Eclipso: The Darkness Within: The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)

Guy Gardner AND Lobo on the cover of a '90s comic book? This issue must have sold a trillion copies!

The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)
By Robert Loren Fleming, Bob McLeod, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

• I've been trying to interpret this cover for three days now. Here's what I've concluded: Superman's right side has been Eclipsed which is why his right arm and right bollock¹ are so massive. Lobo has shoved his hook up his own ass to stimulate his Czarnian prostate because it makes killing feel so much better. With Lobo about to bite into Superman's midsection, this might be the first cover by an artist who understood the true meaning of Lobo's name². Superman has shoved Krypto up his ass to lick his prostate which is why he's currently having a screaming orgasm. He didn't do it in anticipation of this battle; he was just doing it for kicks when he was attacked by Lobo. Guy Gardner, not being the best at smarts, believes a gigantic fireball made out of yellow light will harm Superman and/or Lobo. It's also possible he was so late to the battle that he has yet to get his yellow fireball up his ass so that it massages his prostate while he, oh, I don't know, sucks Lobo's dick? Is that how everybody else sees this cover? Seems pretty logical to me. • This is the final Eclipso: The Darkness Within annual that I have to read unless I find the Green Arrow and The Demon annuals. I know I have The Demon annual with my run of Grant and Semieks series. But was I getting Green Arrow at the time? That doesn't seem possible. The only time I remember purchasing Green Arrow of my own free will³ was when Kevin Smith was writing it. But I wasn't reading most of these other series that I purchased the annuals for so it's weird that I don't have Green Arrow. Maybe I've just always hated him that much and I couldn't bear to spend the money on it. I probably thought, "I could play a full game of Cyberball for two dollars and fifty cents instead!"

I'm going to guess that Lobo was so drunk that he just assumed he was in Antarctica when he visited the Fortress and saw the snow and polar bears.

• You know what? I give up. I always figured Superman's Fortress of Solitude was in the Arctic but enough writers keep putting it in the Antarctic that I'm simply tired of fighting it. I'm glad they finally put it in the Bermuda Triangle. Or wherever the fuck it is now. It's been in so many different places, no wonder no writer can keep it straight.

• When I was a young prepubescent dimwit of moderate energy, I once decided to dig a hole in my backyard. Not a small hole. No, this was going to be the biggest hole anybody had ever seen since the Chicxulub crater was discovered. And since this possibly took place before that was discovered, it was going to simply be the biggest hole. I dug down about two feet but the diameter of the hole was near four feet. It was about that time that I uncovered something that looked a lot like that disgusting L.E.G.I.O.N. member scanning the Antarctic for Superman except that it was brown. I had no idea what it was but when I hit it with my shovel, it split open and oozed what I'm assuming was all of its gooey life essences out into the dirt. I had no idea what it was and didn't even consider it was something living, some kind of pupa or chrysalis. But when I saw it rupture and spill vital fluids across the dirt, I freaked out. I threw down my shovel and ran inside the house to hide from, well, I don't know what I was hiding from. I was just completely creeped out. The hole remain undug for several years. I believe, at some point, long after the unheimlich of the incident had faded from my blood, my friends and I used the crater as a battle place for some kind of Warhammer game that wasn't exactly Warhammer but I can't remember what it was.

• Apparently as a young boy, "running inside the house to hide" was my go-to move. I also used to go out in the driveway late at night and shine a flashlight into the starry sky until I was sure that aliens had noticed me and were homing in on my location. I'd become a living goosebump and run inside to hide from the aliens. If they came knocking, they could take my mother. I'd be safe under my Scooby Doo blanket!

• In this comic book, we learn nothing. I was going to say one of two things but since you can't be sure which it is (among, I'm sure, an infinite amount of interpretations being that human beings are infinitely stupid and also finitely smart), you effectively learn nothing. Those two things that totally don't matter are this: Alfred totally wasn't in the SAS at all and he's a huge fucking liar and massive scaredy cat; or Alfred has an infinite amount of patience with Batman's wards and willingly indulges their stupid pranks to make them feel good.

I guess the fact that Alfred doesn't instantly kill Dick here isn't really proof that Alfred wasn't SAS. I guess.

