The Coming of the Supermen #3

Superman is Jack from Lost in the last season?

The Review
What the fuck is going on in this comic book? Does anybody else get the feeling that Neal Adams had no real idea what to do with this story after the first issue? By the last half of this issue, things are so muddled and confused that I had to check my pupils in the mirror to make sure they were the same size. After confirming that I wasn't having a stroke, I went back to the comic book where I remained confused until the end. On a basic level, I suppose the story is easy enough to follow. Darkseid is invading New Krypton who need Superman's help to stop the invasion. But why the fuck is Rafi important enough to be kidnapped by Kalibak? Doesn't that just ensure that Superman is going to come to New Krypton? And what about the demon Muhammad and the dog Jesus? I thought this was going to be an allegory about the relationship between Christianity and Islam! And why do most of the scenes wind up making little sense at all? And who uses "PAM" as the sound made when Superman bounces off of Kalibak's skull? Why is Lex Luthor such an incoherent bumbler? Usually when a mini-series I'm reading has an issue like this, I give up on it even though that means my collection remains incomplete. But I guess I'll stick this one out because Neal Adams is getting to that age that he's going to need money for medical expenses and it's either going to come from supporting his work or giving a few bucks to a future GoFundMe page.

The Commentary
Here is a Tweet that I happened to read on my Twitter Feed because it was retweeted by a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse whom I follow because I don't want to seem like the pretentious Douchéstork I actually am: "What's it like having enough money to go on strike and still be able to pay the rent?" Oh! Ha ha! Hilarious and cutting observation, @FuckstickMcGee (I changed his Twitter handle to protect him from whomever he stole that Twitter joke). Too bad Fuckstick doesn't have the brain power to think past his bon mot! Guess what, Mister McGee? If not for strikes and unions by people who not only couldn't fucking pay their rent to do it but were also subjected to physical violence and blacklisting, people don't have to work every fucking day, all fucking day, just to pay that fucking rent! And guess what? People go on strike all the time even when they can't afford it. Because corporations aren't going to improve employee working conditions and pay simply because the wind changes direction and Mary Poppins arrives to teach them a magic word. A magic word that can kill, by the way! Boy, that Mary Poppins was a bad-ass. One of my biggest anti-establishment heroes alongside Willy Wonka. Oh, sure. You might argue about Willy Wonka and I might have to concede some points that he was definitely a bastard corporate owner, what with using alien labor in the guise of offering them protection from Vermicious Knids, but overall, I'd have to say he generally gave his finger to the establishment in terrific ways. Like causing global riots with his Golden Ticket program, and murdering shitty kids in his factory, and willing everything he owns to some poverty stricken child. Oh, sure, that child was white and male but all of our heroes are problematic in one way or another!

I wonder why I even present the idea that I'm reviewing comic books? How many people might actually enjoy my blog if only they realized it was only about twenty percent about comic books?! I might have a problem with branding! Although that's not a new revelation. Who names their comic book review blog something incomprehensible like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea?! Fucking idiot.

In the previous issue, Kalibak had kidnapped Clark's new foster child. I call Rafi his "foster child" because I don't want to accuse Superman of kidnapping as well. When Kalibak takes a child away from his home, you know the intent is probably malicious. But when Superman takes a child away from his home and his country, you know it's probably for the kid's sake.

You should probably also remember that Rafi's dog's name was Isa which is Jesus in Islam. That would probably be offensive if anybody actually cared about offending Christians. It's probably actually offensive to white people who think Muslims need their protection, actually. What might be most offensive is how Neal Adams drew Muhammad as a winged demon in the first issue!

Oh! And in this issue as well!

I know what you're thinking! At least, I know what I'm pretending you're thinking so that I can answer the fake question I'm shoving in your head: "What proof do you have that the demon is supposed to represent Muhammad?!" Oh wait. I can't answer that question. I don't have any proof. You're just going to have to trust me. I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all.

Superman discovers that the Supermen are from New Krypton where they've been invaded by Darkseid who heard New Krypton had really great--and strong!--chairs.

I guess everybody is out of breath this issue because every sentence is interrupted by at least one ellipsis. "This is why we came to Earth. We...need your help...on New Krypton. We've been invaded...by Apokolips." He's so out of breath that he can't even muster the strength to end that last sentence with an exclamation point! Which it totally deserves!

"They wear us down, like vermin." Is that a Biblical allusion?

The Supermen's plan was to take over protecting Earth while Superman headed off to New Krypton to save the day. Superman agrees but he needs a ship so he can bring back Rafi since Rafi can't hold his breath in space the way Superman can. Superman decides he'll borrow one of Lex's. Actually, he'll steal one of Lex's ships. I know Lex ultimately gives Superman permission but what else can he do when Superman is holding him by the scruff of the neck and calling him a criminal?

And apparently flaunting his perfect locks as well!

Is that Neal Adams take on Lex Luthor? He hates Superman because he's jealous of his hair? Enh, it's better than some takes!

I also like how Neal Adams can't picture a spaceship that doesn't drive like a car. Why would Superman even trust one of Luthor's ships? It's probably full of kryptonite!

New Krypton lies on the other side of the sun from Earth. I suppose that means it's in the exact same orbit and going about the sun at the same rate of speed? Is that the idea? Protecting New Krypton from interstellar stuff is an invisible shield. And making their home on that shield? Darkseid and his minions! So they're like lice, I guess.

