The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #3

Tragedy! I don't mean the death of Captain Atom's wife. I mean the shape his ass is in.

• Captain Atom has returned to the year 2017. He'll probably meet his seventeen year old son this issue. Luckily he can't create a time paradox by accidentally causing his son to fall in love with him because this is the present. Time paradoxes can only happen in the past, for some reason.

• This issue is called "Back to the Future." I feel like Cary Bates may have ripped off that title from somewhere.

• Dr. Megala has been waiting for Captain Atom to return. He's been pining away in his wheelchair, slowly falling apart. Although the guy talking to Captain Atom through the drone doesn't look like a decrepit old man at all. Maybe that's because Captain Atom left The New 52 universe and arrived back in the Rebirth Universe. That should explain everything.

• Captain Atom discovers his wife died seven years ago. I probably didn't have to mention that since it's right there on the cover.

• The most important thing to change since Captain Atom returned is that he can transform himself into a normal person. That's always a plus when you're a superhero. It's tough writing a character who can't look human. Or one that doesn't look human and can't talk! Remember Skitters from Teen Titans? She sure didn't last long! When she was normal, she couldn't do anything. But then to become interesting and transform into Skitters, she had to spin a cocoon which took like a whole day. When she emerged, she was now a superhero but she couldn't communicate and was super gross and nobody gave a shit about her. What a terrible character.

• Dr. Megala and General Eiling test out Captain Atom's new powers and discover he's the most powerful hero to ever grace the DC Universe. I think. He's offered a job working with the government but turns it down. But since the offer wasn't really an offer and more like one of those "Do it or we'll ruin your life" things, Captain Atom will probably change his mind. Especially when he discovers he has a seventeen year old son. That's reason enough to not have his life ruined, I guess. I'd rather go to jail for three counts of manslaughter than have to pretend I'm interested in some seventeen year old stranger who just happens to share my DNA.

The Ranking!
No change! It's kind of boring but I expected that from a Captain Atom comic book.

Nightwing #17

Deathwing has the worst ass in the DCU.

The Review!
I'll just cut to the chase: Deathwing is a Dollotron. In France, a Damian Dollotron also turns up but that one seems confused and willing to help Nightwing and Damian. That's all of the crucial plot points revealed in this issue. I'm not sure why Professor Pyg's Deathwing Dollotron has a blade that can cause Nightwing to see alternate realities but then I don't really know much about Professor Pyg. He's a pervert who likes to turn children into sexless dolls with masks glued to their faces, right? That seems about right for a Batman villain created by Grant Morrison.

Professor Pyg has Shawn. He thinks she can lift up his art since she's an artist. What's more artsy than turning an artist into a faceless, sexless work of perverse art? Not much that I can think of!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

Shade the Changing Girl #6

Now kiss!

My catch phrases are "Now kiss!", "Whoops!", and "This isn't an offer to suck Tom King's dick at the next convention, wink, wink!"

I'm not really enjoying this comic book but I don't think I'm meant to enjoy it. In the same way Shade the Changing Man seemed to be written for me in my late teens and early twenties when I most felt lost trying to forge a path into adult life and relationships, this book would probably resonate for a young person trying to navigate the social labyrinth of high school friendships and rivalries. I could be wrong and it might be just as banal for them as it is for me. My point is that I don't think I have the capacity to know the difference. Is it as boring as I think it is? Or is there something here that really connects to a certain person in a certain place in time?

In Vertigo's Shade the Changing Man, Shade eventually had to battle with the original owner of the body he had taken over, serial killer Troy Grenzer. It seems the only way to travel from Meta to Earth is to leave one's body in the Area of Madness (or just on Meta, I guess? This comic goes about the transportation in a slightly different way than Vertigo's Shade the Changing Man) and to arrive in a body of a person just on the brink of dying. It's that "on the brink" part that seems to cause trouble because the person doesn't completely die. So while Rac Shade had to deal with serial killer Troy fucking Kathy's brains out, Loma has to deal with mean girl Megan demanding her body back so she can once again torture all of her high school friends. I don't think the Grenzer thing happened as quickly as this confrontation is taking place. It seems like in comics these days, you have to sort out the established problems much quicker.

While Loma fights for her life, Megan's ex-boyfriend decides it's all about him and his feelings.

Ooh! A two man job? Maybe this book just got interesting!

Okay! My hand is now down my pants. I'm ready for the two man job! I hope they pull the old Chinese fingercuffs routine!

Megan's ghost gets upset that her old boyfriend Wes doesn't realize that her body has been hijacked by another person. Why should she be surprised?! Guys don't recognize personalities! All they see are tits and ass. And Loma still has those! Duh!

