Animal Man #12

Perhaps Cliff and Ellen shouldn't come along on this trip.

Judging from the start of the comic, Cliff isn't going along. He's collapsed from whatever the Hunter did to him and tucked away in a motel with his grandmother. Ellen refuses to let Buddy take Maxine on his own though. She feels she failed at keeping Cliff safe so now she's going to keep as close an eye on Maxine as she can. While she, you know, leaves Cliff alone again and in possible danger. Maybe Ellen's mom still has her shotgun. That should do in a pinch.

Socks is the second best character in the DCnU next to Dex Starr.

Socks teaches Buddy how to reach through the red and into the green so that he can find Swamp Thing. The trick is to follow all the threads within the food chain. Touch an alligator which ate a bird which ate a berry and you're now in the green. I imagine it would be the same for the rot. Touch a crow that ate some roadkill and Buddy could track down Anton Arcane. But since he's only searching for Swamp Thing, he simply does that first one with the alligator.

And seven pages later, we catch up to the end of Swamp Thing #11!

And maybe I spoke too soon about Cliff not going with them! While his grandmother steps into the bathroom to get him a wet cloth for his fever, he disappears. Maybe his grandmother will give chase and end up in Rotworld as well! If she brings her shotgun, she might be okay.

Speaking of using a shotgun on The Rot, how do you win against The Rot in a fight? Dead things belong to it so killing dead things just makes them dead again so they can be reinfected by The Rot. Do you need to sew seeds and throw earth worms on Rot Creatures? I bet that would work. Maybe get some of those flesh eating beetles too!

Back at Arcane's portal to Rotworld, Buddy Baker tells Swamp Thing the plot of the first eleven issues of Animal Man. Sheesh! I could have simply started with this issue and saved a lot of time! Dirty tricky comic book publishers. Swamp Thing listens and realizes that his fight is the same as Animal Man's. They should work together to stop the Rot from getting out of control. And that means entering the portal and going after Anton Arcane.

Eww! Romance! No wonder this is a Teen Plus comic book! Bleck!

Alec Holland and Buddy Baker jump into the Rot Portal together. Swamp Thing anchors them with a rooty vine so that they can hopefully find their way back. And they disappear into the darkness. And then all hell breaks loose from the portal.

Perhaps Nana and her shotgun should have come with them!

Meanwhile, Cliff is out wandering down some road when he meets a man composed of flies. I think. It was all kind of vague!

Animal Man #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm still a bit unsure about this whole Rotworld 12 issue or more crossover but it's starting out decent enough. And what kind of short stories are going to be told now in an Animal Man book anyway? Ever since he became part of the Lifeweb and more than just a costumed nutcase, his adventures have always meant more and been bigger than stopping a criminal from heisting the crown jewels.

Earth 2 #4

I'm digging Hawkgirl's new look. Yeah, I fucking said digging!

Earth 2 Issue Four begins like this:

Starman?

My knowledge of the Justice Society is mediocre at best. I can't think of any member that this could possibly represent (except my feeble Starman guess). So far we've seen The Flash, Green Lantern, and Hawkgirl as heroes. Wildcat was shown on a billboard for a boxing event. Mister Terrific has been captured by the smartest man on Earth Two. So who's left? Hawkman. Hourman. The Atom. Doctor Midnite. Starman? Green Arrow? Was there a Justice Society Green Arrow? I must be forgetting a female or two, right? Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman could not have been the only women. Was Fury a member or am I thinking Infinity, Inc. at this point? I suppose I could look up a roster but why spoil the surprises at this point, right?

Of course with the tanks (and winged creatures?! Hawkpeople? Maybe the Hawkpeople are the security forces of Earth Two!) exploding around this mushroom cloud face, I suppose it could be a super villain! But the only villain I can think of is Ultra-humanite. And that, again, might be Infinity, Inc. I guess I'll read on then since I'm out of speculation.

The corpses being walked upon by the armored men after the giant face explosion makes it look like the winged people were possibly Parademons. Perhaps there are still pockets of Apokolips resistance here on Earth. Or maybe this is a flashback although I sincerely doubt that since the narration boxes usually make that clear. The armored crew happen to find a little bit more than the dead parademons.

This apparently did happen five years ago. And his name is Captain Pratt. Still no clue.