Lois stows away on Superman's ship because she has to get the scoop! Her ass looks great in a space suit, by the way. I'm sure that didn't need to be said. We all know Lois's ass looks great in anything she wears.

Superman and the New Kryptonians go to battle against Darkseid's forces while Darkseid learns that the software he purchased from Lex Luthor was only a monthly licensing agreement. What a jerk! Remember the days when you could pay one price to license using a program on one computer and you didn't have to keep renewing it monthly because everything took place in the cloud? Fucking cloud! Corporations try to make it sound like a magical place to keep data safe but it's really just an excuse to charge people monthly for their stupid fucking software.

This Luthor's dialogue is making Jesse Eisenberg's look like Edward Packard. I was going to say like Shakespeare but I didn't want to exaggerate.

In the battle against the Apokoliptians, Superman is blasted by Desaad's Red Sun Mote Ray before the action shifts back to Earth. But when the scene returns to New Krytpon, Superman is going after Kalibak. So I guess Luthor's weapon made especially to defeat Superman was a dud? I hope Darkseid didn't sign a two year contract.

Superman beats Kalibak over and over again asking where Rafi is until Orion finally turns up to point out that Kalibak is an idiot and probably doesn't remember. And that's where this mess ends.

Detective Comics #51

And here we have John Romita Jr's rendition of the ever popular "Batman With Gun."

The Review
DC Comics isn't done with Jim Gordon yet! Tomasi still has a pulpy tale to tell starring Jim and his old Marine buddies! It feels like exactly what it was probably written for: to fill the space between Batman coming back and Rebirth hitting the shelves. I don't mind when Detective Comics is actually about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department but I do mind when the detective focused on is Jim Gordon, especially when Gordon has been the focus of this book and Batman for the last year. I'd much rather get a story about Bullock going on a blind date, or Montoya going on a blind date, or Sawyer going on a blind date. In fact, can DC change the title of this comic book to Blind Date Comics?

The Commentary
This issue is called "Our Gordon At War" because Tomasi doesn't have the proper perspective to realize that everybody is sick of Jim Gordon stories. The previous sentence originally read "because nobody can get enough of Jim Gordon stories" but I felt that sarcasm isn't the right way to go. I realize that being sarcastic might confuse the Internet since 95% of the Pie Chart of people reading about comic books on the Internet consists of Self-Diagnosed With Aspergers, Compelled To Play Devil's Advocate, Unintelligent and Belligerent, Offended By Everything, and Simple Troll. The other 5% consists of Super Intelligent People Who Understand Subtlety, Parody, and Sarcasm Who Appreciate The Greatest Comic Book Blog On The Internet. I should clarify for 95% of the internet that by "greatest comic book blog on the internet," I'm referring to this blog, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, and not that Weird Science one where the reviewers feel bad if they have to say a comic book is shit (they also seem to use about 50% of the periods available daily thanks to that Shannara guy).

I have a feeling that after mentioning my blog name, 95% of the people reading this are snorting and saying, "Chai means tea, asshole." By the way, my blog's name is directed at those people. Whether or not they understand it is hardly the point!

I have a feeling that after mentioning the Weird Science blog, I should make it my nemesis since I've forgotten who my previous internet nemesis was. Some other shitty review site that used Vlogs for reviews because their members, apparently, can't read.

This issue begins with a guy running through a crowd in a Gotham street pushing people aside. It serves to remind me that I find something creepy about the way Pasarin draws people. Their bodies aren't quite in proportion and they always have teeny tiny beady eyes. The guy on the run is looking to put Jim Gordon's life in danger. Or warn him of the danger, maybe. I don't really know which is the cart and which is the horse. The guy's name is Berenger and he's one of Jim's old Marine buddies. They apparently buried some Necronomiconesque MacGuffin out in the desert years ago but now everybody involved is dying. To prove he's telling Jim the truth, Berenger dies.

Why are so many henchmen willing to give up their lives for their job? I can't even bother to look busy while I'm waiting for the clock to strike five.

I think that whole bit about not even bothering to look busy is why I don't have a regular job and had to start my own business. Managers hate it when you roll your eyes and make a jerking off motion with your hand every time they speak. I once had a manager cry in a review meeting because I wasn't her friend. Needless to say, I didn't get a raise. I also didn't go to Human Resources about her unprofessional behavior because her sister was head of HR. Instead I just quit not long after. People often talk about the benefits of not having any debt but they seldom mention the greatest benefit of all: telling your current job to shove it at the drop of a hat and releasing yourself from the hell of it all.

The guy dying for his beliefs invoked the name of some person named Amun-Set. I'm an atheist and I have an equal displeasure for all religions save one: The Shakers. Now that's a religion I admire. Or admired? I suppose, according to Princess Wikipedia's supreme knowledge of omnithing, the Shakers are still accepting members even though they technically closed the doors in 1957. That's disappointing! One of the things I admired about them (aside from their belief in the equality of the sexes, their refusal to have children and indoctrinate them into their beliefs, and their cool dance moves) was the fact that they didn't do a whole lot to keep from dying out. I appreciate a religion that doesn't feel the need to recruit new members. I suppose they still aren't recruiting but just accepting novitiates who come of their own free will. So they're still cool with me.

Gordon begins investigating his friend's death but I figure whatever he finds out or doesn't find out, Gordon is going to be grabbing a shovel and heading out to a foreign desert soon.