Back on Meta, Mellu has recovered the Madness Vest. It's still on Loma inside a protective coffin that Mellu can't open. But she's determined to gather an army together to invade Earth so she can get the Madness Vest back. That's a bit of plot I'm not too concerned with. It's just another standard alien invasion story! Why can't the Mellu stuff be written out of this comic book? It should just stick to the Mean Girl stuff.

River and Teacup rush to help Loma battle Megan. Between the three of them, they convince Megan that nobody ever liked her and Megan explodes into a rain of pink dandruff. Then Loma, Teacup, and River become the bestest of friends forever! But nobody pisses on the pile of pink dandruff to make sure it doesn't reform into Megan! They've obviously never studied my guide to exorcism.

Mostly the guide is just using the excuse that you're exorcising ghosts when somebody catches you peeing on their stuff.

See?! A nice warm stream of piss would have kept the pink dandruff from floating around in the air! Which would have prevented it from going into Megan's mouth to settle in her uterus. Oh man. Does this mean blow jobs can get you pregnant?!

The Ranking!
No change! I already told you I don't have the expertise to judge this comic book! And judging by most of the other comic book reviewers on the Internet (you know, fat white guys who know how much an Alpha Black Lotus is worth), none of them have the expertise either!

Earth Too: Society #22

What the fuck is going on with Flash's stomach?! That's Observational Comedy 101! I don't actually say anything funny. I just point out that I noticed something!

At the end of the last issue, Batdick was killed. That's probably a good thing because nobody needs a Dick Grayson on Earth Too: The Rebirthening. Ultra-Humanite was also killed by Green Lantern which is not a good thing because nobody in any lousy circle that has ever allowed me to be a part of their circle has ever clamored for an Alan Scott that murders. On the plus side, Vicente Cifuentes drew big tits on every female character. And he's drawing this issue too!

This was my favorite roleplaying game: Small Eyes, Big Tits!

This issue takes place six months after last issue ended. Power Girl seems happy and big titted (like usual). Actually, based on the size of tits that Vicente loves to draw, Power Girl's tits are just average! Her main super power (according to Comic Vine) is Big Old Titties (just after Wind Bursts). I suppose I'm being too critical. What do I know about the laws of physics on Earth Too: The Rebirthening?!

Power Girl is flying around Metropolis Too while think-speaking to America. At first I just thought she was thinking to herself but when she's interrupted by a report of a robbery in progress, she thinks, "Oh, one sec." You don't say that if you're just thinking to yourself. So she's totally in a telepathic bond with America right now, discussing how much she loves Earth Too: The Rebirthening.

Seeing heroes as a boon and not a menace should be the lowest bar of a comic book world! Fuck, comics are in such a terrible state. Stop trying so hard to reflect the real world and maybe present a world of inspiration like you're supposed to be doing, comic books! Having that happen here on Earth Too: The Rebirthening shouldn't be an anomaly!

Instead of moving into the future and showing why people should totally be creaming their jeans for whatever version of Earth 2 will crop up in Rebirth, Power Girl decides to remind everybody of how terrible Earth 2 and World's End and Convergence and Earth Too: Society were. Normally, I wouldn't suggest recapping a series in the final issue¹. Also, I'm not suggesting it now, if that whole "normally" clause confused you into thinking I was going to conclude with an "in this case." My guess is that everybody reading this issue remembers how terrible all of the Earth 2 stories were. It was almost as if DC saw how popular the Injustice comic book was and was desperate to have that kind of thing happening in their canon universe. Maybe that would have been interesting if they didn't fuck over Earth 2 to do it.

The way Power Girl is explaining things, this feels like it should have been the Earth 2 Rebirth issue. But what new readers are hopping on at Issue #22 and thinking, "I hope this explains what this book has been about and where it's headed!"

Yeah, this is a good way to look at what happened. Just forget about all the non-Wonder survivors of Earth 2 who were wiped out of existence by the miraculous do-over.

This miracle is like the time the Non-Certified Spouse was told she was pregnant by about fifteen thousand home pregnancy tests (she's a bit obsessive) but was then menstruating two days later. Sure, I called that a miracle but some people might have looked side-eye at me for that proclamation! Thank you, Baby Jesus, for taking away my child (whom we named Astird (yes, like from The Office))! I didn't even pray for this great miracle! I always knew he was pro-choice!

