Bombshells #10

Why is there a man on the cover? Ugh.

Rating: No change.

There was a moment in this issue where I found myself thinking, "I'm almost out of Swedish Fish." Which is to say I wasn't concentrating closely on the reading material. Which suggests I might have grown a bit bored with this story. Sure, the issue had my full attention when Selina was ripping off her dress or when she was kissing Kate and, presumably, cupping her pudenda, or when Zatanna's fantastic cleavage almost had its own double splash page. But overall, I felt a bit icky. I mean, I get that it's fun and sexy to rewrite World War II fought by a secret organization of Bombshells. But in another way, it's saying some things that feel disrespectful to the memories of those who suffered through the Nazi genocide. "If only an American with a baseball bat and legs up to her vagina (you know, like normal legs!) could have rallied the Jewish people to fight back against the Nazis! If only a Wondrous Woman could have inspired the German soldiers to reclaim their humanity through bravery and standing up against political and cultural forces to deny the evil of their leading regime! If only all of the victims had done something differently or had a better leader, maybe things would have turned out better! The whole thing kind of feels like blaming the victims of World War II for not having enough gumption and American rebelliousness to prevent the tragedies that befell them!

On the other hand, I don't really care about that shit. I just want more women using their fingers and tongues and toes on each other!

The New Titans #59 (October 1989)

Answer: Foe! I think. Anyway, Wildebeest is a doctor. I think. I mean, he’s still not who anybody thinks he is. I think. Basically, Marv Wolfman created a super villain whom he became so enamored of that he just kept making each new super villain Wildebeest. So every few issues, the Titans stop Wildebeest but then it turns out they didn’t stop him at all because Wildebeest is a tricky fucker! So in this issue, they capture a doctor who must be Wildebeest because he’s got the suit and the computer and the Cyborg fail-safe. But — GASP! — his mind shuts off when he’s captured and then the comic ends with Wildebeest watching Kory and Dick fuck in the sky while laughing! Double gasp!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

The Robins only care about restoring Batman's memory because he hasn't paid allowance for six months.

I don't normally post on Facebook because I'm way too facetious for most of my family. Every now and then, I'll post something on a whim. Like today I posted this: "Since I don't currently have a child, pet, or meal to photograph, I'll just say God doesn't exist. Enjoy!" People who aren't instantly butthurt by the idea that an atheist has a right to express their viewpoint just like Christians might possibly get the joke. People post lighthearted shit on Facebook and it's generally of the same few topics. I didn't have a picture of any of those, so I said God doesn't exist and asked people to enjoy my share. Even if I don't believe in God, it's obviously a fucking joke, right? "I don't have any bullshit to share so here's something heavy as fuck!" I mean, I don't think declaring God doesn't exist is heavy but, well, you know. It's Facebook! Anyway, my aunt follows up with this:

Shirt Boy is just a nickname for my deceased cat Judas. She knows he's dead. Now she thinks it's cute to use his loss to testify about God and heaven! But what the fuck is up with those emoticons?! Is she laughing about my dead friend?! Those better be tears of sorrow, bitch! I'm calling the emoticon a bitch and not my Aunt! Maybe!

The Non-Certified Spouse decided to take the question literally and explain that Judas is nowhere because he's dead. Also he's not with any God. He's just dead. He's in the backyard under a statue garden I set up which includes some Sailor Moon figures. So my Aunt continues her kindhearted Christian line of questioning.

Holy shit, Melva! Slow your roll!

I had typed out "Yes, he's currently sucking the devil's cock while being raped by demons." But then I deleted it because I already started some shit I didn't mean to start by being lighthearted and facetious in the first place. Some might not think a statement about sucking Satan's cock and being raped by demons is lighthearted. Which is why I sometimes get into this small scale bullshit on Facebook. It's one of the reasons I rarely respond to people because they're all so fucking serious about everything! I don't even mind she said my beloved friend of fifteen years is in hell! Because it's silly. I know exactly where he is! I wonder if I should dig him up for a picture and post it to Melva's wall? "Heeeeeeeeeere's Shirtboy!"

Being too serious about everything is super lame! And yes, person whose going to call me out for using the word because they need to feel some kind of power in their meager lives, I mean "lame" in the ableist way and not in the modern way which in no way is meant to be a slight against people like Donald Blake! He's so fucking lame he can't even tell Jane Foster he loves her! I mean, maybe he can and has already. I have never read a modern Marvel comic book about Thor!

Time to take seriously a comic book about a bunch of kids who think a psycho with a bat fetish is their dad!

Ooh! Genevieve Valentine is scripting this issue! Be still my aching penis!

The Robins are having a tough time figuring out where to begin to stop Mother's plans. But Dick Grayson has an idea!