Eventually Jim makes it to Afghanistan to continue investigating the investigation. I'm still just waiting for him to dig up the skeleton from his past. I mean I'm waiting for the literal digging up and not the whole metaphorical digging up which is just him running around stealing files and asking questions he probably shouldn't be asking.

The secret Jim and his fellow Marines stumbled upon years ago was a temple hidden in the desert where a cult of wackos righteous believers cut strips of skin off of captives to barbecue for Amun-Set or his worldly monsters. That part hasn't been revealed yet! But since everybody is really scared, I can't imagine the enemy is simply human cult members. There's got to be a Mummy or a Jackalwere appearing somewhere in the next half of this story!

Superman #51

Why name your new group the Super League when the Super Friends currently isn't being used?! Also, what's with the '1' in the shield?

The Review
I guess this is the final Superman story before Rebirth because it's about Superman dying. That's not a spoiler because the first page is just Superman's face while he says, "I'm dying." That's the story! It's Superman coming to accept his mortality. He does it all wrong too. He gets angry but not because its not fair that he's dying but because he won't be able to save people. Like New 52 Superman cares about saving people! If he really cared, he would have let himself die years ago! Instead he's been a constant threat to Earth due to mind control, contracting the Doomsday virus, being turned into a magical slave, being controlled by the Joker, accepting Rao as Earth's Lord and Savior, and being fueled by Apokolips energy! I'm pretty sure I've forgotten some too! I'm glad Tomasi is handling this story because this first chapter comes off nicely, if a bit melodramatic with all the boo-hoo Superman is dying bullshit. I hope when all is said and done, he gives Batman the pleasure of killing him.

The Commentary
It's nice to see Tomasi's name on the cover of Superman this month but if Berganza is still the editor, I don't have any hope that the comic will suddenly be better. Now that the Truth story arc is over, I'd like to repeat that is was terrible. It was so terrible that I'm not even going to make up some kind of hyperbolic metaphor for how terrible it was, like seeing your grandmother, naked, eating a pile of dog shit. But I would like to remind everybody that there were actual comic book reviewers who love to get Warm Fuzzies from the mainstream publishers who defended the story, who championed the story, and who contorted all logic to support their ignorant and shitty opinion that the story had any redeeming qualities at all. It did not. It was terrible. No, no. It was turribal.

But comic books being what they are, we can now pretend that the Truth story never even happened! Because we've got a new writer and we're headed in a new direction. I hope!

This is the first fucking page. Page two had better be Superman with a big grin finishing his thought with "...for a triple chocolate milkshake!"

The second page is combined with the third page for one big panel that confirms Superman is dying. That makes two panels in the first three pages! Sadly, that isn't a record. I think Tony S. Daniels once managed making the first ten pages into one panel.

At least Krypto makes an appearance even if he's off to the side sadly looking on as his best friend determines why he's dying. The cause? One part Apokolips Fire Pits, one part Kryptonite Chemotherapy, and one part Beat Down by Rao. I guess this Superman is a combination of all those other Supermen who couldn't possibly have been this Superman at all. When the fuck did he have time to not have powers and yet still have powers for the Justice League battle with Darkseid? And I'm not sure I can suddenly pretend that the JLA comic book was taking place in the same universe as this comic book! This is just too much to wrap my head around! I suppose in a few years when all of these stories have been collected in trades and people can pick them up and read them in any order with no realization of the timeline they were published, it'll make more sense. Also, who really fucking cares?! I actually like this aspect of comic books where we can just pretend that everything makes sense if we really fucking want to. Mostly, fangenders never really want to. They just want to bitch and moan and whine and whinge on. But not me! I mean, at least not for long! I still like pointing out how stupid comic book continuity can be! But do I really give a fuck? No!

I'm lying. I really do care and I'm terribly pained about this right now.

On the other negative side, five pages in and the comic has delivered five panels of story! Woot!

Did I woot correctly? Are people still wooting? Is wooting still a thing? Should I have squeed there? Would that have been appropriate? Maybe I should have just meh'd all over the bed.

Idiot! You're raging against the dying of the light wrong! Who cares about the people you won't be able to save? You should care about how you'll never find out the ending to all of the serialized entertainment being produced!

Superman apologizes to Krypto for being so selfish and thinking about everybody but himself. That's selfish for Superman! Krypto is just worried that once Superman is dead, nobody on Earth will be strong enough to open his next bag of Krypton Kibbles.

I don't know why Superman is so worried about dying. The cover already reminded everybody of his go-to healing process! Just go sit inside the sun for awhile and you'll be good. I'm wondering why Superman hasn't visited Doctor Shay Veritas yet. She's a fucking Omniologist! She must know how to save his life! Because if it's a thing, she knows it! She knows omnithing!

Currently, Doctor Omen (who I'm going to immediately assume is Shay Veritas's nemesis and old college roommate) has discovered a way to access the Fortress of Solitude thanks to the damage it took during the merger with Stormwatch's Carrier (or Eye of the Storm. Whatever it is now) and the Justice League Watchtower. Superman detects the breach and decides to leave Krypto in charge of stopping it while he goes out and does some odd jobs.

Afterward, Clark decides to go flirt with Lana.

After they switch it up, Lana asphyxiates in space.

Clark tells Lana that he's dying and she doesn't tell him how to save himself. What use is she?!

Meanwhile some escaped convict from Shawshank thinks he's Superman. Is it time for another Reign of the Supermen story arc?

