Batman Beyond #13

Somebody went overboard on the yellow ink.

This comic books has a cover date of August which means it probably came out in May or June. I'm only reading it now because I don't give more than a few shits (and probably not even that many) about Batman Beyond starring Tim Drake. It's like DC Comics decided to make a nonsense world that made no sense (thus the descriptor, "nonsense") and sell it to all of the assholes who read DC Comics. Fools! Oh, I realize I'm one of them! But not anymore. I've dropped Batman Beyond from my pull list because even though I only give a few shits about Tim Drake's Batman Beyond, I give no shits about Terry McGinnis's!

This isn't even going to be a proper review because who cares? Not that any of my reviews are proper reviews. Half the time somebody reads one of my reviews, they wind up more confused about a book than when they didn't know anything at all. This review will be even worse than that so you might want to have a doctor on hand. Is it possible for words to cause strokes? I'm pretty sure they can cause aneurysms because I once met this woman at a party who was so annoyed that I kept pronouncing Linux wrong, that I kept pronouncing Linux wrong. Less than a month later, she was dead from an aneurysm. I'm not bragging about getting away with murder by telling that story! I'm just saying people should be careful listening to me and probably reading my words. Although if you mispronounce anything I write, that's on you!

This issue begins with Tim Drake drowning. I'm tempted to just rip out the last eighteen pages because this seems like a fitting end for a character I don't like who wound up in a depressing future that makes no sense and which DC Comics has completely abandoned with Rebirth. Speaking of Rebirth, didn't Tim Drake's death in Rebirth make this comic book obsolete? Or did Rebirth simply make all of Futures End like a shrug in the fog? Did I steal that line from Edie Brickell?

Philosophy! It's the talk on a cereal box! Religion! A fly on a dog!
I'm not afraid of too many things but I can think of one: a spider with wings! Yeah!

I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't defibrillate a person to save them from drowning!

Tim survives and heads back to the Batcave where Barbara Gordon checks out the suit and says, "It's fine! Whatever happened won't happen again because it was just easy drama to end the first part of this four part story! Now do you want to know how you died in the past?!" I mean, he didn't die! He just disappeared and went into the future. Now all that needs to happen is he needs to get bitten by a vampire, steal a Time Bubble, and head back into the past to start NOWHERE. It had better happen in this comic book because this is my last fucking chance to be right about the identity of Harvest!

Babs explains how the Tim of her reality just disappeared and Batman could never find him. A-ha! So if nobody ever explains anything else about Futures End Tim Drake or where he went, I can claim that he became Harvest! I will never have been proven wrong! I fucking knew I nailed Harvest's identity! Suck on it, Tott Dedell!

Although Babs begins telling the story about how Terry McGinnis decided to solve the Mystery of the Disappearing Boring Robin. I hope he never solves it. Or, if he does, it involves vampires and time travel!

Terry heard some gossip that The Joker killed Tim Drake. So he went to investigate the place that supposedly cremated The Joker. What was he hoping to find? Some burnt, over-sized shoes? What's even more confusing is that Babs sends Tim to the same funeral home to find Rewire! Oh wait. The very next panel explains that. I should probably pay more attention to the comic I don't give more than a few shits about before criticizing it.

The two stories are told at the same time because they're practically the same story or something. It's really artsy! Especially if you're into the kind of thing a robot from the 80s would think was artsy and cutting edge! Remember, in Dan Jurgens' mind, Watchmen has only been out for about a year! Comics are smart again! Maybe not even again. Maybe it was in the eighties when comics became smart for the very first time!

Babs' story ends with the Mystery of the Disappearing Boring Robin still unsolved. That means I was right! Red Robin does become Harvest! I fucking knew it! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! The other story ends with Rewire revealing his face while some guy in spiral pajamas bro-hugs him. Am I supposed to recognize him? I mean, the next month blurb says, "Terry, Rewired!" So I'm assuming the new Rewire is Terry McGinnis.

What's going to happen to Out of Time Tim Drake now that Terry McGinnis is back and ready to be Batman Beyond again? Maybe this one will also become a vampire named Harvest! That would explain so much if there were actually two Harvests. Or more! I bet every Tim Drake from every timeline wound up becoming Harvest and they all time traveled back to The New 52 where they weren't supposed to because time travel didn't work. So when they realized they broke the laws of the universe because the writers writing them were morons, they decided to team up and begin NOWHERE. Because that's where they belonged! NOWHERE!

The Review!
If I were to review this comic book, I would start by saying I was never interested in Batman Beyond and I've always hated Tim Drake. Then I would say "Can you do math?" and leave it at that.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metal Men!

I really don't care about the Metal Men part of this comic book.

Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

That's probably a good enough segue to begin discussing the Metal Men. I mean, I did mention garbage cans.

