The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he represents...um...Judaism?

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."

Bloodlines #4

His superhero name should be Pinhead.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Faith, the six year old girl with the twenty-seven year old head, pretending she's in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't matter which episode. You'd know it if you were familiar with three episodes of the show. Unless none of those episodes starred Billy Mumy. Except instead of threatening people with the cornfield, she's just tearing out their hearts and feeding them to her pet demon. I don't quite remember what Anima's power was in the old Bloodlines but maybe it was something like this? Is the new Anima evil? I'd be evil too if I were six years old but the bus driver kept making me pay adult prices to ride because of my face.

While Faith feeds her monster ice cream and internal organs, Black and Haley are lucky to be alive after having sex with each other. He turns things he touches into explosives and blades shoot out of every part of her body. My guess is, since they're still both alive, neither of them had an orgasm. While Blake tries to figure out how to get his dick in Haley's butt, Duncan the Urban Hunter arrives to kill him for being a freak. Earlier in his pathetic life, he killed his wife and child because they developed Bloodlines super powers. Now he's doubling down on that mistake and killing anybody with powers. If he didn't kill everybody he encountered who had Bloodlines powers, he might have to admit that maybe he shot his wife and kid too soon. And by too soon, I mean as soon as he saw his wife had disgusting wings and his son's fingers looked like flaccid penises and just after he said, "Aw hells no."

Haley's mattress is so crusty from dried semen and vaginal excretions that it's become bulletproof.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a copy of Gunfire #0 at an old junk shop. I didn't fucking buy it. I'm regretting it so hard! But I'll go back. They had a ton of old comic books and board games and toys at really great prices. It was like a Goodwill with actual interesting crap instead of just pure crap.

Blake turns everything he can grab in Haley's room into explosives and Haley is all, "Dude! That's my lamp! And bed! And ottoman! And vibrator! And butt plug! And Ben Wa balls!" Tired of seeing all of her good times destroyed, Haley Wolverines out and attacks Duncan the Urban Hunter. Not only can she grow blades out of her skin, she can also deflect bullets with her blades. Unless she just got lucky. You know what? I'm going to assume she got lucky because I'm already suspending as much disbelief as I can, and most of that is because of Haley's body. Nobody looks that sexy!

Instead of killing Duncan like Haley could have been excused for doing since he broke into her house and began shooting at her and her unsatisfying lover, she and Blake begin asking him questions. Duncan explains that his wife and son had actually died due to the parasite that bit them and that's why he had to kill them. Although if that's true, why did he kill that Bloodlines guy at the convenience store and then leave the corpse to come back from the dead like it did? I don't think he actually knows that that is what happens! I think he's making it up as an excuse for why he killed his wife and son, and he just happens to be right!

Back at school, Dana is all, "Hey Eddie. You know how you turned into that huge freak at the hospital? What's going on with your penis when that happens?" She doesn't actually say that but I'm sure that's what she's thinking since she's still hanging out with him and Albert. She's just waiting for another shot to see his pants split and when something goes down at the football game, she gets her shot!

She must have got a glimpse of his cock!

I'm always disturbed by characters who destroy their clothing when they transform. What a pain in the ass. How many pairs of shoes must Eddie own? And how baggy are his pants that they survive the transformation? Remember when Fire used to burn off her clothes when she transformed? That disturbed me because it meant she was too fucking dangerous to transform in most places. How come she didn't just set everything on fire constantly?

The football players are being attacked by a huge creature composed of lots of dead bodies. Eddie, Albert, and Dana need to figure out a way to meet up with the other Bloodlines characters and they have a plan! They decide to be a part of this scene where Haley, Blake, and Duncan all arrive at the football game for some reason. Maybe their plan was to meet Eddie, Albert, and Dana! Good thinking, everybody!

Duncan the Urban Hunter seems to know everything that needs to be known. After Dana blasts the dead guy with her Storm impression, Duncan does an autopsy on the creature and extracts the Bloodlines parasite. He kills it and then looks up to see who's next. Maybe not next for an autopsy but a little surgery is probably going to be necessary. Then without the parasites in them, they can just continue to live with safely with their powers.