Later, Superman goes to see Lois Lane to ask her if she can write Superman's biography because Clark Kent won't be around to write it. I suppose if New 52 Superman dies, there's always Lois and Clark Superman left to take care of things. Plus that Superman who just escaped from jail. And probably a couple of electric Supermen somewhere. And a robot Superman. And a Superboy. And Supergirl. And Krypto. And probably Streaky and Comet and Beppo. The world should be fine!

New Suicide Squad #19

Get it? Fists of Cain!

The Review
Tim Seeley is making this book readable. It was always sort of readable but now it's even more readable than before! I have a feeling I'm using "readable" too much, especially since it's one of those words that doesn't really fucking say anything. I mean, legible graffiti in a truck stop restroom is readable. Maybe I should say something like, "This is the version of the Suicide Squad I've been not-so-patiently waiting for!" Sure, it still has the problem of being full of members who DC won't kill off (although the possibility of killing off Diablo remains high. Especially since he's probably going to be one of the members that dies in the movie). But it's getting better by introducing stupid characters like The Hunky Punk and Deathtrap! Characters that are so fucking ridiculous that I love them immediately and feel attached to them and don't want them to die! Also I don't have a crush on them like you're probably thinking. If I did, I would say so in the same way I called Crush Dibs on Vampire Tig, Maps, Alysiah Yeoh, and Supergirl's Bum. I'd also like to say to anybody at DC Comics who might be reading this: give Seeley a Great Britain Suicide Squad comic book! Maybe make it a Young Animals imprint (which I just learned about today and now I can't shake this boner!).

The Commentary
I enjoyed the Internet when it was truly the Wild West. That was when it actually took some effort to have a presence on the web. Now everything is done for you! Stalking people is easy thanks to Facebook. Trolling people is easy thanks to Twitter. Acting like a self-righteous twat who knows everything is easy thanks to Tumblr. Bitterly pointing out how awful comic book writers and artists are is easy thanks to Blogger. Nothing is as fulfilling as it used to be when you actually had to do some research and learn some coding. You even had to be a lot more careful about who you hassled and how you did it because your only email account was either your college email with your real name or the one attached to your parents' AOL account! And if you were banned from AOL, how the fuck were you going to Player Kill innocents in Neverwinter Nights?!

After thousands of these commentaries, maybe it's time I should be honest about some of the stuff I write. I can't say I have ever been a trollish dick on the Internet. I suppose sometimes I'd go into random chat rooms on my Aunt's AOL account while drunk and act like a smart ass. I like to think it was performance art! Oh, and I suppose my cousins and I would sometimes get on the CB radios my uncle got us and troll random truckers. Although I'm sure everybody talking on CBs in Santa Clara, California in the late seventies were all other kids pretending to be truckers too.

You know what? I don't like the whole honesty angle. I think it's better if nobody knows whether something I've said is true or false. That way, I can always deny the truth of anything really embarrassing I reveal. Like that time I admitted to masturbating in the bathroom sink. That was so obviously a joke and not something I do on a nearly regular basis.

See? That was a joke again! Probably!

When we last left the Suicide Squad, they were fighting for their lives in a murder game devised by The Fist of Cain in a German castle called the Fleischhaus. Luckily the title of this issue is a translation of that word, "The House of Meat." Because nobody would have figured that out at all ever. Although I knew it easily because I tend to make up stupid German words like Ziegentasche or Steinschlampe or Totenmeerschweinchen.

Since the Squad is essentially trapped in a building full of murderers, you might be thinking, "Yes! Finally one of them will die!" Also you may have looked at the cover where it seems like maybe Diablo is dead (I would bet my mother's life that he isn't). But hold your ponies, ladies! Another group of super-powered misfits who admire the Squad have also been locked in the castle! So I have a strange feeling that they'll be taking the brunt of the dying.

First nobody down!

Deadshot, crawling around in the air ducts, is lucky he knows German because he comes to a grate that says "FRISCHE LUFT" over it. Fucking hell, Seeley! I was really into this story about a murder cult tricking a government murder squad and a team of murder squad groupies into a long standing German castle called the Fleischhaus and then you had to go and pull me out of it by trying to convince me that a grate leading to outside the castle would be labeled on the inside with the phrase "FRISCHE LUFT"?! I'm seriously thinking about forgetting all of the good shit you've written for DC Comics because of this one mistake on your part! Of course, maybe this wasn't your fault at all. Maybe in your script, you just wanted Deadshot to say "frische Luft" when he felt fresh air blowing in from a grate to the outside and then Juan Ferreyra took it upon himself (or, more likely, was told by an editor!) to write the words on the grate! That seems more likely, especially the part about the editor being the one who thought the comic book needed more explanation. Why can't editors leave well enough alone? Except for those times when they should be getting more involved, like when they're reading Scott Lobdell scripts! I suppose I'm just never really happy, as evidenced by taking up a paragraph to rant about a grate with FRISCHE LUFT carved into it.

The duct that Deadshot is in collapses just as he's about to escape the castle (which, according to Adam the Gamemaster, would just wind up with Deadshot's head being blown off) and falls into a shower where Kilgore, another nobody groupie, is being hacked to pieces by the Fist of Cain. Of course they all decide to fight over Deadshot when he appears because he's practically a seven letter word on a triple word score.

Actually Deadshot's only worth fifteen points. I apologize to all of the Scrabble players about my hyperbole, especially since there's no possible way to create a seven letter word on a triple word score for a measly fifteen points. The bonus alone would shoot you right past fifteen!

