Batman #11

If you are a regular reader of this blog, I want to congratulate you for being a jenius.

Last issue was wasted. All it did was reprint an old letter from Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne! I'd mention the story that appeared behind the letter but it was mostly just Batman repeating over and over again that he's going to break Bane's damn back if Bane doesn't do what Batman thinks Bane should do. How many times is Batman going to force me to say this: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Batman?!" Fucking spoiled brat thinks he deserves everything his way. I suppose when you get everything you've ever wanted as a child and your family is rich as fuck and you have a waiter assigned to personally take care of every one of your needs, you must think your parents being killed is the greatest disaster to ever happen to anybody ever in the entire history of the world. So now Batman thinks he deserves everything he wants even more than he did when he was just a spoiled rich little white privileged cunt. What a tosser!

Today I had lunch with my niece who just recently turned eight. Other people were there but since I'm apparently her best friend, my attention is attuned to her the entire time. At one point, she was showing me how her fingers were sticking together because she was eating her pancakes with her hands. Not that she was pointing out the cause and effect. I just did that as part of the story. She just thought it was fascinating as opposed to disgusting that her hands were covered in syrup. I held up my hand pretending that my fingers were stuck together as well and she exclaimed, "They are not! Your fingers are not unique!" I told her, "Oh yeah? One of my fingers is unique!" And she said, "Really? Show me!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed because I couldn't be the one to teach her how to flip somebody off.

That had nothing to do with Batman but it was at the forefront of my brain so there you have it.

Oh! I forgot that I began that first paragraph with the intention of saying how this issue is the one I was looking forward to! We finally get to see Batman's Suicide Squad in action! That's got to be more exciting than a sappy love note from Selina to Bruce. Especially since his team features Punch and Jewlee (I keep wanting to type "Jewelee" but, apparently, Rebirth Jewlee spells her name differently).

Although maybe I'm wrong because this issue begins with a flashback to when Batman caught Catwoman.

You could say, "Good job on killing all of those child murderers. I have one more that could use some killing. You may have heard of him?"

The narrative returns to the present so I can get some of that sweet Batman's Suicide Squad action. But first, a little more sexual tension full of bat boners and cat juices.

Being with a 237 times killer is probably a huge turn-on. I mean in the context of having killed child murderers! Also, having The Ventriloquist watch is probably a turn-off. Probably.

Apparently Wesker, the Ventriloquist, is the key to Batman's entire plan. Remember when ventriloquism was all the rage and everybody was using it in their gothic horror novels? Hmm, you probably don't remember the 18th century and I doubt you've ever read Wieland. But you probably remember how Superman used to solve about eighty percent of his problems with super-ventriloquism! I bet Tom King wrote this entire story thinking, "You know what hasn't been a key plot point in comic books in a long time? Ventriloquism! Get to work, brain! Don't distract brain, penis!"

Wieland also featured spontaneous combustion way before Dickens thought he was cool using it in Bleak House. Dickens was such a hipster dildo!

While Catwoman and Wesker sneak in under the prison and head toward Psycho Pirate's cell, Punch, Jewlee, and Bronze Tiger march right up to the front door. Bronze Tiger has the hardest job of them all: having to listen to Punch and Jewlee practically fuck each other in front of them with their cutesy banter.

Bane sends a guard to let them in for some reason. I guess Bronze Tiger applied for a visa to visit Santa Prisca.

Catwoman and the Ventriloquist have a little Breakfast Club moment as they crawl around under the prison headed to Cell Block D. Is this entire story just a rewrite of The Breakfast Club? Five strangers (Punch and Jewlee are technically one person) stuck in detention together facing off against a raging bull running the place with constant narrative shifts in power as the day progresses? Wesker is the nerd. Punch and Jewlee are the basketcase. Bronze Tiger is the athlete. Catwoman is the criminal. And Batman is the princess. It totally works.

Must Bane always conduct business from his toilet of skulls?

Catwoman decides to screw up Batman's plan (unless Batman's plan was for Catwoman to screw up his plan! But I don't think so because Batman allowed his penis to distract his brain). So instead of rescuing Psycho Pirate while Bronze Tiger distracts Bane, she drops into Bane's "throne" room to reveal the entirety of Batman's plan. Which, basically, amounts to Batman breaking Bane's back for revengesies. Oh, and also getting Psycho Pirate to help Gotham Girl. Although that's beginning to sound a bit like Bush's WMD excuse for invading Iraq which he just wanted to do anyway. You know, for revengesies!

Catwoman slices Punch and Jewlee's throats and steps on Bronze Tiger's face. If Punch and Jewlee really die (which, I can't see why they shouldn't, being the perfect kind of D-list villain fodder for Batman's Suicide Squad which the actual Suicide Squad never remembers to put on their team) it means Batman's Suicide Squad has been more aptly named than any of Amanda's since The New 52 began. Catwoman offers Bane knowledge on how to break the bat if he'll give her a plane and money and help her disappear. That could also be part of Batman's plan because he really wants her to be free. But I don't think killing Punch and Jewlee would be part of his plan. Even though Catwoman actually kills them, I'm fairly certain that planning somebody's murder is one of the few rules Batman would follow in his Here Are The Various Reasons Why That Person's Death Was Not On Me Rulebook.

The Ranking!
+1! Fine. Here's my confession: I actually like this more violent, desperate Catwoman. It's way more catlike than the whole steals but doesn't kill thing! Cats are fucking murdering monsters! It's part of the reason I love them so much.

Batman #10

Batman's Suicide Squad has a better team composition than all of Amanda's squads since The New 52 began.

Batman has decided that he wants something that Bane has. Batman doesn't ask Bane politely. He just tells Bane that he's come for Psycho Pirate and if Bane says anything other than "Oh really? Great! Here you go! Enjoy!", Batman is going to take Psycho Pirate anyway. How is that acting like a superhero? I know Batman needs Psycho Pirate for a good reason. But it's his good reason versus Bane's good reason for keeping Psycho Pirate. Does Batman care about why Bane needs Psycho Pirate? Of course not. Batman lives in a world where whatever Batman wants, the world can go fuck itself while Batman gets it. And today, to Bane's up and coming regret, Batman wants Psycho Pirate.

While Batman is flying to Santa Prisca with his Suicide Squad, he's also reading a letter from Catwoman. I don't think he's actually reading it while he's flying the plane into Santa Prisca. It's just a narrative device where Tom King has decided that the reader needs a little background information on Catwoman and why she murdered 237 people. Spoiler: she actually didn't. I don't know for sure that she didn't but, come on! Even if she admits to it in the letter, she's admitting it for her own selfish reasons! I will stake my left testicle on it because my left testicle is the one I don't use. Also, if she turns out to be a murderer, I was only kidding about the testicle. I use it all the time and I'm not giving it up.

On the second and third page, Selina admits in the letter to the murders. "Why I killed them," she says. "Why I killed so many of them." But remember what I said! She's lying! She has to be lying or else Batman will never put his penis in her vagina and butthole and mouth ever again. And that is not a DC Universe that I want to read about.

I did Batman gather together a Suicide Squad if he's going to battle Bane's entire army all by himself?! He must be the distraction. Or he just needs to be on the inside when his plan goes into action.

As you can see from Selina's letter, she knows Batman's identity. So at least Rebirth got that much right! Plus having the reader believe Selina has murdered so many people helps them forget that she was written by Ann Nocenti. Then when they discover she didn't kill anybody, they'll be relieved and it will just seem like Batman and Catwoman are right back to their relationship they're expected to have.

Batman is captured and brought before Bane where he fractures the Bat's back. He would have broken it but he's not on Venom anymore. Also, he may have just realigned it. It's hard to tell from the visual. But I don't think realigning makes that loud of a KKKRAAAKKK. Bane then drags him to a hole in the floor and tosses him in. This is probably where the plan begins!

Selina's letter explains that the orphanage in which she grew up was bombed by a Khandaqi terrorist organization called the Dogs of War. She explains that they had 237 members and that now they had none. So apparently she killed all of those terrorists because they were child murderers. Okay fine. Who cares if she killed all of those people then? Not me! And I bet not Batman either! He might not kill but he has a way of turning his back on the right people being killed by the other right people!

Down in the cell, Batman realigns his back because it wasn't fractured, just severely dislocated. He escapes the pit and heads off to let Catwoman and the Ventriloquist into Bane's Prison Fortress. The entire while, he's reading that letter. Or remembering it. Or it's just that damned narrative trick to get the reader inside of Catwoman's head and to understand that Batman and Catwoman have shared romance and probably more. But it also expresses Selina's reasons for why it never works, not for long. But she hopes she's wrong.

I don't know if she can be wrong if she murdered 237 people! Even if they're terrorists! I mean, Batman would still probably have a relationship with her if she promised to never slit another throat. And I'm sure she could promise that. But can Batman promise to never make her feel badly for having murdered 237 people before he met her? A lot of guys couldn't handle that! I mean, 237?! Christ! I've barely murdered four!

