Batman and Robin #15

That Joker mask fits Damian perfectly.

Damian has once again been left alone in the Batcave because Batman is afraid he's going to get hurt. How long can Batman keep making excuses to keep Damian out of trouble? Perhaps this isn't going to work. Batman seems a little too invested in Damian for him to work as his sidekick. No wonder Tim Drake is so jealous.

Damian is pissed off because the other members of the Bat-Family gave Batman such a hard time in Batman #15 about The Joker possibly having gotten into the Batcave.

I'm sure he's talking to Titus but I'm hoping it's Batcow.

It does end up being Titus and Titus gives him some really shitty advice. Not the kind of awe-inspiring advice Batcow would have given him. I get the feeling Batcow is being neglected. And now that Alfred is gone, who's taking care of Batcow? Who's shoveling its shit and baling its hay? Are those things you do when you're taking care of a cow? Don't you occasionally have to put on a giant white glove and put your hand into its hoo-ha? What is that for? Do you have to flip a switch inside of its uterus to make it produce milk? Maybe that's a just a joke farmers play on the interns or the boys interested in fucking their daughters. I hope Batcow hasn't already been relegated to the Super Pet garbage pile! I'll be pretty upset if that happens. I might cry.

Titus's advice is to search for Alfred. Fucking big shot dog thinks he's Scooby Doo all of a sudden? So that's Damian's plan. He searches around the scene of the abduction and the outside of Wayne Manor until Titus finds some Hyena pee. So Robin goes to ask the Hyenas some questions.

They don't know anything.

The Hyenas are currently feasting on the guard of the zoo so The Joker was probably involved. Titus might have been able to sniff out some more hyena pee but he stayed home. Robin decides to beat up the Hyenas to see if they're lying about not knowing anything but they remain silent. One of them does bite him though and its teeth must have been covered in one of The Joker's many toxins because Robin gets dizzy and passes out.

Batcow never would have let this happen.

Fucking Titus better get his ass in gear. Ace would be rolling over in his grave, I mean his super comfy doggy bed in his palace on the other side of the rainbow bridge if he knew Titus was abandoning his boy. It's not like Titus has to battle Bud and Lou! They're dead!

Speaking of Bud and Lou, I wonder if The Joker trained them to attack when they heard someone say "Niagara Falls." Oh, never mind. It's almost Christmas (technically it is Christmas) and I should probably cut this short so I can enjoy my day off. Oh wait. I don't get the day off because my boss is a fucking asshole whose only concern is making fun of Scott Lobdell and J.T. Krul. Oh wait! That's me! I get to do whatever I want today!

I think I'll start my Christmas Morning by pretending to finish reading Batman and Robin and going to get breakfast!

The Joker does some things that The Joker usually does which gets the good guy to react in the way that the good guy usually reacts. Remember? He did it to Batgirl and he did it to Harley Quinn and now he's done it to Robin!

The Joker seems to be getting everyone to promise that. Is his plan to have every member of the Bat Family ready to kill him so that Batman finally has to do it himself? Sort of a shoot your own dog moment?

Then The Joker says some more stuff (remember how much stuff he always says?!) and Robin has to listen because he's strung up and half-drugged.

I just really like the motion in these panels.

The Joker goes on with some more of that stuff about how Batman is losing his edge because of Robin and the other nitwits of Gotham. Robin probably agrees with the part about the others being a negative influence on Batman but he's smart enough to not say anything about it even though he's been drugged. Batman could learn something from this kid! Batman is always giving away hints and clues that he's Bruce Wayne whenever he's on some Fear Toxin or Joker Juice or Penguin Pill or Riddler Suppository.

This is my favorite Joker appearance so far!

The Joker is even beginning to convince me!

Especially with the Pez analogy!

Guess what happens next? The Joker does more talking! Talk, talk, talk! Joke, joke, joke! The Joker is funny! He is very funny! The Joker is also smart. Very smart! The Joker might not be as funny or as smart as I think because what The Joker might actually be is very, very manipulative! So here's some more stuff he said!

The Joker is on a fucking roll! Encore! Encore!

But The Joker isn't sticking around for an encore. Apparently The Joker was just the opening act because after The Joker is finally done talking, Joker Batman emerges from a pile of worms and bugs and dead things.

The Joker thinks it's funny but I don't get it.

Batman and Robin #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Joker was hilarious this issue! Bravo, sir! Bravo! Although Damian was pretty passive. That kid should be on Joker Drugs more often.

Team 7 #3

Forget the fucking picture! There's a guy named "Jimbo" at DC?