This issue begins with Chemo attacking the Metal Men and their new friends, the Other Metal Men.

This was written before the U.S. election. So I think there's a new bar for a worst day ever.

The Narrator of this comic book refers to the Metal Men as "our heroes." They're not my heroes! The Metal Men are the kind of characters people like when they're kids and then continue to like into adulthood simply for nostalgic reasons. I never liked them as a kid and so I'm not saddled with the nostalgia of having spent lonely Saturdays reading Metal Men comic books nursing the fat lip I got from trying to make a friend. Now that I'm almost mature, I certainly have no taste for these silly creatures. Although I do like Doc Magnus. He's sophisticated. He smokes a pipe and enjoys butt stuff! I don't do one of those things but I still admire him! He's so grown up and mature!

So the Metal Men (Not My Heroes!) are now battling Chemo. Do they always battle Chemo? Doesn't Chemo just look like a big container of Mountain Dew that was shaken too hard and possibly pissed in?

You can probably guess how I read this the first time.

Chemo burps green chowder all over the street as Doc Magnus and Doc Lace (who is also probably into butt stuff and smoking things) argue. Doc is all, "Did you do this?!" And Doc is all, "I did not!" And then Doc is all, "We should have this conversation later when our lives are not threatened!" And Doc is all, "Yeah!" And then Doc is all, "But did you do this?!" I don't have to explicate that anymore, do I? You can see why it's hilarious, right?

I just realized that this Doc Magnus is a younger, less dapper version of himself. Instead of smoking a pipe, he wears goggles. So I still only do one of the things this Doc Magnus does!

Chemo kills Silicon because nobody cared about a Metal Man made out of Silicon! It's possible Len Wein could have made one that people cared about. He could have worn a bow tie while trying to catch the eye of some angels to get his start-up going! He could have been all, "I'm an up and coming young go-getter who won't take no for an answer! I'm also willing to screw over my friends and associates to get an investment for my app! And when I say 'my app,' I mean the app I conned a bunch of other people into making who were all paid by the hour and didn't get a stake in the final product because it was my intellectual idea! And when I say 'my intellectual idea,' I mean the idea of my friends who didn't understand contract law and lost all of their rights to the project!" Man, I'm glad Silicon is dead! He was a total douche!

And then, in the middle of the battle, I find myself shocked. I'm not easily shocked either! That previous panel I scanned could have had a printing error that printed the way I read it anyway and I would have shrugged and gotten on with my life. But in the middle of the battle against Chemo, I find myself aghast! Agog! Amazed at what I'm seeing! And, if I'm honest, a little bit turned on!

Does Lead always masturbate during battle?

Before anybody decides they're going to explain what the picture above really is, just fucking relax and take a breath. Enjoy the absurdity of my fucking commentaries and stop trying to make sure everybody knows exactly what the fuck is going on at all times. You're being a patronizing twat. I commented on the cover of Scooby Apocalypse #4, "I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out." I said this because the artist drew Scooby's tongue exactly where Shaggy's cock would be if it were sticking out of his zipper. And the tongue looked exactly like a flaccid, uncircumcised cock! But some idiotic shit had to reply, "That's Scooby's tongue." Yeah, no shit, fucktwit! Relax! Chill out! Let people say things that are stupid and hilarious and make you see the world differently than maybe you might have seen it before. Especially when all that person seems to see are dicks.

Mother Machine reveals herself (I mean, re-reveals herself since I think, last issue, she already declared she needed to take action herself) and explains her plans to the reader. This is all because she wants a Responsometer! She describes a Responsometer as "a baseball-sized computer that allows the Metal Men to act independently of the Internet." That's what makes the Responsometer so special? That it works without being linked to the Internet?! That's hardly special! I thought what made the Responsometer so special was that it gave the robots sentience and emotions and that it also fits smoothly up one's rear end.

Back to the fight, Iron is rusted completely and dies. That's okay though because he can be rebooted later. It's also okay because I don't care about any of the Metal Men! They're a lot like Cyborg and Red Tornado and Robotman in that they usually wind up getting destroyed in the climactic battle. But their essence lives on in like a hard drive or tape cassette or something. So it doesn't really matter what happens to their bodies.

Platinum is killed and I sort of feel bad about that because I always liked the way she tried to fuck Superman in the old comic books I used to read on Saturday afternoons! And then Lithium dies as well. Now who's going to help lift everybody's spirits when the battle is over?!

After the military officer claims responsibility for this whole fiasco (it's always the military's fault! Just after the butler!), Gold declares that the Metal Men and the Other Metal Men must work together to stop Chemo. Hey! What a great idea! A team of heroes acting in concert and with a plan! I mean, the plan will probably be "Everybody rush Chemo at once!" which they did try earlier (although Lead stood by jerking off). But this is the end of the last issue! So it's different now! It'll work this time! Probably!