The Ranking!
+1! I like that Catwoman's past is told through an epistle. It ties this story to her Valentine stories which, although not quite as Catwomany as I would have liked, were still the best Catwoman stories of The New 52. I'm also glad for the hints at a past romance between Batman and Catwoman, intimate enough that Catwoman already knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne. That's something that was missing from their relationship in The New 52. Batman not telling Selina his identity while he knows hers makes for a imbalance of power and trust that destroys any belief that they're truly intimate with each other. Fuck the 237 murders as long as I can have these two back to playing at whatever they're always playing at!

Also, I'm sure she's lying about murdering those people! It's not like any of those murders have appeared on panel yet, right?! She probably knows who did the murdering but Batman thought it was her and she loves him too much to tell him he's not quite the World's Greatest Detective.

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Superman #12

The Frankensteins are coming for dinner!

The first thing I noticed is that Lois rides a boy's bike. I get that girl's bikes were designed for skirts but we all realized as boys, fairly early on, that girl's bikes would have been preferable for boys as well. It just takes one accident where you rack yourself on the frame to realize you wished you had had the balls to buy a girl's bike before you lost them on the boy's bike. Of course, now that there isn't any stigma against a woman riding a bike like a man (meaning riding a bike like a normal person would ride a fucking bike if it weren't for social conventions created by horrible and uptight people), it's no big deal. But I still noticed it! Lois is such a man!

Even though Lois has accepted the job at the Daily Planet pretending to be Lois Lane, Lois Smith still needs a job of her own. So she's going to be working for the Hamilton Horn, Hamilton County's local paper. And she gets her first big story during the interview as Frankenstein crashes through the wall.

Frankenstein thinks the editor in chief is somebody named Outcast. He also mentions SHADE which is usually when I begin suggesting possibly reverse acronyms for it. Super Humans Against Dowdy Editors?

Lois Lane keeps one of Batman's Hellbat gloves in her backpack. I would say she stole it but if Batman has yet to reclaim it, the only reasonable assumption is that he doesn't mind Lois having it. She uses it to put down Frankenstein so she can help the editor escape. The editor must be evil because why else would Frank target her? Other than the fact she's an editor. I mean, that alone is reason enough to destroy her and send her to Hell.

I might have an irrational hatred and bias toward editors. Although maybe it's not irrational. You would probably hate people who constantly "tsk-tsked" your manuscripts as well. What do editors know about art anyway?! They look at the Chicago Manual of Style as the Mona Lisa of grammar. More like a gigantic snoozefest of boring rules and impossible to follow regulations!

Lois and Candice, the editor (can you read the word "editor" as if it's in some kind of gross, dripping font every time you see me write it? Thanks!), escape in Frank's hovercycle he brought to the scene of his attempted justicing. See that last sentence? That's pretty good, right?! Totally conveys the point I'm trying to make. But an editor (dripping font, remember!) would be all, "Justicing is not a word. Change it. It should make sense." But it does make sense! Everybody can sense the fuck out of it! Except stupid editors.

Frankenstein hops on the vehicle as Lois uses it to escape. But then Superman appears because the title of this comic book is "Superman" and not "The Adventures of Superman's Wife, Lois Smith".

Last issue, Superman fought Swamp Thing. Now he's fighting Frankenstein. Let me guess: next story, he's going to beat the shit out of Kermit the Frog!

Frank shoots Superman in the face with his magic pistol and then crushes Superman under a tractor. Then he walks away as if that's all it takes to defeat Superman. I don't think Frankenstein has been doing his SHADE homework again. Stupid Homework Always Drags Endlessly?

Guns don't kill Frankenstiens. Mobs with pitchforks and torches kill Frankensteins.

Superman returns to punch Frank in the face again but not before Frank uses his Remote Control to call back his hover vehicle. It returns with Lois still at the helm and smashes into the back of Superman's head. Hopefully it's made of technology and not magic or else Superman might have a super-concussion.

Frankenstein cuts off Candice's face revealing she's a Manhunter. Or a robot or something. You know, like I said, she's a fucking editor. They all deserve to get their faces cut off!

Candice turns out to be Kroog, some kind of alien murderer. Now Superman needs to figure out if he should stop Frankenstein or not. And Lois will have to figure out what the Frankensteins eat when she cooks them supper at the end of the next issue, after the Bride of Frankenstein arrives. I know she was on the cover of this issue but she didn't quite make it before the first part ended.