• After Alfred shits his pants and/or puts away the blade that was mere seconds from going through Dick's eye and piercing his brain, he calls Dick a "scamp". That sounds like a slur for circus people!

• Nightwing's searching for Superman in the Batcave but Alfred is all, "No Superman here, according to the Batcave Sensors which, as you know, are especially dialed in to detect Superman so Batman can kill him." The fact that Nightwing looks for Superman in the Batcave after Superman's turned evil says a lot about the tenuous relationship between Clark and Bruce. Or Nightwing just figured that Superman had to hide from the sun as Eclipso so why not the Batcave? It's dark and full of people who would beat his ass when they discovered he was there. He might be a great trapeze artist with a stylish mullet and ponytail but he's a shit detective.

• Have you ever spent a few hours fantasizing about seeing Crimson Fox and Black Canary wrestle in shit? If so, you're in lucky, baby!

The guy with the waggly nose that's always sniffing out mysteries can't smell that the mud they're wrestling in is shit.

• If any superhero team ever needed a sexual harassment in the work place seminar, it's Justice League Europe. And I don't just meant the guys! The way Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, and Sue Dibny treated Captain Atom like a prime hunk of fat cock was just as hot and sexy⁴ as when Wally and Ralph did treated Power Girl like a sentient pair of tits.

• Booster Gold manages to locate Superman using a computer all by himself without any help at all, probably, from Skeets and an earpiece.

• For some reason, Wildebeest is hanging out with Booster, Fire, Ice, and Bloodwynd. I really don't fucking care to know why. I'm more interested in why Fire has blonde hair.

It's easy enough to answer: it's a coloring mistake. Her hair is green in every other panel. Boo. I want in-continuity reasons!

• If you're wondering where Blue Beetle is, he was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and taken to the Ozymandias's Band of Geniuses Building a Massive Alien Octopus and Light Gun to Shoot the Moon Island.

• Aquaman makes an appearance riding a Killer Whale and completely failing like always. He didn't get an annual because he sucks jellyfish dick⁵ and nobody would have purchased it in much the same way that I refused to purchase the Green Arrow annual.

• Everybody gathers on the side of the volcano where they've discovered Superman is hiding. Yes, even Aquaman. How's he going to help? I know, that's not fair. I could be asking the same question about Ice or Crimson Fox or Elongated Man or Black Canary. Not only are they going to battle Superman, they're going to do it inside of an active volcano. Is that why the cover depicts Guy and Lobo battling Superman? Because everybody else dies in the volcano in the first chapter?

• Guy Gardner makes his debut appearance (since undergoing his transformation in his three issue prestige format series) and really princesses it up. As if a white gloves, a pair of jeans, and cowboy boots are the hottest look of the year.

I've never seen Hal Jordan preen this badly and Hal loves to preen.

• Preen. Preeeeeeeen. Preeen. Preen. Sounds weird.

• I'm missing the next twenty pages of the comic book because I tore them out and replaced them with my own drawings of Guy Gardner and Lobo sucking and fucking each other like crazy. It's actually pretty romantic stuff. I like a little bit of sweetness and story to my hand-drawn pornography.

• Later we'll discover that Bloodwynd is really J'onn J'onzz in disguise. I'm not sure that was always supposed to be the plan or, if it was, nobody told Robert Loren Fleming because Bloodwynd tackles the volcano like a champ who isn't at all a Martian.

Wait. Did we also discover, later later, that Bloodwynd really did exist? But this version was J'onn, right? Fuck comic book continuity is so confusing.

• Lobo immediately gets his ass beat by Eclipso Superman because in 1992, the main way to show that somebody was really powerful was to have them defeat the Main Man. Every writer wanted to do a story where the hero they were writing defeats Lobo to show that they could best the absolute best. Which wound up making Lobo a huge punching bag who didn't seem capable of beating everybody. Also he was ass-raped in Hitman by Bueno Excellente which seemed, up, excessive?

• Metamorpho causes the volcano to erupt which ejects Superman and everybody else into the air. But it's moments too late as the sun just sets as Superman takes to the air. It seems the Earth is about to lose everything to Eclipso. And all because Superman gave himself to Eclipso to save the population of one small town. That would, of course, immediately be enslaved by Eclipso when Eclipso used Superman to take over the world. You know, Batman wouldn't have been so stupid. I mean, sure, Batman Eclipsed himself on purpose to defeat Eclipsed Joker. But he knew they'd wind up in a stalemate and the morning sun would interrupt their fight and save them both. Because he's no Superman⁶.