Aluminum dies almost immediately. Probably because everybody was pronouncing his name the American way and he was all, "But it's Al-loo-min-ium! It's All-loo-AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!" After Al, it's Gold's turn to die!

"--art, Lisa!"

Mercury dies immediately after Gold dies winning the bet that his last words would be a totally hilarious impersonation. I'm beginning to suspect that all of the Metal Men are going to die so that Mother Machine can pop in, take the Responsometer out of Chemo, and fuck off to wherever she's been hiding since she destroyed the Blackhawks.

Mother Machine isn't allowed to be the hero because Tin needs to be the hero. The most useless Metal Men of them all! Somehow none of the other metals were strong enough to pierce Chemo's outer shell. But Tin turns himself into a javelin and shoots straight through Chemo, removing the Responsometer as he passes through Chemo! Wow! I only thought tin was good for storing beans and wrapping up sandwiches for picnics before being replaced by aluminum!

Doc Magnus picks up Chemo's Responsometer and is about to do what he always does with Responsometers before he's interrupted.

Doc, you should probably wash Chemo off of that before you shove it up there.

Mother Machine is sucked into Chemo's Responsometer because that's how they work? Or something? Doc Magnus decides it's safe to just give the Mother Machine Responsometer to the military and head home. That should work out well! Once he's home, he revives his Metal Men the way he always does after they're slaughtered in the final battle. He's not able to save most of the Other Metal Men. He only manages to keep Copper which is probably a good thing since the Metal Men had way too many dicks in it already. That's the good news! The bad news is that he decided to change their looks. He calls an upgrade but I call it Yeeeeeuuuuccch!

Mostly I hate this new look. But I do like the addition of a huge red penis to Gold.

The Review!
Why the fuck does DC keep thinking characters need cosmetic updates? I suppose I agree with them when they accidentally change a look for the better. But what is this unholy design they've chosen for the Metal Men? Somebody get Ann Nocenti on the phone so she can learn the actual definition of Uncanny Valley now! No wait! Don't rouse her! Let her sleep the sleep of the ages in whatever cave she's slouched on back to! Didn't they change the look of the Metal Men in the early 90s? In that mini-series with the shiny metallic cover on the first issue! I just read it in the last couple of years and I remember nothing about it! Why do I even bother doing things with my life when I can't retain any memory of the events?! I should just sit in front of the television playing Overwatch!

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Sugar & Spike!

Sugar & Spike have the same amount of pages in this book as Firestorm. This cover is bullshit.

Everybody should be happy now that we're living in Trumpland! In Trumpland, nobody is ever allowed to make you feel stupid or else you'll get a fist in the face, buddy! Finally, the violent and dumb are perfectly normal citizens! And don't think you can get away with pretending you didn't know you were making somebody feel dumb! Don't you dare read a book that doesn't have "Choose Your Own Adventure" on the cover in public because that would make so many people feel stupid! And only use the same vocabulary that Trump uses. You know, short, easily learned words. The kinds of words they use as examples for parts of speech in Mad Libs. Some words that are okay to use in Trumpland: Sad! Unfair! The Best! Mad! Dog! Cat! Banana! You know what? I'd stay away from using "banana" because it just has too many syllables. You should also put "really" in front of words you want to emphasize instead of using the words that already exist that mean the easy word but to a greater degree. So don't say ecstatic! Say really, really, really happy! And don't say indefinable. Say really, really, really not a best word! And don't say female orgasm because no man in Trumpland has ever pleasured a woman in his life! Sure, a lot of them have pleasured themselves inside a woman. But the woman was probably making a grocery list in her head during it.

I'm going to love living in Trumpland! Nobody can argue with me ever again because facts don't exist! We all just get to believe what we want to believe and feel really fucking good about ourselves! Although I have a feeling a lot of people probably suspect that they're not as smart or right as they pretend to think they are. Losers!

Anyway, I wonder if Sugar & Spike would help supervillains or morally bankrupt space assassins from Czarnia with their past indiscretions? Because I'm pretty sure Lobo probably wouldn't mind Sugar & Spike locating and destroying the video of his wedding with Bueno Excellente.

Perhaps "indiscretion" isn't the right word for what happened here. I think there's a harsher, more repugnant word for it. And one that Lobo doesn't have to be ashamed of at all. What happened to him wasn't his fault! I mean, it kind of was his fault a little bit. Mostly because he became popular enough for Garth Ennis to want to humiliate him.