But nobody thinks of that yet! Instead they just stand around the football field like they don't realize they're supposed to come up with a name for their super hero team now!

Meanwhile in a church somewhere, some bald motherfucker gets Preacher powers.

The Review!
J.T. Krul has a problem with beginning stories at the beginning. He always says more than he needs to say. I think he spent about six issues of Captain Atom before getting to the point where he should have begun the story. And this comic book probably could have started with this issue! And I don't mean beginning with the fight and then immediately flashing back to where he began the comic book with Issue #1. I fucking hate when comic books do that. If you want to start the story somewhere in the middle, don't fucking chicken out and immediately go back in time to tell the story in a linear fashion from the beginning. If you're going to begin there, fucking begin there and skip the whole "Five Days From Now!" bit that you think will draw people into the story. You know what draws people into the story? Telling a good story and not relying on tricks and tropes and narrative clichés! We're now four issues into this book and it's been mostly just people trying to figure out what's going on. That sucks because the reader knew what was going on immediately. If the reader knows the story already, the reader does not look forward to being told all the shit the reader already knows. Just fucking get on with it already!

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!

New Suicide Squad #22

Adult Harley Quinn just smashed Baby Harley Quinn into jelly with Super Powers™ Joker's mallet.

The Review!
Remember how I told myself I can just believe that the previous issue was the final issue until Rebirth? I probably should have taken myself seriously. This issue added nothing to my knowledge of Harley Quinn. Although it did add one more piece of evidence to my theory that every character in the DC Universe has severe Daddy Issues. If you're a Harley fan, you probably already wrote this comic book in a piece of fanfiction and you probably did it better. And if not, at least you didn't charge anybody money for it.

The Commentary!
This month, we get a look inside of Harley Quinn's head. Most of you can just ignore it because it probably won't be how you think it should be inside Harley Quinn's head. And before you think I'm criticizing you, you should know that I don't think Sean Ryan has any better insight into Harley Quinn than any of the people writing Harley fanfic do. Which makes sense since about 99% of all comic books are fanfic anyway. Except they're fanfic with limitations! I mean, for some stupid reason, you're never going to get a scene where Batman's dick accidentally flops out of his costume and Superman can't stop himself from sucking Bruce off. Why do you think that is? We all know it's happened once or twice. Batman probably even has a special "Batfly Failure Batsuit" that he wears when he knows Superman is alone on Watchtower duty. And if people don't want Clark's belly full of Batsemen as canon, they can just ignore it like they ignore every other bit of canon that they disagree with. Or they can go on the internet and perform a textual representation of their head exploding across several comic book website forums.

Harley's psychiatrist (psychologist? I admit it. I don't know the difference! I think one of them is on drugs when doing therapy and the other one takes sexual advantage of you under hypnosis) makes sure her face is hidden from view so that the reader will be surprised by who she is at the end of the comic book. Probably Harley since she loves to do therapy on herself. Although maybe it's just a visual representation of how the therapist may be present in the therapy but actively tries to remain detached from it too. Kind of like how I read comic books but actively stay detached from the characters. Except for Vampire Tig. I still have sex dreams about her.

Mmm, this is some good therapy!

Apparently Harley Quinn hasn't been crazy enough lately and it's driving her crazy. Plus her character needs to be fine-tuned to match whatever her personality will be like in the movie or else people coming to the comic book from the movie will be all, "This isn't the real Harley Quinn?! What did they do to the real Harley Quinn!? And she hardly looks like Margot Robbie at all!"

Harley Quinn ignores her Mind-Batman and decides to go into the part of her brain that is fun and not Victorian. Batman is all, "You'll be sorry! They wear their skirts above the ankles in there!" And Harley is all, "That's cool! I almost wear my shorts above my vagina!"

Once inside the wacky part of her brain, Harley has an orgasm.

She's coming so hard that she forgets how to spell orgasm.

Linguistically, I don't think there's any real difference between "Carnal-vale" and "Carnival". It's just less subtle! My favorite ride at Harley's Carnal-vale is the Sodomy-Go-Round! That's a less subtle but also linguistically similar way of saying Merry-Go-Round. Or Mary-Gets-Around, amirite?!