• All of the heroes who gathered at the volcano to stand around uselessly as the heroes with powers tried to stop Superman wind up being needed to save the villagers of the island escape the lava from the volcano which the heroes caused to erupt. They bring them to the ocean where there aren't enough boats for everybody so Aquaman brings in some whales leading to Nightwing saying the rarest statement in the history of DC Comics.

But I mean, did he? Really?

• Having a character exclaim that Aquaman saved the day makes it feel like Aquaman must not have actually saved the day or else why would readers need a massive shot of Nightwing enthusiastically stating it? This feels like Batman got Nightwing alone for a moment early in the morning and said, "If you get the chance, really play up Aquaman's part in the heroics. I feel like he's starting to think he's just as useless as we all know he is."

• Eclipso Superman beats the shit out of everybody for a few minutes until Guy Gardner, having raced to the sun and back in, presumably, sixteen minutes, brings back a big scoop of solar matter to dump in Superman's face. Then he tackles him into the volcano where Superman finally returns to normal and where Guy's boots, jeans, and white gloves don't burn off of his body. I guess the Sinestro ring is as good at protecting its host as the Green Lantern rings.

• All of the heroes and villains who have been Eclipsed are gathering at the crater in Arizona. Pantha is one of them which explains why Wildebeest was being babysat by Bloodwynd. I forgot exactly what happened during the Titans Annual because I re-read it a few years ago when I was re-reading the Titans series.

• Dick and Superman track down all of the missing scientists except Dick leaves Superman t find them himself because he has to go fight the Eclipsed Titans in a crater. So Superman goes on his own and walks into a trap! But it's just a trap for Eclipso in that Superman gets blasted with sunlight as he walks in on the scientists. But that's where this issue ends. As if readers are going to be all, "Oh no! Superman walked into a trap! He's done for!" He's fine! Just a little more powered up, probably!

The Ranking!
That's the end of The Darkness Within annuals! Only one book left: Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2! This annual was really good because Lobo and Guy Gardner and Lobo and Lobo and Guy Gardner and — you won't believe this one — Phase's ass. Hoo boy! What an ass! It may have excited me more than Lobo and Guy Gardner beating the shit out of Superman.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Bollock not depicted. But, believe me, it's fucking huge.
² In the Czarnian language, Lobo means "One who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it."
³ No, nobody forced me to purchase it without my consent. I added that condition because reading The New 52 Green Arrow wasn't my free will; it was just a necessary part of the project to read all of The New 52 books every month.
⁴ I mean despicable. I meant to say despicable!
⁵ They must have dicks, right? Big stinging danglers!
⁶ Meaning he's smart. Like how when I said Superman was no Batman, that meant Superman was dumb.

The New Titans #61 (December 1989)

Jericho is about to jerk off Speedy in the lower right hand corner.

A Lonely Place of Dying hasn't been as terrible a series as I expected. I figured the title itself would be my favorite part. It kind of makes me sad because it makes me think of a wounded cat going off to find somewhere peaceful to die. So I'm already emotionally invested because the saddest thing I can think of is a cat dying. The second saddest thing I can think of is an old man weeping about how he should have shot his own dog. Especially when that lesson is extrapolated to your best friend. That's pretty sad too, that George would just give up and shoot Lennie in the head before the murder squad chasing them does it. I wish Quentin Tarantino would remake Of Mice and Men so that it could end in a bloody shoot-out where George and Lenny blow the shit out of all the redneck farmers. He'd probably have to make a few other changes to make it palatable, like have Lennie framed for killing Curley's wife and maybe have her kill all of the puppies with the boot of her high heel. That way there's no arguable reason to put Lennie down! Of course then the ending has to be the failure of George and Lennie's rabbit farm. The final shot would be of the farm with an out of business sign and a pile of mangled rabbits.

Tim continues to try to get Dick into a Robin costume but Dick just yells at him and tells him to fuck off in the most Comics Code Authority way possible. He then rides off to find Batman.

