Catwoman #51

Is this another book that's going to be taking cues from the current crop of DC television shows? Is Baby Catwoman going to be the focus of this story?

The Review
Catwoman has been bad since The New 52 began. Although when she wasn't Catwoman but Mafiawoman, she was actually well written. It's just I'm not comfortable thinking of Genevieve Valentine's run as part of the Catwoman series since she wasn't really doing much Catwomanning. I wouldn't say it's bad now but it's mediocre and underwhelming. But at least Tieri fills it with pop culture references so every few pages, I can think, "Hey! I get that reference. I'm so smart and filled with useless garbage."

The Commentary
I feel sick. I just saw the preview for Me Before You. I think it may have done some serious long-term damage to one of my more important internal organs. I suppose what the world needs now is a movie where a dying man teaches a girl who seems to be living life just fine how to really fucking live the fuck out of life. Because what an independent, carefree, cute, young woman really needs is a sour, grumpy, rich man in a wheelchair who only has six months left to live giving her the proper perspective on life. How is she supposed to live a full life if she's never fallen in love with a man who can offer her no future?! Although he is rich and dying so I might be wrong about offering her no future. He may in fact be offering her the greatest future in the world: financial independence at a young age without any intimate ties! After that commercial, there was a spot for the Ben-Hur remake and I seriously thought Morgan Freeman called the main character "Ben-Wa" before I realized what the movie was.

I also feel sick because my new downstairs neighbor seems to have taken the words of the little man from another place to heart. Whenever they're awake, they've got music playing and I can't fucking concentrate because I've got a thing about noise. That thing is that I don't like it when I'm not making it. It's weird that I can tune out any music or television the Non-Certified Spouse is enjoying but I get filled with a primal rage if I can hear anybody else's noises! That's probably a normal thing, right? Wishing that other people didn't exist? To drown out their music, I've got Graveyard of Horror on Comet TV playing at full volume. The worst part is they play music at night as well so now I think it's time to hook up the Dance, Dance Revolution to the television over their bedroom and completely fuck up their life. I'm nothing if not filled with the need for retribution against the slightest of transgressions against me.

This month in Catwoman, Black Mask's father is dying. And wouldn't you know it, Selina Kyle has a history with him and his involvement in secret societies! She must have been really young when she got involved in that mess, right? Like about the age she is in Gotham! If they're going to go through with this kind of flashback, there'd better be a roller rink sequence with her and Bruce Wayne.

The bonus story in Issue #50 proclaimed the story took place fifteen years in the past which was obviously ridiculous. That would probably have put Selina even younger than the age she is in Gotham and yet she was no more than fifteen and probably more like eighteen. This issue has a flashback to Selina at about the same age but proclaims it takes place "Several Years Ago". So somebody tried to straighten up that mess. Anyway, in the flashback, Selina and her brother are committing credit card fraud by using Dick Sionis's credit card. Unless maybe David isn't Selina's brother. They seem a bit too touchy-feely to be siblings. From my experience, siblings usually go their whole lives without touching in any way at all.

In the flashback, Selina and David sell a necklace to Louie who was overweight in the present so guess what? He's constantly eating! His entire character development in the flashback is about how he eats so much! And every shot of him, he's got a sandwich stuffed in his mouth. Ha ha! It's always so funny how writers have to point out that fat people eat! Usually, writers just allow the readers to assume certain things about characters. We assume they go to the bathroom even though it's rarely ever shown. We assume they breathe even if they rarely exclaim, "I'd better take another breath now before I die!" And we assume they eat and drink enough to maintain life functions. But if a character is fat?! Well, obviously they must be eating in every fucking scene. I thought this whole "fat characters must always be shown with their thoughts consumed by food" was a thing that went out sometime in the eighties. I just saw an episode of Mork and Mindy yesterday where two little girls came by to see Mork and one of them was pudgy. So what were her lines? "Do you have any ice cream you're not using?" And then she left the scene to spend most of it off-camera in the kitchen. The next time she appears, she's scarfing down a huge turkey leg and proclaiming that Mindy is out of some kind of food. I didn't commit it to memory because I didn't think I was going to mention it in a commentary. I know! My mistake! I mention everything in these stupid commentaries! Anyway, I guess some writers still think fat people are fat because they're constantly shoving food down their face, even in situations where they normally wouldn't be shoving food in their face. At the very least, they always have some food in their pockets that can be used to move the plot along.

Does Kyle have to carry his racket everywhere he goes? I doubt he'll find a tennis game in the woods.

In the present, Catwoman has decided to steal Dick's Faceless Mask but the False Face Society gets to it first. Luckily she's teamed up with Alice Tesla and has lots of new technology to work with. So of course she's got a mini-tracking device which she can stick on White Mask, the new False Face Society's leader (clever, right?! Black Mask. White Mask!), Batman style.

Once more, Frank Tieri can't go more than two pages without referencing something--anything!--from popular culture. So he makes sure to mention Field of Dreams because CORNFIELD! And then he makes sure to mention Eyes Wide Shut because GATHERING OF MASKED PEOPLE! He's so clever with the seventeen to twenty-seven year old references!

The big shocker is that White Mask is actually...DAVID?! Oh no! Not that guy I know nothing about who Tieri assures me means a lot to Selina!