Harley decides to ride the Deathtrap first. It's a good thing Deadpool can't see inside Harley's mind or he might be a little bit jealous that Harley is fantasizing about riding Deathtrap. Unless that's not what Sean Ryan meant by this scene at all and it's just an unfortunate turn of events that Deathtrap was a character in the previous issue. Because the ride actually turns purple, green, and white. And we all know what that means! Usually I would have a joke answer other than "The Joker" but I couldn't think of one.

Where's my cigar and thick eyebrows! I actually have a joke for this one!

How many people reading the previous caption thought I mean to do something dirty with the cigar because they don't know anything about Groucho Marx? It's hard to tell anymore what anybody of any generation will know because the Internet has made the popular culture of every decade accessible. It might be time to rethink my aversion to dating people in their twenties! They just might get all of my references now!

Harley's day at the amusement park (cleverly called an "abusement" park in her head!) turns disastrous when she finds herself covered in human teeth. Gross. I thought this comic book was going to be sexy but now I can't stop my head from imagining I'm smelling the smell of rotten teeth. Is there any worse smell in the world?! Maybe a durian shoved into an unwashed sumo wrestlers bunghole. But I've never smelled that so I can't imagine it.

Harley escapes the teeth and finds herself as a fifteen year old being lectured by her mother. It's 2004 which means I can do math! I mean, it means Harley is 27! That must be the age DC Comics finds it acceptable for female characters to feel free enough in their sexuality to fuck plants.

Harley asks her mother when her dad is coming home so I just figured out the root of all of Harley Quinn's problems: Daddy Issues! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I really wish somebody would take my virginity already!" But enough about you! I probably should have guessed that Harley had Daddy Issues because everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues. Also there's that whole abusive relationship with The Joker thing.

Me too! Just once, can't somebody have a Mommy Issue? Get me some representation up here in this bitch! I mean mother!

Harley has some more memories about how her Daddy wasn't there for her and he was always having fun and how he totally shaped the world which she grew into! And then there's a disturbing advert for the Suicide Squad movie!

What is with the electric taped X pasties and the vagina graffiti?

The big surprise twist ending is that Harle Quinn was talking to Dr. Harleen Quinzel about her dead father. I think. Or something. I mean, obviously Harley Quinn has never gotten over her daddy issues or she wouldn't have fucked Deadshot in Issue #3 (First New 52 Edition) while calling her vagina a clown car. That's total Daddy Issue talk! And now she's busy going crazy trying not to think about her father or how The Joker was her father or how Amanda Waller is now her father. The issue ends with nothing being resolved and nothing really being explored and nothing nothing with more nothing. But it had Harley Quinn in it! So that's a big plus to DC's pocketbook!

New Suicide Squad #21

Deadshot fisting Harley isn't the most disturbing thing about this cover. The fact that El Diablo just finished is. HashtagHarleyHadJalapeñoPizzaWithLinguiçaLastNight

The Review!
I'm sad that Tim Seeley wasn't given the Suicide Squad in Rebirth. Rob Williams might do the Squad justice but I already know that Tim Seeley definitely can do them justice! He even convinced me that Harley Quinn can be a proper member of the team as opposed to just being a reason for people to buy the comic book! I suppose Ostrander had Punch and Jewelee on the team and it could be argued that that isn't a whole lot different than having Harley Quinn. Although Harley Quinn will never be killed and Punch and Jewelee were the definition of members who could die any issue. I'm also glad Tim Seeley finally pulled the trigger on El Diablo. I've been waiting for him to die for years! Not that his death isn't as ambiguous as every other comic book character death. He'll be back! At the very least, I'm glad to have had these months with Seeley's Squad. They finally felt like the Squad I know and love. Sean Ryan (who it looks like is doing the next issue) had some moments as well. But I think Seeley came even closer with his style and humor. Please don't fuck up the Suicide Squad for five years again, DC Comics!

The Commentary!
At the end of last issue, Deadshot was shot in the face by GunGuns. Or Gunfire. Or DeathPistol. Or was it BulletLadenEjaculate? I don't suppose it matters what his name was because he probably didn't actually have time to pull the trigger before Captain Boomerang blew his hand off with a Boomagrenade. That actually sounds pretty dangerous. Who would cross a boomerang with a grenade?! I guess a suicidal aborigine?