Meanwhile Amanda Waller is trying to figure out how to save her Squad. But first she has to humiliate the man who came to visit her for some reason that I can't quite remember. His name is Dorian Ashemore and he's got a fake Who's Who entry!

I know it's fake because it's silly. Also I have my Who's Who right here beside me and there is no entry between Human Target and Hunter's Hellcats.

The Hunky Punk might have the best origin story in the history of the DC Youniverse. Too bad he's not real! I mean, I guess he is real now! Real in a comic book way, of course! I'm not insane! I wonder if I should tear out this page and stick it in my Who's Who?

The whole Hunky Punk plotline just seems to have come out of left field. It's like Seeley decided to write an Elseworlds story in the middle of his Suicide Squad book. That isn't a criticism. I think the Hunky Punk story should be Plot A and the Fist of Cain story should be Plot B! Luckily for me, Amanda wants to lure Hunky Punk to her team of villains. Unluckily for me, he probably won't survive Rebirth.

Back inside Fleischhaus, Deadshot is saved by Deathtrap! Deathtrap is the groupie's real name and not the name I made up for him, in case anybody was confused by the name's stupidity. Remember, he's a parody of the 90s!

Fucking DC! You finally got the right writer on the job to create a Suicide Squad full of nobodies I'm interested in learning about and you're going to Rebirth him! Deathtrap and Hunky Punk are perfect for the Squad! Ridiculous characters that I already like enough to hope that they might survive the next mission while knowing that there's a large chance they won't!

Deathtrap reminds me of Gunfire from Bloodlines. But in that way where you remember something stupid simply because somebody made a version that was better because it didn't take itself seriously and also just because it was better. I wonder if Len Wein has a script for a Gunfire movie gathering dust shoved behind some shoe boxes on the upper shelf of his closet?

Deadshot uses his new Bathroom Tile Gun which--I'm just guessing here--must fire grout bullets as he and Deathtrap make their escape.

Getting back to Tim Seeley's vision of this book, could this be one of those internal pilots? Is Tim Seeley pitching another Suicide Squad which works out of Great Britain? I would read that book with all new villains who, instead of saying "should have," say "should have done"? It already sounds hilariously exciting!

Deadshot and Deathtrap manage to locate Diablo, Cheetah, and Harley Quinn. Now they can make their last stand together! And Deathtrap can make guns for all of them out of whatever's handy! I wonder if he can make guns out of dead bodies? Probably! Why would Tim Seeley limit his power?!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda puts on some body armor because she's always way too eager to go on missions herself these days. I know back in Ostrander's day she once picked up a huge fucking gun and went toe to toe with Granny Goodness (unless I'm remembering it wrong and then never mind), but that was because she didn't have a choice. Amanda is currently in Belle Reve with lots of bad guys to choose from and she chooses to go on a mission with Captain Boomerang and The Hunky Punk! Although I could be wrong and the body armor is just because she's leading the mission and she won't actually be putting herself in any danger. Although what are the chances of that? She was once a member of Team 7!

Harley Quinn and the Suicide Squad April Fools' Special #1

That's the best I can do with a touchpad and a lack of caring.

The Review
I suppose this is the first Rebirth book to be put out since it's merely a prologue for the next version of the Suicide Squad. And guess what? That Suicide Squad's membership is based on the upcoming movie's Squad! Big surprise there, right? I suppose if you're a Suicide Squad Starring Harley Quinn fan, you can't pass up this book even though it's just more and more and more of the same. How am I the only person completely sick of Harley Quinn?

The Commentary
I purchased this comic book without ever seeing the actual cover of the comic book because it's one of these "Convince An Artist To Draw On Your Comic Book And, In Exchange, You Will Never Criticize Them Again Because You Feel Like You Have A Personal Connection" covers. If I had, I wouldn't have purchased it on principle. First, it's just another fucking Harley Quinn book and I have plenty of those. Second, it has fucking Man-Bat on the cover with Harley. Man-bat?! Are you kidding me? Is this some kind of joke?! Do you take me for some kind of a fool?!

On the plus side, it's not written by Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti so it might contain some fresh jokes. Plus the Suicide Squad is in it and, since it's an April Fools story, maybe one of them will actually die! You know, I'm surprised the regular monthly Suicide Squad book isn't called "Harley Quinn and the Suicide Squad". You know, just in case somebody somewhere hasn't gotten the message that Harley Quinn is now a permanent member of the Suicide Squad to help it sell better.

I should also say that Jim Lee's cover is gorgeous. Jim Lee's work doesn't always do it for me because he's in love with extraneous scribbles. But this cover almost makes me interested in Man-bat.

This is definitely a new joke but I'm not sure I understand it. Is it because they eat a lot of chili in Texas?

The story begins with Harley doing the whole "I'm commenting on the comic book" thing. Hey DC! You already have a character who does that and he was around long before Deadpool! Why isn't this an Ambush Bug April Fools' Special?! Harley's taking Ambush Bug's job! I knew there was a reason I was sick of her!

Harley gets a pamphlet about some thing called Evil Anonymous where super-villains help work through their issues. Wasn't there a group like this in the Sinister Six where C-List villains went to try to change their lives? Is Harley just going to steal a little bit from every comic in this Special? And I'm not even going to mention the person people thought Harley was acting like instead of Ambush Bug because that fucker stole Ambush Bug's shtick himself.

The first super-villain Harley Quinn...I mean, Dr. Quinzel decides to help is Man-bat. I suppose she's going to work her way through every member of the Suicide Squad, right?