One thing I learned from the experience is that these pregnancy tests that proclaim they can tell a woman if they're pregnant earlier than anybody else due to changing hormones and not due to a fertilized egg actually attaching to the uterine wall to set up shop for the next nine months are causing an epidemic of heartbreak and grief. I found a number of forums on the web where women were shattered that they had seemingly lost their baby in cases like these. To be fair, it's not simply the pregnancy test's fault. It's also the fault of the Anti-Choice people and their life begins at conception propaganda campaign. If a pregnancy stick says pregnant than the woman must be pregnant! It's not like science and biology are complicated matters! They're God's will! If a sperm fertilizes an egg, that's it! LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that egg doesn't attach or the body rejects it for whatever reason, your sins probably caused that to happen! And now you've killed your child, you selfish bastard!

Power Girl points out that, since this is a second chance, the Wonders are going to make it work this time. I guess they took the old world for granted and just shrugged off all the crime and disasters happening around them. This time, though, they're going to save everybody and Darkseid will never get a foothold on their Earth because they're all so damn vigilant now!

Hey kid! Watch the grabby hands!

To be fair to that kid, at least he isn't hanging on with his lips like some person I know that totally isn't me but, like, a friend or something.

Look at that previous scan. See that pudgy fuck with the old timey mustache? He's definitely a super villain.

According to Power Girl's summation of Earth Too: The Rebirthening, the defining characteristics of this new world are that Batman is a woman and Superman is black. Also probably that Green Lantern is gay. It's an Earth 2 for a new generation! The first Earth 2 was all white men and women (mostly men!) fighting Nazis. But then Earth 1 came along to update that old way of thinking, creating a world where white men and women (mostly men!) fought things other than Nazis. Now this new Earth 2 is about diversity! I guess this Earth 2 is in the DC You Universe?

At the weekly meeting of the Justice Society, we learn that Earth Too: The Rebirthening has a Lex Luthor and a Belle Reve. Also that the voice that's been alerting the Wonders to crimes is that of Oracle. Who is Oracle? Probably Batdick's computerized brainwaves. Remember how he had a broken back! Also maybe he's not totally dead or something (he isn't! He's last to arrive to the meeting which starts off with a total downer remembrance of everybody who died while trying to fix Earth 2 basically since The New 52 began).

The Ranking!
+1! This is where Earth 2 should have began when it started about a year into The New 52! All that other shit should have been brainstormed as background and not sold as a monthly comic book (weekly at times with World's End! UGH!) for five years! Anyway, I guess Earth 2 is now a kind of mish-mash of Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-Infinite Crisis, Post-New-52, Prebirth, Afterbirth, Preboot, and Reboot universes! It's what DC Comics should always and never have been! Or something. Anyway, it at least ends in a way that makes a Rebirth Earth 2 possibly interesting.

_______________________
¹Oh god. Is this the final issue? I fucking hope this is the final issue!

Death of Hawkman #6

Yay! It's the moment we've all been waiting for!

If I'm cheated out of reading the actual death of hawkman with some bullshit comic book fuckery, I am demanding my money back from DC Comics. And if they don't pay up, I'm suing the fuck out of them. And damages will be a whole lot more than just the twenty four dollars I initially demanded be refunded. I'm suing for every fucking dollar I gave them during The New 52 and that whore's piles of a series, Convergence.

The Review!
This review only needs one thing: a scan of the panel where Hawkman dies. If that doesn't happen, this comic book is going to drop a lot in the rankings! I'm tired of being lied to by comic book covers and mothers!

Oh no you don't! He's totally worth killing! He's twenty four dollars worth killing!

Hawkman does die but it's not gruesome or entertaining enough to scan. Sorry! He just punches his Nth Metal through Despero's head which drains him of his qi and he becomes a desiccated corpse which withers into a skeleton wearing a winged helmet and floating in space. But Despero reforms because Despero is made out of pure Nth metal now! I'm sure Hawkman doesn't at all live inside of him now that his Nth Metal is a part of Despero. I'm fairly certain Hawkman won't be reborn out of Despero's anus in the next series, The Extremely Painful Rebirth of Hawkman. I'm almost completely and utterly certain that the ending of this comic which reads "Not the end. Nowhere near it" is actually he end. No way this comic earned enough to ensure a sequel, right? Even with everybody purchasing it because they wanted to jerk off to Hawkman dying, the miserable bastards. Not me, of course! The reason I didn't scan Hawkman's death panel has nothing at all to do with love juice stains and everything to do with whatever lie I told earlier.

The Ranking!
-4! Yes, you read that right! MINUS FUCKING FOUR! Sure, I'm glad Hawkman died. But why couldn't the final page say "The End. Forever. We totally mean it."?

Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.