Oh. That's where Captain Boomerang got off to. I should have known better than to expect him to save the day. Deadshot better have worn the heavy face armor today.

Elsewhere in Fleischhaus, Cheetah and Rose Tattoo continue their battle to the death (probably El Diablo's death) while Harley Quinn and El Diablo (soon to be El Muerto) hide around the corner. El Diablo is all, "I accidentally killed a woman and her child with fire!" And Harley is all, "I'm wearing hot pants!" Neither of these interactions is explaining how Deadshot survived being shot in the face! I guess I should turn the page!

On the next page, I remember that the guy who makes guns out whatever is lying around is named Deathtrap. No wonder I couldn't remember it! It's so incredibly stupid! For some reason, he thinks he's the man who killed Deadshot even though Deadshot is lying on the ground and none of the church pews around them have been decorated with Floyd's blood or brains. Adam, the guy vying for the position of Shepherd of the Fist of Cain, stabs Deathtrap in the throat so that Deathtrap can die thinking he's killed Deadshot. That's sweet! I hope somebody does that for me the next time I'm out disc golfing and my disc disappears around the trees and I hear the chink of the chains on the basket and I believe I've gotten a hole in one! I mean, if I didn't actually get one, that is! If I really got one, I want to know for sure and not be dead afterward. But if I just thought I got one, I wouldn't mind dying immediately! Or maybe right after having celebratory sex with whoever is standing around and willing to have unsatisfying sex in nature with the possibility of stumbling into blackberry bushes.

I guess Adam can now become the Shepherd of the Fist of Cain even though none of the Suicide Squad have been killed. Oh, sure, Hunky Punk died. But he wasn't technically part of the Squad. In fact, all the people who died so far in this story were potential members of a Suicide Squad UK that I think I would have fucking loved. What a waste!

Adam prepares his Shepherd acceptance speech and it sounds like it was cribbed from Fight Club. "You never know how to live until you're about to die!" Was that the message of that movie? Or was it something about material goods making people way more happy than punching yourself in the face and being addicted to recovery meetings?

While Adam talks about killing Amanda Waller instead of just doing it (always a bad choice!), El Diablo has a stupid revelation. He believes that Rose Tattoo came for him, so he's going to challenge her while Cheetah and Harley make a run for it. Poor, stupid El Diablo. Never play the hero when you're the most disposable member of the Suicide Squad!

If Voltaic can come back from the dead with Resurrection Man Semen, Yo-Yo can come from being eaten by King Shark, and Reverse-Flash will eventually come back from traveling through time, I suppose it's only fair to leave El Diablo the possibility of coming back from Hell because he prays hard.

It turns out Deadshot was shot in the head with a flower and Deathtrap can regenerate. I think Deadshot might be the only character with "dead" or "death" in their name who doesn't have any super healing powers. Although he got some of that Resurrection Man Semen one time too! Deadshot and Deathtrap save Waller and become big heroes and probably Power Shower buddies.

Ha! Apparently Harley agrees with me! Extreme Washing, here we come! Literally!

Harley chooses the OTP name of "Trapshot" which is terrible. It would obviously be "Deaddeath".

Also, Deathtrap may not regenerate. He just may take a long time to bleed out. However he's still alive, he doesn't accept the ride home when Captain Boomerang arrives to save the day and oversee the evacuation. Instead, he decides to stay behind and turn Fleischhaus into a giant gun. I guess the remaining members of The Fist of Cain will be the bullets?

Deadshot also tries to stay behind so he can die in the arms of his new lover but Captain Boomerang rescues him against his will. That's so gross! Non-consensual life-saving. Ugh.

Back at Belle Reve, everything ends happily ever after as Floyd shits while making up love letters for Harley. That's about as good an ending as Ostrander ever came up with! Can I just pretend this is the last issue of New Suicide Squad until the Rebirth Squad? Why, yes, I can, me! Thanks!