Harley cures Man-Bat by running his head into an oncoming fire truck which cracks open his skull and causes him to transform back in Kirk Langstrom. But the cops try to arrest her so she has to leave him dying in alley as she runs to get away. But she hit her head too so now she has to have some hallucinations and dream sequences. It's what Harley does in her specials because they're usually drawn by a whole bunch of different artists who need some kind of gimmick to explain all the style changes.

A lot of changes in artists and directions of story lead to Harley being strapped into some Clockwork Orange contraption run by Amanda Waller. It was all a ploy to get Harley motivated to work with a team to kill superheroes. I suppose that's the plot of the next version of the Suicide Squad? A version composed of Captain Boomerang, Deadshot, Katana, and Killer Croc. I guess the characters who are added to this team are the ones who might actually die because this is yet another core Squad without a disposable member.

By the way, Amanda is beginning to put on weight! Did somebody at DC finally give the go ahead to embrace a fat Amanda Waller?

Midnighter #11

Yay Apollo! Now Issue #12's cover had better be Jenny Quantum eating a street burrito while Jack Hawksmoor fucks a manhole cover or I'm going to be pissed.

The Review
If you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they kiss, you'll have to wait for another issue. But if you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they almost kiss, start masturbating now because it's on! I probably shouldn't have revealed that in the review section and I most certainly shouldn't reveal that I've scanned that page later in the commentary section so you don't even have to buy the issue to rub one out to it. You probably should though. Because Midnighter has been one of the best comic books DC has put out since The New 52 began and it needs to make DC money so that DC can listen to their accountant when he pushes up his taped up glasses and says, "That book with the gay superhero made us buttloads of money!" Then the Shadow Cabinet in charge of DC Comics will discuss what that means and determine that what people would really pay money for is a gay Batman. Now, I know some of you have just read that and thought to yourselves, "But Midnighter is gay Batman!" Well, duh! But only on a figurative level! The Shadow Cabinet that controls all of DC's moves and marketing meant their statement literally! So look for Bruce Wayne to be gay in Batman Rebirth if my assessment of the situation is accurate. It probably is because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

The Commentary
The last issue ended with Midnighter obviously dying. He died so obviously that it was practically on-panel and if he isn't dead when this issue begins, I'll be really angry about what an unrealistic turn this comic book has suddenly taken. I might even think to myself, "Well, you did just point out that it was only practically on-panel so he may not have even been on the ship when it exploded. Plus there are at least a dozen ways already written for getting out of many cliffhangers. Of course they all revolve around the action suddenly being different than it was in the previous scene. But good old Steve Orlando wouldn't pull any of that shit on his lovely readers, would he? I wish I had some carrot cake right now." I probably could have ended that fantasy before the carrot cake but then I would have been leaving out the best bit.

But the most obvious answer is right on the cover. Somehow Apollo saved Midnighter from certain death. Maybe he desperately needed some dick and he just happened to be making a booty call when the ship blew up. Or maybe it was something far less juvenile. My brain only has the one setting.

It turns out Midnighter gave Apollo a framed photo of his younger self which was also an emergency booty call line. If Midnighter wasn't riddled with bullets, he might be able to play the whole thing off as some sorely needed ex-sex. But I think Midnighter is just going to have to eat crow on this one and be honest about how he just needed Apollo for his heroics as opposed to his hero dick.

I hope it gets romantic from here on out!

Thinkfast is an idiot. Why does a gunman need to touch the hammer on a semi-automatic rifle? Also that might be a real question that somebody could answer because I'm also an idiot who really knows nothing about guns. Although I do know that I was excited to see Jonah Hex will be on next week's Legends of Tomorrow!

Amanda Waller and Henry Bendix have everything they need to create their version of Superman. His name is Unified and he's the son Apollo and Midnighter would have had if that were biologically possible. Speaking of Apollo and Midnighter's child, where has Jenny Quantum been? I would think Midnighter would have kept in touch.

Midnighter's thoughts couldn't be further from a little girl he once thought of as a daughter as he sits naked in Apollo's bed saying all of the things that will lead to a rigorous bout of fucking. His fight computer is also a foreplay computer, remember! I say "remember" like that's canon revealed in a previous issue and not what it really is: just a thing we all know is true.

How cute. Apollo has a Superman mug.

Henry Bendix informs Amanda that Midnighter is still alive and that it's a good thing. Because now Henry can hone in on Midnighter to open teleport doors so the Suicide Squad can attack Spyral. Since The New 52 began, members of the Suicide Squad don't die. Some almost died early on but Amanda had a formula to resurrect them. Eventually some of them blew up due to using the formula too much but that's been about it on the death front. I think the name suicide in Suicide Squad is meant to be ironic now. Although they've got a new guy on the team who Midnighter can't stand, so I have a feeling Thinkfast! will die this issue. Poor Thinkfast! We hardly knew you. Or your actual name.

Helena takes down Captain Boomerang and Midnighter pierces Parasite's heart with a harpoon. But he'll be okay because he still has Midnighter's healing powers. Not that Midnighter would care if Parasite died. I just mention that so nobody thinks somebody other than Thinkfast! is actually going to die this issue.

Why do people with death wishes keep joining Task Force X? As I've pointed out, nobody ever dies! They're never going to get their wish! Even stupid Thinkfast!

Thinkfast! should get a sidekick named Hertz Donut.

