Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Flash #0

The Flash is working in his lab when the place is struck by lightning. He's doused in chemicals and electricity and suddenly becomes bound to the Speed Force. The end!

So that's Barry Allen's Preboot origin. Everybody knows it. Many people know it much better than I just told it! They know details and things. But I'm not into details. I just like to remember one or two main facts about something so that it sounds like I really know a lot about it. So if I'm at a really cool party full of really hot girls and athletic guys and I find myself in a conversation about Superman, I can nod knowingly and say, "Yeah. He's from Krypton." And they'd all nod in agreement because he is! But then really unattractive nerd in the corner might scoff and say, "EVERYBODY knows that!" So then I'll casually turn to him and say, "Yes but did you know that he's invulnerable to everything except Kryptonite." And his jaw will drop at my expansive knowledge of the character and I'll high five the athletes and make out a little bit with the women (and maybe one or two of the athletes if I'd had enough shots of beer). And he'll stand up and begin to walk away. But then at the last moment, like Columbo, he'll turn to me and say, "Aha! But he's also...." and I'll interrupt him and say, "Yes, magic. We all know he's susceptible to magic as well. Move on, sir!" And he'll hang his head in shame as he's bested by my superior comic book knowledge! Simply because I can utilize the few facts I actually retain about Suprememan!

So here's what I know about The Flash past his exciting origin story: He can run really, really fast! Yep. That's where he gets his name! But here's some stuff I'm learning about the Rebooted Flash!

The Flash's father is in jail for killing his mother and his father admitted to Barry that he was guilty five years ago.

Five years ago, The Flash was blasted by lightning and chemicals and ended up in the hospital as opposed to the morgue where he probably would have ended up if this comic had an ounce of realism!

Don't you just hate comics that tell a believable story? Yeah, totally. This guy should at least have some scars or something from the lightning and the chemicals and the emergency surgery to repair the internal injuries I'm sure he suffered. Oh well! Maybe I should suspend my suspension of belief.

The accident puts Barry into a coma where he sees his past flash before his eyes. No, no. It doesn't flash. It goes as slow as it takes the reader to read it. So in my case, it's really, really slow. It's just that there are so many words! And so many puns to catch!

See? "Don't rush through them." And a poster of a runner. Has the Zero Issue returned to the root of writing The Flash? Just throw as many puns into the dialogue as possible?

I hope little Barry Allen has to compete against little Leonard Snart at the Spelling Bee.

Proctor: "Leonard, your word is icicle."
Proctor: "Barry, your word is marathon."
Proctor: "Leonard, your word is hypothermia."
Proctor: "Barry, your word is sprinting."
Proctor: "Leonard, your word is asshole."
Little Leonard: "Wait...what?!"
Proctor: "Barry, your word is uxoricide."
Little Barry: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Proctor: "Your father is going to commit uxoricide against your mother."

"Sorry, Barry. I can't make it. I've got to get the house ready for the crime scene investigators."

Barry's parents are arguing about a divorce and Barry keeps getting pushed aside to do things on his own. He's completely unaware that his parents are unhappy. Well, maybe he's a little bit aware. But he's deeply in denial.

Don't take your time, Barry! Tragedy will happen if you lollygag! Run! RUN!

After this flashback scene, Barry thinks while in his coma, "My life is flashing before my eyes." Ha ha! I beat you to that stupid pun that everybody could see coming. He finishes having his flashback and recalls coming back home to find his mom murdered. His dad claims he didn't do it and even though the spelling bee proctor foreshadowed it, Barry needs to believe in his dad's innocence. And at that moment, Barry Allen wakes up from his coma. In East Africa.

Three weeks later and Barry is all healed up and continuing with the puns.

And a woman running. Does that count?

Ha ha ha! Running around!

Later, Barry creates his costume somehow. It doesn't really make much sense. He says something about metal reacting strangely and thermal expansion created by the speed. So are we supposed to believe that his costume is really made up of tiny chunks of metal that expand when he uses the Speed Force and stick to him in the correct places? And he stores these tiny pieces of metal in a ring? A plastic ring maybe so it doesn't expand as well? I think my unbelief of dissuspension is breaking down again!

Barry visits his dad once again to let him know that he will continue to try to prove his dad's innocence even though his dad admitted his guilt. But Barry suspects his dad is lying simply so Barry can get on with his life. Also, Barry busts a guy named Danny West a few days prior to telling his dad he hasn't given up on him. Wally's criminal cousin? Iris's deadbeat bastard son? I don't know! Those aren't either of the two facts I've retained about The Flash over the last twenty-five years reading comic books! Oh! But that's what the Who's Who is for!

Nope. No mention of a Danny West at least before 1992. I bet it's just a coincidence! Those happen all the times in comic books, right?

The Flash #0 Rating: Puntacular.

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