Animal Man #14

Does Animal Man have any powers in Rotworld? Doesn't a living animal need to be somewhere nearby for him to borrow its abilities?

Before Rotworld happened last issue, Ellen had just been taken over by Cliff's vomit. Maxine, Nana, and Socks were the only ones left to combat the Rot and save the world.

Make that just Maxine and Socks.

In the future, Arcane has sent an army of Rotlings and Un-Men after Buddy Baker in The Red. I guess if you read the cover, you knew that was happening. But the cover doesn't show the best thing about the army!

Grifter and Deathstork Deathstroke are dead too! I think Lemire and Pugh decided to take the characters from the worst titles of The New 52 and use them as The Rot's army.

Well, now I know they did!

Felix Faust is leading the Rot troops but he's as human as he ever was. Perhaps The Rot has a problem infecting magic types? Or perhaps Faust just decided to make a deal with Arcane to save his own hide. That makes the most sense since it is Faust and a deal is being made.

Oh. That answers that.

Who might the other turncoats be? Lex Luthor, most assuredly. Maxwell Lord. Rose Wilson. Andrew Bennett. Damian Wayne, the little prick. And probably someone I'd never suspect, like Superman or Wonder Woman.

Beast Boy continues to be the best Beast Boy yet in The New 52. I wonder if Howard Mackie, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco simply ignore the comics by writers that actually know how to write. They should be learning from them.

Yes, Liefeld, I think you should take it personally that Animal Man and his crew are killing Grifter, Deathstroke, Hawkman, and Hawk and Dove. That ain't a coincidence, Big Guy!

Buddy and his warriors defeat The Rot army although I don't know how. I guess they just crushed everything into organic paste and washed it away with a hose. Felix Faust finally declares he didn't want to win anyway. Typical villain! I bet if he could have won, he would have! But villains always come prepared with a Plan B that's usually some stupid remark like they were just testing the hero or the time wasn't quite right to kill the hero or, like Faust here, the whole thing was simply to "deilver [sic] a message." And that message is that Arcane has Maxine held captive in his castle.

Even though the message is obviously meant to lure Buddy Baker away from The Red Sanctuary, Animal Man still has to try to save his daughter. Constantine thinks that if they can reunite Baker with Swamp Thing, they'll stand a chance. Nobody knows what they'll do with their devastated world if they win but they really don't have anything better to do. They head out to find Swamp Thing and march on Arcane's castle.

Oh? Who's guarding the castle? Rotten Ellen and Rotten Cliff? Or the Rotten Justice League?

Back in the present, before Rotworld happened, Maxine meets up with some kid named William Arcane. He's probably harmless. At least he doesn't have to worry about his allergy to chlorophyll since all the plants are dead. I mean, if he has one of those allergies. They're pretty rare.

Back to the future in Rotworld, Animal Man's group have traveled from San Diego to Central City. So I don't think they're headed toward Swamp Thing's swamp after all. Or I just don't know where Central City is. Perhaps it's on the way. And then the comic book ends with a spoiler for Flash #14!

I guess Grodd defeats The Flash! And somehow avoids turning into a shambling corpse. Perhaps eating the brains of your ancestors makes you immune to The Rot?

Animal Man #14 Rating: No change. My favorite part was where Lemire and Pugh said Rob Liefeld sucks.

Dial H #6

Why is The Embarrassed Pustule blocking Naked Woman?

My only wish after reading the last issue was that Nelson's dial be fixed by the time this issue began. It wasn't much of a wish, actually. Just an expectation that China would get on with the story without boring everyone with a few pages of Manteau fixing the stupid thing. I shouldn't have been nervous since China has shown that he can tell a wonderful story. This issue begins with Nelson taking orders from Manteau.

Nelson is currently housebound due to his being a stereotyped caricature.

Nelson doesn't get why Manteau won't let him out of the house like this, so she pulls out a photo album of all the identities she refused to use over her career. Either their powers were simply too disgusting or the costume embarrassed her (even under her Manteau mask and robes).

She transformed from a character from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and was too embarrassed to be seen in public. Um, not that I blame her.

And on the next page, China takes a jab at Alan Moore.

Ouch!