Sugar & Spike are now the proud owners of the Museum of Humiliating Comic Book Story Arcs. I suppose it's more accurate to say that they're oddities since that's what the comic book calls them. Also, they have displays like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and when did he ever humiliate anybody? I don't think Ambush Bug was ever embarrassed about having him as a sidekick. I have a Cheeks the Toy Wonder project for DC Comics that I'll never get around to writing because why would DC Comics ever want me to write anything for them? Especially unsolicited! Also I have no wish to write comic books. I'd probably write half of the first story and get bored with it. But I'm not going to say any more about it because I don't want some hack like Cullen Bunn stealing my idea!

While unpacking the new displays, Sugar and Spike and Lee Carver (the guy who founded the museum) are visited by Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy, and Lightning Lad. But not the dorks from the eighties or nineties or other decades that are more cool than the older decades. No, these are the original super duper dorks from whatever decade they were invented! I think. I wasn't born then so how would I know exactly when these particular versions of the characters are from?!

The three original Legionnaires want to hire Sugar and Spike for a job! I mean, of course that's what they want. That's the whole point of this comic book. If they had wanted to have sex with them, this review would just be full of orgy pictures and semen stains.

While the job is being discussed, more Legionnaires arrive! This time, it's Lightning Lad, Brainiac Five, and Supergirl! Is Supergirl a member of the Legion of Super-heroes? Probably a complimentary member, or whatever word I actually meant to use that's different than complimentary. Who can be bothered to know things? I'm living in a Post-Trump World! Unless it's just a Trump World. Does it matter? Nobody can correct me in Trumpland because facts don't matter! All opinions are equal! I'm going to get a job building rockets!

These new Legionnaires appear in a Time Bubble instead of a Time Closet. That means they're more moderner! This is going to turn into one of those crazy time travel situations, isn't it?! Sugar realizes things are about to get stupid too and decides she's had enough for the day.

Shower?! Now we're talking! Pants off!

As you might have been able to tell, if you're an astute reader (and who isn't in Trumpland?!), the reason I scanned the panel where Sugar says she's going to take a shower is because there are no panels of the actual shower. Would you like me to draw one for you?

Pretty good for using a touch pad and not being totally familiar with a naked female body! Right?

After her shower, Sugar discovers she's part of a time paradox. It's a good thing time paradoxes don't actually exist or she'd be in trouble! How do I know they don't exist? Well, have you ever encountered one?! See? That's also my proof of the non-existence of God! And fish tacos without cabbage in them.

I almost typed "And fish tacos without cabbage in" but I don't think it's acceptable to speak like a Britisher in Trumpland. You have to go to Farage Island for that! Never heard of Farage Island? Maybe you know it as Cuntsville?

Supergirl and Sugar rush off to STAR Labs to grab the whatzit that'll stop the time paradox from happening, even though it never really happened. Because it's not a thing! And this story proves it! Because all of these Legionnaires come from all sorts of futures to stop the time paradox which is stopped by Sugar's retrieval of the whatzit which means the time paradox never happened! Not that it would have happened anyway, time being what it is! Sugar could have just taken a much longer shower and everything would have resolved nicely because time paradoxes can't exist! That's why the word paradox is in there! I know this is Trumpland but sometimes you're going to have to use a fucking dictionary!

The Review!
I definitely wouldn't mind the occasional one-shot Sugar & Spike comic book after this. I'm not sure I'd want to read a monthly Giffen title because his dialogue is too confusing and I generally have to read his books two or three times before I ask somebody to help me figure it out. But I adore the concept of this series. It's also quite brave! Giffen is taking stories that are so obviously out of continuity that he'd be a fool to admit that they are continuity! Good thing he's such a fool then, right?

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metamorpho!

I wonder if Metamorpho ever stabs himself in the face while sleeping. Wait. Does Metamorpho sleep?

Typical political discourse:

"Bush is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

"Obama is terrible for all of these reasons."
"Here are facts as to why those reasons are wrong."

"Trump is terrible for all of these reasons!"
"Oh yeah? What about Clinton?!"

How a person doesn't realize they're on the losing side of every argument when their entire rebuttal is a deflection, I'll never know. I'll never know because I don't talk to those people if I can help it. Usually if I'm having a conversation with somebody and they say something stupid, I just wander off. I do occasionally answer their questions on Tumblr but only if I think I'm being witty. That means I always answer them because I always think I'm being witty, much to the chagrin of everybody who knows me.

I just used the word "occasionally" even though I can never spell it. You see, one time I read a way to remember how to spell necessary and I always wind up applying the method to occasionally! The secret to spelling necessary is that a shirt has one 'n'eck, one 'c'ollar, and two 's'leeves. At least that's how I remember the saying even if it sounds stupid now that I type it out. Anyway, occasionally has all of those letters too! So I always wind up spelling it ocassionally on the first attempt! Thank God for Spellcheck! And I mean that literally because you know whoever invented Spellcheck got the idea from God because God was all, "Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if you catch it, let it go. My 'mother' told me to pick the very best one and I pick you to be blessed!"