Well, duh me in the brainpan. It's The Atom. I don't exactly remember the Justice Society's Atom's powers. He can probably change size which is how the giant hand-print he was found in was caused. Perhaps he got his powers from the atomic blast to wipe out the parademons. And he grew big immediately, smashed the ground while thrashing around from the radioactive change, and then collapsed to his normal form and lost consciousness all in the space of a few seconds.

Meanwhile, Grundy can't help being an asshole. It's where The Atom is currently headed. So I'll probably get an example of his powers in a few pages.

Solomon Grundy! Falls apart on Monday! Heart attack on Tuesday! Stays in bed on Wednesday! Watch the walls on Thursday! In love on Friday! Waits on Saturday. Comes too late on Sunday! That was the end of Solomon Grundy!

The Rot caused by Solomon Grundy is worldwide. He's one powerful Rot Avatar. Speaking of Rot Avatars, I have Animal Man and Swamp Thing up next for the Prelude to Rot World! It sounds like the worst amusement park every invented. Anyway, the worldwide rot reaches The Flash and Hawkgirl and they decide to investigate.

I appreciate how careful Hawkgirl is about just hopping on the back and having him take off. I mean, she does do that! But she's cautious about it as he starts until she realizes his energy field (or whatever) protects her as well.

With The Atom ten minutes out (although I suspect arriving any minute) and Alan Scott flying across the Pacific toward DC, Hawkgirl and Jay arrive in DC first. I think they would have arrived in DC first even if the other guys were just around the block.

Thanks for the pep talk, Flash!

Hawkgirl manages to put up a pretty good fight even though every wound she makes on Grundy regenerates almost immediately. She stays out of his reach by flying about but he has control over the dead branches and ivy which eventually grab hold of her and pull her in. He's choking the life out of her when Green Lantern appears.

Conveniently in all of the wreckage, a nice big HDTV broadcasts some news turned up nice and loud for Jay to hear as he runs about saving people.

Where would comic book writers be without the ever present newscast blaring forth?

While Flash is rescuing civilians, Hawkgirl is weeding the area, and Green Lantern is going mano a mano (although I wish they were going mono a mono) with Grundy, The Atom arrives by plane.

Does this really seem like a good idea?

Oh! I guess it was a good idea!

The above panel is the way to do a splash page. I'm sick of seeing splash pages that aren't any more effective for being large (I'm looking at Tony Daniel!). But this works well to show the Atom's increase in size and to display his sudden landing in the midst of the fight.

It seems Hawkgirl has escaped from some government controlled program because she immediately recognizes The Atom as "Al" and claims she'll never go back alive. The Atom calls her Kendra and, hating to disappoint her, grabs her instead of killing her. While still standing on Grundy's exploded mess (which I'm guessing should reform rather quickly, right?), The Atom tells the others to stand down "by the authority of the World Army Council." My guess is they won't stand down at all!

Earth 2 #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Okay, maybe this one issue was only good enough to get a +1, very possibly a +2. But I began this comic ranked much lower than it should have been simply because there was an empty spot in my charts from one of the cancelled books. So for the time being, I'll give it a slight boost to what I think it should actually have based on each month's comic. This is a fun comic book.

Dial H #4

Has Nelson chosen the name "Rotaryman" as his base persona?

All hell was breaking loose at the end of last issue when Ex Nihilo and The Squid had summoned some Great Old One looking thing named Abyss out of The Void before Manteau and Baroness Resin (Nelson!) could stop them.

All hell continues to break loose since Ex Nihilo is unable to restrain Abyss. The Squid tries to calm Abyss down as they were companions long ago before they fell into the Void. But Abyss silences The Squid by filling him full of Void Holes.

A less discerning reader might think he shot him with dark energy. But it's obvious he's removing the space along a directed path causing holes in reality. But not holes actually because they don't lead anywhere and they can't be filled. It's simply missing reality. Or, you know, not.

Baroness Resin notices a figure deep inside Abyss just before Manteau throws a chair at Abyss and Abyss disappears. I don't think the chair had anything to do with Abyss disappearing in a FRRRCRACK of non-light. Perhaps Abyss just couldn't remain materialized for very long. Or maybe Abyss just decided this hotel party was for crap and headed of to the local TCBY. But because of the timing of the chair and the disappearance, Ex Nihilo begins blaming Manteau for driving Abyss away. The chair is just a convenient excuse though. Everyone knows Ex Nihilo would be blaming Manteau anyway. Those bitches just don't get along.