Last issue Eclipso was eclipsing people or some such nonsense. I remember a lot of words and very few bullets. Who wants to read words? Not me! Words are for girls! Or boys. It's hard to tell since most words aren't pink or blue so how am I supposed to know which gender enjoys them more? They're mostly black. So are words emo? Fucking words are definitely depressing. Nobody likes to read them. And they're bossy as all get out. Telling me what they say. I'll fucking decide what you say, words! You'll do what I want you to do!

Boy, I hope this issue doesn't have many words. Or Girl.

Oh no! Right off the bat, Slade Wilson is writing (or dictating?) into his War Journal! But this is before he became Deathstroke and he decided to start numbering his entries.

Once Team 7 lands their rubber raft deeper into the island, they climb up a wall of Black Diamonds to arrive at a village that has been completely slaughtered. The people that slaughtered them are still there. But they've been slaughtered too! The mercenaries have Basilisk tattoos and were probably searching to free Eclipso so that Gamorra could use Eclipso's power to enslave the themselves! I mean, enslave the world! Kaizen Gamorra probably doesn't know how Eclipso works since this is a Reboot. He probably thinks he can harness the power of the Black Diamond. He might as well put a starfish on his face and say he's controlling Starro.

They find one villager alive that they can't understand. But then Essence appears and she can translate!

No! Wait! She can...ugh. Idiots.

Luckily Essence is intangible. Hopefully Team 7 doesn't meet any enemies that are intangible. How will they defeat something if they can't shoot it? Essence tells them they need to stop The Others before they get to the Heart of the Island.

But the island has some defenses of its own.

Smoke Monsters!

The leader of the mercenaries realizes protection lies in the Black Diamonds the natives wear and stops the Smoke Monsters from destroying them. But the Smoke Monsters take the small native girl that was with them. They probably took her to Jacob's cabin for safe keeping.

Meanwhile, Essence explains the island to Team 7 and just gets herself deeper in trouble with ABC's lawyers.

Next Slade Wilson calls Cole Cash "Brother" and tells him he had a vision of his comic book being cancelled.

Back on Gamorra Island, their leader Kaizen sits on his throne and holds court with his Minority Report Pre-Cogs floating in their pool of future seeing liquid (and pee). I think the scene change was just to advance time on the island so the two groups can finally encounter one another just outside of the Heart of Hell. This is the parts where the bullets come in!

A bunch of Gamorrans get themselves shot in the face and the belly and other crucial body parts. There are so many body parts to be shot in and the Gamorrans make sure they get shot in every single one of them. Meanwhile, Team 7 make sure to not be shot at all. Not even in one single non-essential body part. Those guys are pretty smart! But they still have to retreat when the Gamorran leader sets off a bomb which blows Slade Wilson a few pages ahead.

This art is fucking shitty.

The rest of the team has no retreated and won't be seen again until they're needed next issue. Meanwhile, Slade Wilson appears again a few pages ahead to race the lead Gamorran to Eclipso's gem. Slade beats the merc there, so I guess his mission is successful in that he kept the Gamorrans from getting to Eclipso. But Slade picks up the gem himself.

I think this, technically, constitutes failure.

Team 7 #3 Rating: No change. Overall, the art in this issue looked like crap. That last page of Eclipso was the best looking thing in the book. I have a feeling one of the artists working on this issue drew that and the other one drew the other garbage. My guess is Jimbo drew Eclipso because I haven't ever seen his work before and Gopez drew the rest because I really haven't been impressed with his stuff yet. As for the story, well, it wasn't anything special. Team 7 meets Lost. Hmm, that makes it sound better than it actually was!

P.S. a few hours later because I forgot something:

Could this little white haired native girl be the future Rose Wilson? Slade mentions his life with Adeline and his sons but no Rose Wilson although she definitely exists as a late stage teen. This would fit if he adopted her since all the other natives have been killed.

Superboy #15

I fucking hope not!

Last issue, I wrote an unflattering commentary on Superboy (you know, like I do every month!). Here's one of the response I received from StripperNightwing (he likes to Role Play Nightwing as a Stripper and suck off other male superheroes like Superboy and Quicksilver (Totally ridiculous, right? Marvel and DC suck at crossovers! (I wonder if Quicksilver blows his load quickly?))):

Uh..okay tessatechaitea…lemme take some time to point out EVERYTHING that’s wrong with this post. You do realize that the entire thing is a contradiction right? If you hate this comic so much WHY ARE YOU STILL BUYING IT? It’s nobody’s fault but your own that your wasting your money on a comic that you don’t like. Stop being stupid now plz. Kthnx.