I wish Judd Winick had believed this.

The entire story doesn't simply revolve around Batman's reaction to the death of Jason Todd and some punk kid presuming to think he can fix Batman because this chapter is in The New Titans. So the Titans get a few pages where they deal with a crank phone call.

Also Jericho comes on to Speedy. And judging by the cover, it works.

After not being able to find Nightwing last issue because the only thing they tried was paging him, Raven tracks him down instantly when Jericho needs to get rid of her to have some privacy with Speedy. She tracks him down using her powers of, um, feelings? and teleports directly to him. She has a recording of the message the crank phone caller left that can only be played on Dick's wrist computer (which I guess didn't have email in 1989? Not even Eudora or Lotus Notes? What good is Waynetech if they can't even make that shit portable?!).

Meanwhile, Speedy spurts all over Jericho's face. Don't worry, it's off-panel. But I pictured it in my head!

Nightwing figures out all the clues left him by Batman's crank phone call and meets up with Batman. No wonder Dick feels like Batman doesn't give a shit about him. What kind of a way is that to contact your son?! You can't just page him like everybody else? Oh! Nightwing's pager was presumably off. That's why the Titans trying to contact Nightwing was important! But Batman knew an alternate way of contacting Dick that wasn't too sappy or seemed too desperate or would end in some kind of intimate hug. Although the two do smile at each other when they meet up so I think that means they've reconciled?!

Batman crashes into the building to capture Two-Face (or fall into two traps) while Nightwing goes around back to block off Two-Face's retreat. I bet if Two-Face knew that Robin had recently died, he wouldn't be poking at the Batman like this. When Batman finally catches him, Two-Face will be glad that Nightwing was brought in so he can save Two-Face's life.

Nightwing turns on his homing beacon to let Alfred know they need help when he and Batman can't figure out Two-Face's plan. He's more responsible than I am. I'd never ask for help because I know Batman would yell at me afterward. I'd rather be dead in the collapsed building like Batman and Nightwing than have to face Batman's wrath. Oh yeah, Two-Face collapses the building on them! They're dead!

I mean, obviously they're not dead. But they need to be saved! And I'm sure Alfred will dress up like Batman to save them and not send an inexperienced young Master Drake in a Robin outfit instead. Right?!

The New Titans #61 Rating: B. Seriously, I don't know what's going on but Marv Wolfman's telling a pretty good story here. Although I wish it had a little more angst-ridden Batman rending his garments over poor dead Jason Todd. I know he's not prone to showing emotion but he can cry at least once, right?! I guess when he tells Dick, "I nee...I could use your help," that was him saying, "I'm so fucking lost right now, Dick. What the hell do I do now?! I can't even protect my sons!"

The New Titans #60

First time in my comic book reading history that I noticed how much Nightwing's symbol looks like the torso of a woman in a skimpy top.

It's difficult beginning a new New Titans comic book when I'd let myself believe I was finished reading them all. It's especially difficult to keep reading this comic book when the first page includes this warning:

You don't have to tell me twice!

Apparently my brain disagreed with its first assessment that the comic book didn't need to tell me twice because it reread the warning and idiotically read it correctly this time.

Dammit! Why did I already read Batman #440?! Now I'm practically locked into reading this!

Looking on the bright side for the second time in my life (the first time was when I realized that when I die, it'll most likely be in some horrible accident in which I won't have time to register that my life is ending and therefore I'll never actually know I've died, easing swiftly into the loving embrace of non-existence!), I thought, "Well, Batman #440 was written by Wolfman and it was a decent read. How terrible can this comic book be?!" But that pleasant thought was completely undone when the first panel reminded me of something I had yet to consider:

Fuck. Cyborg was still alive at this time. I'm fucking bored already!

Well, looking on the bright side that loves seeing a character yell "Booyah!" constantly, this comic book should be a real treat!

I do feel a little bit of white guilt creeping in around the corners when I voice my indifference of the most boring character in the DC Universe because he's Black. Especially with Donald Trump's recent explicitly racist tweets and the GOP's rush to hide behind other members of the GOP in the hopes that they won't have to shrug apathetically on camera when asked about the tweets. But it's not my fault that DC Comics chose to make their most boring character an Black American man! Would it help if I said some of my favorite DC characters were Black?