The Unified is up and running and Henry Bendix sends it to Modora to teach them a lesson. Good thing the DC Youniverse has so many little countries that have no innocents living there and can't really be categorized as any actual race in the real world. Or, you know, it might look bad! Modora is just full of sort of white guy terrorists from one of those tiny Eastern European areas where all the jerks decided to live.

Apollo and Midnighter meet Henry, Amanda, The Unified, and the Suicide Squad in Modora for a good old fashioned final issue beatdown. I have no idea if the next issue will be the final issue or not because I'm too lazy to figure out when Rebirth begins.

Bloodlines #1

Oh joy! A comic book series based on the worst summer annual crossover of DC's history and written by one of my least favorite comic book writers!

The Review
Bloodlines wants to be Teen Titans and fails miserably. Mostly because Teen Titans uses established characters that people care about and completely fucking ruins them. This book uses new characters that nobody cares about yet and begins building something that might actually work for some readers. I can't totally put aside my bias of J.T. Krul but I'll try to be fair and diplomatic and simply rate this book on its own merits and not on my memories of New 52 Green Arrow #1-3 and New 52 Captain Atom. I'll try but it's as difficult as stretching a limb ravaged by scar tissue. The best thing I can say about this book is that it might be worth investing in the first one or two issues to see if at least one of the characters does something for you. I felt most of them were formulaic and cliche relying on common tropes in place of real characterization. The reason for this is that there are a lot of characters to introduce in a short amount of time and Krul just doesn't have the space to elaborate on their personalities. So he throws out a few recognizable traits on each character so the reader feels like they're left with an understanding of each one. If he develops them further in the subsequent issues and turns them into complex personalities rather than shallow stereotypes, maybe he'll be able to create the next X-men or Teen Titans. Probably not but I said I was going to try to be fair. And that seems like a fair, if improbable, statement!

The Commentary
The people at my local comic book shop apparently don't read my blog because they stuck this book by J.T. Krul in my pull box. Or they do read my blog and they're huge assholes who think they're hilarious. Whatever the case, I paid for this comic book so I guess I'm going to read it. I guess.

Forget about J.T. Krul authoring this book. The title itself, Bloodlines, doesn't inspire any kind of confidence in the material. When people think of 90s comic books, they can't help but think of mega-violence, pouches, women with completely (as opposed to the normal 'just partially') distorted bodies, Image comics, poor writing, and the speculative market. But one thing that doesn't get discussed quite as much is how publishers were rushing to grab copyrights and licensing of as many characters as they could due to the rise of Image's push towards creator owned characters. Marvel and DC seemed to think if they could think up and trademark every potential hero name, creators would be forced to use their characters. DC and Marvel would make all the money from licensing that the characters would eventually make in the future when they inevitably became super popular. This was the basic reason behind Bloodlines. It was a summer annual crossover event where dozens of new superheroes were created because an alien race activated all of the metagenes on the planet (or something. I can't be bothered to remember the particulars). Eventually only Hitman and possibly one or two others would become popular enough to enter the legion of DC's heroes. Most of them were horrible garbage. But that's what happens when you create a bunch of heroic names with no tie to any kind of backstory or personality in a corporate brainstorming meeting. I suppose the writers and artists were allowed to come up with their concepts on their own and I'm just being cynical. How else would you explain Garth Ennis coming up with Hitman, a guy who doesn't really give a shit about his new powers except that they now allow him the added ability to murder other people with super powers. So Ennis!

This whole explosion of new characters being created and trademarked by the corporations was spoofed by Dave Sim in Cerebus when he had Spore (the Cockroach's then current incarnation) explode into a bunch of different Roaches with little trademark symbols next to their names. At the end of Grant Morrison's Doom Force, a parody of nineties comics, he had two or three pages where he just listed names of new potential heroes. It was a sad state of affairs. It's no wonder comic book companies like to blame speculation for the downfall of comics in the nineties instead of looking inward at the things they did to cause the crash. DC and Marvel became so frightened of what Image represented that they threw out every model of making comics that had worked up until that point and decided to follow Image's lead. The only problem was most of the guys at Image had no fucking clue what they were doing. A high majority of the art and writing sucked and they were stumbling about on the business end (although, admittedly, some of them spent the necessary time to work through the business aspect even if it was at the expense of their comic books. People like Jim Lee who just put their shoulders to the grindstone and figured it the fuck out). None of that mattered though. Image was paving a new way that simply caused DC and Marvel to lose their senses and their shit. I never bought an Image book back in the nineties because none of art ever appealed to me. They were a young company that didn't totally know what they were doing and they made a lot of mistakes. But they laid the foundation for the Image of today which publishes the best books on the shelves because they're creator controlled. Image publishes the best ideas of comic book writers and artists because why would any writer or artist waste their best ideas on work for hire when Image will let you retain ownership and control? That seems like a better deal than a "created by" line that might pay a pittance in royalties.

I don't know how much of the previous is preamble to the plot of this new Bloodlines book and how much is just stalling so I don't have to read it. Oh geez. Well, here I go!

It begins promising enough with no Narration Boxes instantly over-explaining everything as something from space crashes to Earth.

Although, let's face the facts, prey animals would not be coming up to investigate this disaster. What prey animals do when there is a loud noise and light is try to hide behind or run faster than other prey animals because the only way they live is for one of their loved ones to die.

Once the deer turns into Superfawn™, the other prey flee. I suppose a giant ball of fire crashing into the ground isn't something their instincts register as a predator so they were just curious. But when Superfawn™ growls at them, they recognize that as danger and skedaddle. Anyway, we now know that something from the sky is transforming creatures on Earth! Also that deer apparently have the meta-gene.