Robin, Son of Batman #13

The Review!
Ray Fawkes finally convinces me that he's capable of writing Damian well. He may have done it an issue or two but I'm only now publicly acknowledging the fact. He had a lot of help from my crush on Maya. Without that, I might not have cared enough to finish reading this series. That's a lie. I would have finished reading this series whether I cared about it or not. Having horribly inappropriate feelings for an underaged fictional character just helped! The important word in that last sentence was "fictional". Now I'm wondering if Nabokov wrote Lolita so he could look at every man who ever read it and think, "You probably got aroused reading that, didn't you? You pervert!" It is a pretty awesome accomplishment to write something that should so horribly offend the social and cultural norms of the reader but still allows them to get all hot and heavy about the sexy bits. They're just as disgusting as the protagonist of the novel! Whose name I can't remember because his name wasn't used as the title! I would also like to say that I totally didn't find any bits of Lolita sexy. Maybe my penis did. But my mind was all, "Ew! Who would want a relationship with a young girl?! I can't even imagine having a relationship with somebody in their twenties at this point in my life! And I'm not even sure I could deal with somebody in their thirties! To me, they're all just unwashed twelve-year olds playing Dungeons and Dragons around their parents' kitchen table! No matter how hot they might look!" Also, A+ or 8 out of 10 or 77% or whatever rating you want to choose for this issue. What do you care if I liked it?! Formulate your own opinions!

The Commentary!
Damian has decided that to truly atone for his wickedness and bad behavior, he's going to rehabilitate Naimad! Err, Suren! Suren is currently the physical manifestation of Damian's bad attitude. Maya probably totally thinks he's hot. Except she's way older than him, by like two years or something. That might not seem like a lot but it's vast when you're eleven and thirteen. Or ten and twelve. Or thirteen and fifteen (although maybe not so much there). I really don't know how old any of these kids are!

Maya is super cute so if I write anything disgusting involving her and my seedy desires, just remember that it isn't my old, perverse man desires talking! It's the naive, innocent longing that still lives in my head which allows me to remember being that age! Boy, the things I would do to Maya if I were her age again! I'd sit and stare at her creepily! I'd avoid eye contact! I'd develop several different spontaneous speech impediments if I were somehow forced into a situation where we had to speak! I'd write down the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" on a sheet of paper and think about giving it to her! After I was through with Maya, she'd never even know I existed!

Oh Maya! You're so dreamy!

Sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to know if I wanted to be with a girl (in an innocent, I have no idea what to do around a girl but my heart is dying kind of way) or if I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power to allure boys like me! For some reason, I associated that power to capture hearts as only one that girls had. But I'm sure there were just as many girls my age (probably more!) wishing they could also be the cute girl I was pining for. So it wasn't so much being a girl as being a cute girl! And that thought just made my mind think of doing a parody Robert Frost poem that I probably shouldn't type but will anyway.

Bitches By Grunion Frost

When I see hot bitches bend to left and right,
Across the lines of taller, uglier girls,
I like to think some boy's been doing it to them.
But doing it to them doesn't bend them down to stay
As text-books do. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with books a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They clique upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stares watch the wind lift their hemlines.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed fuzzy sweaters
Plopping and tumbling on the snowy bench--
Such heaps of frilly warmth abandoned
You'd think a passing Gap truck lost its merch.
They are dragged from class to class by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bored
So bad for so long, they never write themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the mall
Years afterwards, trailing their jackets on the ground
Like birches bent over by ice from an ice-storm, their limbs
Before them on the ground, leaves darkening in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the text-books
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to "fetch the cows"--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only porn was porn he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could jerk alone.
One by one he subdued his school's 'B's
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not propositioning too soon
And so not driving the girl away
Clear to her home. He always kept his poise
With the hot bitches, escalating carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he swung forward, lips first, with a swish,
Groping his way down through the clothes to the mound.
So was I once myself a doer of bitches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a loveless bang
Where your face burns and tickles with MDMA
Racing across it, and one eye is weeping (if you get my meaning)
From a "twig's" having jacked it off across the room.
I'd like to get away from maleness awhile
And then come back to it after being a hot bitch.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
To return me an ugly girl. Hot bitches are right for love:
I don't know who it's like to go better with.
I'd like to go by climbing a bitch
And climb black limbs up a chocolate trunk
Toward heaven, till the girl could bear no more,
But doffed her top and got me off again.
That would be good both going and coming and coming and coming.
One could do worse than be a doer of bitches.