Later Black Mask kills his father and a bunch of hospital staff in a big Sleepaway Camp shocker!

Batman Loves Superman #31

I wonder what Batman is singing here?

The Review
Even though this story is about Superman dying, it's raised the quality of this comic substantially! That's probably because Eddie Berganza is keeping his gropey mitts off of this series and letting Tomasi tell the story all himself. That's why Tomasi is writing both Superman and Batman Loves Superman right now. I don't know if he's also writing Action Comics and still on Superman Loves Wonder Woman until this story is over. Probably! It's really the way to go because whenever you have a story controlled by Group Editor Eddie Wanderinghandza and written by several writers, the quality always suffers. Because the story is always as bad as the worst writer helping out. Plus when you've got a clod like Berganza conducting, you're guaranteed cacophony.

The Commentary
My favorite thing about the Superman books now being numbered so readers know in which order to read them is that you know, one day, DC Comics is going to publish them out of order. I can't wait for that day so I can openly mock them! "Losers!" I'll say! "Do your job right! How am I supposed to read these in the correct order? Build a time machine?! Jerks! Poor business people! Lousy organizers!" Oh man, that was fun. I guess I don't have to wait for that day! I can mock them any time I want to by just pretending they fucked something up! Just like everybody else on the internet!

This issue is called "The Final Days of Superman" because the bitch is dying. He flew too close to the sun and now he's paying the price! No wait. I guess that whole Icarus analogy can't be used willy-nilly on anybody! Because if Superman flies too close to the sun, he gets stronger. Oh! You know what would make the Icarus myth better! If Daedalus was knocked out of the air by a plummeting Icarus and as he too crashes to the ground, he could have yelled, "Arg! I flew too close to the son!"

Superman has decided to go tell Batman he loves him. What better way to end your life than making Batman feel awkward and uncomfortable? Batman is currently busy fighting crime.

Or shooting a porno.

Superman hasn't actually come to hug Batman at all. He wants the use of Batman's detective skills to find Supergirl. Well, it's about time! My theory is that she finally met somebody in the universe who didn't approve of being punched in the face as a greeting and locked her up somewhere. And wherever she's locked up, it's strong enough to withstand her vagina exploding FWASH power. I don't know if Superman knows it but Supergirl once survived Chronic Kryptonite Poisoning herself! She might be able to help save him if she can remember how she got better. I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Cyborg Superman and some people called I'noxians.

Superman meets Titus and Batcow but Alfred Pennyworth the Cat smells Krypto all over him and decides to remain in the shadows. Before Superman leaves, Alfred says thank you to him and I almost lose it. It's weird because I generally don't feel like I care about most of these fictional characters. I've got a pretty thick callous of cynicism coating my brain and yet fucking Tomasi always knows how to write Alfred in just the right way to break through the armor. Maybe he catches me off-guard by writing a scene where I open the emotional gates to let the anger out because Alfred Pennyworth the Cat didn't get to meet Superman and so I write some glib excuse for why the cat didn't make the cut and then BOOM! Alfred thanks Superman and leaves it at that and I'm left thinking, "How did my anger turn to melancholy so quickly?!"

Meanwhile in Metropolis, that escaped convict is still going around thinking he's Superman. I mean, he doesn't think he's Superman when he's not all Superman'd up. But then he pushes a kid off of a roof and the kid is about to die and he transforms and suddenly he's Superman and he's thinking like Superman and he has Superman's powers and he has to save the kid. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably just a side story that will never go anywhere. Unless Tomasi writes Superman differently than Scott Lobdell did.

Superman saves a bunch of lives while Batman does the detective thing. When Superman returns to Gotham, Batman tells Superman that Kara seems to have gone to some mysterious place called National City. That must be the Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse. For several reasons! First of all, Gotham and Metropolis are both the fictional New Yorks of the DC Youniverse even though there's still a New York City in the DC Youniverse. So National City is probably the fictional Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse even though there's already a Washington, DC. But even more apt is that DC Comics used to be National Comics. So they're being clever! Also I don't think any political shit really goes down in National City. Maybe a few baseball games or something, but that's about it.

Before Batman can say more, they're attacked by a number of Chinese New Year Animals. I bet it's the work of the new and improved Calendar Man! This gimmick is way better than whatever his gimmick was before!

Well la dee da! Batman just knows fucking everything, doesn't he?!

The Zodiac creatures were probably sent by the evil Doctor Omen who recently hacked the Fortress of Solitude. Unless that's a racist assumption to make because she was Chinese and these are Chinese Zodiac animals. But it's not like Doctor Light has appeared in this comic book! So why would I think she was behind it. Also she's Japanese so that was racist.

Before the creatures destroy themselves, the dragon slices Superman's neck and makes him bleed. Well, now The Coming of the Supermen #3 cover makes sense! Except it was on the wrong comic book!

Instead of figuring out what the attack was about, Superman decides it's time to rush off to National City where Supergirl is currently sealed in some kind of Anti-Bum machinery. It's the worst because I can't see her bum!

The Sheriff of Babylon #5

At this point, I don't know why the blurb writers haven't taking over the writing of this comic book. They're so much smarter than everybody else! Here's another that uses the term 'realpolitik'!

The Review
I wish I could come up with the kind of poetical blurb that Paste Magazine has come up with! I mean with which Paste Magazine has come up! Damn it! I hope they don't read this and think, "Why is this stupid man reading a thinking man's comic?!" Actually, I hope they do think that. Fuck them for implying that comics are for stupid, illiterate, vacuous staring cowpeople and only occasionally is one written that is worth somebody's time! Fuck you, Paste Magazine! Sit on my stupid dick and spin smartly! You fuckgarbage! I hope Paste Magazine isn't too busy jerking off into their own mouths over the sentence "corpses of patriotism litter yesterday's battlefields" to read the next issue! I'm going to use that statement as my Facebook Political Views blurb! And I won't give any attribution! People will read it and think, "Whoa. Tess is a real thinking man!" Currently my political views is this quote by John Steinbeck: "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost." Maybe that should go on the cover of the next Sheriff of Babylon! And while I'm proving that I'm not smart enough to come up with a terrifically smug comment like Paste Magazine's, here's the quote by Philip K. Dick which I use as my Religious Views blurb on Facebook: "Our partial knowledge of reality is sufficient to get us by--for a while longer. Cause and effect bumble on, and we go with them; like good middle-class Americans we keep paying on our insurance policies, hoping to outbet the actuary tables. What will destroy us in the end is synchronicity; eventually we will arrive in a blind intersection at 4:00 A.M. the same time another idiot does, also tanked up with beer; both of us will then depart for the next life, with probably the same outcome there, too. Synchronicity, you see, can't be anticipated; that's one of its aspects."

Was that a clear enough review of this issue? I hope so because I haven't even read it yet! But I figure it's going to be just as good as the previous four issues. Plus, Paste Magazine already said everything that needs to be said when they modified 'horror' with 'realpolitik'!

Wait! I've read it now! It's wonderful! So wonderful! I cried multiple times. And I know that sounds sarcastic but it wasn't meant to be at all. This is truly a moving and touching piece of storytelling. Plus it features a bit about cats which is the best because cats are the best and anybody who writes a story that includes cats is obviously a realpolitikal genius.

The Commentary
I have never had a conversation with another human being where they used the word 'realpolitik'. At least not one that didn't immediately end with me punching them in the throat and pissing on their face.

Currently in The Sheriff of Babylon, a whole bunch of stuff has been happening that I don't understand because I never take the time to think about my comic books. I just flip through the pages and think, "Oh yeah! Violence! Boobies! A Superman sheet! I wish I was reading Superman so I didn't have to keep using my brain and my online dictionary to tell me what words like 'realpolitik' and 'zzzgrwchhazzx' mean!

The online dictionary didn't have a definition for 'zzzgrwchhazzx' but the Urban Dictionary says it's the sound a goat makes when you suck its dick after filling your mouth with your own shit. I don't think Tom King is using it in that way here though. I think it's just meant to be snoring sound effects.

Oh! I get this part! He's drunk! Ha ha!

The drunk guy must be drunk on hard liquor because you probably shouldn't drink beer on Atkins! You can drink rye though which is ironic! Isn't it? It might not be. Nerds on the internet have made me afraid to describe things as ironic because apparently nobody in the history of ever has ever used the term correctly. Let me try to use it correctly: "The irony, of course, was that the newly entrenched invaders bringing about their strange laws and new rules had never heard the word 'realpolitik' used in any conversation." Damn it! That isn't right! I hate not being a thinking man! So frustrating!

I can't wait until somebody pipes up in the comments to educate me on all the stuff I'm pretending not to know!

Actually, I'm only pretending that I'm pretending not to know so I don't look stupid! Is that ironic?!

The problem with thinking man comic books is that they don't think they need to remind me what the name of the main character is so now I'm six pages in without any idea what Christopher's name is. Oh wait! It's Christopher! I was casually reminded on page two! Good thing I picked those things up subconsciously! I know the broad's name is Fatima and that I shouldn't call her a broad. I'm not stupid!

Have you ever noticed how only stupid people have to claim they're not stupid? That's the best way to pick them out of a crowd since everybody believes they're smart. Okay, most everybody. Occasionally you'll come upon a person who knows they're a dumb-ass. But then maybe they're just trying to seem wise because they once heard that Socrato declared that he knew nothing and that's what made him smarter than the people who thought they knew everything! Sometimes people will know they're not "book smart" but then they'll go on and on about how much common sense they have while I make a jerk-off motion with my hand, usually directed into my open mouth. I'm the kind of smart that isn't book smart or common sense smart! I'm the kind of smart that most people wouldn't categorize as smart at all!

Christopher and Fatima decide to get bombed on the edge of a bombed out pool.

Is it ironic that Fatima is Muslim and she drinks? She also kills. She also has loads of sex outside of marriage. I bet she even draws pictures of Muhammad. Which--let's face it--isn't the big deal some people would like to make it out to be. Just because a religion has a tenet that followers should respect doesn't mean somebody outside of the religion has to respect it as well! That's arrogant bullshit. It's also just an excuse for assholes to kill. It's like when a drunk guy at a bar keeps bumping into you aggressively and you finally say, "Hey, dude. Chill." Now that you've confronted him, you've given him an excuse to punch your stupid face in! And he feels like he's in the right because you fucking started it, man! I doubt most Muslims even care if a non-Muslim draws a picture of Muhammad. Just like how I can tell my Christian friends the joke about Jesus not being able to walk on water now because of the holes in his feet. They won't kill me for telling that joke but they will groan and probably walk away because it was in poor taste. I should save jokes like that and my drawings of Muhammad for my secret atheist meetings where we wring our hands and snicker maniacally while planning the downfall of all earthly religions! Actually, the wringing of the hands is just to get the Cheetoh's dust off of them and the snickering is usually because we just blew up one of our friends in Call of Duty and the planning the downfall of all earthly religions is just not thinking about religion at all. Or at least hardly ever in the context of destroying them. I think about religion a lot because I'm fascinated by it. Plus I was a literature major so I have to know The Bible to get 90% of the allusions being made in practically everything written before 1945. And a whole lot of it after that, too!

Although now I'm rethinking that bit where I tell that Jesus joke to Christians. I bet if I told it to the wrong group of Christians, I could be endangering my life! Because a lot of people have that double standard in their own minds where they believe violence is wrong unless it is justified. And what justifies violence for any single person is completely different depending on their beliefs, their passions, and their time spent in anger management classes. I would justify violence against anybody who might harm one of my pets. Or somebody who puts on a voice and says to me, "Fatty fatty two-by-four, can't fit through the bathroom door."

You know why I think drawing a depiction of Muhammad is so offensive? Because it represents one of the biggest splits between two of the People of the Book, Christians and Muslims. While Christians seemed to ignore the whole idol worship thing and went off to basically found their religion on the worship of a man (who was possibly the son of God although probably really just a prophet and/or lunatic), Islam proclaims idol worship to be one of the greatest sins a person can commit. So Islam went another route and declared all depictions of prophets and, well, anybody, really, were considered idol worship. Which makes sense if you're a prophet and believe Allah is the guy to concentrate on. You'd go out of your way to tell people not to paint pictures of you, the prophet, which might eventually get held up above Allah. Just as happened with Christians and their worship of Jesus. So basically Muhammad was taking a huge dig at Christians! He was pointing out how backwards they got it and didn't want Islam to fall into the same trap. Ban the iconography and less attention is pulled away from the whole "there is no god but Allah" refrain.

Why did I take that digression?! Those are topics for my secret writings and not my public comic book writings!

This should be published in the newspapers alongside the other strips every single week. Because this is all you need to know about life.

Fatima and Christopher talk about 9/11 (Does that confuse pretty much the rest of the entire world? Are children of other countries going to hear it called 9/11 and believe it happened on the ninth of November?). Fatima admits that the only problem she had with US sanctions against Iraq when Saddam was in power was that she couldn't masturbate properly. I think. She says she couldn't get batteries and I don't know why else a woman would need batteries. They never get to operate the remote control, right?! Brozingo! That joke time traveled from 1984.

Near the end of their time hanging out, Christopher shows Fatima an old fertility idol he was given by his predecessor. And now I'm glad I got into the digression because Fatima takes it, and looks at, and admires its beauty, and suspects it's an old god, and then tosses it in the crater saying, "There is only one god. And Muhammad is his prophet." So see? It all came together in the end! It should mean something.

Batgirl #50

Frankie is looking HAWT.

The Review
I really love Batgirl of Burnside and for some reason, I didn't have it in the highly recommended category on my review site. Or whatever I call it. Must reads? Best of DC? Books with the perkiest tits? Anyhow, it's one of my favorites and I've rectumified the error.

The Commentary
Dear Diary,

Today I filled in a crossword puzzle with only the word penis, and a sudoku with only little images of cocks. I did this at the laundromat with a magazine I found lying near the washer I was using. I needed to do laundry because I sniffed the gusset on every single one of my underpants and all of them smelled like I had just come back from programming class staring at the hot guy three seats up and four seats over who has a pleasant habit of touching his crotch while he thinks through a logic problem. I don't know if that's actually a pleasant habit but I know I enjoy watching it because he's totally doing it subconsciously so I feel like I'm spying on something nasty. Sometimes I think of asking him out and putting his hand in my lap and saying, "Write a program to determine the least number of moves a person can make to win at Checkers if their opponent moves their far right-hand piece first." Oh god, I feel tingly! Why don't I just have the balls to ask him--or anybody!--on a simple fuck date!

I wonder if Steph or Harper eat pussy?

I am so pent up!

Look at this rear end! How has no tongue ever tracked it's way across my butthole, over my taint, and straight on til morning?!

Why can't I be as popular with the boys as I am with supervillains, whackjobs, and serial killers?! I don't even mind if a guy just wants me for my hot perky bod! I'm sick of guys going after me for my mind, like that one guy whose name I can't remember when I first got to Burnside or that other guy whose name I can't remember because he's been stealing all of my memories or that other guy who was a cop but I fucked up my chance with him. And before that, the only people after me were women! That was weird. And hot in a way. I don't know if I really want to kiss another woman but I wouldn't mind some oral sex from one. That's not Batgay, is it?

Oh, I remembered the name of the guy whose ass I kicked yesterday! The Fugue! More like the Fugly, amirite, Diary?! That creep went through my underwear drawer, so he had to pay!

We should start a band named Hawt Bitches. We would all have cool nicknames like Bootyspread, Grumpfuck, Virgin Slut, Accidental Blowjob, and Electric Bungholelube. It would be like the girl version of Gwar! Except instead of blood and violence, we'd shower the audience with nudity and sex juices! Also maybe blood and violence since Black Canary--I mean Grumpfuck!--will be in the group.

Fugue thought up this overly complicated plan to murder thousands of people and blame it all on me. What's up with Gotham Baddies trying to ruin my sparkling--if too pure--reputation?! What the poop did I do?! It's a good thing I had the girl band with me to take out Fugue's allies while I dealt with him. It's like I have my own little Batfamily of hawt little super sluts!

Electric Bungholelube took out Killer Moth by grasping his goo gun and turning it around on him, spraying the sticky ejaculate all over his body until he couldn't move. Ugh! I'm so jealous!

Accidental Blowjob was up against the Jawbreakers which, now that I've written it down, is totes fitting! I saw the recordings of the fight and at one point, Accidental Blowjob says, "It looks like I'm gonna have my hands full down there." Oh man! Why didn't she say "mouth" instead of "hands"?! I mean, I know why she didn't. Because she doesn't know I've been calling her Accidental Blowjob. Although if she knew, she'd probably just smile and laugh and say, "Oh yeah! I would totally accidentally blow a guy! Probably when I was just going to shake hands or something!"

Or Accidental Blowjob! Maybe the Purple Peepee Eater?

Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube wound up having to battle Corporal Punishment as well as the Jawbreakers. Christ, even without my silly sexy codenames, this adventure I just had sounds like a porn movie. Corporal Punishment? What was she planning on doing? Putting Batman over her knee? Bane already did that! HA!

Not that Accidental Blowjob and Electric Bungholelube couldn't take care of a simpleton like Corporal Punishment themselves but I still sent Bootyspread along to help. And by "sending Bootyspread", of course I meant Bootyspread hacked into the Gotham Police Department and took control of one of their Batman Robots! We've actually begun calling Bootyspread "Operator" which doesn't really help tone down the porniness of the story.

Bootyspread might need to work on her one-liners.

Fugue spread some video of me telling everybody to meet on the bridge so he could blow it up and kill them all. Not only is he trying to blame me for his massacre, he also made me say "an historic"! Ugh! Pee-yuke! What a pretentious twat! Farts! I hope nobody remembers this and goes around thinking I talk like that!

Grumpfuck was given the task of battling Velvet Tiger and just thinking about it has me all steamy in the underpants. Now those are women! I can't imagine ever being old enough to feel like a real woman like Black Canary or Velvet Tiger! I imagine they meet a man and they take his cock in hand and they know exactly what to do with it and where to put it and when to put it there! I would be all, "Does it go in here yet? How about now? What about in here? Can it go in here first and then in here or would that be gauche and unsanitary?!" I imagine there were at least three orgasms during the battle of Grumpfuck and Velvet Tiger!

In the end, Fugue's entire plan was just to rob a bank. Well, that didn't stop my plan of kicking his ass from going on as, um, planned! Yeah!

Oh my god. I give myself such a huge boner!

Oh, and by the way, Diary, I started my own business! Well, "my own" if you forget about Luke Fox being my "partner". I hope he doesn't have any hangups about sex between coworkers! Or about coworkers masturbating on his office chair after hours while smelling the musk from the t-shirt he left in his locker in the corporate gym!

Swamp Thing #4

Alec's got quite the body for a biochemist. Although it's rather shitty for a botanist.

The Review
I have no idea how this series reads to younger audiences but I'm enjoying it because it's such a throwback to the comic books I read when I was younger. Everything about it hearkens back to pre-Crisis DC Comics books: the look, the written style, the thought balloons, the writer, Zatanna's extreme level of horniness. Maybe that last only existed in my head back when I was younger although I do remember her trying to fuck Blue Devil back when she wore a jumbo shrimp on her head. So I think Zatanna has constantly been trying to get laid. I bet she's fucked the entire Justice League. She's my hero. This wasn't much of a "The Review" section, was it? Fuck it. I'm crap at this part anyway. If you're into old Swamp Thing comic books, this book is probably going to be up your whatever. I can't bother to think of the word I was going to use because I'm imagining what Zatanna would do to Cyborg.

The Commentary
This is an appropriate series for one of these throwback covers that present the potential purchaser with the crazy "What the fuck?!" scenario that will be taking place within the comic book. Covers like this were important in a time when young kids didn't collect entire runs of comic books but instead, each week, picked a few with the most outrageous stories from off of the spinner rack at the corner store. These were comics bent over at the middle from being packed into the metal slots and already well-fondled and sticky from other kids having already read them in the store. I generally prefer covers that don't scream some absurdity into my face in the hopes that I'll buy a single issue in the run of a series because I couldn't pass up the cover's claim of wacky antics supposedly going on inside. I've become a fan of covers that create a consistent mood from month to month, like The Omega Men or the early I, Vampire issues at the beginning of The New 52. DC also seems to love variant covers although I can't imagine why. I understand why they like the limited edition variant covers because those generally only go to shops who buy a certain amount of the issue with the regular cover. But what are the advantages of doing things like the John Romita Jr. variant months? It boggles my mind that DC sells enough extra copies to pay for the additional art work from the artist. I just buy whichever cover my comic book shop shoves into my pullhole. But I suppose there are John Romita Jr fans who must purchase every single one of his variant covers even if they don't normally read the series on which the cover appears, right? Are there rabid fans of John Romita Jr? I get why DC would shove Harley Quinn on all of the covers but minimalist art by John Romita Jr where everybody looks like a character from Kick Ass? That strains my credulity!

So last month in Swamp Thing, Zatanna had just helped Alec Holland get his body back while turning Matt Cable into the new Swamp Thing. Zatanna knew this was going to be the result of the spell but she never informed Alec. You would think that would be something Zatanna would have made clear being that she's supposedly Alec's friend. But instead she kept acting mysterious about the price Matt Cable would pay. I guess Alec could have stopped obsessing over having a human penis again and actually stopped the ritual to ask, "What the fuck is this price you people keeping talking about?" Especially since he just recently went through the same thing in his New 52 comic book. Will he never learn? Maybe Plant Gods can't form new memories so he simply didn't remember the previous incident.

I'm fairly certain he believed you were going to die, Matt, which is probably why he avoided asking too many questions.

The conversation about the price is finally broached with Alec being all "Nobody told me!" and Zatanna being all "I assumed you knew! I kept saying 'The price! The price!' and you kept saying 'Just get on with it, Madame Xanadu!'" and Matt going all "Ha ha! Sucker!" Alec even says, "We talked around it." See? He knew he was avoiding knowing the price because he just assumed his friend Matt was going to die and Alec wanted to be human badly enough to not want to know! Coward!

Oh, don't you start peppering everything you say with 'literally' as well, Zatanna! I expect that kind of overused, boring, exaggerated emphasis from Madame Xanadu but you?! You're better than that!

This horror story takes a literally weird turn once Zatanna literally informs Alec that he literally can't change back except by a literal act of God. It literally becomes a romance story.

I guess Zatanna helped out because she wanted to be fucked by a Plant God!

Alec cannot think of one thing he'd want to do now that he's human after all this time as a plant? He doesn't fucking deserve humanity! I've been human for the last 44 years and I'm desperate to masturbate and eat a huge slice of carrot cake simply because I've been stuck reading this stupid comic book for the last ten minutes! I haven't been unable to enjoy these things for years and I'm still jonesing to enjoy them. Surely Alec Holland has been dreaming of something human! Even if it's just having a really solid bowel movement! Which, you know, maybe that's what it is being that he's too embarrassed to tell Zatanna.

The thing Alec came up with only after a bit of prodding is...pancakes! He's fucking missed pancakes! I want to judge him for that but I listed "carrot cake" in my desires so I'm going to let him have his boring ass desire. I really wish Len Wein would have gone for broke and had Alec say, "A huge cock in my mouth! God, how I've missed huge cocks in my mouth!"

Zatanna was actually fishing when she asked Alec about what he wanted because apparently she's the one who wants a huge cock in her mouth. She gets naked in front of Alec (who is also naked) and hands him her robes.

Matt, you're making the moment a little creepy.

When I turn the page, Alec and Matt are back in the swamps of Louisiana having been teleported there by Zatanna. So now I just have to imagine the three way orgy over pancakes? Fucking bullshit, man.

Instead of leaving the swamp, Alec decides to hang around and help train Matt. Eventually they run across a poacher so that Alec can see his friend at work and, afterward, say, "You're being Swamp Thing wrong! That's not how I did it! Do it my way!"

I guess this entire series is simply about how Alec is a micro-manager and a control freak.

Alec quickly learns that his friend doesn't give a shit about him. Matt just wanted power and immortality and no penis. Matt has decided to take over the world and where better to start than Houma, Louisiana? I mean where better that's close to the swamp!

Matt Cable builds a throne so he looks regal when he makes his demands to the world and then he uses some vines to pull Alec Holland underground. I guess it's the end of the world.

The Coming of the Supermen #3

Superman is Jack from Lost in the last season?

The Review
What the fuck is going on in this comic book? Does anybody else get the feeling that Neal Adams had no real idea what to do with this story after the first issue? By the last half of this issue, things are so muddled and confused that I had to check my pupils in the mirror to make sure they were the same size. After confirming that I wasn't having a stroke, I went back to the comic book where I remained confused until the end. On a basic level, I suppose the story is easy enough to follow. Darkseid is invading New Krypton who need Superman's help to stop the invasion. But why the fuck is Rafi important enough to be kidnapped by Kalibak? Doesn't that just ensure that Superman is going to come to New Krypton? And what about the demon Muhammad and the dog Jesus? I thought this was going to be an allegory about the relationship between Christianity and Islam! And why do most of the scenes wind up making little sense at all? And who uses "PAM" as the sound made when Superman bounces off of Kalibak's skull? Why is Lex Luthor such an incoherent bumbler? Usually when a mini-series I'm reading has an issue like this, I give up on it even though that means my collection remains incomplete. But I guess I'll stick this one out because Neal Adams is getting to that age that he's going to need money for medical expenses and it's either going to come from supporting his work or giving a few bucks to a future GoFundMe page.

The Commentary
Here is a Tweet that I happened to read on my Twitter Feed because it was retweeted by a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse whom I follow because I don't want to seem like the pretentious Douchéstork I actually am: "What's it like having enough money to go on strike and still be able to pay the rent?" Oh! Ha ha! Hilarious and cutting observation, @FuckstickMcGee (I changed his Twitter handle to protect him from whomever he stole that Twitter joke). Too bad Fuckstick doesn't have the brain power to think past his bon mot! Guess what, Mister McGee? If not for strikes and unions by people who not only couldn't fucking pay their rent to do it but were also subjected to physical violence and blacklisting, people don't have to work every fucking day, all fucking day, just to pay that fucking rent! And guess what? People go on strike all the time even when they can't afford it. Because corporations aren't going to improve employee working conditions and pay simply because the wind changes direction and Mary Poppins arrives to teach them a magic word. A magic word that can kill, by the way! Boy, that Mary Poppins was a bad-ass. One of my biggest anti-establishment heroes alongside Willy Wonka. Oh, sure. You might argue about Willy Wonka and I might have to concede some points that he was definitely a bastard corporate owner, what with using alien labor in the guise of offering them protection from Vermicious Knids, but overall, I'd have to say he generally gave his finger to the establishment in terrific ways. Like causing global riots with his Golden Ticket program, and murdering shitty kids in his factory, and willing everything he owns to some poverty stricken child. Oh, sure, that child was white and male but all of our heroes are problematic in one way or another!

I wonder why I even present the idea that I'm reviewing comic books? How many people might actually enjoy my blog if only they realized it was only about twenty percent about comic books?! I might have a problem with branding! Although that's not a new revelation. Who names their comic book review blog something incomprehensible like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea?! Fucking idiot.

In the previous issue, Kalibak had kidnapped Clark's new foster child. I call Rafi his "foster child" because I don't want to accuse Superman of kidnapping as well. When Kalibak takes a child away from his home, you know the intent is probably malicious. But when Superman takes a child away from his home and his country, you know it's probably for the kid's sake.

You should probably also remember that Rafi's dog's name was Isa which is Jesus in Islam. That would probably be offensive if anybody actually cared about offending Christians. It's probably actually offensive to white people who think Muslims need their protection, actually. What might be most offensive is how Neal Adams drew Muhammad as a winged demon in the first issue!

Oh! And in this issue as well!

I know what you're thinking! At least, I know what I'm pretending you're thinking so that I can answer the fake question I'm shoving in your head: "What proof do you have that the demon is supposed to represent Muhammad?!" Oh wait. I can't answer that question. I don't have any proof. You're just going to have to trust me. I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all.

Superman discovers that the Supermen are from New Krypton where they've been invaded by Darkseid who heard New Krypton had really great--and strong!--chairs.

I guess everybody is out of breath this issue because every sentence is interrupted by at least one ellipsis. "This is why we came to Earth. We...need your help...on New Krypton. We've been invaded...by Apokolips." He's so out of breath that he can't even muster the strength to end that last sentence with an exclamation point! Which it totally deserves!

"They wear us down, like vermin." Is that a Biblical allusion?

The Supermen's plan was to take over protecting Earth while Superman headed off to New Krypton to save the day. Superman agrees but he needs a ship so he can bring back Rafi since Rafi can't hold his breath in space the way Superman can. Superman decides he'll borrow one of Lex's. Actually, he'll steal one of Lex's ships. I know Lex ultimately gives Superman permission but what else can he do when Superman is holding him by the scruff of the neck and calling him a criminal?

And apparently flaunting his perfect locks as well!

Is that Neal Adams take on Lex Luthor? He hates Superman because he's jealous of his hair? Enh, it's better than some takes!

I also like how Neal Adams can't picture a spaceship that doesn't drive like a car. Why would Superman even trust one of Luthor's ships? It's probably full of kryptonite!

New Krypton lies on the other side of the sun from Earth. I suppose that means it's in the exact same orbit and going about the sun at the same rate of speed? Is that the idea? Protecting New Krypton from interstellar stuff is an invisible shield. And making their home on that shield? Darkseid and his minions! So they're like lice, I guess.

Lois stows away on Superman's ship because she has to get the scoop! Her ass looks great in a space suit, by the way. I'm sure that didn't need to be said. We all know Lois's ass looks great in anything she wears.

Superman and the New Kryptonians go to battle against Darkseid's forces while Darkseid learns that the software he purchased from Lex Luthor was only a monthly licensing agreement. What a jerk! Remember the days when you could pay one price to license using a program on one computer and you didn't have to keep renewing it monthly because everything took place in the cloud? Fucking cloud! Corporations try to make it sound like a magical place to keep data safe but it's really just an excuse to charge people monthly for their stupid fucking software.

This Luthor's dialogue is making Jesse Eisenberg's look like Edward Packard. I was going to say like Shakespeare but I didn't want to exaggerate.