Ex Nihilo knocks Manteau out with her Magic Crystal Gun. She takes her Rotary Dial and Squid grabs Manteau. Baroness Resin tries to stop them but turns back into Nelson before she can do anything. Ex Nihilo recognizes him as Darren's friend so she unmasks herself, revealing that she's Doctor Wald, Darren's specialist after his beatdown by his gangland friends. She decides to play super villain and explains to Nelson how she got to where she is today.

A walking nothing? Also, Nullomancer sounds like a Places and Predators Specialist Mancer Class. It probably is now! I should also make a Randomancer which acts like the Dial H Rotary Phone heroes.

The Squid poisons Nelson with his finger ink and he and Ex Nihilo leave with Manteau and her dial. They think that Nelson was somehow piggy backing off of Manteau's dial, so they don't think to check him for a dial of his own. I guess it's time for Nelson to create his Rotaryman costume and rescure Manteau!

Abyss and The Squid were banished into the Void by other heroes using Dials. Are these villains from a past run of Dial H for Hero? The man who was used as a doorway to bring Abyss into our world was the brother of one of the Dial Users who banished Abyss. Was this one of the original stories?

Ex Nihilo begins torturing Manteau in an effort to find out where Abyss went. Manteau doesn't know. But Manteau does know how to use the Dial and it's possible she tells Ex Nihilo because a new Dial Hero appears! While Nelson is watching Abyss run wild in the streets on the television (because his dial is broken again), he sees another weird hero arrive on the scene.

It must be Ex Nihilo. She has the Magic Crystal Gun on her back.

While Nelson watches helplessly, he's visited by The Squid.

Since I have nothing irreverent to say, I figured I'd just scan this whole scene.

Apparently Squid Boy can't shut up, so here's some more of his exposition.

So Abyss is an escaped slave? Or escaped cattle!

The Squid needs Nelson's help to stop Ex Nihilo. She's just pissing Abyss off and The Squid thinks if Abyss gets angry enough, he'll eat the sun. But if Nelson helps stop her, The Squid might be able to talk some sense into The Abyss and they'll go back to romping about the galaxy as petty thieves. But Nelson points out that his Dial is broken and only Manteau can fix it. The Squid suggests they go rescue her. Vernon and his crew are holding her in a warehouse nearby and they're nervous about all of these crazy super heroes. So it's time for Nelson to play pretend!

Nelson just went full retard.

Squid and Rescue Jack easily overpower the guards by squirting finger ink at them and throwing wrenches at their heads. The guards do have guns but seem to forget how to use them once they're scared out of their minds. Nelson rescues Manteau and discovers she's actually an old woman. He gets her back in costume just as Vernon busts in and shoots The Squid. Rescue Jack takes out Vernon with a sledgehammer and the rescue is complete! I'm sure The Squid is okay.

Interlude: I can hear the Unipiper riding by on Hawthorne as I type this from my backyard. Who, incidentally, is also known as squidkidd.

Abyss is just going about his business robbing a museum of pretty shiny geodes. It loves scintillating jewels and crystals. But Ex Nihilo is still bothering it. She attempts to reason with it when it shows her The Squid and Nelson rescuing Manteau through itself. It becomes a door to their location and Ex Nihilo dives through to stop Squid from rescuing Manteau.

She's no longer Tap Out. My guess is she's Swiss Army Knight!

Dial H #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another issue with a lot of explication and back history. But I really like the origin of The Squid and Abyss. Plus Abyss still has a mystery rider within him that he picked up while lost for decades. Perhaps it'll be another Dial Hero? Maybe the Dial Hero that banished them was caught up in the banishment himself? And since Manteau is as old as she is, perhaps she's one of the original Dial H for Hero characters as well! Maybe.

Detective Comics #12

Shit dude! You don't irradiate Batman! The last thing he needs are super powers! He'll be unstoppable!

Let me begin by saying, Please forgive my for the silliness and jokes of the previous two issues. Batman being nearly killed multiple times is not the time to be telling knock knock jokes and giggling over villain names like Mister Toxic. The tone was whimsical and childish and I'm embarrassed to have taken part in it. That will all change now.

At the end of last issue, Batman was being completely encased in some kind of organism in a chemical mishap in the bat cave.