Last issue, things were happening in this story that I don't really remember. I reread my commentary to refresh my memory but that was nearly a week ago and I can't be bothered to reread it again! I think Java had just shot Metamorpho with one of those weapons that seem to be everywhere in the DC Universe. You know the kind! It's the kind that steals the power from the hero. Here's how the antagonists always seem to get their hands on one of them.

Writer: "Metamorpho sure has a lot of powers! How can anybody ever defeat him?!"
Editor: "I don't know. Can I have a bite of your salami sandwich?"
Writer: "Get out of here! I'm trying to work!"
Editor: "Brrrrt! Fry raid!"
Writer: "What the hell?! You said you didn't want anything when I went out! Get the fuck off of my lunch!"
Editor: "Whatever. You have that script idea yet?"
Writer: "I don't know! How about the bad guy just has a weapon that takes away Rex's powers?"
Editor: "Great! Perfect! Oh, hey, you're out of soda."
Writer: "FUCK!"

That dialogue was going to be completely different and then I made one of the characters an editor and thought, "Editors are jerks! I'd better make this realistic!"

This issue begins with Java defeating Neith and all of her warrior buddies while also disabling Metamorpho with his Lazy Writing Gun. I guess Cavemen are just naturally better fighters than people who have trained for battle their whole lives. I suppose I don't know that much about Java's life before he was thawed out. Maybe he was a champion Cave Fighter? That's like a cage fighter but with one letter changed to make it into a pun that needed to have an explanation or it would just look like I was calling him a guy who fights in caves like a caveman probably would!

I guess this is now Rex's natural form. Too bad. I thought without powers, he might revert to human and we'd get a glimpse of his penis.

Java says what all the idiots in the world couldn't say so they decided to destroy the world instead with their stupid power of democracy: "I'm tired of you looking down at me, thinking you're better than me!" If you've ever had that same thought, you're probably one of those idiots. When somebody expresses a truth and acts confident in that truth because science and evidence are behind them, they aren't even thinking about making you feel stupid. They're just living in reality. I can see how you might begin to feel put upon if your beliefs don't line up with reality. I can see how you might want to begin believing that facts are just opinions and have equal weight. I can see those things but they don't make you any less ignorant when you deny reality for your own desperate attempt to selfishly maintain your world of make-believe. Especially when that make believe world is full of hate. Here's a quick quiz to find out if you're a terrible person: are you angry at whole groups of people you don't know and do you think you're a good person? If you answered yes to both of those, you're the worst person. For transparency's sake, I answered yes to both questions. My whole groups of people I'm angry at are stupid people.

The best part about being vaguely rude and dismissive and insulting to people on the Internet is that I'm not specifically calling anybody out. But people will read this, self-identify with the terrible portrait I've painted with my words, get offended, and then type a rude message to me. I'll usually respond in some flippant way while thinking, "Thanks for identifying yourself, asshole!" But then I'll realize they sent the message anonymously. At that point I'll shake my fist impotently in the air and scream, "You win again, Internet!"

Sapphire arrives to tranquilize Java and say "Thanks but no thanks." Which I think is as bad as saying "Sorry not sorry" except that it really isn't somehow. People who say "sorry not sorry" should be euthanized. I totally stand by that statement no matter how much it makes me sound like Hitler! Besides, I'm pretty sure he popularized the phrase in response to you know what.

By tranquilizing Java, Sapphire has proven to Rex that she actually does want to help and that she isn't a pawn of Simon Stagg at all! Or maybe she was just a little bit but now she's smartened up and gotten with the program and drank the non-branded flavored sugar water drink! Rex decides to trust her, especially since she's the only other character still conscious and he needs somebody to have a conversation with while he saves the day, otherwise the rest of this issue will be super boring. At least up until Kanjar Ro attacks! He must have gotten away earlier for a reason, right?

I first read this as "Tranquilizers, fleshlights...I'm a regular Walmart" and thought, "Wow. Walmart has really changed!"

Rex and Sapphire flirt even worse than I flirt with people. Rex is all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" And Sapphrie is all, "I lost your diamond testicle!" And Rex is all, "I don't have any more of those!" After typing that, I've changed my mind. That's much better than the way I flirt with people. Usually I look them in the eye and say, "I have a few minutes for nonthreatening sexual contact that should distract you from the thought of death for a little while." I just realized I should have been a teenage goth! I probably would have gotten laid like crazy with that line!

