Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Justice League #0

So Billy Batson is finally going to get blasted by the magic lightning, hunh? He's currently investigating the inside of the Wizard's Lair, a place where all the magic in the world has been locked away for safe keeping. Well, not all of it, I guess, since a whole bunch of it is being wasted over in Justice League Dark. I think it was meant to keep Black Adam in check but he's been freed by Dr. Sivana. So now Billy Batson needs to get that lightning power.

Billy wanders around until he enters the Chamber of the Seven Deadly Sins. Isn't the Rock of Ages or something in here as well?

Dammit, Billy. Why didn't you hit the Lust button?

After this, Billy does run down the line hitting all of the stone buttons. But still no Lust!

Lust would probably end up being a fat guy with a giant erection surfing for porn anyway.

The Wizard scolds Billy for touching his seven sins and tells him to hurry the fuck up and ride the lightning, bitch boy. The Wizard calls Billy a child, Billy calls the Wizard a child molester, and much fun was had by all. Also, the fortress is called the Rock of Eternity. My memory doesn't like to remember things too exactly.

The arguing and the bickering turn into a debate in which the fifteen year old gets the better of the ancient wizard. Hey, it happens! The wizard is looking for a purely good person. Billy's experience has shown him none of those exist. The wizard's belief in his quest blinded him to that possibility. So he looks into Billy to see if he has the potential to be purely good and he has that in spades as the wizard sees all of the times Billy has stuck up for the weak and the helpless and the downtrodden. And anyway, the discussion really doesn't matter. Black Adam is on his way to kill the wizard and the wizard will never survive to find another person to house the magic. So he gives the magic word to Billy and WHAMMO! I mean, SHAZAM!

Billy's gonna get him some sweet poontang now!

I wonder if Shazam's physique is because he's compensating for a small penis? I wonder if Billy needs to poo and then transforms into Shazam, he'd blast lightning out of his ass and destroy the toilet? These two questions aren't on Billy's mind at all. He just begins smashing things and enjoying his power. But the wizard has a few more things to say before he drops dead.

So Billy's secret power is the ability to assign powers to other people? But since he's not Captain Marvel but Shazam, what will Mary Marvel be called? Shazama?

After the wizard's revelation, he dies. There's an explosion of lightning and Billy (as Shazam) returns to Freddy in the normal world. Freddy is frightened at first but just needs to look in Shazam's eyes to know it's really Billy. And the first thing Billy does with his new Shazam powers is destroy the car of the father of the kids who picked on his foster brothers and sisters.

Well, he did gain the powers because he had the potential to be good. Which means he also has the potential to be a major asshole as well.

And this is their second plan!

Good thing the wizard is too dead to see what a colossal mistake it was to give this kid so much power. Although I'm sure something akin to Peter's Uncle Ben getting killed will happen to straighten this kid out really quick.

As Freddy and Shazam are considering what to do next, they hear a mugging nearby. And Billy can't help but get involved because of all of those potentials the wizard saw in him. He's a sucker for protecting the bullied. He punches the mugger who flies across the street and into a car. He's lucky he didn't kill him. But Billy is quite aware of that and it's probably a good lesson for him learning his strength.

And he makes an easy buck out of it.

Geoff Johns has written some of the best scenes across his various titles that have made me laugh out loud. That first panel with Shazam quickly proclaiming he's an adult is one of them. And then these closing two panels also made me laugh.

And big credit to Gary Frank for Shazam's face in that first panel and his pose in the second.

The back-up story begins with Pandora about to once again open her box. Pull up your pants, sicko. This comic is merely rated "Teen" not "Teen Plus!" Anyway, her box is shaped like a skull and she's fiddling with it in some back alley. Ahem. Pants.

Pandora believes she can correct the evils she unleashed upon the world in the past. But her box is sealed tight. She's visited by the wizard who apparently didn't die. He apologizes to Pandora for punishing her simply because she was curious and couldn't resist diddling with her box.

Seriously? What grade am I in?!

The wizard informs her that "only the strongest of heart or the darkest" can open the box and claim its power of transformation. But before he can tell her what that power is, he disappears in another crack of lightning. That guys got to be the most annoying guest at any party.

Wouldn't it have been embarrassing if the steam had been in the form of an exclamation point?

Justice League #0 Rating: Shazammy! I really wouldn't mind if this title just suddenly became Shazam with Justice League back-up features! There's precedence for that, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment