Monday, September 24, 2012

Legion of Super-heroes #0

This issue should just be 20 six page panels all with an individual member's origin crammed into a single panel. No, wait. That's bad math. They'd probably have to cram two or three origins in each panel if they did it that way. Fucking Legion and its infinite roster.

Fuck me. I still laugh every time I read Phantom Girl's alias, Tinya Wazoo.

The original three Legion members (at least in my head. It might be different. But they made Heroclix out of these three, so I've totally got to be right) have headed to Colon to fight off a swarm of ass locusts. This is Brainiac's homeworld. I'm sure he's really, really tired of the Colu/Colon jokes.

Oh, you know what? I'm completely wrong about the original three members and a misogynist to boot. Even though I pointed Phantom Girl out specifically, I was still thinking of her as Saturn Girl. "Oh look! Lightning Lad, Cosmic Boy, and a female! It must be the original members!" But I don't think it's my fault I sounded sexist. I think this time it's Legion's fault for having so many Girls on the team.

Wait! I mean so many team members named "Girl"! Not too many females on the team. Although seriously, they do have way too many females on the team. Also way to many males. This team is just too fucking big! No wonder I'm so Goddamned confused!

Who needs females on the team when this kind of thing is going on anyway? Sproing, indeed.

No really. What the fuck is going on with these two?

This is a surprise origin! I never knew these guys were so close.

The big fight against the Coluan Locust problem is just the backdrop to a romantic weekend on Colu. Even Phantom Girl and Ultra Boy are paying more attention to the caressing and the dick sucking than the saving and the helping.

I think that's the entire point of this comic and why it has so many characters. It's simply a stage for relationship drama stories. So why can't I like it?!

I forgot about the title of this comic until just now. I was going to complain about what kind of Original Sin Brainiac could have since Original Sin is sin you are born with. I thought the title was going to use the phrase incorrectly but it turns out the Robot Locusts and other problems are a result of an ancient cache of the original Brainiac's weapons being discovered. So he's paying for the sins of that robotic jerk that had the coolest action figure in the eighties. Although it was kind of strange that the figure had "kicking action." Here comes the smartest robot in the universe about to kick Superman's ass! Umm, literally.

Or maybe the cache wasn't just discovered. It may have been a vault or a sealed museum of all of Brainiac's dangerous weapons. But it suddenly opened up. A technology thief beamed down and entered to steal some items but was transformed by Mini-Brainiac Guardians into some strange villain. They call it "Tharok-Human" which sounds familiar. Was this the thing from an earlier issue that they were trying to prevent from escaping its multi-dimensional cell. Or something? I could look it up but why bother? Legion has so many characters and so much history, I'll probably spend a few hours digging up the information. Or I could use the internet!

Oh yeah! He was the leader of the Fatal Five which was mentioned and I don't know anything about! And in another issue of Legion, a few members were trying to prevent someone from getting some technology to create a new Fatal Five. That's about all I've learned in my single web search and all I can remember from the only twelve issues of Legion of Super-heroes that I've read.

So Tharok escapes to cause trouble later. But the Vault remains open and deadly robotic creatures continue to spill out. Brainiac 5 decides the Vault should be thrown into space using Cosmic Boy's magnetic powers and Ultra Boy's strength where the Vault can then be destroyed by starships. The plan works and Brainiac 5 joins with Legion to head to Earth and consider becoming a member.

On the ride to Earth, Brianiac 5 begins preparing to bury his memory of opening the vault himself and stealing the research within before he gets within range of Saturn Girl's mental eavesdropping power.

Legion of Super-heroes #0 Rating: Less members than usual.

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