The Ranking!
+1! Come on! Frankenstein has come back! That alone is worth the cover price. But also, the editor was revealed to be a hidden monster! And guess who edits this book? Eddie Berganza! Coincidence? I think not!

Superman Annual #1

They're fighting over who loves the sun more.

Tumblr, I would appreciate it if you would stop filling my dashboard with advertisements for fetish sites.

No thanks!


Super no thanks!


Enough with the avocados already! I don't even like to eat them!

This issue begins with Clark checking the cabbages on his farm. But he's not wearing his glasses, so how is he going to see it clearly? Also he isn't wearing overalls and from everything I know about farmers is that they wear overalls. Unless they also wear flannel shirts. But if they're wearing flannel shirts and playing a bass guitar, they are probably not farmers but slackers from Seattle. Judging from the cover, it looks like Clark is going to either ask Swamp Thing for help and it will all go wrong, or Clark is going to use some kind of Monsanto seeds and face the harsh judgment of the alt-left. I mean Swamp Thing!

I'm not a farmer but I think Clark's problem might be trying to grow his cabbages directly under the elm in the backyard.

My guess is that the fields are super dry because growing Black Mercies takes a lot out Earth earth.

Clark decides to investigate the problem with his farm as Superman. Obviously there must be something strange going on if Superman can't grow a few cabbages. No way he's just an idiot when it comes to farming, right? He tears off his shirt and flies into the sky.

Has there ever been a story in the 60s or 70s where a tailor in Metropolis figured out Superman's secret identity simply because Clark kept bringing in all of his shirts to get the buttons sewn back on?

Superman manages to find Swamp Thing draining all of the water around the Smith Farm. Swamp Thing's first words to Preboot Superman are, "You don't belong here anymore!" Oh. I don't want to see these two fighting! They're one of my favorite ships!

OMG! So cute!

Swamp Thing has felt something wrong with The Green surrounding Preboot Superman's existence on Earth New Earth. Don't worry, Swampy. We all feel it! I keep hoping every Superman story arc I read is going to fix it. But then I also hope that each Superman story arc I read doesn't fix it because DC Comics has a tendency of fixing things in a way that just makes them more broken. I really think it's time they stop trying to tie up all the weird continuity ends and just say, "Fuck it!" I think that's a reasonable way to approach most of life's problems.

Although keeping the DC Universe in this state has one upside: it makes Preboot Superman one of my favorite characters. I love that he can reference all of the stories of DC's past that nobody else knows anything about. Except maybe Wally West. But I don't like Wally West for no particular reason at all.

See?! They're going to fight over who's a bigger fan of the sun! Like a couple of asshat Harry Potter fans on Tumblr!

Superman touches Swamp Thing, leaving a big blue hand-print on him. And then Swamp Thing begins to speak in Klingon. I mean Kryptonian. He says, "I'm Superman. And I can do almost anything. Except of course raise the dead." So he's not Jesus Christ. Big deal! He's better than Jesus. Bigger! More popular!

Swamp Thing continues: "I'm here to say goodbye, Clark. I know you are not coming back. You and your family are not what you believe you are." I hope Superman is lying to Clark right now because I don't want Preboot Superman to not be Preboot Superman. See what's happening? DC Comics is trying to fix shit and only making it worse! Because usually they're fixing the thing that they used to fix the last thing that was broken but meant to fix the previous thing that was broken which was the thing they used to fix a previous thing that was broken. And, of course, used to fix another thing. All the way back to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Every fucking time DC changes their universe, it's just another domino due to the 1985 Crisis.

More from Swamp Thing as he and Superman battle: "You may not be here in body but I know you are in apirit...". I think he probably meant spirit there. Superman does mention that Swamp Thing's accent and dialect make it so he can barely understand him. It does seem weird that the most obvious Kryptonian letter is the S because it matches Superman's symbol for hope. And yet that's the letter the letterer typos? I think it's a clue!

Superman drives Holland deep into the Earth so that Swamp Thing can take root and cleanse himself of the virus Superman gave him by touching him. It works and Swamp Thing stops spouting Kryptonian. That's too bad. I wanted to hear more!

After Swamp Thing is better, he decides to help Superman cleanse himself too. To do that, he wants to fuse with Superman. YES PLEASE!

Instead of relenting and eating one of Swamp Thing's Fuck Fruits, Superman decides punching is the better solution. I suppose Swamp Thing should get consent but since I want to see them fuck and I know they're fictional characters, I don't really mind that Swamp Thing is being so aggressive. Plus his "fusion" isn't really about fucking. But it still sounds intimate enough that he should stop and explain things to Superman instead of playing the "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! WE MUST WASTE TIME FIGHTING NOW!" card.