Nope. Just heard how that sounds. Not better!

Paragraph breaks don't do as much heavy lifting as I need them to. Sometimes after I've written some commentary, I'll wander off to another part of the Internet to take in some sights. Then when I come back, I sometimes want to discuss what I've just experienced. But going from one paragraph to another, readers just think they're reading it in real time as I wrote it. What I need are paragraph breaks that represent the amount of time I was away (but not what I was doing while I was away or they'd all be variations on "Gone five minutes. Jerked off to Sailor Moon porn where Rei surprises Usagi in the shower and teaches her how to masturbate" or "Gone ten minutes. Watched an erotic massage video and spent most of the time fiddling with the sound so the downstairs neighbors couldn't hear it. Turns out 3 out of 100 is still too loud for some women's orgasms" or "Gone three days. Couldn't take reading another Wolfman New Titans comic book and wound up just playing thirty games of Apex"). Between the last paragraph and this one, I went on Twitter where Andy Richter posted Fats Domino's version of The Beatles' "Lady Madonna." My only response after hearing it was, "Holy fuck." Seriously, I never want to hear The Beatles' shit version ever again!

I also just noticed in the above panel, Cyborg accidentally stuck his penis plug-in to the side of his face! Whoops!

Back in 1989, Cyborg wasn't capable of contacting anybody in the DC Universe immediately. So he's having trouble finding Dick Grayson. He tried his pager and...well, that's about it! It was 1989! If somebody wasn't sitting by their phone, you didn't have many other options when trying to contact them! This is probably one of the moments where much later DC editors looked back at Cyborg and realized he needed to be more powerful. I'm not arguing that he definitely needed to be more than a white noise gun that said "Booyah!" but they could have realized he needed to be interesting as well. Hell, it's not long after this issue that Marv Wolfman completely gives up on him and smashes him into bits.

Having no other options but to risk exposing Batman's secret identity by putting calls to Wayne Manor on the Titans phone records, Cyborg gives Bruce a call. I'd understand interrupting Batman's hectic life if the world were on fire but the big emergency right now is that some weird kid looking for Dick visited Kory while she was practically naked (no wait. She had a towel on after showering so her body was more covered than usual). Batman is busy dealing with Two-Face even though it's the middle of the day. I think maybe Alfred lied to Cyborg. I bet Batman's taking a shit.

Dick has gone back to Haly's Circus to find himself.

I bet these two clowns are actually old white land developers responsible for the circus failing! Their next trick will be to dress up like ghosts and zombies to scare everyone away!

A third clown named Harry comes out of a tent and passes out in Dick's arms. Can you imagine blacking out as a clown? You'd probably wake up in an unknown tent with no make-up covered in lion spit and shame.

Dick meets with Haly and is all, "I read about the circus closing down and I couldn't figure out why. But now that I'm here, I totally get it!" And Haly is all, "Fuck you, Dick! You try running a circus in 2019! I mean 1989! Oh, yeah, I guess I should probably still have been able to trick idiots into thinking freak sideshows and abusing animals was still cool."

Haly actually blames the failing of his circus on too much TV and too many video games. Obviously Super Mario, Tecmo Bowl, and Duck Hunt (hee hee! You thought, "Cunt!") were way more fun and interesting than sitting in a smelly tent being terrorized by people in greasy face paint but Haly really should take a little responsibility for his own business failings. Dick arrives and in ten minutes, he's already washed an elephant and kept a drunk clown from breaking his neck. Maybe get off your ass, Harry Haly, and fix up your shit.

Haly also mentions that there's been a rash of accidents that have kept the selling price of the circus down. I bet it was those fucking clowns!

He's talking about his penis so yes, Dick, he has to ask.

While at Haly's Circus, Dick Grayson witnesses the origin of Clown Batman!

Later, after Bozo Wayne grew to an adult and was wondering what direction to take, a clown crashed through his window.

Tensions are running high at the Haly Circus as some performers want the circus to be sold so they can move on and others just want things to remain unchanged.

Finally, a clown that makes me laugh!

During the show later, Wilhelm the lion tamer gets his throat ripped out before Dick can save him. Dick was disguised as a clown so Wilhelm probably bled out as Dick was struggling to take off the stupid shoes. Tim Drake is in the audience watching because he's smarter than the entire Titans team put together.

