Friday, September 28, 2012

All Star Western #0

Before I begin reading All Star Western featuring Jonah Hex, I'd like to point out something Ann Nocenti pissed all over that was revealed in All Star Western #12. Last issue it was revealed that the Lord of Thieves from the Crime Bible Cult was named Lorna Kyle. Since she's a thief and named Kyle, one would assume she's an ancestor of Catwoman's. Oh but wait! Catwoman's real name isn't Selina Kyle anymore! She's actually Russian and nobody knows her name because it was entered into the English database in Cyrillic and Selina couldn't read it due to the backwards "R"s and the Phi symbols and the backwards threes and other nonsense. Yeah, I just disrespected another country's alphabet? What are you going to do about it? I'm a fucking American, dude! My shit don't stink and how the hell am I supposed to find the store I'm looking for driving down Foster Road in southeast Portland when all the signs are in Cyrillic?

Oh man, I hope the Russian Mafia is just a myth! I didn't mean anything I just said! It was all Ann Nocenti's fault! I actually love Russians and their beautiful language. Except if I may bring up one thing that I disagree with slightly: it's the tombstones.

Oh shit. This claims to be the tombstone of a Russian mobster! I'm sorry, Russian Mafia!

Do they have access to printers where you can slide in a slab of granite and have photographs and mediocre art turned into etchings? Because walking around certain cemeteries here in Portland, if a tombstone is in Cyrillic, it's usually black marble with this kind of photo-realistic etching on it. I'm not a fan. Unless, of course, the Russian Mafia thinks I should be a fan!

Anyway, I'm sure Ann Nocenti's stupid story will be easily fixed by saying her fake name was given to her in honor of the legendary Lorna Kyle, the masterestest thief to ever fight people in her underwear in Gotham city.

As Issue Zero begins, the reader is introduced to Jonah Hex's father.

A chip off the old block! For the denser readers, that statement means two things here! And for smart ass readers, I know it sounds like I'm saying the dad is a chip off the Jonah block. But it's the best I could do for the ambiguous meaning! Give a guy a break and holster that "Actually" once in a while!

Woodson's wife is giving birth inside their house when a bunch of asshole Mormon hunters come riding in. They're not Mormon and hunters! They're hunting down Mormons. When Hex won't let them in to investigate his property because his wife is giving birth, they threaten him. And that's when people start getting their dicks chopped off. Woodson manages to kill all but one of them. The last one is wounded and pleading for his life when Jonah is born.

"Take it like a man, son."

And those were the circumstances of Jonah Hex's birth!

Chapter Two: Misery in Missouri

Ain't that the truth? This chapter must be about summer in Missouri. I was born in California where people don't rightly know the meaning of "It's not the heat; it's the humidity." When I spent my first summer in the Midwest, I couldn't reckon why California ain't just packed ass to elbow with people realizing how fucked up living in that sweltering summer air is. How do y'all do it? Sweating for no reason weren't no fun 't'all. Had to git my ass back ta the west coast faster than a croup dog chasing a rabid raccoon up'n'down a tar slicked mud caked doohickey whatnot. Fer real.

Actually, the misery in Missouri is all caused by Woodson Hex who has turned to drinking. It's caused him to beat his wife and kid on a regular basis. Until Jonah decides to stand up to the old man to protect his mother. He doesn't do too good a job and his mother ends up having to pull a gun on Jonah's pa to protect her son. Woodson Hex realizes he ain't wanted and skedaddles for a night or two.

Chapter Three: Abandonment

"Ya see, Jonah, Mr. Dazzleby, he don't take kindly to no children born of drunk wife-beaters. So yer gonna have ta take care a' yerself from now on. Sorry, Ma's gotta choose the non-impotent rich man. Take care!"

Chapter Four: My Father Is A Fucking Asshole

After Jonah's Ma leaves, he and his father head to California to get away from the fucking humidity. On the way, they have to pass through Apache land. Pa don't want no trouble with the injuns, so he gives 'em his son in exchange for safe passage through their land.

Jonah's life isn't any better with the Apache. He gets teased and they shove raw deer hearts down his throat. But a woman named White Fawn sticks up for him. It's a nice move on her part for the moment but it just causes the other men to resent Jonah. They bide their time until the next chapter where it appears they're going to give him what for.

Chapter Five: Jonah Gets What For

The Apache boys are facing their final test to become men when the biding plan takes effect.

"And they dressed him up in injun clothes!"

Chapter Six: Jonah Fights for States' Rights

This is just another chapter where things don't work out too well for Jonah.

When does he end up in a post-apocalyptic future devoid of all humanity and light? I mean the light of human kindness and not the other kind of light because there's actually way too much of that when he ends up there. Probably too many cannibals too.

Chapter Seven: Jonah Takes a Cruise

Set a course for adventure!

Chapter Eight: Jonah Returns to the Apache to Kill the Sonuvabitch That Betrayed Him

And that happens. Believe me! It happens a lot! But the battle is tainted because the Apache cheats. But he does it in an undetectable way. The only thing left for Hex to do is cheat himself. He pulls a blade when it's supposed to be just tomahawks and stabs the jerk in the throat. The rest of the Apache cannot allow Hex to shit all over their traditions, so he must be punished.

Chapter Nine: In Which Jonah Finally Gets His Fucking Scar

There it is! The real Origin of Jonah Hex!

Chapter Ten: The Closing Credits

Present Day Gotham. Well, Present Day according to this comic book's timeline. Jonah has been telling Amadeus and Tallulah and the guy that works for Dr. Jekyll his life story. Everyone is suitably horrified and Jonah is completely wasted. Which is probably why his tongue suddenly got so loose about his past. Dr. Jekyll's man explains why he needs the help from The Scooby Hex Gang. Apparently Dr. Jekyll has created a formula to suppress aggression in criminals. The serum has been stolen and is coming to Gotham and Jekyll's man has reason to believe it's going to have the opposite effect on the populace.

When did this comic book become The Extraordinary Gentlemen?

Chapter Eleven: A Couple of Sub-plots Begin to Develop

Haly's Circus is setting up in Gotham and a man approaches with the stolen Jekyll formula. So Haly's Circus is going to begin creating and selling it as a panacea.

That word reminds me that I hate newscasters! That's because one once said that something was "a panacea for everything." Ha ha! Fuck you, dumby.

The other developing sub-plot is a woman just arriving by ship come to reclaim her mother. I don't know if I should remember who this is. Perhaps Arkham has a sister.

All Star Western #0 Rating: Jonah Hex's life has just been shit piled on more shit.

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