Apparently Swamp Thing did have an actual timetable for fusion and it might have to do with the setting sun. Because after fighting a bit, Swamp Thing points out that they can't even fuse now. So instead, he eats Superman. I'm starting to see why my Tumblr Dashboard is full of advertisements thinking that I want to have sex with fruits. I'm still a bit confused about the baby with the codpiece.

Apparently Preboot Superman is drawing in too much solar energy around him. So that's why his cabbages keep dying! Of course it isn't because he sucks at farming! That would have been preposterous! What is also preposterous is the spelling of preposterous.

Swamp Thing finally gets permission from Swamp Thing to do the fusion thing. Although is it really consent if you've already eaten the person?

Swamp Thing says Superman has to forget the past to remain on Earth New Earth. See that? Fuck you, DC! You can't tell me to forget that this is Preboot Superman just because Swamp Thing tells him to forget that he's Preboot Superman! You can suck my dick, DC Comics! Just stop trying to fix everything already! This isn't going to make Superman fit better. Everybody else still knows he's a different Superman. I suppose if all of the editors tell all of the writers to just treat this Superman as the New 52 Superman, it gets rid of some of the stupid shit you pulled trying to fix New 52 Superman. But really you've just broken everything a little bit more. What will be your next fix that breaks things more by fixing one tiny thing? Idiots.

The Review!
Look, I hate the idea that this Superman somehow needs to be fixed by incorporating him into the New 52 world better. And that's where my vitriol comes from. But I actually liked this story by Tomasi and Gleason. Besides, they didn't go to the extreme that Swamp Thing erased Superman's memories. Swamp Thing just put the emphasis on Superman to look toward the future and simply accept Earth New Earth as if it were Preboot Earth One. That kind of works for me since I already think of it that way. And I think of it as Pre-Zero Hour Earth and Post Crisis Earth and Pre-Crisis Earth too. All the stories in my head, the ones I grew up reading, are what make the DC Universe, not what DC tells me about their Universe. They hardly ever know what they're doing anyway when it comes to editorial control. It's best just to love the stories by the writers you love and believe the characters have been built upon those stories alone.

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Superman #10

Now kiss! Not the kids, you whacko perv!

The Review!
I really need to just read a bunch of comic books and then write quick reviews on each so I can catch up. But how can I not express how my heart grew three sizes this day when I turned to the second page to see that the person Jon Smith bumped into at school is Maya Nobody?! This is almost the same feeling I get when I watch Degrassi Junior High!

It turns out Maya was sent to spy on Superboy by the control freak's son, Control Freak Junior. But Jon almost burns down a forest and Maya steps in and...well, they wind up in the Batcave so that Robin can express to Jon what I've been expressing to Tomasi and Gleason for months now.

You tell him, Damian! I mean, it's not really his fault. It's the fault of the writers, Monstrous Tomasi and Grotesque Gleason!

So the stuff that I usually talk about happens like Maya laughing at Jon's joke at Robin's expense and Alfred praising Jon for being so much more civil than the Robins he's known. Then I would usually have some terribly opinionated opinions about things and insult a good three percent of my readers. Then they probably never read another review I write which is okay because the terribly opinionated opinions I said would have made somebody with a keener sense of humor laugh and they would make up for my loss in readership. But for now, I just have to get by with a few quick words and a few scans. I'm over sixty comics behind and I just want to catch up to the weekly books!

Finally! My favorites! The Bat-Pets!

Robin's grin after that Goldie remark is only bested by the following page where Superboy wipes it off his face by punching him in the stomach. Like fathers, like sons, I suppose.

The kids get in a brawl and only stop when Superman and Batman glare mightily at them. I think I'm going to like these kids. I definitely like Jon a whole lot more than when I first pretended I hated him because kid characters are usually annoying. But I've liked Damian since he first appeared. It wasn't hard to choose Damian as my favorite Robin when the other choices are boring Tim Drake, fangasm Jason Todd, and run-of-the-mill Dick Grayson. I mean, I like Dick now! (You are not allowed to use that out of context!) But he was crap for a long time. And Jason Todd isn't the poor little poor boy hunka-hunka manbeef Jason Todd fans have deluded them into thinking he is. He's just an ass, and as of the last few years, a poorly written ass. But Damian is a firecracker! He's decapitated more people than all of the other Robins put together!

+1 Ranking.