G.I. Combat #0

The Zero Issue begins with the Unknown Soldier story so I quickly flipped through it to see if there were any dinosaurs and there were! I'm so excited to learn the Origin Story of the War That Fucking Sucks! Hmm, I guess all war fucking sucks. But this one sucks because it isn't actually a war at all. It's just a couple of military guys being hassled by dinosaurs. I suppose the dinosaur story is second because dinosaurs busting out of the cover of G.I. Combat #0 wouldn't make as much sense as a Mummy busting out of the cover.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Yeah. There have been unknown soldiers in every war every fought. Ever. But super mummy soldiers? Ridiculous!"

To enlighten the Unknown Soldier, whats-her-name drugs him and puts him into a medically induced hallucination. He experiences the memories of every Unknown Soldier before him. He also retains the memories of the body he's inhabiting but it looks like the Unknown Soldier is somehow the embodiment of war. It takes over a man on the verge of death who has died in battle and uses his body until the war is over. How this is going to work in modern times when wars don't exactly have a clear beginning and end is fuzzy.

While on his mystical spirit journey, the Unknown Soldier meets a Raven outside a Mystery House.

So the Unknown Soldier is Cain? The disfigurement is Cain's mark? Cursed to wander east of Eden for all time? Cursed to fight in battle after battle because he was the first murderer and thus the creator of war? If my supposition is true, The Unknown Soldier just got interesting.

The Unknown Soldier and Kamal (that's whats-her-name!) discuss the implications of his memories. They both rule out reincarnation because that's just ridiculous! Who would believe in that? But what Kamal does reveal is that the man the Unknown Soldier was before was not a very good fighter. He was also pronounced dead on the battlefield. And then he came back as this super soldier that Kamal and her team made even superer. So he's definitely simply a vessel for whatever The Unknown Soldier is. The vessel retains the memories of the man he was but is also something more dangerous. I very much expect to find that this spirit is that of Cain.

The Unknown Soldier's Origin remains a mystery although they've filled it out a bit more. The story then takes a few pages to explain that about 2000 American soldiers were converted to radical Islam in Afghanistan and are now operating in the United States. One places a virus in a nuclear plant which simply warns the operators that they can blow it up any time they want. And another works loading luggage onto planes and he blows one up at the end. I guess the Unknown Soldier is going to turn into the 2000 Radical Islamist Ghosts of Scooby Doo.

And now, THE WAR THAT I WISH TIME HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT!

This story begins when Ash Stevens (unless his name is something else) fell from the cliff because Elliott didn't have his back and let him down and failed. Luckily, the terrain beneath the cliff has changed from forest to water since he first began falling (although, to be fair, the terrain beneath was actually kind of blurry and if I had to tell the truth, I can't be positive it was supposed to be forest). He lands in the water and survives. Probably because the big fat-ass dinosaur broke the surface tension when it hit first.

I can barely win a fight against my housecat. Which means this is very, very unrealistic or I'm a total pantywaist.

After that he has some adventures, grows a beard, fights a mountain lion, and gives up ever finding home. The End!

Seriously. The end. I guess until G.I. Combat decides to revisit Ash Stevens. Maybe he'll end up becoming the New 52 version of Anthro

G.I. Combat #0 Rating: Fundamentalist! Because it mixes The Bible (Cain as Unknown Soldier) with Dinosaurs!