The way he emphasized EVERYTHING, I was sure he was going to go through my commentary point by point. He must have accidentally used the wrong word when he meant to say ONE THING. And then he claims this is a contradiction: I hate the comic but I still buy it. What is contradicting what? He also uses "your" when he meant "you're" but I'm actually going to let him slide on that one since I do it occasionally too. Sometimes the brain works a lot faster than the fingers and you change thoughts mid-sentence and forget to change a word that now winds up being wrong because your stupid fucking asshole brain went and changed up everything. Or just one thing! But I am going to point out that when you correct someone when they're making a joke and using hyperbole, you don't look smart. You look like a humorless asshole that completely missed the fucking joke. And then, worst of all, he asks me to stop being stupid! Dude! That's my whole fucking schtick! You want me to be serious? Well, hmm. I guess I could try going that way. I'll try EVERYTHING once!

Um, get your mouth off of that, strippernightwing. I meant that figuratively.

Okay, let me take a moment to wrap my head around not being stupid. I should probably stop pretending to not know things that I actually know just for a joke. I should drop the hyperbole since it's often misconstrued and taken as gospel. That's what happened when I blamed everyone else for my having to read Superboy. That was what really got me into hot water with Strippernightwing and fuckeminthefacequicksilver and ballsonyourchinsuperboy. I think I'm ready!

This comic book was written by Tom DeFalco who is a professional comic book writer who deserves respect for having a career. In his writing, he uses certain "patterns" and "motifs" which really cement the character in a thematic and consistent narrative structure. One of the ways he does this is by beginning every comic book with, "My name is Superboy." Superboy then goes on to explain how he was built by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon. But I have a feeling he's going to change that up this issue. Since Superboy has been unconscious (or semi-conscious, at the least) over the last few issues he's been in (Superboy #14, Supergirl #14, Superman #14. I guess he was conscious in Ravagers #6 and Teen Titans #14. Damn. He sure is in a lot of comic books!), I think Tom DeFalco is going to change up his opening page. It will still be a full splash page but I think it will be H'el saying, "My name is H'el." And then he'll describe who he is and where he came from.

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. If you're not going to try, neither am I. I'm going back to being stupid. kthnx.

Look at this mess! I don't think even Tom DeFalco knew where he was going when he began this page. Each month he begins his script with the "My name is Superboy" nonsense and then follows it up with the clone and living weapon spiel. DeFalco has proven to be such a crappy writer that I can't even give him credit for the turn of Superboy's thoughts even on a single page. People might argue that this was well-crafted to make the reader believe Superboy was declaring this all ends now because Superboy was going to rise up against everyone and declare himself to be his own man! But then the narrative turns at the end to take the reader by surprise! This isn't Superboy declaring he's had enough; this is Superboy realizing he's dying! Shocker!

But no. Tom DeFalco hasn't proven to me that he can write like that. So all I read here is that even Tom DeFalco fooled himself. He didn't know he was going to write the "I think I'm dying!" box at the end of this page! He probably just got near the end of this page and it came to him like a shot: "Oh! Wouldn't it be great if these were his DYING thoughts?!" Or maybe his editor had a talk with him.

Chris Conroy: "Um, hey, Tom. Have you been reading the other issues of this crossover? Yeah, Superboy's kind of getting his ass handed to him every issue. This sounds like he's about to jump up and beat the shit out of H'el. I don't think he's in any shape to..."
Tom DeFalco: "No no no! I haven't finished that page yet! Here, see: 'I think I'm dying!' See? That works, right?"
Chris Conroy: "Oh yeah! That's fantastic! Great! Superb job! Hey, have you seen Howard Mackie anywhere? I need to discuss his script for Ravagers #7. He simply handed me a folder with a bloody tampon inside of it."

While Superboy relaxes on a taxi thinking the longest, most boring dying thoughts anyone has ever though (probably! I haven't been privy to ALL of them!), Superman is off confronting H'el in a part of Metropolis I've never heard of: Suicide Slum. I thought H'el took off at the end of Superman #14 plus their dialogue sounds awfully familiar! So I dig Superman #14 out of the comic book box and realize this scene is exactly the same as the last page of Superman #14 except drawn differently. A little confusing but I don't mind. H'el zips away faster than Superman can follow. Superman has more immediate problems anyway. He hears the EMTs saying that Superboy's vitals are crashing! Ha ha! I know what "vitals" are! They're his testicles!

Superman flies Superboy off to his Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic. Hey, good job, Tom DeFalco! You got that right! Don't say I never congratulated you for a job well done. Superman thinks he can keep Superboy from dying somehow. And for a dying bastard, Superboy can't fucking shut up!

"A little too arrogant and reckless for my tastes!" Is that a joke? Does the exclamation point mean Superboy meant that as a joke? Should I excuse Tom DeFalco's inappropriate humor because Superboy is delusional and dying? Oh wait! He's not done Narration Boxing!

Why is this bullshit inner monologue important? I am so mad at Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina right now!

Hey wait! Even Chris Conroy gets in on the over explaining!