On page three, the Narration Boxing begins. Whew. I thought I was going to have to figure out the character's motivations without any help.

The first character we meet is the guy who will soon become the big muscular blue guy on the cover. You can tell because they share the same hair style. But right now, he's not big or blue or muscular. He's just a skinny kid with some kind of physical disability affecting his legs. What I find truly unbelievable about this character already is that, before his leg muscles atrophied, he was both a skater and a morning person. Bullshit!

The destruction of his skating career by the betrayal of Eddie's legs isn't his only problem. He's also got a caretaker mother that doesn't seem to give a shit about him. She's too busy telling him not to eat the sugared cereal she bought for him! And getting ready for work! And probably being super hot underneath that cardigan and long skirt!

So Eddie goes to school to run into some more kids who will be part of his Bloodlines crew. One of them is Albert who is the smartest person at his school. Every good team needs "the smartest genius who ever geniused" on their team! It's a good thing Narration Boxes exist because it's easier to just tell the readers that a character is the biggest genius in the world than to have to portray them that way. It's hard to write smart characters when you're just a writer of average intelligence or worse. Believe me, I know!

Nobody fucking cares about your blogapalooza. And how dare you remind me of J.T. Krul's abysmal Green Arrow run!

Here we meet Dana. She's a female but--get this--she's not like other females! I don't think that's supposed to be as insulting as it sounds. I don't know how it's not supposed to be insulting to females but then I'm not a female. I'm a guy so the only thing I really thought while reading this page was "I wonder how naked she gets during her Blogapalooza posts?"

Meanwhile at a gas station, another member of the Bloodlines group, Faith, is about to star in the obligatory "creepy guys being creepy who need to have extreme violence perpetrated on them" scene. It's become status quo for a writer to write a scene that says, "Hey, women. I'm on your side. See how this guy told a woman to smile and then got his teeth knocked out? Or this other guy got too touchy on the dance floor at the club and had to have his arm broken? How about the guy who said something disgusting who needed to learn what a concussion felt like?" Although the scene simply ends with the guy checking out Faith's mom's ass. So it's possible the guy is actually a maniac who is going to kidnap Faith and her mom only to wind up being one of the Bloodlines' crew's first victims.

I don't mind stories having moments that are basically just messages saying, "Hey, guys. Stop being creepy fucks." But as a pacifist, I feel some of these scenes go way overboard just to get a certain audience on board. The violent punishment meted out to a guy who asks a woman to smile doesn't seem justified. I get that it's a fantasy moment but it doesn't really work for me when it's repeated in every fucking comic book I read and every goddamned super hero show on television. But then again, I'm just a guy who previously mentioned how all I could think about was how naked one of the female characters got on her blog. So I have selfish reasons for not wanting guys to get the shit kicked out of them for being pigs.

Next up, the readers need to be introduced to Haley!

Oh look! You thought it was going to be man, didn't you, you sexist! Nope! She's a woman that isn't like other women!

Haley is the tough-as-nails chick with tats and piercings and highlighted hair who also works on cars while letting her coveralls slide off to reveal her hot body! I bet her tough exterior hides a poet's soul! She's the one on the cover that looks like a cross between Doomsday and Wolverine and a woman I want to fuck.

Reading J.T. Krul's "writing" has made me so cynical that I've become an insensitive bastard! Normally I'm like, "Women are...". Hmm. Maybe I'm normally not like anything because I can't think of something romantic and not creepy to call women that wouldn't also sound like I'm objectifying them and merely saying things I think they'd want to hear so that they'd think I want to get to know them for more than their bodies. Which I totally do! I mean, as much as I want to get to know men for more than their bodies. Which is basically not at all. Maybe I should just say "Women are women are women are women." Gertrude Stein probably would have said that!

The next character we need to meet is Blake! Blake is the guy on the cover holding the flaming gun. He's a man so I won't judge his character according to his gender like I did with Dana and Haley. To be fair, I wasn't so much judging them on their gender as judging the way J.T. Krul was introducing them as female characters. This is all part of that "subtle" thing I was referring to back in my commentary on The Darkseid War Special #1! Blake is a black man which I'm only mentioning because it would be odd for me to not mention it. Although I didn't mention that Eddie was originally white before he turns blue. So now I've got an old man fishing in a boat's voice in the back of my head telling me I'm prejudiced. Fuck you, old man! I'll drown you!

Blake and Haley have had sex. I wish they'd had sex within the pages of this comic book and not in the past. Why do writers always leave out the best parts of their story? Since Blake probably won't be having sex with Haley ever again, he and his buddy Ricky are going to go beat up some local druggies. So I guess Blake is an asshole.

Now that all of the main characters have been introduced, it's time for the late night party where everything goes wrong! The party is out in a field near the woods which means it's going to be interrupted by Superfawn™!

Yeesh. I can't think of a worse way to go than being rutted by Superfawn™.

Upon seeing his friend killed, Eddie turns into a potential lawsuit with Marvel over the Beast trademark. I guess everybody's metagenes have already been activated by the arrival of the comet that spawned Superfawn™. Eddie rips off the mutant deer's head but it's too late. Graham dies having never known the intimate touch of a living being that wasn't a mutated stag. As Eddie's rage dissipates into sadness, he turns back to normal. So I guess he's only superficially like Beast and more like The Incredible Hulk.