Monday, September 17, 2012

Superboy #0

Before I begin reading Superboy, I'd like to talk about something that will be a little more interesting than the story in Issue #0. Yes, I'm jumping to conclusions!

An assmunch over at the scans_daily website. He goes by the name of medster_comics. And while I'm used to people using the scans I make and really have no problem when they end up on other sites, I tend to investigate the sites when they generate thousands of hits. Sometimes I'll just change the name of the file so my site isn't getting blasted with a bunch of hits that have nothing to do with me. But occasionally I'll find a piece of shit that has basically taken my commentary, put pieces of the review into their own words, and use multiple pictures from my site. This medster_comics guy did just that with my Grifter #0 commentary but he didn't even bother to change my comments he stole into his own words.

In cases like this piece of crap (and the guy who stole a bunch of my thoughts and pics on the first issue of Deathstroke which Liefeld took over (and the person who stole my Wonder Woman pics for some grand feminist essay they were working on)), I tend to change the pictures for my own amusement. This time I was just aggravated by this jerk, so I just went elementary school playground on him. Oh, and provided the URL to my site just in case anyone wanted to read an actually funny and interesting commentary on Grifter #0. Here's the site just for transparency's sake.

After reading the first page of Superboy #0, I realize that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are interchangeable. They both love the Narration Boxes. They both love opening a comic book with a full page splash with a static figure that's supposed to be representing great action, and then tell the reader a bunch of facts across multiple narration boxes. Also, neither one of them knows the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Although it was Lobdell that first fucked that up. DeFalco may have just been as confused as everybody else.

Will Superboy get a new symbol? And a new name too? Why does everyone from Krypton need to be a Super person?

Kon led an army of clones against the Kryptonians. Because who would want to be created and given thoughts and hopes and dreams and then be told you have to wash the fucking dishes and walk the super dog and that's going to be your life until your cellular matrix decays and you collapse in a puddle of slime? I'm all for Kon's revolution. You go, Kon! You and your Extend-O Handled Axe!

I guess if the technology to create clones has been perfected to this degree, creating an axe with an extendable metal handle probably isn't much of a mystery.

The clones rebelled and took over the Kryptonian Weather Stations which completely controlled and manufactured the weather of Krypton. Kon destroyed the mechanism and doomed the planet.

This little clone story is being narrated by the great Harvest himself (you know, Vampire Tim Drake from the future?) from his base in the Arctic Antarctic Arctic Arctic Antarctic!

Having an antagonist like Harvest that knows absolutely everything and can plan everything down to the finest detail say something "may or may not be true" makes me believe Tom DeFalco is covering his ass in case everything he just said is retconned for the Trade Paperback.

Omen and Harvest are watching the events of Superboy Issue One unfold before them. At this point, the only interesting thing that needs to be revealed in this issue is whose DNA was use to create Superboy. Oh! And also reveal what happened to Experiment 01, the first Superboy trial run. If neither of those things are answered in this Origin Story, I will quit reading Superboy once and for all and begin referring to DC's experiment as The New 51.

After this slight foray into Issue One, Harvest goes back to retell the clone story. The clones were developed for space travel. Then they were used in experiments with new drugs and surgical techniques. Then they were put to use in dangerous work environments. Then they were given jobs cleaning houses. Elite Kryptonians grew lazy and unethical. Lower class Kryptonians began struggling to find jobs that weren't being taken by the clones. The clones were treated as second class citizens even though they had the same capability for emotion and reason. And so they began fighting back. And I think that's where the comic book started. Do I need to start the comic over? Or is that just a trap?

After the review, Harvest and Omen continue to watch the events in Issue #1.

I looked up ARGGGH in the Who's Who but didn't find a listing.

While Harvest watches, he mentions how Caitlin is destined to play a crucial role in his plans. I hate Harvest and his all-knowing plans. If he knows what's going to happen because he is Vampire Tim Drake from the future, then those aren't plans at all. It's simply prescient knowledge.

Switching back to the story of Krypton, Kon and his followers were all killed (although Kon's body was never found. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!) and the planet was forever doomed by the clone's actions.

And then story time stops and, apparently, a few weeks pass by.

"Hey, remember just last panel when I mentioned that Doomsday Cult?!"

Harvest explains to Omen as she continues to weep blood that he has been implanting subliminal routines into Superboy's subconscious as Fairchild puts Superboy through far more normal virtual reality routines. Harvest wants a Kryptonian Clone just as wild, destructive, and unpredictable as Kon.

Who the fuck is the undead guy with the partial "S" scratched onto his chest? Did I miss something?

Superboy #0 Rating: Superboy? What's Superboy? Was that a planned title for DC's New 51 that never actually appeared?

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