Now I just want to see all of the identities that Manteau wouldn't use in public because they weren't politically correct! Don't tease me with a whole photo album full of wrong, China Mieville! I guess you just don't want to "put it out in the world" and be considered an insensitive pig. The football mascot redskin character was about as racist as you felt people could handle without upsetting them too much, I guess. I bet one of Manteau's rejects was a guy with a dick for a face!

Nelson and Roxie (that's Manteau's real name that I couldn't remember) currently only have the one dial so they're sharing it. Each day, one of them turns into a new identity and they watch the news and wait for reports of crimes or disasters.

Who cares what you look like? As long as you have a stunning personality.

Nelson just sits around most of the comic as Chief Mighty Arrow thinking about the past. Roxie knows more than anyone about the Dial and she doesn't know much. Some guy she mentioned in the past named "O" knows a whole lot more but she hasn't said much about him. She didn't know about Nelson's Dial sitting in the phone booth near his house until he activated so she suspects that the Dial's interfere with history when they arrive in our dimension or on our planet.

And they support themselves on the Superman III/Office Space scam.

Nelson's thoughts are interrupted by a news report of a hostage situation happening nearby. He's ready to take to the streets as Chief Mighty Arrow! Inukchuk! But his moment of glory quickly fades as he realizes Chief Mighy Arrow's trusty steed "Wingy" has arrived on the scene to take care of business.

And he takes them all out with precision aim! I wonder if Roxie has ever had to use that kind of power?

Eventually the news reports a costumed powerhouse rampaging through Littleville. People need help and that's when Nelson transforms back into himself. At the same moment, Roxie finds some information online that may lead them to another Dial. But before they can hunt it down, Roxie takes their current Dial because it's her turn. She transforms into some kind of mechanoid with a wrist watch made of a galaxy. And the issue is over.

Dial H #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is exactly the kind of issue that most of The New 52 needs once or twice a year but not many of them do it. A moment for the action to subside so the reader can spend some quiet time getting to know the characters and letting the characters become comfortable with their new situations. Poor Supergirl needed one of these stories for 13 comics but the creative team just kept throwing one battle after another at her. It wasn't until she did have time to stop and talk with Superman before finding her underwater fortress that the story really got interesting. This issue was really well done and nicely paced. And next issue, the search for a new Dial begins!

Green Arrow #14

If Hawkman were showing up in any other New 52 comic, I'd say it would decrease sales. But who knows? Maybe a tiny little Hawkman bow is what this pile of Green Arrow shit needs.

Last issue, Green Arrow was just arriving back in Seattle when he noticed one Hawkperson being assaulted by a bunch of other hawkpersons. When a Super Hero stumbles upon a group of people in a violent conflict, how does he decide which side he should join? Does he just automatically side with the underdog? Green Arrow is anti-establishment, so I can see him diving right in to help the person that is outnumbered. But what if this were Superman flying by? I guess that's when you'd have one of those covers stating, "Hawkman versus Superman! Who will win?!?!"

Now, now. That's not a completely ridiculous question. Superman is only as powerful as the current writer wants him to be. Look over in the pages of Grifter where he defeated Midnighter and Apollo! Hilarious!

I'm actually not sure what side of the battle Green Arrow has chosen in this conflict because last issue simply ended with him jumping out of a stealth jet without any problems.

"I guess that clears up everything. No more questions here!" "But what about the tow line and speed of the jet and elasticity of the...." "I said no more questions!"

How dare that cynical asshole try to ruin my enjoyment of a Green Arrow comic? Especially when he's got such a huge guest star in Hawkman. And boy am I enjoying this! Green Arrow swinging around on a rope dangling from a Stealth Jet and having more control over his motions than the Warhawks. Emma hanging from the second rope Green Arrow brought with him using a tiny little hollow axe and, like Green Arrow, totally in control of her movements in the sky battle. And Hawkman proving he's innocent of murder by killing the innocent men chasing after him simply doing their job. It's all just such a fucking treat.

Everybody's dream last words: "It's my job." Notice that even as a last sentence goes, it's stated flatly with no emotion. At least give this poor sap an exclamation point! Does the Hawk-Military Budget not allow for it?

On the other side of the two page spread with the guy following orders, the Seattle skyline can be seen. I scanned it for half a minute and was impressed that they Space Needle hadn't been shoved in to indicate this city was Seattle. But that's because I was looking for where it was supposed to be instead of where the artist shoved it.

I was almost impressed the artist decided to draw the skyline to the right of the Space Needle. That's like drawing Paris without the Eiffel Tower in the shot! And then I saw it off to the right.

This is where it actually is. Over there! To the left! Credit for this beautiful shot to RyanManuel of Flickr. You can probably get a shot of the Space Needle off to the right of downtown but I you won't be over water.

I don't really care about that whole Space Needle thing. I'm just blogging my reactions and commentary on Green Arrow as I read it and was almost fooled into praising Freddie Williams II for leaving out the Space Needle! Just like in the DC Universe Presents Zero issue when I pointed out a shot of Paris without the Eiffel Tower but then spied it between buildings in the distance. I guess if they were in St. Louis, the Arch would have to be in the shot. And in London now, the London Eye seems to establish the setting. Oh, the Sydney Opera House in Sydney is a location establishing bit of architecture as well. I feel bad for cities that don't have a prominent structure with which to tie their entire identity!

At some point during the fight, Green Arrow believes the Warhawks are retreating. But that's because he doesn't understand Thanagarian fighting tactics the way Hawkman somehow does!

I know how he knows! Wikipedia!

Luckily Green Arrow has a Chain Mail Netting Arrow that he can shoot which unfurls a giant net made of chain mail right in the path of the dive-bombing Warhawks. For some reason, the Warhawks were dive-bombing the empty space between Green Arrow and Hawkman. What kind of stupid attack was that? Maybe they were hoping to upset them with the slight breeze they created as they zipped past.

And then the Warhawks give up far too easily. They decide to simply take Emma and retreat. That Nth Metal really is powerful! Oh, and, um, Green Arrow was pretty intimidating as well.
Next on their to-do list is to get Emma. And how are they going to do that? Ollie's weapons guy develops an arrow that shoots two liquids which, when synthesized, will turn the Warhawks' armor to sludge. He was inspired by some beetle he read about or saw or made up or something. He's so excited about the inspiration that he makes a power point presentation for Hawkman and Green Arrow.

That beetle needs to be careful not to masturbate with two hands.

They make the stuff, it works, they save Emma, and they get the whereabouts of Shayera. Whatever happens next happens in Deathstroke #14. During the course of his adventures this month, Green Arrow also learns that someone besides Emerson (the guy that always yelled at him at Queen Industries) is trying to ruin Queen's company and that Green Arrow still wants to kiss Suzie Ming right on the mouth.

Green Arrow #14 Rating: No change. I guess if I wasn't such a cynical bastard, this issue would have been fine. Maybe. It wasn't very good, actually.

P.S. I just missed The Simpsons' Wacky Races Couch Gag due to reading this crap. Thanks a lot, Ann Nocenti!

G.I. Combat #6

The Haunted Tank is living in the past. Even if there is a Fourth Reich, it isn't necessarily an instrument of evil.

Here are some comic book titles that I would choose to read before reading a comic book called "The Haunted Tank."

The Unflushed Toilet.

The Stale Potato Chips.

The Abandoned Wok.

The Beleaguered Prostitute.
I know, I know! Y'all want to see this one as well since I took the time to draw the other ones. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's one thing to put the title out there into the world and another one to draw it and create the character of the beleaguered prostitute. If I drew her, she'd somehow become real and I'd have to take responsibility for her troubles and tribulations. But that doesn't mean I still wouldn't rather read about her than the Haunted Tank.

When I was in first grade, I drew a picture of a haunted house that was put up in the Santa Clara Triton Museum of Art. Well, maybe not the actual museum. But they had these outlying structures that were kind of like round houses with elevated floors where they hung art for special occasions. They must have been showcasing art from students in the area and my haunted house was too extremely awesome not to be put on display.

Unless it really was in the museum proper. I don't really remember it very well. I was only six years old! My mother is coming up to Portland to visit for Thanksgiving this year. I think I'll ask her to dig up the picture so I can scan it and submit it for everyone to be amazed. She might also remember the story better. Or I can learn it was all a lie and she had a friend hang the picture up in her garage and took me by the "museum" to see my work.

The reason I'm not talking about The Haunted Tank is because it's not worth talking about. Also, nobody is reading G.I. Combat except for people like me reading DC's entire New 52 line. Which means nobody is actually reading this commentary by me either! So I can fucking say whatever I want here. Maybe I should tell a story that I've never told anybody before in my life?

Oh! Here's one that makes me look awful and socially incompetent. But I take no responsibility for anything the twelve year old me did! That guy is long dead!

It was seventh grade and one of my best friends was Davide Bettencourt. Name not changed so that he can read this confession if he ever Googles his own name. What first really caused Davide and I to hang out as much as we did was his Apple II computer. I still remember in sixth grade standing just on the edge of the field during recess as he described one of his computer games to me. It was a little game called Wizardry. It sounded like everything I'd ever wanted out of a video game! A dungeons and dragons simulation that needed no dungeon master! He described how he had been exploring the first level and he found a sign that said "Corridor Off Limits! Turn back!" I had to play this game!

I ended up spending a lot of time with Davide playing Apple II games, Dungeons and Dragons, and video pinball since his father had a cabinet of the arcade game in their garage. In 7th grade, we began walking to school together since his house was on the way to Buchser. We'd usually walk home as well and probably spend the late afternoon playing games.

One morning before leaving for school, I noticed a fiction book near his computer called The Sword of Shannara. It looked interesting since I read a lot of fantasy books at the time. A few days later, I had my own copy having convinced my mom to take me to B. Dalton's Bookseller to pick it up. The morning I took it to school, I didn't show it to Davide. I decided to hide his copy behind his other books so that he'll see me with my copy in class and think I took his book. Ha ha. Big prank, right?

Yeah, well that's exactly what happened. He called me up after school that same day and accused me of taking his book. I told him this was mine and he said, "We'll see. I wrote my name in it. Show it to me tomorrow." I couldn't believe it! He had accused me of taking his book? What a jerk! Suddenly the joke didn't feel so funny. The next day, I brought the book for his examination. He scrutinized it closely, raising his glasses up to squint at the page, making sure no white out or eraser had been applied. Everything checked out and he let out a sort of hmph noise and that was that.

But that wasn't that, was it? I felt upset and betrayed that he would really think I stole his book. Sure, it was completely stupid and illogical. But maybe part of me wanted him to be angry. Perhaps we had simply been spending too much time together. And I could be a real selfish narcissistic asshole. At the time! Remember how I said that 12 year old is long dead?

That morning, the silence between us suggested our friendship was running on fumes. Once he realized his name wasn't in the book, he may have figured the whole nonsense was done. He'd just have to find out what really happened to his book. Of course, it was right there not two feet from where he was examining my book and I could have easily revealed it and said, "Ha ha! It was a joke! Sorry!" But I didn't. And I was upset in a way that I couldn't vocalize at that time. Betrayed and confused and really over my head with the emotions this seemingly innocent prank had brought to the surface. I knew we wouldn't be hanging around together much more.

So the next morning, I brought a magnet with me to Davide's house and ran it across all of his diskettes. He didn't suspect a thing at the time. Everything to him was still normal. We still walked home from school together that day but everything he did bothered me. He picked a flower on the way home and began ripping the petals from it. Every time he did it, I'd stop and let him walk further and further ahead of me. He occasionally turned back and asked what was up and I don't think I even responded. He headed up his stairs and I went home. I think he ended up calling me later with a short conversation saying his mom was going to be taking him to school and he couldn't walk with me anymore. And that was that. I started walking to school with Philip Newby after that day.

I don't think Davide ever confronted me about what I did. We just stopped talking. One day, Phil asked me about it. He said Davide's sister saw me erase the disks. I, of course, denied it. But I'm sure Phil knew. And even if it were untrue that Davide's sister saw me, it was damn obvious that I was behind it. It's one of the shittiest things I've ever done although I'm sure I've done others that compete with it since then.

I don't know if the twelve year old me was really ever sorry for what he did. But the me of nearly every year since then has been. That 12 year old was a complete jackass.

And then I read some of The Haunted Tank!

Ten pages into The Haunted Tank and all of Scott Stuart's army buddies have been gunned down by the enemy. It's just old man Jeb and his grandson Scott and the Haunted Tank and the disembodied voice of The General left to complete the mission. The mission would still be a mystery except that the cover stated it plain and simple: The Fourth Reich needs to be found!

As the Haunted Tank rumbles across Afghanistan, Crazy Old Man Stuart tells Scotty all about his adventures in World War II while manning the Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank's mission was to combat all of the weird, mystical stuff that Hitler was up to. As everyone knows, Hitler was after all kinds of mystic and religious artifacts like The Ark of the Covenant and The Holy Grail and The Spear Longinus.

I knew Nazi Zombies were based on historical evidence! Because comic books present historical evidence!

All of the panels showing the weirdness that The Haunted Tank and its crew had to face makes me simply wish that this book was that old book. Nordic Giants. Valkyries. Nazi Robots. Miniaturation. Zombies. Screaming Luftwaffe. That comic book looks like a lot of fun! I guess that's why the Haunted Tank is after the Fourth Reich! That way, the Haunted Tank can battle crazy shit brought to life by a secret Fourth Reich that has been working on mystical and technological craziness for seventy years! Otherwise, the Haunted Tank is simply going to have to run over Taliban foot soldiers with out-dated soviet weapons.

And the Haunted Tank does it's job by taking its two man crew to Antarctica The North Pole to confront yet another Nazi war machine!

Nazis in the Arctic? I wonder if the "N" in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. stands for "Nazi"?

And then it's the continuing story of The Unknown Soldier having to deal with a bunch of radicals with crazy fucking demands.

Make that fucking reasonable demands.

So the horrible terrorists that The Unknown Soldier sound like they really want to improve the government. But tie their wants to violence and the belief that the antichrist has come, and now those demands really sound crazy! I'm pretty sure the antichrist crap is government disinformation to get The Unknown Soldier to attack a group that threatens the government's status quo.

Someone gets a lead that sends The Unknown Soldier into a completely different set of circumstances. So first it's about this Red Jihad being exploded all over America. And then it's about The Constitution Army threatening to improve things. Then there's random violence and a terrorist threat. Now it all comes down to a fake computer game company that's going to steal from a bunch of banks using hackers and everything else was just a smoke screen to distract the government. But it didn't work because The Unknown Soldier found them all! Too bad the issue ends with him being shot in the back of the head.

I mean too bad for him! I'm all for this story arc ending early.

G.I. Combat #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. It only loses one rank this month for the uninteresting Unknown Soldier story. The Haunted Tank story was mostly lame as well but I liked the flashback panels and imagining what a great comic book this would be if it simply reprint old issues of The Haunted Tank.

Earth 2 #6

Is this a Rotworld crossover?

Last issue, DC was about to be nuked by the so-called Good Guys to destroy the Grundy threat. That seems like a pretty good plan since Grundy just used The Atom's atomic energy to accelerate the decay of the Earth. Oh wait! That makes it seem like a really bad plan. Meanwhile Alan Scott has meditated his way into The Gray to find out how to stop Grundy. If The Avengers movie was released on Earth 2 then maybe Alan Scott will realize he can send the nuke headed toward DC into The Grey and then they can go out for Shawarma. Or as Americans call it "Arby's."

Mr. 8, Terry Sloan, purports to be the smartest man in the world. His decision to feed Grundy more nuclear energy reveals that he's just an idiot with a great public relations campaign. If he actually was the smartest man on Earth 2, he'd come up with a plan other than "wipe out everything with a nuclear missile." That's the kind of answer that unimaginative, unthinking war mongers would come up with because they grew up believing that a fist to the face of your opponent was somehow a winning debate technique. Not that this is the time to debate Grundy! Although the Earth 2 Grundy does seem to have a better grasp on the English language than his Super Friends counterpart, so maybe it would work!

Now I sound like that idiot kid Noah in Action Comics #14 who eventually had his face melted off. Oops! Sorry for the spoiler! That isn't much of a spoiler anyway. And maybe Superman can still save all the people with their faces melted off. Maybe he can fly around Mars really, really fast and reverse time like in Superman the Movie. Or go back in time. Whatever he did so that Lois didn't choke on a mouthful of dirt.

As the time for nuclear annihilation ticks down, the "wonders" begin to fall. Without the Green's Guardian to combat The Grey's Guardian, the "wonders" simply fall one by one to Grundy's Hentai tentacles.

That's just the Green Guardian's body. His spirit is off diddling his dead fiance.

Alan Scott spends way too much time in the arms of his dead, fake, fungus lover deep within The Gray. Does this mean he's going to come out of The Grey and five years will have passed by on Earth 2? Since it's just his spirit that went deep, deep inside his enemy's secret place, I don't think the time dilation effects will kick in. And I think spending that time inside Grundy's Grey Area was the plan all along. He just needed enough time before The Gray itself, like any good villain, revealed the way to stop its plans.

All The Grey did was try to trick Alan Scott with his former lover? Oh! So Alan Scott will have to trick Grundy with his former lover! Um. Ewww. I don't think I want to see that.

Alan Scott returns to his body, grabs Grundy, and flies him high up into Earth's atmosphere. He tells Grundy that he knows how to defeat him and begins putting "Grundy's Lover" plan into action.

Oh man. I really, really don't think I want to see this!

I'm not going to paint a word picture of what Alan Scott does with those missiles he plucked out of the air before they could hit DC. I'm not going to use the word "orifice" or "suppository" or "atomic anal rape." Mostly because none of those apply. Alan Scott throws the missiles into deep space and exiles Grundy to the moon. So I guess "the plan" The Gray revealed to Alan Scott was one of omission and not one of love. Don't try to defeat your opponent. Instead, remove him from the field of battle. That makes more sense than the sexy one I came up with.

Alan Scott also learns that he loses his powers the further he gets away from the Earth. The Earth is his Power Battery. But he doesn't need to recharge. He just needs to keep the cord plugged in. As long as he remains near Earth, he's all-powerful. And that's why when Hawkgirl and The Flash try to set up some sort of "society of justice" with him, he declines. Because their powers are stupid! But then this title isn't called The Justice Society, is it? It's simply Earth 2. At first I figured, "Oh, Scott will come around after a few more story arcs." But really, why should he? Simply because the fans are expecting The Justice Society? Maybe that can happen around issue #75. But for now, I like this set-up. Various members of the original Society are spread out doing their own things across Earth. Atom and Sandman are military men. Hawkgirl is on the run with The Flash. Green Lantern is the protector of the Earth. Wildcat is still boxing. And Mister Terrific is still tied up in Terry Sloan's attic somewhere. Where? Find out next issue!

Earth 2 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm giving it a bump of two ranks simply because it's a far better comic book than a ranking of 29 would suggest. Although that might be a good thing. A quick glance at the ranks and moving this up two forces down other comics seemingly ranked too low as well. And looking up the ranks, I don't see much I'd really change. Which means at least 29 of The New 52 seem to be worth reading. Possibly more but even 29 is far more than I would have guessed, especially since G.I. Combat is next up. Get ready for the martial arts shenanigans of The Haunted Tank!

Stormwatch #14

Apollo Unleashed? Erotic!

Last issue, Etrigan made his first current appearance in The New 52. And I can't wait to see what becomes of him. I hope he gets his own title in the Fourth Wave!

Etrigan is much stronger than I expected because he seems to have killed Midnighter with a simple backhand from last issue. Or maybe Midnighter and/or Apollo are better actors than I realized. It's not like I automatically assumed that they regularly took part in a community theater program. Well, maybe Apollo. But Midnighter is way too busy pretending to be Batman. Oh wait! That's acting!

I'm also a bit distracted while trying to read about Etrigan's reminiscence of his revolution in Hell because of an advert for the Red Hood and the Outlaws Trade Paperback.

All this tells me is that Popmatters will say anything and flush its dignity and respectability as a reviewer down the toilet simply to get a mention in a DC Comic book. Respectability. A small price to pay as a reviewer. Listen to a real literature guy with a stupid degree and everything: Red Hood and the Outlaws is HORRIBLE.

Anyway. See how literary I am? What a great fucking segue back into the action! Midnighter is down and unconscious and he probably seems dead because he can probably slow his breathing and his heartbeat way down to recover from blows like the one Etrigan gave him. And Apollo may have some pretty good fire power (especially when he's unleashed) but he's really no match for a guy that can spit hellfire.

So backup arrives.

Midnighter groggily gets to his feet because he wasn't dead. Surprise! But he also didn't do anything special to seem dead. It's just that Apollo is an idiotic drama queen.

