The Zero Issue begins with the Unknown Soldier story so I quickly flipped through it to see if there were any dinosaurs and there were! I'm so excited to learn the Origin Story of the War That Fucking Sucks! Hmm, I guess all war fucking sucks. But this one sucks because it isn't actually a war at all. It's just a couple of military guys being hassled by dinosaurs. I suppose the dinosaur story is second because dinosaurs busting out of the cover of G.I. Combat #0 wouldn't make as much sense as a Mummy busting out of the cover.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Yeah. There have been unknown soldiers in every war every fought. Ever. But super mummy soldiers? Ridiculous!"
While on his mystical spirit journey, the Unknown Soldier meets a Raven outside a Mystery House.
So the Unknown Soldier is Cain? The disfigurement is Cain's mark? Cursed to wander east of Eden for all time? Cursed to fight in battle after battle because he was the first murderer and thus the creator of war? If my supposition is true, The Unknown Soldier just got interesting.
The Unknown Soldier's Origin remains a mystery although they've filled it out a bit more. The story then takes a few pages to explain that about 2000 American soldiers were converted to radical Islam in Afghanistan and are now operating in the United States. One places a virus in a nuclear plant which simply warns the operators that they can blow it up any time they want. And another works loading luggage onto planes and he blows one up at the end. I guess the Unknown Soldier is going to turn into the 2000 Radical Islamist Ghosts of Scooby Doo.
And now, THE WAR THAT I WISH TIME HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT!
This story begins when Ash Stevens (unless his name is something else) fell from the cliff because Elliott didn't have his back and let him down and failed. Luckily, the terrain beneath the cliff has changed from forest to water since he first began falling (although, to be fair, the terrain beneath was actually kind of blurry and if I had to tell the truth, I can't be positive it was supposed to be forest). He lands in the water and survives. Probably because the big fat-ass dinosaur broke the surface tension when it hit first.
I can barely win a fight against my housecat. Which means this is very, very unrealistic or I'm a total pantywaist.
Seriously. The end. I guess until G.I. Combat decides to revisit Ash Stevens. Maybe he'll end up becoming the New 52 version of Anthro
G.I. Combat #0 Rating: Fundamentalist! Because it mixes The Bible (Cain as Unknown Soldier) with Dinosaurs!