Later, Tim and Dick team up to find out who's been sabotaging Haly's Circus. It turns out it was the little person and the strong man. So typical! It's totally who I thought it was and not those two clowns from earlier. That was just a red herring I was throwing out to confuse you.

The team-up doesn't make me like Tim Drake any better. But then Tim makes an admission that warms my heart and I can't help but love the kid.

Wolfman knew what he was doing.

At the end of the day, Dick Grayson buys half of Haly's Circus to help keep it afloat (with Bruce's money). Then Tim shows him the pictures of Batman battling Ravager that he took in Batman #440. He pleads with Dick to go back to help Batman cope with the death of Jason Todd. "Batman needs Robin!" he argues like a nerd doing his thesis on Batman's inexplicable need to endanger minors. Dick takes the kid seriously because who else has ever figured out that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are Batman and Robin?! Only the smartest man on Earth and he won't do that for another twenty-five years!

The New Titans #60 Rating: B+. Apparently it's the Titans that make the Titans comic book suck. Concentrating on Dick Grayson and his relationship with Batman and the circus (and even this new upstart kid that loves Dick) causes Marv Wolfman to be at his best! My guess is that it's the lack of Cyborg that really makes the book shine.

The New Titans #63 (February 1990)

Don’t worry, Titans Fans! The team wasn’t terminated forty-something issues before the series finally ended! That would be weird, right? I guess Nightwing could have rehired Danny Chase and they could have restarted the group with a bunch of heroes worse than Speedy. Only Raven and Joey were killed in this issue. I mean almost killed! Jericho may as well have been killed because he looks foolish without his sideburns.

The Werewealthy have easily become the Titans biggest threat they’ve faced. But that’s what happens when you deal with all of your parental issues by beating up your fathers and then drop the Teen from your name and enter the adult world. You find out that the real enemies are rich assholes! And they’re the toughest enemies you’ll ever face! Not tough in a wears a denim jacket and smokes and rides a motorcycle around the baseball field and throws and hits well enough to save the worst team in the little league tough. They’re actually quite soft and pasty. But metaphorically, they’re super tough because they have so many resources and they have control of the American government because everybody knows money talks and votes are ultimately meaningless. Sure, we’ll all go to the polls and feel good (okay, only about 45% of us will probably go to the polls. And then that 45% will feel smug and look down on the 55% who didn’t go to the polls because they assume the people who didn’t vote would have voted their way when in reality there is a reason they didn’t vote and it’s because everybody sucks and laws are idiotic and we should all just do whatever we want like having orgies in the street (only in crosswalks because safety matters!) and set fires to bars because wouldn’t those go up spectacularly and write manifestos that ultimately make no sense and matter less than the vote that could have been cast) but the guys with money will continue to do whatever they want. Like turn into monsters and kick the shit out of the other 99% who can’t turn into monsters! Jerks.

What I’m trying to say is I think this story is an analogy or a metaphor! Even Slade Wilson is on the right side and he’s a rich bastard too! Except he’s worse than the other rich bastards because they think money makes right while he thinks violence makes right. I suppose if I had to choose between the two worlds, I’d rather live in one where the people with money control my life than live in the world where the people who utilize violence control my life. Although I live in America so I guess I’m lucky enough to have both!

The New Titans #59 (October 1989)

Answer: Foe! I think. Anyway, Wildebeest is a doctor. I think. I mean, he’s still not who anybody thinks he is. I think. Basically, Marv Wolfman created a super villain whom he became so enamored of that he just kept making each new super villain Wildebeest. So every few issues, the Titans stop Wildebeest but then it turns out they didn’t stop him at all because Wildebeest is a tricky fucker! So in this issue, they capture a doctor who must be Wildebeest because he’s got the suit and the computer and the Cyborg fail-safe. But — GASP! — his mind shuts off when he’s captured and then the comic ends with Wildebeest watching Kory and Dick fuck in the sky while laughing! Double gasp!

The New Titans #58 (September 1989)

Troia flashing Raven is my favorite cover.

