Saturday, September 22, 2012

Supergirl #0

People punched in the face by Supergirl so far in Issue 0: 0 (although she's already threatening to smack the reader on the cover)

The issue begins with Supergirl doing a Luke Skywalker in a tank of fluid. She's done this before in Simon Tycho's space apartment. But this time she's on Krypton. Her father knows his brother is right about the eminent destruction of Kyrpton, so he's preparing to save her life by shooting her into space. If only he and his brother had worked together on this, the cousins could have grown up together.

I wish they never would have realized they were cousins. They'd make such a cute couple!

Zor-el drives Kara out to a remote site to launch her into space. In the meantime, he's working on plans to shield Argo City from the destruction. So he plans to save the city but shoot his daughter into space all by herself? I can only imagine that he's not sure the shielding of Argo City will work. Or he's just tired of getting punched in the face by his daughter.

Hey Superbaby! Nobody wants you in this comic! Stop trying to steal the spotlight with your heroic jaws and your spit curls!

While Kara is visiting that fat fucking attention loving cute widdle Superbaby, her father and mother are busy in the lab. Well her father is busy and his mother is butting in trying to be helpful. Geez, woman! Can't you see Zor-el is busy saving your daughter and your help could only make it so maybe more people could be saved? Sheesh! Get out of the lab and get in the other lab!

During their conversation where Alura is merely trying to find out what her husband is up to, the creative team (or the uncreative team meaning the Editors! BURN!) throw a huge spoiler out there for Superman #0. I won't repeat it here because I only spoil comics that people can currently get their fucking hands on if they weren't cheap and/or lazy bastards. But this is DC's helpful suggestion after dropping the spoiler.

Oh, okay! Let me just get into my fucking time machine and I'll check that right out.

During the conversation, Krypton continues to shake violently. There isn't much time left to somehow trick Kara into changing into her Supergirl outfit and then stuff her into a man-sized egg-like spacecraft obviously modeled after technology from Ork. So Zor-el leaves Alura behind and rushes off to save Kara's life.

"Your mother doesn't know anything! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Although back at the lab, she's quickly finding out some things she'd rather not know. And, wait, what the fuck?

"Get out of our comic book! Nobody wants you here!"

So Superboy shows up. I guess he's figured out a way to get around Flashpoint at sometime in the very near future of the current present to end up in this long time ago past. Or this is simply that clone Kon since his body was never discovered. Perhaps those were some of the secret experiments Zor-el was doing in his discrete lab. He was probably extracting stem cells from the planet's greatest clone enemy. And you know how people get all fucking crazy about stem cells! Oh! And clones! Also people who try to destroy the world. Okay, yeah. I see why he was keeping this a secret.

I don't know! Spin around. Let's see the tush!

Zor-el has lined Kara's costume with some kind of sleeping lotion. Or else he drugged her earlier. But I think the sleeping lotion makes more sense. She begins to grow weak and passes out in her father's arms.

"Now get in your space egg and fuck off!"

As Zor-el places Kara in her egg, he reveals the secret as to why Kara orbited our sun for so long. He planned for her to remain in stasis so that he could retrieve her if Argo City survived Krypton's destruction due to his experimental shields. But if Argo City doesn't survive, Kara will gain so much power from orbiting the yellow sun that she'll "never be in danger again." Well, that worked out nicely, didn't it? She's only been running for her life for close to eleven issues now.

Also, the secret to who interrupted her father's Kryptonian Dildo Message is revealed as well! It is, of course, Alura coming to say goodbye to her daughter. She blasts Zor-el with the weapon he told her was a stun weapon earlier. Hopefully he wasn't lying about that or he's a dead man!

So before I finish, let me say, "Bravo!" I appreciate a comic book that puts mysteries out there and has no problem answering them in normal fashion as opposed to stringing them out for as long as possible. A good writer knows that more questions are easy to create. Answer your fucking questions and the story improves and moves forward so that you can introduce more mysteries. Don't just spend issue after issue reminding the reader that every member of Legion Lost has a fucking secret and then never reveal even one of them. So lazy.

Zor-el is merely stunned and weakened by the weapon. He still manages to launch Kara into space and enable the city's shield before Krypton breaks apart. As seen in earlier issues, Argo City fares better the rest of Krypton but it still doesn't manage to survive. Looks like only Superman, Supergirl, Kandor, and everybody (and dog) in the Phantom Zone are the only Kryptonians to survive. Also any other Kryptonian that a writer needs in a later story and can figure out an interesting way for him to survive. Like I bet the clone Kon survived by blasting into space on a normal Kryptonian space ship since Clones were first built for the dangers of space travel.

Supergirl #0 Rating: If the first twelve issues of this comic had been compacted down to about six, this comic would be ranked probably twenty spots higher. Also, Supergirl punches zero people in Issue Zero!

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