Damian had to say "Grayson" because saying "Dick" here would have been to ambiguous.

It's time for Damian to tell all of the Robins about how much of a gigantic pusshole Batman really was! I bet Damian once walked into him weeping over family pictures of all of his children and mumbling through a snot waterfall, "I love you all! You're all so special in your own ways and cock sizes! But for some idiotic reason that I can't comprehend because it feels like some jerkoff editors are controlling my life, I can never tell them how much they all mean to me!"

I was close with my "special in your own ways and cock sizes" prediction.

Damian pulls out his cock and shows the others it's bigger than all of theirs combined. Metaphorically! Don't be disgusting! He's just a little boy! Eugh. Why would you even think I meant that literally, you perv?!

While the Robins come up with a plan that's better than "Let's give up!", Mother activates the Ichthys Protocol. Or Subroutine. Or Virus. Whatever. She turns on the satellite that will make all of the children of the world into her soldiers. Or dead. Or, I suppose, not her soldiers and not dead. I mean, Jason Todd fought against Ichthys. I'm sure a few other random kids will too. But they won't be important to the story so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned them!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. That Plus Two was absolutely earned because of Genevieve's script and the scene with Damian and Bruce. I'm so sick of angry, psychotic, grim Bruce Wayne! That moment was the truest Batman I've ever read! Okay, that was hyperbole. Maybe I should have said, "That was the truest Batman I can remember reading!" That's better because I really don't remember much of what I read. What a waste of life, right?! Why do I even bother if I only retain about ten percent of any media I consume! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't even spell "idiot" right the first time I typed it! I'm the worst!

No. Wait. My aunt is the worst!

Batgirl #49

Tempest?

Rating: No change.

Dear Diary,
For the past few weeks, I've had this big time jerk rooting around in my memories while I slept! I hope he wasn't rooting around in anything else, the perv! Luckily I don't have any memories of doing it with anybody! How embarrassing that would have been! Although I do have memories of masturbating furiously in my sleeping bag in sixth grade camp while thinking about how Tony Gagliore rubbed up against while he was getting his lunch tray! I hope Fugue didn't sell that memory to anybody because it would probably get big bucks! Although I'm underage in the memory so that's gross. Does it count as child pornography if I remember myself at an earlier age doing dirty things to myself?! I hope not because that memory of Tony rubbing up against me still does it for me! Hmm, now that I have my memories back, I seem to remember the water pressure in this apartment is sexy. I'll be back later to tell you about the big fight the girls and I had with Fugue!

P.S. That memory really does do something to me! You wouldn't believe the swamp I made in my underwear, Diary! Eww! But "Eww!" in a good way! BIG MANGA WINK!

The Omega Men #9

DC actually did something really smart by not ruining the travel poster cover with a fucking advert for Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us.

Rating: +1 Ranking. Can this be a movie? But not a movie ruined by Hack Snyder? A movie directed by somebody who is good at directing movies. Like, um, I don't know any good directors. What about Lexi Alexander? I bet she'd kill this shit.

If all comic books told a story as well put together as this, people would lose their shit because they would be spending way too much money on comic books every month.

Swamp Thing #3

Time to write an insightful piece about old school Swamp Thing in moder...booooooooooooooooobies.

I think Americans would get more work done if the female breast were demystified in our culture. I don't mean in a feminist way because guys are going to want to touch any boob they see no matter how much enlightenment is shoved down their throats. I just mean that if female nipples were ubiquitous, men (and lesbians!) wouldn't spend so much time and effort trying to get glimpses of them. Or thinking about what they might look like! Because now all I can think about are the various possible nipple configurations hidden away under Zatanna's waistcoat! I'm also wondering what her puckered little butthole looks like but that's probably less men (and lesbians!) in general and more me and my kinks.

Now I'm also wondering what Swamp Thing's butthole looks like. Did he bother to form one in his need to look like a human while composed of plants? He doesn't feel the need to build a cock on his body which strikes me as something that should be pursued in a Swamp Thing story. How much effort does it take to build a body that looks human? How much thought is put behind the details? If it's subconscious, why doesn't Alec have a penis on his body? What's his hangup? Is it possibly it's just hidden by loose foliage? Does he imagine himself with a vagina which is far less noticeable on his flora covered body? Why would he take the time to create individual toes when he can't be bothered to sling a penis on? I think it's time for a new Anatomy Lesson story arc!

I can't think up too many times when bringing up The Origin of Species was less fitting!