Oh! I just want to talk about the whole "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" bit for a second! I know I've mentioned it before but who is reading this right now who also read whatever commentary I last discussed it in, right? Jesus isn't suggesting that somebody might exist who has never sinned. I mean, that seems obvious but you never know what some Christians might think based on all of the weird shit some of them believe. What he's suggesting is the exact opposite. He's suggesting that nobody exists who has never sinned. And that's the whole point! We are all sinners and we've all been given second (or more!) chances. We must always be given another chance to repent and become better people. Nobody should be condemned to death on one sin without any chance at redemption. It's pretty much what Gandalf said to Frodo (unless it was Bilbo!) when discussing Gollum's fate. That makes sense since Gandalf was basically the Jesus of The Lord of the Rings. What with his magic powers and his coming back from death and his being friends with giant eagles.

The flirting is a success! It's so good that Sapphire decides she'll kiss a mineral shaped like a human even though it currently can't make any kind of penis-like protrusion because Rex lost his powers. While they're kissing, Kanjar Ro kicks them in the faces! Now Rex will have to battle Kanjar Ro without his powers! Which, I guess, just evens up the fight because what the fuck can Kanjar Ro do? I mean aside from the pretty cool double kick to both of their faces as they were kissing. That alone could make him one of my favorite supervillains of all time! I mean, it could if not for how utterly boring and terrible he is in every other way.

Kanjar Ro's attack causes the Orb of Ra to crack and since Rex is currently getting his face smashed into the floor, Sapphire has to risk her life to save the day. She scoops it up and sticks it on a place that looks like maybe that's where it goes, I guess? When she does, there's a blast of energy that turns her into Unity. Unity is basically the Orb of Ra possessing Sapphire's body. So when it describes itself as "Unity", what it really means is a union of the Orb of Ra's mind with Sapphire's amazing butt. But it can still feel her feelings and it is, of course, perplexed by the emotion of love. Being an orb, I suppose it wouldn't have known what love was previously. I mean, as long as it had never met Doctor Magnus, that is.

Unity tells Rex that she can't have sex with him because it would kill him and Rex is all, "I'll take my chances!" But instead, she flies away because DC hates love, I guess.

The issue ends with the planet Dawhatever saved, Sapphire subsumed by some monstrous entity that doesn't give a shit about love, and Metamorpho discovering the passion of having a nemesis! Basically, this story puts Metamorpho's world back to where it was before New 52 destroyed it. Or maybe it resets it to pre-Crisis days? Zero Hour? Whatever. I suppose it's just a new version of the same old shit. I don't ever remember Sapphire being some creature called Unity but then I've never read every single Metamorpho comic in existence. So it might be new. Or it might be one of those things old-timers read and were all, "Yes! Unity! Never my favorite but I remember her! Or it! Or whatever! I wish I could have a bowel movement!"

The Review!
Was it good? I don't know! Some stars out of another arbitrary number of stars! Let he who is without sins cast the first review!

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

Wacky Raceland #5

This looks like the most boring race yet!

The Commentary!
• This is the first issue that begins with a "Part One" tag on the title. That must mean it's getting into the real meat of the story! The first four issues set up the world and background of a few characters but now it's time to find out what the races are all about. Oh, also this part of the story, "The Butcher Shop," is called "Revelations"! That means stuff will be revealed! Unless it's the Biblical version of the word and then it means everything is coming to an end! Maybe it means both. Although, how much more can end in the Wacky Raceland world?

• Gravel, one of the Slagg Brothers, poisons everybody with hallucinogenic mushrooms. Maybe poison is too strong a word. I've poisoned myself with hallucinogenic mushrooms on multiple occasions and it was always the best poisonings I've ever done to myself. The worst time I ever poisoned myself was walking barefoot on a roof that my grandfather was spraying with termite poison. That wasn't anywhere near as fun as poisoning myself with magic mushrooms!

• The Butcher Shop is where they do all the genetic manipulation of creatures and mankind. It's where the Ant Hill Mob were cloned, although I don't think they have the butcher's knife splicing DNA tattoos. At least not anywhere anybody can see them. Maybe they'll get naked while tripping on the shrooms and Dick will be all, "Hey! You guys have tramp stamps?!"

Is this Muttley sniggering for the first time?

Between that last caption and this sentence, I threw my back out. That was about 24 hours ago. I actually couldn't get up from the floor because it hurt too much to move in most directions. At one point, I was struggling to get out of my thick winter jacket because I was so hot and just laughing uproariously at my predicament. I also pledged to never again laugh at old people in commercials who say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" It is extremely frustrating, lying there with your face in the carpet and thinking, "Why the fuck don't I ever vacuum this shit?"

• I'm skipping work for the rest of this week in the hopes that my back will be ready to go again next week. This isn't a fancy fun holiday freebie piece of time off since I own my own business and nobody fucking pays me for time missed. Stupid self-employment is stupid.