By talking to the city, Jack Hawksmoor learns that Madame Xanadu was behind Etrigan's imprisonment and that the Demon Knights were somehow involved. So now he knows that Etrigan is one of Stormwatch's ancient enemies. Okay, so he knows something that is wrong. But it wouldn't be totally incorrect to refer to Etrigan as "Stormwatch's Frenemy," right? Especially now that Etrigan woke up so grumpy.

At least Etrigan will be sticking around in his new mortal home, the sensitive guy that draws crayon pictures.

Throughout the battle, The Engineer continued to act bitchy and on edge. She expects Jenny Quantum to keep up a dark radiation shield that will end up giving everyone in the area cancer but Jenny refuses. After the battle, she forbids any relationships between members of Stormwatch or she'll report it to the Shadow Lords. She also finds some old files on Etrigan in the system but all of the files are locked, something she's never encountered before. So that's not going to make her any easier to be around. And to top it all off, Harry Tanner has infiltrated the Shadow Lords as The Fourth Man and convinced them to fuck with Stormwatch in some way that won't be revealed until next issue.

And finally, the issue ends with a little soap opera drama.

If the soap opera took place in Arkham Asylum. "Crazy Days and Psycho-erotic Nights."

Stormwatch #14 Rating: No change. What started out as the exciting return of Etrigan simply petered out this issue. His return to the current DCnU accomplished, he simply was chased away to inhabit a new non-Jason Blood body. The Shadow Lords story moved forward a bit and more drama took hold of the relationship between Apollo and Midnighter. I'm not sure how Apollo could really argue with this development though. He had to have noticed that he's in love with a violently psychotic homocidesexual.

Action Comics #14

Oh! The Multitude are the guys destroying worlds, right? The reason the Collector of Worlds bottles things! Culmination!

Look at Superman! What kind of a guardian of Earth is he? I'm not talking about letting the Multitude zip past him. Look at the look on his face! He's clearly simply thinking, "Oh man. The Earth is fucked."

The action begins on Mars where a group of international (now interplanetary!) space travelers are setting up a Mars Base. It took me a couple of pages to realize that they're on Mars even though the whole thing was done with a red tint. This is why the nerd in my was mixed up (Warning: "Actually" incoming):

Phobos and Deimos are not spherical.

I should quit reading this comic book right now! How dare Rags Morales screw up something so important? I could stand Superman getting enough energy to leap into space by accelerating up the ramp of a tow truck without the truck completely collapsing beneath him. I can accept a man infused with Kryptonite wearing a wife beater with a 70s mustache and a jones for killing Superman. I can accept men from the 5th Dimension and a super intelligent robot from another planet and miniaturized people and phantom dogs tracking their boys across light years through space. But I will not ever accept this picture as being Mars, Phobos, and Deimos! They're just testing my credulity at this point!

Oh, I guess I can also believe a bunch of astronauts from different countries constructing a base on Mars suddenly being attacked by alien construction vehicles and yelling for help and Superman, down on Earth inside the noisy Daily Planet building, hearing their cries! Maybe I should just let the moon thing go since now it just sounds like I'm flaunting my useless knowledge of the shape of Mars's moons instead of actually having been confused about the opening scene's location. Pointing out the moon thing was just a way to make me feel less stupid.

The colony's life support system has been destroyed and the colonizers believe they have just an hour left to live when Superman arrives to begin beating up alien dump trucks and metalek bulldozers. They look on in amazement! Or disbelief. Maybe they're looking at Mars's moons?

See? International! Japanese. Canadian. Indian. Mexican. American. Just think of the delicious food these guys are eating!

Amid their dinner of sushi, ketchup-flavoured potato chips, vindaloo, tamales and french fries, the colonizers are saved!

Oh come on! Now they're just rubbing it in my face! Why is that saying never as sexy as it sounds?

I forgot to mention that Mxyztylplk's Mxyzptlk's nemesis was also on planet watching from the safety of his own space suit. Hasn't that little Mxyzprick caused enough damage already?

One of the astronauts is also a small boy. At first, I wondered what the purpose of that would be. And then it dawned on me: this is a fucking one way mission! These people are giving up their lives to build the base and spend the rest of their lives on Mars. If they're successful, another mission with more people and supplies can come to Mars and they'll need someone to guide them through the set up if the next mission takes too long: the boy. Eventually there will be two-way travel between the planets but that definitely isn't the first priority. The boy, by the way, helps Superman by giving him innocent little boy advice: tell the Metalek that humans are on Mars for the same reason they are. Both groups want to rebuild it into a place they can live so why can't they work together?