More Wildebeest intrigue. It feels like the hunt for Wildebeest has taken up about 25% of The New Teen Titans issues up until this point. Probably because they’ve been the most interesting stories. Although I seem to remember getting pretty fucking tired of seeing Wildebeest on the cover back when I first read these. Probably because the Wildebeest plot is only now ramping up to take over this series for quite some time. So much so that Scrappy Wildebeest Doo even becomes a thing when the Team Titans come around. Possibly before that. But right around that time, anyway.

The New Titans #57 (August 1989)

This issue was well done and enjoyable which is a pleasant surprise since most of these old Titans books have been lackluster and mediocre. Although the Titans were still more dangerous to New York than helpful. Especially since Wildebeest was Cyborg in disguise being mind-controlled! Or would that mean he was just hacked? I forget how long this Wildebeest story arc goes before the monster behind Wildebeest is revealed. I don’t remember who it was but–come on!–it’s got to be Slade, right?

No wonder Dick is always screaming at Joseph to enter him.

The New Titans #53 (February 1989)

I suppose by now we sort of know the new origin of Wonder Girl. But I still don’t know the answer to “Who is Wonder Girl?” It’s such a complex question! I suppose she’s the type of person who would marry her teacher and then support him when he relies on her to do all of his research as a professor and loses his job because she refuses to do his job as well as her own (super heroing). But then she’s always known that! So I guess she’s like Dorothy Gale who always knew who she was but didn’t truly understand what that meant until she fell in love with a scarecrow, murdered a witch with a bucket of water, learned how to orgasm from a cowardly lion, and talked about that uptight tin man behind his back the entire journey down the Yellow Brick Road.

The New Titans #52 (January 1989)

The Titans go on some sort of space scavenger hunt for seeds that will whatever. I don’t know. I think it’s clearing up Wonder Girl’s origin? By making it into a monstrously huge space opera slash sibling rivalry? Once again, I read this months ago and have forgotten the details. I just know the Titans have split up and they’re battling some of Wonder Girl’s space siblings. I’ll remember what’s going on soon because this is where I left off and Issue #53 will be fresh in my mind when I discuss it!

Still not heroic because they’re in space on personal business while Danny Chase sits around headquarters acting like an ass.

The New Titans #51 (January 1989)

Who is Wonder Girl? It turns out she was a little girl destined to die in a fire. But she was saved by aliens pretending to be gods or vice versa or maybe nobody was pretending anything. She was then returned to Earth without any memories because how could she remember this history that had just been written by Marv Wolfman and George Perez? Duh!

She has some brother and sister gods who are her other Titan family and one of them has gone rogue or something. Maybe some evil is hunting them down. Something dramatic is happening but I kind of forget what and I don’t want to read this again.

The Titans are too busy finding out who Wonder Girl is to do anything heroic. They continue to be the worst superhero team of the '80s. Weird how their comic book basically saved DC singlehandedly! Maybe Swamp Thing and the subsequent British Invasion helped too!

The New Titans #50 (December 1988)

The long awaited story that everybody was waiting for during a long period of waiting: the newest origin of Donna Troy! See, Wonder Girl used to just be stories about young Wonder Woman. But then somebody whose name some nerd knows but I don’t give a shit about decided to make Wonder Girl exist side-by-side with Wonder Woman so the Teen Titans could have a female “sidekick” join their team. At that point she got a new origin which wasn’t “Wonder Woman as a young woman but taken out of time to exist beside her adult self” but something else that was probably campy and stupid. But then the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened and a lot of Golden Age characters ceased to exist and Wonder Woman got a brand new history and Wonder Girl apparenty had never met this new Wonder Woman or had parents or an origin or any fucking history at all that wasn’t completely fucked up. So fans had been asking since Crisis for Marv Wolfman to make some sense out of Donna Troy. This is the beginning of the sense he made out of her.

Also it’s part one of five! I guess the story needed extra clarification after this cover was already printed. Also the “teen” was dropped from their name because comic book fans’ heads were exploding over the fact that most of them were young adults now.

This is the "50th Anniversary" issue. The Teen Titans were first created in 1964. This issue came out in 1988. That's only 24 years. Which means the editors at DC Comics don't know the definition of the word "anniversary." What they meant was "mensiversary" which probably sounds too much like "menstruation" (for very good etymological reasons, of course!) to use it.