• I've also learned that my upper body strength is far worse than I thought it was. And I didn't really think much of it before! My legs are still pretty muscular from biking but they don't help much when you can't get them under you! Stupid legs are stupid.

• Back to the comic book, Muttley has a memory of The Butcher Shop as well. He was given some genetic enhancement that might prove that the Wacky Raceland is Earth many years after the Scooby Apocalypse. It's probably the same universe as The Flintstones too! But not Future Quest. I'm bored of Future Quest. I'm not reading that book anymore. Unless Blue Falcon and Dynomutt eventually show up! But I'm hoping they'll appear in this comic book or Scooby Apocalypse.

• The Ant Hill Mob were created in the Cloning Vats. Muttley was created in the Darwin Pits. And the Slagg Brothers were brought back to life in the Resurrection Room. So apparently they really are cavemen from the past! They might even show up in an issue of The Flintstones! I hope!

• The last time I did acid (as opposed to mushrooms which I've done since this last acid trip), I was telling my cousin about the episode of In Search Of where they investigate a tribe in Africa who drew paintings on the walls of aliens and a star map that seemed to suggest the aliens were from Sirius B. When we got back from the beach party that night and beginning to come down, that episode of In Search Of was on TBS or USA or one of those stations that loved to show old series. This was sometime in the mid-90s. After that, I fell asleep while watching All the President's Men and wound up in a fucked up dream of layers upon layers of secrets and conspiracies which just kept getting deeper and more convoluted. That dream was a lot of work. I woke up exhausted!

• The Racers wake up from their trip having remembered that their minds had been wiped. But now that they recall their time in the Butcher Shop, Muttley is ready to lead them all back there. Of course the Announcer has other plans.

• The Racers face typical obstacles on their way to the Butcher's Shop: Sandtipedes, Nanite Storms, Back Pain. But once they get there, Professor Pat Pending voices some emergency protocol codes and the Announcer begins doing as the Professor says. The doors open and the announcer welcomes Pat Pending back to the Butcher Shop. That's when everybody remembers that it was Pat Pending who experimented on them.

• The issue ends with everybody angry at Pat Pending. But they should cut him some slack! All this time, he had control over the Narrator and he didn't use it to his own advantage! He was still racing fair and square! Although I'm sure his knowledge of what's going on only extends to The Butcher Shop. He probably had his mind wiped too by whoever is behind the races. Although he could still be the brains behind it! He could be the one testing them and making sure they're ready to battle the aliens who have destroyed this world! Unless the person really behind it all is Super Slutty Velma. That's the same Velma you're reading about in Scooby Apocalypse but with less clothing and more dicks in her hands.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm still having issues with the art and the weird jumps in the action from panel to panel which make it all a bit hard to follow. But I'm thoroughly enjoying the world building of a post apocalyptic Wacky Races World. Everything is slowly being explained and it's all coming together and it's all making sense in that way that stories don't usually make sense when they're answering questions about the overarching plot. Maybe that's because the series has been set to answer questions from the start and didn't spend three years asking questions before it started answering! I'm looking at you, The X-Files!

I should probably go rest my back now! Stupid office chairs are stupid!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #3

Killer Croc stars in Battle Royale: Crete!

The El Diablo Review!
At one point in the story, quite early on, El Diablo says, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." At that moment, I lowered my head and thought, "I can't do this anymore. I just...I can't read boring writers who quote things everybody has heard because it's used every fucking where fucking else. Also fucking." I would be embarrassed to hand in a script which contained a line I've heard countless times in other sources. I would be all, "To write, or not to write! That is the question! Whether tis nobler to something something or whatever." Right off the tip of my tongue, that! I would totally finish the line if I could be bothered to expend my talents on this review of a story that already proved itself to be mediocre bullshit on page nine. Oh man. I was already on page nine?! It felt like I was only on the second page when this sense of futility crashed down upon me! Anyway, I should probably finish reading this. After all, I did pay $3.74 for it (after discount!).

Oh, after El Diablo farts that garbage from his mouth, he and Azucar make out. Whew! I was worried Jai Nitz wasn't going to weld an improbable love story onto this mess. I've had it with love stories! Now, so far they've just kissed, so it's entirely possible this will just be a stray path into Fistington and that'll be that. But we all know that any stupid comic book aimed at teens always gets it wrong and puts love ahead of sex. Love isn't a real thing! Love is just the feeling in your stomach that's like when the roller coaster crests that first hill and begins plummeting down the steepest descent! Except the feeling isn't caused by gravity; it's caused by the fearful realization that a person who doesn't totally seem to be disgusted by you will get to know the real you and flee as fast they can, just like every other person you've gotten close to. But that feeling also makes the orgasms better. The best you can hope for is that they'll become too lazy and unmotivated to ever leave your boring ass. It's not as if you aren't thinking the same thing about them! Relationships are always weighing whether or not it's time to quit before the other person fires you.