After Superman pummels a steamroller and a wrecking ball (yeah, this fight is a five year old boy's wet dream (Did I just type that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I should have said, "This fight would give any five year old boy a hard on.")), he gives Metalek the boy's message and Metalek seems to agree. The aggression stops and Superman rescues the last two colonists trapped in another building. Turns out Metalek are simply trying to survive by outrunning the Multitude. It also turns out that they aren't doing a very good job of it because the Multitude is right on their bumpers.

See? Culmination!

Superman leaves the colonists to defend themselves inside their colony bubble while he goes outside to investigate the coming choir of alien angels. It's at this point in the story the reader learns the young boy's name is Noah. Now this is significant in a lot of ways. Perhaps it's because the boy will survive a flood. No, if that were simply the case, Morrison would have named him Utnapishtim. Perhaps his name is Noah because he'll survive the Multitude's judgment against Earth and create some kind of covenant with them so that a rainbow is put into space? No, I don't believe that either. What I think it actually means is that by the end of this issue, the boy will be naked and drunk lying in his space bubble.

Oh stop it!

Superman then faces off against a bunch of angels. The script is written to make it seem surprising that the Multitude look like angels but since I have a copy of the comic book with the front cover intact, I wasn't surprised at all! Even Metalek joins in the fight. But there are too many! It's a multitude, after all! Superman retreats back into the Space Bubble to get some advice from Noah. The only information Superman currently has is that his father, Jor-el, defeated the Multitude years ago. Krypton is the only planet to ever survive their coming. Sure, they didn't have long to celebrate but they still survived. Now Superman has to figure out how his father did it. And that's why I said he needs to get some advice from Noah. The kid has already shown that his out-of-the-box innocent way of seeing the world solar system worked one time. Now Superman's going to have to go back to Noah's well.

Interestingly enough, Noah is the only character in Genesis to never deal with wells.

I would like to say I was right but Superman comes up with a plan that's every bit as technosilly as something Mister Terrific might have done. It has to do with creating a 10 gigawatt electrical field that extends into the 5th Dimension and affects every single angel at once since they're actually all part of one extra-dimensional weapon.

So he blasted them with 10 Gigawatts of power. That means they went forward in time and then back in time and then back in time and then forward in time and then forward in time and then back in time and then back in time and then forward in time and then were struck by 0.32 Gigawatts of electricity. So they should still be here except a bit crispier and exhausted from all of the time travel.

After the Multitude disappear, Superman searches for the mystery man that everybody has been talking about. He finds him with a crispy fried hand just like I said he would! And he's disoriented from all the sudden time travel, I bet! That's why Superman is finally able to catch him!

Stupid Superman keeps ignoring the panel's boundaries!

It's not just Noah that gets his face melted off. Vindictive X melts the faces of all the other colonists as well! Superman impotently tells Vyndktvx to stop it. Knock it off. Don't murder everyone. But since Vyndktvx is an evil little bastard, he doesn't stop it at all! Instead, he transforms into a little 5th dimensional devil man throws some truth Superman's way!

Someone eventually had to say what we've all been thinking.

I don't know. He's some kind of 5th dimensional super genius and that's the best line he can come up with? Why not just say he fucked his mom? Or call him a little girl? Maybe point out how tiny his little 3rd dimensional penis is? Sorry, Vyndktvx, I'm just not impressed.

The back-up story stars Neils deGrasse Tyson and simply has Superman visiting an observatory to use his super abilities and the abilities of all the telescopes in the world to watch Krypton explode. Because Superman is 27 and he arrived through a wormhole and Krypton is 27 light years away and that's all the explanation anybody needs.

Action Comics #14 Rating: +0.25 Ranking! The angels of the Multitude were a bunch of 5th Dimensional finger puppets! Come on! That's awesome. Okay, you're right. If Lobdell did it, I would call it stupid. But that's because Lobdell would over-explain it all instead of just telling the fucking story. Morrison doesn't say they're finger puppets. But it's all there to be put together! I'm glad I can enjoy Superman in Action Comics. Maybe I'll relax a bit and stop being so bitchy about the other bad writers. I'm in a really good mood right now! Maybe it'll last all month!