Just remember as you judge me that that was a playful parody of a poem I love very much! It never even occurred to me to turn "Birches" into "Bitches" or how it might be manipulated to, um, sort of work. Kind of. Not really but remember, it was playful! The only reason it sprang to mind was the line about some fate half granting the wish to leave and come back to Earth when I said I sometimes fantasized about being a girl but, of course, realized what I wanted was to be an adorable girl. I mean, who doesn't?! Anyway, you either forgive me for that playful bent or you don't. Either way, let's get back to Robin, Son of Batman!

While eating dessert, the kids are attacked by some Lu'un Darga Ninjas. They're a little bit angry that Suren fucked up the world ending ritual because they had already told all of the people they owe money to fuck off. Now imagine how embarrassed they are to have to deal with those people again, seeing as how the world didn't end! I'd be mad too.

The Ninjas drop down dead, killed by some energy draining power from one of Suren's still living relatives. He or she probably should have coordinated the attack with the ninjas so that the ninjas weren't accidentally killed. Maya is able to trace the energy drain to beneath the crater in Tunguska, Russia.

Even in the face of unspeakable evil, they're adorable!

Deep under Tunguska, Damian, Maya, Goliath, and Suren encounter Suren's father, Den Darga! That probably means this story is almost over! Suren is about to come to term with his Daddy Issues! That's always the ultimate story in any DC character's character arc. I think Marvel must deal with the Mommy Issues. Is that why DC begins with a "D" and Marvel begins with an "M"? Did I just crack the comic book equivalent of the Da Vinci Code?!

Den Darga is surprised to see his son alive while the world yet lives. But I'm glad they had this encounter so I can point out another great moment in Grandmaster Comic Book Readerdom!

As I said in the commentary on Issue #12: "His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn’t love him now, the little failure!"

Robin's great big plan to stop Den Darga is one of his dad's favorite plans: play the martyr! That always gets the girl! So Damian destroys Den Darga's Apocalyptic Battery of Souls but, in so doing, collapses from the strain. He's probably dead, right? Totally dead. It's not like Gotham and Gotham Girl could be bothered to save a fricking Robin.

Damian is only mostly dead and his spirit is able to reenter his body through the encouragement of his friends and the obliteration of Daddy Issues. I would scan the page where Robin cries (not letting his friends see his joy in being loved so well) but there's a really cute picture of Maya's butt on that page and I fear I might get creepy talking about it. I think it's okay to talk about it in this paragraph where you can't actually look at it. Also she's a fictional character and I'm going to believe she's thirty-eight years old. And you know what they say about thirty-eight year olds and their butts! Yeah, you know what. I don't either. I think maybe nobody says anything about that.

So, you know, that's it! The end! The kids win! Suren has defeated his father just like every child must if they're going to become an adult. I think that's why I'm still not much of an adult. I should probably get on solving all of those Daddy Issues and/or destroying my father.

I wanted to end with this picture saying, "So cute!" But the cynical, disgusting part of my brain keeps screaming, "Suren has a boner!"

Action Comics #959

This is Lex trying to be a good guy?

The Review!
I guess Dan Jurgens wasn't happy with the Death of Superman story he wrote twenty-five years ago. It's time to tell it differently. Probably with a surprise ending where Superman lives! I hope it ends soon though because the only interesting thing about Doomsday is that he once killed Superman. And--let's face it--he's not going to do it again. So what we have here is a story with no tension about a villain with no personality on a rampage with no motivation. I don't think it ticks off any boxes in the "Things That Make A Story" list of boxes to tick! Although it does leave the reader wondering, "Who is Clark Kent? What a surprise mystery! My bowels are on fire! This story is so exciting! No, wait! That's the burrito I ate doing that! So many jalapeños!" I wonder how many times during the story Dan Jurgens asked his editor, "Can we make the enemy Soviet Russia?" Only the people you know that Dan Jurgens is a robot built in 1986 whose memory has never been upgraded will understand that joke. And maybe even some of those people won't understand it!