Being a master of tortured introductions to a piece of writing, this one takes the cake and eats it too. Survival of the Fittest has nothing to do with two different kinds of organisms trying to kill each other! It's not about a snake being better suited to survive than a plant man in the swamps of Louisiana! If I were a righteous nerd who had no trust in my audience (can I call three people an audience? Yes, probably!), I'd over-explain this bit and possibly take umbrage with the ease in which Len Wein replaces the term "natural selection" with "survival of the fittest." But I'll presume (finally!) that my caption was enough to make the reader snort and say, "Right!?!"

Ignoring the idiocy of Len Wein's introduction, why on earth is a boa constrictor attacking a plant? It must have a personal grudge against Swamp Thing. Maybe Buddy Baker asked it to fuck with Swamp Thing because Buddy Baker is a drunk, lonely dick.

Some guy with a shotgun happens by and shoots the boa constrictor in two while Swamp Thing wrestles with it. That's pretty fucked up, dude with the shotgun. I don't mean killing the snake when it probably didn't need to be killed! I mean using a shotgun as if it's as accurate as a rifle! Swamp Thing surely took a good portion of buckshot to his face with that blast.

Swamp Thing explains to the overenthusiastic hunter that he and the snake were just pulling an Inspector Clouseau and Cato Fong! Now I wish one of the Pink Panther movies would have done this scene with some passerby hearing the ruckus and barging in to shoot Cato in the head.

The guy with the gun explains that he's Matt Cable and Swamp Thing forgives him immediately while they blow each other. Afterwards, they catch up. Matt explains that he's been searching for a cure for Swamp Thing. Surprisingly, Swamp Thing doesn't explode with outrage about how his condition doesn't need to be "cured" so that he'd be "normal".

Absinthe needs to be more demystified than boobs. It's nothing more than really strong alcohol that tastes like guzzling Prell shampoo. What people are generally looking for when they seek out The Green Fairy would be best sought in LSD or magic mushrooms.

Matt Cable explains how he spent his life savings to find Nanda Parbat. Swamp Thing doesn't tell him that he could have taken Matt there for free. Why burst Matt's balloon when he's telling a tale of such sacrifice for friendship? Although it's a good thing Swamp Thing didn't let Matt into Nanda Parbat or else he might be partially accountable for Matt's theft of the Hand of Fatima! Apparently it's a limited Monkey's Paw in that it only grants one wish. Plus, seeing that it's a holy reliquary and not a black magic animal paw, the wish probably won't be cursed.

Matt and Alec take the hand to Zatanna because she's easier to deal with than Madame Xanadu. Zatanna likes to help her friends while Madame Xanadu just uses them to run errands for her in the name of "saving the world."

Before Zatanna invokes the hand, she keeps asking Alec and Matt if they're ready and willing to pay the price of the spell. Both she and Matt are acting as if they know the price of the spell yet they refuse to be honest with Alec about what will transpire. It seems like a dick move because they're both acting like Matt is somehow not going to survive. Or maybe he's simply going to trade places with Alec so that Alec will have to live the rest of his life in Matt's shitty body. I know I'd be a little bit pissed off if two of my "friends" kept implying that I'd be returned to normal when they knew that wasn't exactly the case at all. This is some kind of Madame Xanadu bullshit!

When the ritual is complete, Alec has his body back. So at least that part was true. But Matt Cable has now become the Swamp Thing. That seems like something Zatanna should have mentioned. I get why Matt didn't say anything because he's just another guy seeking power and immortality (probably!). But Zatanna is supposed to be Alec's friend! How hard is a little transparency about the results of invoking a holy reliquary? Alec may as well have gone to Constantine.

Swamp Thing #3 Rating: No change. Zatanna spends the entire comic in her low cut nightshirt. You'd think she could have at least dressed for company. Unless her nightshirt was actually her wizard's robes? I'm guessing it was her pajamas though since she was lying on her fainting couch (presumably masturbating) when Matt and Alec walked in on her with their decaying hand. Aside from that strange bit which I totally had a real and not a facetious problem with because a man would have been given a full outfit, this issue was everything I expected it to be. That's probably not a good review since you have no idea what that I was expecting a mediocre comic book with an old timey vibe and weird-ass, non-erotic Kelly Jones art.

Midnighter #10

This is going to be an analogy about sucking cock, right?

Whenever anybody begins any sentence with "Even as a kid...", I know I'm talking to one of the most boring fucks alive. Because you know that sentence is going to end with explaining to me how mature and adult their thought process was when they were young. Who wants to brag about that?! "Even as a kid, I had a huge fucking stick up my ass and couldn't completely lose myself in nonsense and whimsy." Some of you might be thinking, "Tess, what does this have to do with Midnighter?" Others of you might be thinking, "Welcome back, Tess! We've missed you!" You see, I've made a decision. I'm probably going to write a lot more of these than I have been but not as many as I used to. If I'm feeling in the mood, I'll possibly write one per day until the end of the comic book week and then I'll finish up the stack with short reviews. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to fucking worry about how huge my stack of comics are and just write other shit I want to write. I'm also going to masturbate more to the sound of women masturbating. Oh. You know what. Forget that last part. That was probably too much information.

