Team Seven #0

My first consideration was should I title this commentary "Team Seven" or "Team 7"? I went with Team Seven because that's what it says on the cover image to help readers interpret the really crappy looking T7 logo. Who thought up that piece of shit? Maybe I should back it up and simply ask who thought up the name Team Seven? Was this a Jim Lee thing? Because the name does not scream excitement or action. It screams, "This team has seven people on it!"

My next assignment before opening this comic book is to look up Justin Jordan. I can't say things look promising or not promising since his past work takes up just as many sentences as the work he's already done in the future. Here's 1/3 of his bio from ComicVine dot com: "In December of 2012, Jordan would go on to take writing duties for The New 52 title Deathstroke with issue #15, and launch the Luther Strode sequel, The Legend of Luthor Strode." Did I fall into a coma recently? Is it now 2013?! I think the DC Editors must be responsible for editing ComicVine.

Also, Justin Jordan has one monster of a neckbeard. Take that for what you will.

I'm not really very interested in this title. Most of the reasons are right there on the cover: gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. I'm not sure what Deathstroke is going to do with his sword after the other six members have their say. And I'm not anti-gun at all! I just find that comic books where the protagonist wields a gun tend toward a type of action that I'm less interested in than say a protagonist that pulls rabbits out of his hat.

Here's a short story about how I used to have an irrational fear of guns (okay, a fear of guns isn't entirely irrational. But many people spend so much time on their fear of guns that they never feel safe at all if they know they exist). In high school, I wrote a paper about gun control because guns worried me. In college I reused the same paper with updated information. But I did sometimes worry down in my basement apartment with no real good lock on the door that if someone came down with a gun, I was in big trouble. Why did I worry about this? Who the fuck knows? Often it was just the kind of scared feeling that comes about on the verge of sleep.

So one night I have a dream. I'm in a convenience store when a guy pulls a gun and attempts to rob the place. The robbery goes bad and he begins shooting. My dream logic decided this was like a movie and the gun only had six bullets. So I knew if I could keep from being hit for just six shots, I'd be okay. I was counting the blasts when the fifth one caught me right in the neck. It was over. I was done. The blood gushed from neck in ragged pumps as my heart beat began to fade. I knew there was nothing I could do as I slowly faded away. And then I gently woke up. And I knew what I was afraid of. It wasn't guns at all. It was simply death. But the dream didn't just cure me of my fear of guns. I was also to work through the underlying fear of death in the realization that it was totally out of my control. Worrying about it was a waste of time. Most likely when death came for me, I wouldn't even notice. Here. Then gone. Just like that.

Not that I'm comfortable with a limited life span now. But that dream definitely changed me for the better. And now, on to Team Seven! The most excitingest newestest comic (at least it was last week. I guess Amethyst Princess of Gemworld has that title now) DC has published since The Phantom Stranger!

The first positive about the comic and Mister Jordan: it didn't begin with a splash page full of narration boxes! It's actually letting somebody speaking do the work! Yay!

I just got done saying how I'm a better person for discarding my fear and now this guy is telling me I have a right to be afraid! Jerk!

In a comic book fantasy world, I can probably get on board with what this guy is saying. But it's when this attitude is used in the real world that I find it disturbing. Making people afraid gets people to do awful and irrational things. Nobody should ever make a decision because they're afraid of something. Fear is generally just ignorance and can almost always be overcome with increased knowledge of the object of one's fears. But Americans seem to think owning a gun conquers fear. Which is probably why this guy speaking and the gun-laden cover go together like cookies and more cookies.

Mmm. I want more cookies.

Captain Sideburns continues with the fear instilling.

I think I covered my response to this earlier. Fear is never the appropriate reaction. Maybe an immediate reaction like when a skeleton jumps out at you. But you should not take that and remain in a state of wondering when the next fucking skeleton is going to jump out at you.

See? I'm debating with the comic book because that's what I do in my commentaries. But so far, two pages in, I like the comic. It's got my attention. It's telling its story using the medium of comics effectively. And in a world such as this, fear would most definitely sweep the country and the government would instantly create something like Team Seven to retain their power over this new and unknown potential threat.

Captain Sideburns is giving his report to six unknown beings on the other end of Black Monolith Webcams. I assume these are world leaders. Or other dimension reptilian overlords. Or Rothschilds. Whoever it is, they're people trying to maintain their control of the world. And they are funding Captain Sideburns to put together a team that will do whatever needs to be done so that these people don't lose their power. Captain Sideburns is now at the point where he describes all of the members for the readers.

The first two members are Dinah Drake and Kurt Lance. Dinah specializes in infiltration. Kurt specializes in tracking and operations. They both specialize in love! Although I don't know if they're an item yet. They argue like they are. Or they're arguing like they hate each other but will soon be in love. It's really hard to tell those two apart.

Dinah and Kurt are currently on a mission for Captain Sideburns to track down Slade Wilson, the tactical genius, and Alex Fairchild, the weapons expert. So far they all have assignments except for Slade who gets a compliment.

Captain Sideburns: "Okay Dinah! You're going to be in charge of infiltration. And Alex, you're going to build our weapons. Kurt, you'll be tracking our prey. And Slade, fuck. Slade. You, my man, are the smartest tactical mother fucker I've ever met."

Apparently something happened in Uruguay that left Slade and Alex in debt to Captain Sideburns. So Slade and Alex jump ship from the illicit Gen Factor dealer they're currently working for and join up with Team Seven on the spot.

Well, not exactly on the spot. Slight negotiations were needed.

The next member of the team is some guy named Bronson. He's some super stud that is the best at whatever he wants to be the best at. He's that guy. Every team needs the guy that can do everything better than everybody else. I'm surprised the team isn't made up of seven of him! Except then every missions would break down into muscle flexing and dick measuring contests. So maybe just the one awesome guy is okay.

Also, his DNA makes a killer low calorie smoothie.

 

Some crazy woman pilot named Captain Ramos is next on the list. She's asked to join because of her skills at piloting and her skill at being crazy. She joins up and my calculator freaks out. It must be broken! Let's see: 1 (Kurt) +1 (Dinah) +1 (Slade) +1 (Alex) +1 (Bronson) +1 (Ramos) +1 (Cole) +1 (Amanda) = 8. That can't be right! Stupid broken calculator. Can't you see this is Team Seven? Not Team Eight!

Cole Cash is picked up beating up French people in the first instance of a character in France without the Eiffel Tower anywhere to be seen!

Oh wait. Nevermind.

Cole Cash is wanted because he wears a stupid kerchief on his face. Also, he's a good shot with a gun. Plus he's a total conman that can squeeze information out of a non-squeeze bottle of information. He's got this technique where he taps the open rim on the edge of a table and sometimes sticks a butter knife up in it to get the information flowing. He's totally amazing at it and Team Seven just wouldn't work without him.

Last on the list is Amanda Waller. Because she "can put the pieces together." That's a very important talent to have if you don't want someone flying planes into your skyscrapers. What good is having the information if nobody knows what to do with it? She's also one tough cookie.

Fuck. Now I'm thinking about cookies again.

And since my calculator has already fucked up the equation, why not add Dean Higgins to the list? He's a master strategist which is somehow different than a genius tactician. But I'll let the "actually people" who don't understand my use of humor explain how it's different in the comments below.
And that's the team! Oh, here they are in their class picture:

Counting Captain "Lynch" Sideburns, that makes ten members! Maybe I did the math wrong. Or perhaps they're just counting penises?

Team Seven #0 Rating: Nowhere near the load of shit I was expecting.