The Commentary!
I tend to avoid saying or writing things in a straightforward manner which usually just confuses earnest and probably boring people. It also confuses the Actually Nerds because they can't wait to fucking find fault with something somebody said! And a lot of times, it seems like I might have put forward an erroneous piece of information! I probably didn't but don't try to convince an Actually Nerd that you weren't wrong! Although if you consistently write in a confusing enough manner, you can get away with saying all kinds of horrible things! Because when somebody accuses you of being pro-domestic violence (which seems a really fucking strange thing to believe somebody would believe! I mean, they might commit domestic violence or make jokes about it but you'll rarely find somebody bearing its standard! I mean, unless they're religious in a really fundamental way!), you can tell them that they read the offending piece wrong and that maybe they should try reading it again but with the understanding that I am not pro-domestic violence. That usually clears things up. Or, at the very least, it makes the person go away. And I don't feel the need to come out on top of every debate I have! I just want it to end quickly so I can go back to not being bothered by people.

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane remembering when Preboot Doomsday attacked Preboot Superman.

Let's be honest here: at the time, the Justice League were amateur hour.

In the previous caption, I didn't know whether to say "the Justice League were amateur hour" or "the Justice League was amateur hour." But since Lois settled on were even though she may have only used that in reference to they (which was referencing the Justice League, so...), I decided to follow suit. She is the greatest journalist ever for some reason! I think in her comic book, Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend, she used to write cute little articles that got some attention. You know, for a girl.

Oh! That was one of those horrible things I pretend I can get away with writing! Because while most people will read it and call me an asshole and never read anything I've written ever again, some people will read that and understand that I'm not being sexist at all! I'm pointing out how sexist it was to name Lois Lane's comic book, "Superman's Girlfriend." But some people don't like that kind of satire or parody or whatever it was. They just think I'm using it as an excuse to belittle Lois Lane's writing due to her gender. I would never do that! I always belittle her writing because it's usually horrible. Especially when Scott Lobdell is allowed to write it.

I don't think Lois meant for this to sound like it does.

Doomsday is currently killing Lex Luthor and Superman is taking his time coming to the rescue. I know Superman is supposed to save everybody but it's not like he has to save everybody immediately, you know? Sometimes learning a lesson is more important than a few broken bones.

Doomsday says "Brah!" when Superman finally tackles him off of Lex. Does that mean I should begin referring to him as Doucheday? Doomsdouche? I don't think either one of those is catchy enough. It's not like Deathstork which just rolls off the tip of my fingers (mostly on accident).

Superman has decided that this isn't the Doomsday of this Earth who was already pummeled into an airborne virus. This is the same Doomsday from his world! Or at least a nearly identical approximation of that Doomsday, probably created by all of the worlds greatest scientists and artists on a secret island who were then killed before receiving their paychecks from Doctor Oz(ymandias). If Superman can defeat Doomsday this time, he'll pass the test! I don't know what kind of test it is. I guess it's to test if Superman will actually think through a problem instead of bashing it into submission with his fits.

Superman smashes Doomsday through the street and into the sewers. The mysterious new Clark Kent falls in the hole while warning Jimmy Olsen not to fall in the hole. He's clumsy enough to be the real Clark Kent! And he breaks his arm in the fall, so he's definitely not a super person. He probably is New 52 Superman who finally lost all of his powers and somehow switched places with the Quarmer. He's going to need some tips from Steve Trevor about how to survive having sex with Wonder Woman.

Clark and Superman exchange a few words to let the reader know something fucked up is going on but doesn't reveal enough to be interesting. Why do characters always waste time talking about how there's no time to explain the stuff that the reader wants explained? Just explain the stuff in the same amount of time it takes to argue about how you don't have time to explain it!

Lex manages to evacuate all of the citizens in the area just before Superman and Doomsday blow a crater in Metropolis a mile wide. Only Doomsday emerges from the rubble which doesn't mean anything except that Doomsday can dig out of rubble faster than Superman. But it probably causes Lois to pee her pants a little bit as she watches from home with Jon.