Thanks, Chris! Can't expect comic book fans to think for themselves! Although I figured it had something to do with Superboy's tactile telekinesis and Superman's ball sweat.

Superman sticks Superboy in some kind of diagnostic chair that indicates Superboy is suffering massive trauma to his genes. Fuck you, that's what the comic book said! You want to read it yourself, you're welcome to!

Superboy: "Ow! The color of my hair is really hurting! And my left-handedness is bleeding profusely! OH MY GOD! My Kryptonian propensity for punching people in the face when I first meet them is rupturing!"

Superman is better at me at the medicine so he gets down to business and uses his microscopic vision to check out Superboy's DNA. What he finds is truly of Coast to Coast AM proportions!

I would say this was silly if it weren't for so many people believing adding a new strand of DNA is some kind of super spiritual evolution. They're silly! And if you Google this shit and find articles on Alfie Clamp having three strands of DNA, those people have no reading comprehension whatsoever.

 

My guess is that Tom DeFalco decided that by giving Superboy three stranded DNA, that would mean he has three gene donors. That way we can have even more surprises about who and what Superboy is! And since he was a clone created in a lab, I'm going to fucking have to allow it, aren't I? Forget genes and chromosones and the way information is encoded in two stranded DNA that would make absolutely no fucking sense if you shoved a third strand in there. Like a GPS device, does the DNA just recalculate when it realizes a third strand has been added? So a strand of DNA that holds the information on how the brain is created gets a new strand of DNA shoved in. The first two strands separate long enough so they can all hook up in various ways. Now you have a new piece of DNA and Superboy has no brain!

Granted, I actually don't know anything about genetics except that there are smooth peas and wrinkled peas. And I'm pretty sure I nailed why this is all bullshit although I don't have a degree on my wall to prove that I know what I'm talking about. Well, I have a Literature Degree but I don't think that's stellar proof that I understand genes! But you know what? I'm going to accept this information without any more whining and moping and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. Superboy has three parents! That's exciting!

Meanwhile in Supergirl's Sanctuary of Underwaterness:

What the fuck happened to his scar? Was he meant to be Bizarro and then editorial said, "No, no. Fuck that! We'll take off the scar in the trades later."

So they're having their little who is sexier party, Superboy's condition and the science behind it continues to get worse.

This is no time for petty jealousies, Dr. Veritatas!

So Superboy has DNA comprised of a triple helix and each strand is completely different. But apparently the proteins still have matches in the alien strands. That's either a major coincidence or Kryptonian DNA and the unidentified DNA are simply Human DNA but they're different colors or fuzzy or some other aesthetic difference which identifies them as non-human. Or else Tom Defalco was thinking that Superboy has twenty two trios of chromosomes. I'm saying twenty two because given his standard male features, he probably simply has an XY pair of sex chromosomes.

But I don't care, remember! However the science works, it means Superboy has a Kryptonian Father and a Human Father and an unclassified Mother! I'm so psyched to find out the answer to this mystery. And the way Tom DeFalco reveals answers to the secrets in his comic books, we'll be told somewhere in 2021!

Now if only Superman had some way to halt the rapid decay of Superboy's DNA! And if only there had been some clue as to how he might do it? Hmm.

Superman takes off his suit because it did something to his DNA a long time ago when he was just an idealistic kid. He sticks it on Superboy because when you've got a patient that you don't know how to cure, you might as well try any random thing. That's how they do it in the hospital.

Nurse: "What's wrong with this patient, Doctor?"
Doctor: "His genes are hurt. I'm not sure how to fix it."
Nurse: "Maybe if you play "Louie, Louie" on this trombone?"
Doctor: "It couldn't hurt! I mean, it could. But it could be the cure too! We won't know until we try!"
Nurse: "Maybe I should put my penis in the patient's mouth while you play? You think?"
Doctor: "Why not!? That always gives me a lift! Now everybody blow!"

The operation is a success! Superboy jumps up from the table in full Superman gear but his tactile telekinesis is gone! That must come from the unclassified DNA which the Super Suit hasn't bothered stabilizing. Superman also has 1/3 of the revelation that won't be fully revealed until 2021.

Oh my God what a surprise revelation! It's so expected that I think Superman is probably wrong. He could be Supergirl's clone. Or Jor-el's clone. Or Martha Wayne-el's clone (I forgot Superman's mother's name. It probably started with an "L" like all the women in his life).

After the usual fisticuffs between the two good guys, they settle their differences and get ready to track H'el. But that's not necessary! He shows up just at that moment to pummel them both and fling them out of the Fortress of Solitude. This guy is the most powerful creature since Helspont. Or was it Darkseid? Or maybe the Court of Owls' Talons. Or the Third Army? Or Harvest? Or every other fucking villain when first encountered by a super hero? I'm sure H'el will become much less powerful in a few more issues of this crossover.

