Resurrection Man #0

The barista at the the coffee shop I spend a moderate amount of time in (Paleo in Ladd's Addition in Portland in Oregon in the United States of America in North America on Earth in the Sol System in the Milky Way Galaxy in Grunion Guy's Magnificent Candy Sprinkle Universe of Sublime Horror, Passion, and Resignation) has a tattoo on his forearm that says "Practice Resurrection."

I decided to Google the phrase to maybe get a glimpse at why he has that as a tattoo. I'll ask him next time I see him simply because Googling the phrase doesn't actually help me understand why he has it on his arm. Googling the phrase now is simply for my own edification to learn at least something about where the phrase could possibly come from. The most common hit seems to be the last line of a poem by Wendell Berry called "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front." Interestingly enough, one of the other places I ended up that was discussing the poem's use of the phrase "practice resurrection" place it (obviously) in a religious context. But the phrase used here in the poem seems to be suggesting a resurrection of your mind and the way you think. It's calling for a person to keep changing and growing; to kill your old self when you find yourself in a rut, predictable, afraid to grow. I especially like this stanza:

Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts.

These three lines could be the sum total of dogma that go along with my Atheism. I hate the way people see Atheists. Atheist means exactly what it means: no belief in God. It doesn't have any dogma or ways to live or any other beliefs attached to it. Perhaps that's why people fear it so. When someone says they're Christian, that, supposedly, lets the other person know a high percentage about them and their beliefs and what choices they might make in given situations. When a person says they don't believe in a God, that's all that statement means. But these three lines from the poem "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front", I could append to my Atheistic beliefs.

By the way, the rest of the poem is pretty damn good too.

And now that I've read something really interesting, it's time to read something that is something else entirely! Read into that what you will. I left it general for a reason. Mostly because I don't know what Resurrection Man #0 will be like but I'm not expecting much.

Back at the Soder Company secret arch-villain government experimentation soda counter lab, Mitch Shelley has just met Mitch Shelley. The two Mitches share some Tektite particles or something which allows their memories co-mingle.

So five years ago Deathstork Deathstroke had yet to lose his eye? I flipped through Issue #5 to see if they drew Deathstroke with two eyes there as well and the results were ambiguous. One panel certainly had him with two eyes. And one panel looked as if he had the blank blue side of his face as usual. The rest of the panels were all drawn from his orange side!

Shelley lost his arm during that attack, so maybe his arm grew back into another Mitch Shelley as well? That would mean the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) creature that injected him would also have had to injected his lost arm as well. Why would it do that? Deathstroke defeats the creature (or drives it off) while Mitch is unconscious, so he doesn't have any memory of that fight.

But it must have been some fight to leave Deathstroke in a sling! Did his healing factor take a crap on him or something? Deathstroke in a sling! Bwa ha ha! So dumb.

Look at Mitch Shelley panic! "Use the experimental serum on us all! Especially me even though I'm still alive and who knows what it could do to me. But who cares! I lost the arm I use to masturbate! Life isn't worth living unless this shit works!" At least the doctor has the sense to question this decision on the next page. But apparently military doctors in government black ops teams don't take the same ethical vows as normal doctors otherwise how could they follow all of the stupid orders given to them by higher ranking military men that don't know shit about medicine?

Mitch actually has his arm reattached once they get back to the lab. But the arm did not get injected with either the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) guy's serum or Mitch's stuff. So it feels weak and unmotivated and now it always has a headache and "isn't in the mood." Hoffman and Leno, the Body Doubles, reacted best to the serum. They became "infinitely" better. Holy fuck, that's a lot better! That's off the charts better! That's...that's...that's...incomprehensibly better! It made them heal so quickly as to seem invulnerable. It made them super fast and super strong. And it also made them super hot.

Mitch's body rejected the attached arm because his body was trying to grow a new one. The team cut off the old, weak, lazy, socialist arm and threw it in the incinerator. Mitch's new arm which had seemingly pulled itself up by its bootstraps was left to take its place. Although it really didn't pull itself up by its bootstraps, did it? It was given an unfair advantage by being injected with Mitch's super serum. Meanwhile, the burnt arm floated up the cremation chimney and reassembled in the upper atmosphere. It sucked up all the life in the area to reform a new Mitch Shelley. Mitch Shelley's right hand man: Mitch Shelley, Resurrection Man!

So the secret origin of Mitch Shelley is that he's the masturbation hand of the original Mitch Shelley! That's the best secret origin ever! Resurrection Man wins!

This also actually explains how Mitch ended up in an ambulance in Gotham City. He was disintegrated by the Angel. So then his ashes were picked up by the Chinook Winds, drifted over the Rocky Mountains, was breathed in by the people of Denver and then farted out later, drifted across the plains states, spun about in a few tornadoes, and reformed over the East Coast in Gotham City. His naked and farty body was then picked up by the roving Arkham Asylum Ambulances that pick up any crazy people on the streets for Jeremiah Arkham to experiment on, and voila! Resurrection Man in Gotham!

Meanwhile back in the present...

For some reason, the original Mitch Shelley reacted poorly to the serum. Perhaps because of Preying Mantis's (with an "e"!) injection that didn't affect the loose arm.

Speaking of that Preying Manits Mantis (with an "e"!) guy: who was that guy?!

No, I think it's because you were reconfigured using bunny rabbit organic material.

Now that there are two Mitch Shelleys, does that mean the devil and the angel can split the profits? Or will they still accept the deal that only one of them will get Mitch's soul and they'll accept the evil, military Mitch's soul and let Resurrection Man Mitch go free? Or is that why the original Mitch is dying? Because his soul was in his right arm and now he's soulless? Because everyone knows that person's soul resides in the limb they use to masturbate.

Hmm. I'd better protect my left arm with my life!

Eventually, Heaven and Hell crash the party. Hell comes in and starts screaming, "Let's trash the place!" And Heaven walks up and is all, "Who wants to fuck?!"

That angel is a grabby bitch.

So Heaven is satisfied. But what about Hell now? If Mitch ever dies (he can't though!), will he end up in Hell? Even if he does, that demon seems like a way better companion than Suriel.

The demon likes Mitch alive and tells Mitch he has plans for him and then ends with a really lame joke. And since the only lame jokes I do in my commentary are the ones I invent out of my own head, I won't be repeating it here. Plus I wouldn't want to spoil the comic book for anyone. And the Body Doubles, since their employers are all dead, decide to go freelance. They'll probably end up in the pages of Grifter.

Resurrection Man #0 Rating: The Gotham Resurrection Explicatical! I think because that is explained, I should tack on five rankings to the Retired Ranking for the comic. Also because I don't really give a fuck about the rankings of a comic, so it's not like the extra five rankings are actually worth anything. My Ranking System has the worst economy ever!