Legion Lost #0

This is the first cover to create their own original tear in the comic book cover.

Is it possible Tom DeFalco was waiting for the Zero Issue before revealing each of the team member's secrets? My guess is no. Well, maybe he'll reveal Chameleon Girl's secret that they were all sent back in time by The Echo Police. But that'll be it.

The introduction to the comic book sounds like it won't even reveal that much. It looks like it's going to focus on the origin of Timber Wolf. I guess it could have seven short three story pages detailing each character's origin.

Here's a new favorite character of mine: Don't Go Fish Guy.

Timber Wolf's father created another variant on the super soldier serum. But this one was invented in the 31st Century so it's probably better than any of the others that were invented in the past. Timber Wolf's father's patron wants the serum for himself and his family but the serum isn't quite ready to be used on humans. So the patron, Lord Vykor, decides to provide some incentive for Timber Wolf's dad to work faster. The incentive isn't more money or a time dependent bonus or a nice firm pat on the back. The incentive is killing Timber Wolf's mom. I think the process of mourning is supposed to get the scientist to concentrate better or something.

Timber Wolf's dad is given one more month to have the product ready. When it is ready, he injects it into himself and his son so that they'll be super powered and can destroy Lord Vykor when he arrives for the finished product. The results of this meeting show that even Lord Vykor realized that his "motivation" probably wasn't the best way to get what he wanted.

And nobody lived happily ever after.

Timber Wolf drops from the ceiling and bites Lord Vykor's ear off. Then Timber Wolf jumps out of a window as the lab explodes. But Lord Vykor and his men get away, of course. And now the only way Lord Vykor can get his hands on the super soldier serum is by getting a sample of Timber Wolf's blood.

This origin story is boring the fuck out of me. Wait, what does that mean? Does that mean I'm so bored that I've lost all desire to copulate? I don't think I got quite that bored. But it did get boring enough that I asked Doom Bunny for advice.

Me: "Legion Lost #0 is BORING."
Me: "The commentary is turning into a synopsis! I need something funny to talk about!"
Doom Bunny: "Not dumb, just boring?"
Me: "Yes."
Doom Bunny: "What would happen if they'd never been lost?"
Me: "It's the Origin Story of Timber Wolf."
Doom Bunny: "Ew. Write something about Judas!"
Me: "Judas was one of Christ's disciples. He was a man. He wanted to help the poor but Jesus was all, 'Fuck the poor! Give Caeser whatever Caeser wants because getting into heaven is where it's at, man!' And Judas was all, 'What?! No way! What about our home? What about the hypocritical pharisees? What about driving these fucking Romans out of our land?!' And Jesus was all, 'Pshaw! Getting through the eye of a needle is the goal so chill out, baby!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I was trying to find Jennifer's ridiculous food post from today."
Doom Bunny: "Timeline sucks. Oh, here it is! 'Range free eggs'"
Me: "Ha!"
Doom Bunny: "Dumb ass. It's cage-free eggs and free-range chicken."
Me: "I like my eggs laid by prison chickens!"
Doom Bunny: "Yeah!"

Doom Bunny also mentions how I called Jennifer a narcissist but I censored that out so he wouldn't be implicated in it! I also think Doom Bunny wanted me to write something about my cat, Judas. Whoops! Anyway, that didn't have anything to do with Legion Lost but if Legion Lost were holding my attention better, that interlude never would have happened. So it's Legion Lost's fault for being the first really boring comic book of the Zero Issues so far. I won't go so far as to say Grifter #0 was good but at least it had something to say about the ongoing title. I guess if I were paying closer attention to this comic, I would be gaining some really good insight into Timber Wolf's character! But why should I have to work so hard when Tom DeFalco spells out all of Timber Wolf's trials and travails in page!

Half of Timber Wolf's training took place in a cardboard box. I'm surprised he's not Urban Raccoon.

Timber Wolf dedicated his life to hunting down Lord Vykor! But Lord Vykor was hanging out with "the politically elite and legally challenged." What the fuck? Should writers be held responsible for making art that is understandable? Oh! Oh! Here's a story about Soy Rakelson, my high school friend whose name has been changed to protect Ann Nocenti.

Soy and I were discussing David Lynch's Lost Highway one night. And while my friend Upright and I had discussed the movie after seeing it and pretty much figured out what was going on, Soy wondered if Lynch had more of a responsibility to make the point of his movie clearer. I asked him how clear an auteur needs to make their work. Should he blatantly state what his intent is? Should a work be entirely free of ambiguity so that every member of the audience walk away with the same experience so there's no need to discuss the work? Soy just seemed to think Lynch's vision was too muddled and thus failed. So we went on to talk about other things.

At one point, Soy picked up my John Barth book, "Lost in the Funhouse." He flipped through it and said, "Oh man, this first story about the Swimmers is great." And I said, "Oh, the story about the sperm." And he looked up quizzically and said, "You know, the swimmers." And I said, "Yes, the story about the sperm." And I saw him cock his head to the side and then the light go on in his eyes and his jaw dropped halfway open. And I said, "Do you think John Barth should have been more clear about that? Do you think he failed?"

That's the end of that story. I apologize that it didn't contain more explosions and future technology.

So back to Legion Lost, who are the legally challenged that Lord Vykor is hanging out with? Is that a euphemism for bad types? Or is he hanging out with people being sued by other people? Perhaps they're just people who don't understand the concept of loitering and jaywalking.

Eventually Timber Wolf makes his way to Lord Vykor.

Just like a typical DeFalco plot. Lord Vykor's plan was for Timber Wolf to find him. If you wanted to meet with him, why didn't you just have your thugs pull him off the street?

Since this moment was entirely to be expected, Lord Vykor spent years preparing for it. He probably even had a candy glass window placed in the loft so that Timber Wolf wouldn't hurt himself when he smashed through it. Because Lord Vykor's son Tor wouldn't want any unfair advantages due to severe lacerations from a plate glass window.

Why didn't he use some of the serum in the vial for his scientists to backwards engineer it? That makes much more sense than waiting years for Timber Wolf to appear and then killing him and then hoping that somehow the formula's footprints can still be found inside his corpse.

The fight begins with Timber Wolf holding back and still getting the better of Vykor and his son. But Timber Wolf chooses not to kill anybody because that would cause him to lose his humanity. And he can't do that when they're calling him an animal! That would prove them right! So he jumps around and nothing much happens.

Seriously? You had the fucking serum, you stupid sprok!

By the way, it is stupid that Vykor had any of the serum at all. Timber Wolf's father really would have used the serum on himself and his son and destroyed any that was left. Now that would make sense if Vykor's last chance was the slight possibility that Timber Wolf's blood could give them the formula. But having had the formula in his hands and he didn't have his scientists work with that? He deserves whatever he gets. Probably mindswiped by the Echo Police and sent back to the past to encounter Timber Wolf in a future issue of Legion Lost.

In the end, Timber Wolf calls the Science Police to pick up these yahoos. The Science Police offer to send the Legion of Super-heroes a letter of recommendation if Timber Wolf would like to apply. As this comic ends, he seems to have no interest. Probably because that's a story that's already been told somewhere in the Preboot which still holds true for this Reboot.

Legion Lost #0 Rating: What about the origins for the rest of the team? Why is Timber Wolf so special? Is he the really, really, really poor and unhealthy man's Wolverine?