This is the most romantic dialogue I've read in years!

El Diablo runs into Catwoman choking Cluemaster in his office. So I guess they're fucking too? It's hard to tell what's sex and what's conflict and what's plans for the future because everybody is acting so weird! El Diablo and Azucar just began kissing while swapping origin stories. I certainly didn't expect them to get naked during that. So when El Diablo walks in on Catwoman dressed in leather with her whip around Cluemaster's neck and a laptop under her arm, you can understand how I might think they're fucking. It's far more sexy than telling somebody how they got their job with Checkmate. That didn't make me want to fuck Azucar at all!

Some woman who escaped the Suicide Squad breaks up the fight (oh yeah! There was a fight between Catwoman and El Diablo!) and forced Catwoman to give the laptop to El Diablo. She doesn't reveal who she is. If she's been seen before, my brain has decided it wasn't worth keeping the information. She does use some kind of Darkseid gun though!

Later, while doing the thing that El Diablo is doing...you know, whatever the main plot is...he and Azucar run into Sin Tzu. He's all, "You are here for the plot?" And they're all, "Yeah, yeah! The plot! The Beowulf Project, I guess?" And Sin Tzu is all, "Oh yeah! That! Meet the experiments!" Then he introduces them to a bunch of zombies created by mixing Lazarus Juice with Joker Poison and Bane Drug and Scarecrow Gas and Man-Bat Semen. Gross! Oh wait! It's Man-Bat Serum!

Anyway, that's probably the end for El Diablo and Azucar. No way they can battle a bunch of super zombies in the Ace Chemical plant where El Diablo can't use his powers without destroying Gotham completely! I mean, probably!

The Ranking!
-1! This ranking is because I simply don't care about this comic book. Although I wouldn't mind if more comic books had characters undressing and making out in the middle of any conversation. That sex scene was really weird! As if Jai Nitz rewrote the scene but only after Cliff Richards had finished the art for the original scene where they get all fucky with each other. At least it wasn't a Batman and Alfred scene. That would have been weird. Not because they're both guys! It's just that Alfred is like his father! And he's old!

The Killer Croc Review!
What more can be said about Killer Croc that hasn't already been said beautifully in the pages of The New 52 Batwoman? Oh wait! A lot since that entire history of Killer Croc was thrown in the garbage can, right next to my pride which I haven't seen since the first time I had sex. It was not a good experience. I mean, I orgasmed, so that was great! But I did it quickly and all over my partner's face. Surprise! That thing was waiting years to go off at somebody else's hands!

What I'm trying to say is I have no idea where DC Comics stands with Killer Croc right now. Is he a savage animal killing indiscriminately to survive under the streets of Gotham? Is he a monster, lost and alone in an uncaring world? Is he a guy just trying to take care of himself and the other undesirables living in the sewers of Gotham? I'm just trying to figure out how much I should sympathize with him in this story.

Waylon Jones basically asks the same question at the start of this story: "Am I a monster or a man?" This is where I'd normally think about ending it all so I don't have to read yet one more comic book with the whole "What am I?!" theme. But this time, Waylon finishes the thought with "Depends on the day I'm having," and I'm won over. At least for the next eighteen pages! I can give it that much for letting me know, right off the bat, that Waylon isn't really worrying his scaly big head about the answer to that question. He's both, and he acts as one or the other according to his situation. I can appreciate that.

I used to daydream about the end of the world as a kid. Not about the event that ended it. But living in it. Just me. A lone survivor with nothing but time and lots of empty houses to explore.

Waller sends Croc to an island full of monsters being used as weapons to destroy nearby cities, and eventually cities not so nearby, and then cities even further away than that. But Croc is supposed to destroy the monsters and the lab that's creating them. Instead, Waylon befriends the monsters and leads his army of misfits down into the island where the evil corporation's secret lab lies. But once he's underground, he's out of radio contact with Amanda. Which also means she can't detonate the bomb in his neck. He's finally free of Waller's orders. He's free to do whatever he wants. He'll probably shoot up some of the secret serum and become Super Killer Croc. At least for a few pages before he collapses from exhaustion and winds up back in Belle Reve, ready for another suicide mission.

The Ranking!
+1! This story was interesting enough! It might not have super duper wowed me but it has a point. And I always appreciate a story that has a viewpoint, or really works through a theme. This story is all about how animals can't be monsters; man is the real monster! Okay, so that's not the most original theme. But it's nice to see Killer Croc acknowledge that the side of him that makes him a violent murderer is the side of him that has nothing to do with his disfigurement. That's all just homegrown humanity coming out of him!