In the battle against the Apokoliptians, Superman is blasted by Desaad's Red Sun Mote Ray before the action shifts back to Earth. But when the scene returns to New Krytpon, Superman is going after Kalibak. So I guess Luthor's weapon made especially to defeat Superman was a dud? I hope Darkseid didn't sign a two year contract.

Superman beats Kalibak over and over again asking where Rafi is until Orion finally turns up to point out that Kalibak is an idiot and probably doesn't remember. And that's where this mess ends.

Detective Comics #51

And here we have John Romita Jr's rendition of the ever popular "Batman With Gun."

The Review
DC Comics isn't done with Jim Gordon yet! Tomasi still has a pulpy tale to tell starring Jim and his old Marine buddies! It feels like exactly what it was probably written for: to fill the space between Batman coming back and Rebirth hitting the shelves. I don't mind when Detective Comics is actually about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department but I do mind when the detective focused on is Jim Gordon, especially when Gordon has been the focus of this book and Batman for the last year. I'd much rather get a story about Bullock going on a blind date, or Montoya going on a blind date, or Sawyer going on a blind date. In fact, can DC change the title of this comic book to Blind Date Comics?

The Commentary
This issue is called "Our Gordon At War" because Tomasi doesn't have the proper perspective to realize that everybody is sick of Jim Gordon stories. The previous sentence originally read "because nobody can get enough of Jim Gordon stories" but I felt that sarcasm isn't the right way to go. I realize that being sarcastic might confuse the Internet since 95% of the Pie Chart of people reading about comic books on the Internet consists of Self-Diagnosed With Aspergers, Compelled To Play Devil's Advocate, Unintelligent and Belligerent, Offended By Everything, and Simple Troll. The other 5% consists of Super Intelligent People Who Understand Subtlety, Parody, and Sarcasm Who Appreciate The Greatest Comic Book Blog On The Internet. I should clarify for 95% of the internet that by "greatest comic book blog on the internet," I'm referring to this blog, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, and not that Weird Science one where the reviewers feel bad if they have to say a comic book is shit (they also seem to use about 50% of the periods available daily thanks to that Shannara guy).

I have a feeling that after mentioning my blog name, 95% of the people reading this are snorting and saying, "Chai means tea, asshole." By the way, my blog's name is directed at those people. Whether or not they understand it is hardly the point!

I have a feeling that after mentioning the Weird Science blog, I should make it my nemesis since I've forgotten who my previous internet nemesis was. Some other shitty review site that used Vlogs for reviews because their members, apparently, can't read.

This issue begins with a guy running through a crowd in a Gotham street pushing people aside. It serves to remind me that I find something creepy about the way Pasarin draws people. Their bodies aren't quite in proportion and they always have teeny tiny beady eyes. The guy on the run is looking to put Jim Gordon's life in danger. Or warn him of the danger, maybe. I don't really know which is the cart and which is the horse. The guy's name is Berenger and he's one of Jim's old Marine buddies. They apparently buried some Necronomiconesque MacGuffin out in the desert years ago but now everybody involved is dying. To prove he's telling Jim the truth, Berenger dies.

Why are so many henchmen willing to give up their lives for their job? I can't even bother to look busy while I'm waiting for the clock to strike five.

I think that whole bit about not even bothering to look busy is why I don't have a regular job and had to start my own business. Managers hate it when you roll your eyes and make a jerking off motion with your hand every time they speak. I once had a manager cry in a review meeting because I wasn't her friend. Needless to say, I didn't get a raise. I also didn't go to Human Resources about her unprofessional behavior because her sister was head of HR. Instead I just quit not long after. People often talk about the benefits of not having any debt but they seldom mention the greatest benefit of all: telling your current job to shove it at the drop of a hat and releasing yourself from the hell of it all.

The guy dying for his beliefs invoked the name of some person named Amun-Set. I'm an atheist and I have an equal displeasure for all religions save one: The Shakers. Now that's a religion I admire. Or admired? I suppose, according to Princess Wikipedia's supreme knowledge of omnithing, the Shakers are still accepting members even though they technically closed the doors in 1957. That's disappointing! One of the things I admired about them (aside from their belief in the equality of the sexes, their refusal to have children and indoctrinate them into their beliefs, and their cool dance moves) was the fact that they didn't do a whole lot to keep from dying out. I appreciate a religion that doesn't feel the need to recruit new members. I suppose they still aren't recruiting but just accepting novitiates who come of their own free will. So they're still cool with me.

Gordon begins investigating his friend's death but I figure whatever he finds out or doesn't find out, Gordon is going to be grabbing a shovel and heading out to a foreign desert soon.

Eventually Jim makes it to Afghanistan to continue investigating the investigation. I'm still just waiting for him to dig up the skeleton from his past. I mean I'm waiting for the literal digging up and not the whole metaphorical digging up which is just him running around stealing files and asking questions he probably shouldn't be asking.

The secret Jim and his fellow Marines stumbled upon years ago was a temple hidden in the desert where a cult of wackos righteous believers cut strips of skin off of captives to barbecue for Amun-Set or his worldly monsters. That part hasn't been revealed yet! But since everybody is really scared, I can't imagine the enemy is simply human cult members. There's got to be a Mummy or a Jackalwere appearing somewhere in the next half of this story!