Superboy #15 Rating: No change. This was just one long issue of Superboy recovering from his injuries. DeFalco did reveal that one part of Superboy's DNA was from Superman but then he added a third strand of DNA, so we're back in the same boat of ignorance! We still don't know two of Superboy's gene donors! This really is a horrible, horrible comic book. Why does it tie in to so many other comics? Legion Lost. Ravagers. Teen Titans. Superman. Supergirl. If he'd just stay out of Supergirl's comic book, I wouldn't mind him tainting the other titles. He can't do much more damage in those.

Deathstroke #15

Is it possible? Will this comic book finally be worth reading?

While picking up my comic books this week, I was checking the stack after Peter, the owner of Excalibur Comics in Portland, handed me the comics from my box and looked at this cover of Deathstroke. I said, "Oh, Justin Jordan is writing. That sounds like a good change." I paused for a second and then said, "At this point, any change on Deathstroke would be a good change." Peter laughed and simply said, "Right?"

No more Rob Liefeld. No more Josh Williamson. No more Hawkman:Wanted! More things I hope I don't see in this comic book: random mercenaries trying to kill Deathstroke to gain more rep. You know what you don't do if you're a mercenary trying to build a future and a name for yourself? You don't risk it all by going all in against Deathstroke the greatest mercenary that has ever lived! I also don't want to see Deathstroke concerned about "finding a challenge." What the fuck is that about, anyway? He's a mercenary! Go make money by killing things! And let's have fun while we're out there, okay? *slaps Slade's butt*

This is Koschei. He's a dick. He's also deathless.

Koscei is some immortal, fascist douchebag terrorizing the people of Sarvenia. I figured Sarvenia was like Markovia, so I asked Lord Google about it.

Me: "Sarvenia"
Lord Google: "Pshaw. You imbecilic twat. You thought that was a real country, didn't you?"
Me: "Of course I didn't!"
Lord Google: "Oh? Did you mean, 'Of course I didn't draft Drew Brees. What am I? An Idiot?'"
Me: "Go to hell."
Lord Google: "A common expression of dismissal. See also piss off, fuck off, eat shit and die."
Me: "Hey! Maybe my blog name should be Eee! Tess ate chai tea and I!"

Anyway, Koschei is just another despotic ruler of some little eastern European country with a name that sounds like it could be real. Here's where I go way out on a limb and speculate on where the plot of this comic is going: I bet someone hires Deathstroke to kill this guy!

He's the worst mercenary in the world! Slade is willing to do the job for a steak and a challenge? Fuck me. He's lost my respect already!

So this madman has been terrorizing this country for three years but nobody gave a shit until money could be made by ousting Koschei. And now Slade acts like he's been acting all along: he just wants a challenge. I guess it's my problem that I want Slade to be different because at least all of the writers are keeping him consistent. Oh well. He shouldn't have any trouble killing Koschei the Deathless since he already killed Lobo.

When was the last time Deathstork Deathstroke made any money on a job? Did he accept payment for killing Lobo or was that just another freebie for the challenge? I think the last time he was on a paying gig was when he went to kill the guy in Colorado (or some snowy retreat) but Legacy got their first. That was a long time ago!

Also, what happened to that shadowy boardroom of criminals that were getting millions of dollars together to have Deathstroke killed? That was how Liefeld began but that never went anywhere because Lobo came up and then the Zero issue which introduced Jericho which suddenly meant Jericho was behind everyone trying to kill Slade. I think that moment was probably just a set up to explain all of the people coming after Slade every issue but, like I said, Jericho sort of took over as the explanation for the random people trying to kill Deathstroke.

Deathstroke's first night in Sarvenia is really just to get information.

Sniper bullet to the head? Check! Koschei still alive? Check! Scramble for new plan? Check!

Except I couldn't be more wrong about the scrambling for a new plan. How could I forget that everyone knows how everyone else in the world will react in comic books, so planning is easy? Deathstroke knew he wouldn't kill Koschei with his rifle. He also knew Koschei would want him captured alive and brought before him. Now where have I seen this plot before? Oh yeah! When Grifter wanted to be caught by Helspont! If the story continues to be the same story, then Koschei will have known that Deathstroke wanted to be brought before him and he'll turn the tables on Deathstroke!

Koschei is too stupid to have an anti-plan. Helspont is an awesome genius and I shouldn't have put Koschei in the same category as that Daemonite super bastard. But to continue Deathstroke's plan now that he's been brought before Koschei and killed all of Koschei's guards, he goes into Phase Two of the Same Old Same Old Comic Book Plan:

Still just gathering information.