It's sentences like that one about masturbation that keep me from getting advertising on this site! So click the Donate button and help a brother buy some female masturbation porn.

When last issue ended, Midnighter was getting his ass kicked by some guy named Thinkfast! or Monday Morning Quarterback. Or something. It was an exciting fight because Midnighter was all, "I can see what you're going to do before you even do it!" And Thinkfast! was all, "I already saw that you saw what I was going to do and decided to do something that you didn't know I was going to do!" And Midnighter was all, "Ouch!" Thinkfast! was a new member of the Suicide Squad who were after Midnighter because he took that thing they were trying to take which was some pistol that shoots demons.

Midnighter's buddy (I hate to use the term "buddy" if he's Midnighter's boyfriend but I can't remember their relationship so "buddy" will have to do) has been left at the scene to chastise Helena Bertinelli when she shows up.

I hate when other people try to manipulate me! And I'm, um, conveniently blind when I manipulate others.

Midnighter is allowing himself to be held by Amanda Waller while he finds out what she wants from him. Amanda needs to remember that no comic book exists called "Amanda Waller" and so she's always going to be the one being fed her own asshole by the person who does have their name on the cover of a comic book. I suppose "Suicide Squad" is technically her book where she gets to prepare and serve other people's assholes but only occasionally. Often she has to watch as Deadshot or Harley fry her asshole up in a pan until it's medium rare and then serve it with a little garnish and some mashed potatoes.

Here we see Amanda Waller taking the opportunity to practice serving up asshole. She's excellent at it!

Amanda threatens Midnighter for a bit before he escapes his bonds and begins killing her guards. She leaves the room with a smile so it's possible Amanda wanted this to happen. That's the problem with a sneaky git like Waller! She's better than Bertinelli--Hell! She's better than Batman!--at manipulating the people around her. Hopefully before Midnighter escapes Belle Reve, Deadshot will catch up with him for that dick measuring thing.

Midnighter escapes using a Squad ship which is able to track down the Suicide Squad who are currently moving Henry Bendix to a safer location. Bendix is just as big a jerk in the DC Youniverse as he was in the old universe whose name I forgot. Just DC Universe, maybe? So while Amanda wants to keep him safe so they can work together on a project to enslave humanity, the Suicide Squad might not care enough about his safety to risk getting murdered by Midnighter. Although according to the cover, Parasite won't be able to resist snacking on Midnighter.

Best panel since The New 52 began or best panel ever?

I was exaggerating in that last caption. I didn't actually mean that was the best moment in DC Comics over the last four years. I just meant it was a fucking good moment. But then I realized that declaring something the best on the internet is just asking for a bunch of people to start telling me the actual best moments (all different) and who the fuck wants to hear a bunch of people with awful opinions tell me things that aren't even close to being true?

Although if people wanted to point out some of their favorite moments, I wouldn't totally dismiss them outside of my own private thoughts.

Midnighter dodges a bunch of bullets before he finds the one bullet that will hit him in a spot that will fool Lawton into thinking he's dropped Midnighter but which won't actually hurt that badly. Then when Deadshot closes in on Midnighter instead of shooting him from a distance because Deadshot is apparently stupid, Midnighter crushes Lawton's hands. Too bad for Midnighter, Parasite has begun siphoning away Midnighter's healing powers. Although too bad for everybody who isn't Midnighter, Midnighter never loses. So this whole bit where the Squad suddenly has the upper hand? That'll be over in a few pages. Unless this is the shocking cliffhanger ending! And then we'll just have to wait another month before Midnighter defeats everybody and fucks the prince.

Turns out this is the cliffhanger ending! Midnighter is thrown unconscious onto the ship he flew in on and shot up into the sky where Harley triggers it to self-destruct. Maybe this wasn't a cliffhanger ending at all! Maybe this was just an ending! How come cliffhanger endings never end poorly? Is the hero coming out of it alive a necessary part of the cliffhanger? Would this still be a cliffhanger if next issue was just twenty pages of debris and pieces of Midnighter raining down over the city?

Midnighter #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why isn't this book surviving the Rebirth? Why do people hate Midnighter? Especially when he's written this well? Especially when he's having exciting adventures? Especially when his sexuality is being treated with dignity? It's also possible that DC screws all of its minor characters by concentrating on Superman and Batman which creates a fan base that only likes Superman and Batman and doesn't buy anything without those characters in it thus forcing DC to concentrate even more on just Superman and Batman. Maybe DC plans on making Midnighter the main star of Action Comics!