I don't have a guess as to how Deathstroke is going to kill this guy since he doesn't have a Space Motorcycle handy to rocket him into the stratosphere on and blow him to bits. But however he kills Koschei, I have a feeling that all of this reconnaissance he's doing what matter at all. Whatever he ends up doing, he probably could have done right from the start without all the risk involved in this other bullshit.

Turns out Deathstroke's entire plan hinges on the fact that Koschei will also do the cliche thing as a super villain. He spills the beans and exposes how he can be killed.

So Koschei needs to be tricked into saying his name backwards?

I suppose Deathstroke has to trick Koschei into killing himself somehow. Maybe set up an elaborate system of mirrors and boomerang bullets which will cause Koschei to shoot himself in the face and thus choose the time and place he's going to die. You know what? I don't even fucking care. Let's get to the rating.

Deathstroke #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. Maybe I just don't fucking like Deathstroke. I hate the way he's being written by everyone taking on this title which means it must be my problem at this point, right? This comic book is a huge disappointment. To paraphrase Rona Jaffe (or Tom Lazarus): "So I read the comic one last time. I saw nothing but the death of hope. And the loss of a decent comic book character."

Suicide Squad #15

Oh my. Patching things up already?

This issue isn't specifically a Death of the Family crossover but it does continue where last issue (and Batman #13) left off. Harley has just gotten Batman trapped in a vat of chemicals and has been strung up by The Joker. So far, it's one of their better dates. Harley eventually blacks out (still a good date!) and awakens in a state of confusion about recent events.

How many times is he going to threaten to cut off her face as too?

When does Deadshot come galloping in on a white Segway to save the day?

Meanwhile back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller and Yo Yo are watching this little drama unfold via the nano-cameras Amanda shoved into Harley's eyes when she was comatose a number of issues ago. Yo Yo is a bit curious as to why he's got ringside seats to The Crazy Show.

Why is it characters that can manipulate their body shapes through forms of elasticity never get any respect? Did Plastic Man ruin it for any serious, grim shapeshifting bouncy house people?

Speaking of things that have nothing to do with what I'm about to say, where has Light Lime been?

The Joker and Harley have a bit of a discussion as The Joker sets their hyenas, Bud and Lou, on her, both now infected with rabies. The discussion just isn't crazy enough for my tastes. The Joker is all rational and explicates the reasons why he is doing the things he's doing. Perhaps it's because he simply wants Harley to understand what's become of him so that she'll join him. Perhaps it's because he's being written poorly. Perhaps it's simply because the whole point of this encounter is for Amanda Waller to learn something from the craziest mother fucker in the DCnU and how could she learn anything if he just joked and non sequitured the entire time.

The Joker explains that he cut his face off to remove the last traces of his humanity. He's now running on pure instinct like the hyenas. But the hyenas aren't running on pure instinct anymore because they've gone insane from their degenerative nerve disease. In this way, The Joker is being more truthful than maybe even he realizes. He is not running on pure instinct at all. He also has gone extra crazy from the face removal surgery. Also he's gone extra crazy from jealousy since Batman has so many other intimates in his life these days. And The Joker explains why he's doing all of this to Harley: he wants her to go extra crazy with him. But she's simply too attached to her cute smirk and attached skin, so she kills her babies and declines the offer.

This is pretty much the same scene as in Batgirl. The Joker really is burning all of his bridges.

The date goes a little south what with Harley threatening to kill The Joker and then punching him in the place where his face used to be and then The Joker biting her ear off and then Harley smashing him into an iron tank and then Joker losing his face and then Joker poisoning Harley and then Harley biting off the Joker's tongue and then The Joker kicking Harley in the vagina.

There's also this part in there somewhere where she makes the mistake of telling The Joker that she enjoyed stuffing Deadshot into her clown car.

Even though The Joker just had a bit of his tongue bitten off, it doesn't seem to hamper his ability to monologue incessantly. And Harley had her ear bitten off. Oh hey! Is this some kind of commentary on relationships? The man needs to shut up and listen more and the woman should stop listening and talk more? No wait, that doesn't seem right. One thing I'm pretty sure about though is that the next scene where The Joker locks up Harley in a sub-basement in ACE Chemicals will cause an avalanche of impotent fandom rage.

And if you do manage to get out, Harley, be sure to take care of that raging case of rabies you've contracted!

Maybe fans will like this scene. If there were more Harleys, maybe the current Harley in the whore's outfit isn't the cartoon Harley that everybody loves! Maybe this allows for a different way of looking at things! Perhaps this moment will save the day! But probably not. More than likely it's just going to take away that "special connection" everyone felt The Joker and Harley had between them. Now it means nothing because Joker had a whole slew of past loves. People are going to judge him over his past relationships as if they had anything to do with his current relationship.

I wonder if this Harlequin is down there too! Not because she was The Joker's love interest but because she suddenly got really depressed since Alan Scott couldn't love her, so she dragged her ass down in this pit to die of a broken heterosexual heart.

Harley escapes by becoming a pure, crazed animal relying only on instinct. When The Joker finds she is gone, he's impressed and falls a little more deeply for her. Harley somehow makes it back to Belle Reve from Gotham dressed up in little more than her stripper clown suit. Perhaps she got a lift from Large Marge. Whatever happened, she returns to the Squad a little crazier than when she left. Perhaps Harleen has finally been truly repressed. But she still has rabies.

And then the final panel makes my guess of Deadshot returning in two issues nearly spot on since he's just Floyd in this panel and it is just the final panel to set up the next issue anyway.

Oh my god! Deadshot's not dead! Or circumcised!

Suicide Squad #15 Rating: -1 Rating. It's not that I didn't enjoy this issue as much as I've enjoyed the other issues (which frankly is due mostly to being such a fan of Waller and Deadshot that even in a slack-asseriffically written comic book like this one, I can still have fun reading it) but it just wasn't about the Suicide Squad! This was a Joker comic. Or a Harley Quinn romance. But it wasn't a Suicide Squad comic book at all! Although I did enjoy the two pages starring Yo Yo. I think I hated him when I first met him but now that he lived inside King Shark for months and is a demented, scarred-for-life self-loather, I think he's beginning to grow on me.

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #15

This penultimate issue is "Last Stand Against the Rot." My guess is the ultimate issue will be "Last Stand Against A Giant Creature With No Eyes and A Steel Reinforced Belly."

Last issue ended with the death of Velcoro (or at least the bisection of him. He is a vampire, after all. Don't they need to have their heads doused in sunlight and steaks served with a whisky mushroom sauce?), the appearance of a tribe of Golden Robot Women, and Frankenstein fighting to the death on an island against said island. That's a lot of stuff happening!

Does the plan begin by entering its mouth?!

The Golden Robot Women transform into a Flaming Golden Sword which Frankenstein uses to hack the island to pieces and remove the last piece of the Soulgrinder from its stomach. Now that he has all of the pieces, he just needs to return to Nina and the last of the S.H.A.D.E. scientists that somehow survived the Rot. Maybe the rendezvous point is Galapagos.

I'm sure once he makes it there, the SoulGrinder will be remade. With it, Frank will make an army of Frankensteins. With his new army, he'll ride off to help out Buddy Baker in Animal Man #15. Ta da! That's it. If there isn't anything more important to scan or talk about, my rating will follow in the next paragraph.

Monument Valley, Utah. The rendezvous point.

Frankenstein has brought the pieces of the Soulgrinder but he's also brought Victor Frankenstein and thousands of Victor's Rot monsters as well. Khalis remains below to fight them. I guess Khalis must be semi-immune to The Rot since he's a mummy! I think Khalis should get his own title. It should be like Highway to Heaven. Khalis could wander from town to town helping Atheists with problems in their lives. It should be called The Itinerant Mummy. Maybe he could have a skeletal raven as his sidekick. Maybe he'd have a group of fans following him around in VW buses although they would only be in a couple of episodes a season. And he wouldn't just help good people! Maybe a child molester would be having problems at work because his boss is a raging asshole. Khalis would arrive to put the boss in his place while his skeletal raven would keep saying things like, "Why the hell are we helping this sicko?" and "Don't we have better things to do?" And Khalis will merely intone his signature line in a voice which shows it means nothing to him at this point because he's been repeating it for centuries on his quest to help the helpless: "It is not for us to judge." And then when he's done the job and he begins walking to the next town, sad music will play as the credits roll.

Khalis is eventually overrun and rotted although it took a lot longer than most organic material. Victor Frankenstein floats up to the top of the Butte to break Frankenstein's heart.

You say semantics, I say semen-ticks.

To destroy Victor Frankenstein and his Mushroom Cloud, Frankenstein shoves him through the Soulgrinder that was quickly set up by the S.H.A.D.E. scientists. It destroys whatever Victor had become but since he was still choking Nina, it turns Nina into a FrankencreaturefromtheBlackLagoon. The rest of the scientists line up and walk through it as well so that Frankenstein now has his legion of Rot-Proof monsters to help defeat Arcane. But he also had a little something more.

Oopsed!

I say "Oopsed" because there's no way Frankenstein would have agreed to have another baby after the shitstorm caused by his last child. How does it work, anyway? Do they have to keep upgrading the baby's body parts with bigger and bigger dead children as it needs to "grow"? Or does it just automagically become an adult over time? You know what? I don't want to know! I'm not interested in babies at all and only very slightly more interested in undead babies. I'd read a comic book about one but I don't think I need to know how it was made. You know, the Birds and the Zombies?

Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. Rating: No change. One more issue to go before the end of Frankenstein and he has to find a home in one of DC's other 52 titles. Where will he end up? Teen Titans? Justice League of America? Oh, probably Justice League Dark. Or maybe now that he's made friends with Princess Amethyst, he'll take a vacation in Gemworld.

Green Lantern Corps #15

For Galactic Acts of Self-Love and Flagrant Use of His Own Penis.

Last issue, I realized the real motivation behind the Guardians of Oa's creation of the Third Army: to end masturbation. It's really fairly obvious once you realize what's going on. There was an Oan named Krona that wanted to know how the universe began. But the Oans believed that if any of them ever found out how the universe started, everything would be destroyed. But Krona didn't believe that nonsense. Who would have told the Oans this? How would anyone know a punishment would be handed down for figuring out how the universe began? It was absurd! Ridiculous! So Krona continued on with his experiments until he opened up a portal and witnessed the creation of the universe!

Krona witnessed a shadowy hand rhythmically pumping a shadowy penis until the entire universe shot forth in a fiery display of galaxy forming ejaculate! The Masturbater spied Krona through the portal and, embarrassed, cursed the Oan race to never again be able to masturbate. The Oans (being a race of only men) grew tense and frustrated without the release of masturbation. Their skin quickly turned bluish grey. To turn their attention away from their frustration, they began to pursue logic and philosophy. Their heads grew big and bulbous while their unneeded physical forms withered.

As the Oans observed the rest of the universe, they saw many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many acts of masturbation amongst all of the sentient races. It was more than they could bare. It must all be stopped, once and for all. So they created a race of Manhunters to punish men who masturbated. This worked out for awhile but the Oans, having been a race of males, didn't realize how often females masturbated as well. But the Manhunters only hunted men, so they needed a new plan. The Green Lantern Corps was their next attempt to end self-pleasure!

Green Lanterns were recruited by their willpower because those with the strongest willpower resisted the lure of masturbation the most successfully. They accepted males, females, and whatever other genders they discovered amongst the stars since their always seemed to be masturbaters no matter the gender.

For awhile, it seemed to be a success. But the Oans grew lax in their position of authority once they began fucking the Zamarons. Masturbaters began to infiltrate the Green Lantern Corps' ranks. And pretty soon, it was time for a new Corps that wasn't susceptible to the lures of self-love. The new attempt to end it all was The Third Army! This would turn every sentient being into one sentient being thereby leaving nobody to fantasize about and no reason to masturbate. But the Oans knew that idleness was the devil's penis, so they also created the Third Army without genitalia! Once the entire universe was transformed, masturbation would be a thing of the past. And the Oans would never again have to hear a distant "FAP" from some far corner of the universe.

So that's the history of the Guardians of the Universe and their reasons behind creating the Third Army. If you look up the Guardians on Wikipedia and it's different, just remember that Wikipedia is full of shit.

Looks like a bad case of chronic pocket pool. So the Guardians fired your sticky ass.

If I really documented everything I was doing while reading the Green Lantern Corps #15, I'd have to say this: eleven percent of Gail Simone's Twitter feed is about farts.

So Guy was kicked out of the Green Lantern Corps for too much masturbation. Ironic that now that he's not a Green Lantern, he just can't perform.

Poor little Guy!

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality bicker over John having destroyed Fatality's home planet. They're also trying to figure out what the tiny little piece of Mogo the Planet Green Lantern wants. Mogo has caught the attention of both a Green Lantern and a Star Sapphire which means whatever Mogo wants, it has to do with sex with and without a partner. What a paradox! A mystery! How could this be?!

Aha! When Mogo masturbates, Mogo also copulates!

Meanwhile Salaak is caught watching the Oans discuss ending all free will in the Universe. They're not very happy that he knows their plans but they're even less happy when they realize they've been letting a creature with four hands run security on Oa. Four hands! How could they have been so blind (not from THAT, of course!)? It only takes three hands to run all of the monitors! Just imagine what he was getting up to with that fourth hand! Disgusting!

Back in Baltimore, Guy Gardner can't accept not being a hero anymore. The same way that Hal Jordan felt the need to kick some ass when he lost his ring, Guy hits the streets of Baltimore to do the same thing. I think someone should look into the side effects of wearing a Green Lantern Ring. Seems the withdrawal symptoms are a lot like going cold turkey from Prozac: violent behavior and a death wish. Guy hunts around until he finds the most dangerous guys he can go up against, a homegrown terrorist organization with lots and lots of guns and missiles.

Too bad the people he beats up are undercover federal agents and Baltimore cops.

Whoops!

Green Lantern Corps #15 Rating: No change. Pretty much the only Third Army crossover stuff here was Salaak getting busted for spying on the Oans. This is the laziest crossover in the history of crossovers!