Yeah, that was a good joke! Batman thought he was....

No! Stop it! The mood is now somber and dramatic! You will not begin with that voice! Batman's safety should be our utmost concern! If he's hurt or killed while we're making light of the situation, we won't be able to live with ourselves!

You can tell Batman is really in trouble because Daniel uses two full pages to show Batman screaming in pain.

While Batman is struggling to set the room on fire, Alfred comes in to help. Alfred says, "Do you want some tea?" Batman says, "Stay back Alfred! But yes, I will have the tea." Alfred says, "Have you discovered anything?" That is Alfred's favorite line to ask Batman. Alfred knows Batman loves to answer the question. Batman likes to show off how smart he is and to show what an amazing detective he can be. Batman says, "What the fuck does it look like, Alfred?!" Alfred plays dumb. Alfred loves to play dumb because Batman likes to look smart. Alfred says, "Has your bubble bath run over, sir?" Batman smirks through the pain. Batman sees what Alfred is doing. Batman is a great detective; he cannot be fooled so easily. Batman begins to explain when Alfred says, "Good work, sir. You knew the organism would also consume the flames and destroy itself?" Batman grimaces. Sometimes Alfred gives himself a back-handed compliment by explaining what Batman did before Batman can explain it just to show Batman that he's really just as smart as Batman. Maybe he's even smarter!

Meanwhile at the Dunhill Laboratories, Mister Toxic is causing more death and destruction.

Of course, you could have used the door.

At the laboratory, everyone is very grim and serious as they get about the business of merging Mister Toxic with gross, corpse-like Hugh Marder. Professor Manhart does not want anybody to die or be sad, so he operates the machine to fuse the Marders. But Batman does not agree with this course of action.

This scene is so dramatic it called for another two page spread.

Batman sets Marder on fire just like Batman did to himself. It stops the reaction and Marder does not become a super beast. He simply remains Mister Toxic. Batman carts him off to Arkham and the comic is over.

No, really. That's how short the main story was. It might have to do with the two giant double page spreads and several single page splashes. This comic is Tony Daniel's version of turning in a term paper double spaced with size 24 font.

The back-up story is about Joker's face being locked away in the evidence vault creeping out the cops. The story ends with the editorial blurb: "The Joker returns in Batman #13". Good! At least Snyder will be handling the Joker's return and not Daniel! Oh, and the rest of the story doesn't matter. About a rookie cop standing up to Bullock and impressing him.

Detective Comics #12 Rating: No change. Absolutely nothing impressive here. Although it was the best comic I read today after reading Green Arrow #12 and G.I. Combat #4. Actually it may have been a tie with G.I. Combat #4.

G.I. Combat #4

If you're in a hurry, here's a quick synopsis of my commentary: "Dinosaurs! What a bunch of fucking idiots! J.T. Krul sucks! Cunts!" Time saved!

Remember last issue when Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs? And the issue before that, Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs. And the premier issue was exciting and fantastic because Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs! Boy, I sure hope they fight more dinosaurs this issue!

Oh yeah! But first we have to have the flashback where we learn a little something about our heroes! Characterization happens in flashbacks! Fighting smoke monsters dinosaurs happens in the present!

First rule of Gay Army Orgy Club: Don't talk about Gay Army Orgy Club.

As the two of them discuss what just happened, Ash calls his wife Ashley. Now I'm confused. Maybe Ash isn't really named Ash! Maybe I read the earlier issues wrong. Perhaps I was so excited to get to the dinosaurs that my reading comprehension went out the window. Because that's just weird if they're Ash and Ashley. Or maybe it's supposed to be cute. Or both since half the time, weird and cute go hand in hand. Like Elliot and Ash tromping through the Jurassic Jungle!

You might be surprised to find that what happened was a barroom brawl and not a gay orgy. No, really! And it was apparently started by some other guy who just had to challenge Elliot because he was the blackest biggest guy in the room! And of course, Ash and Elliot had to defend themselves by beating up the bartender as well as everyone else, right? That's why I think my struck out "blackest" was the actual reason for the brawl. These two probably like trolling racist bars so they can get their adrenaline rush beating on ignoramuses.

Uh oh! I just judged people for being racist! I'll probably lose some Tumblr followers for the harsh judging.

Anyway, Ash was all, "I love you buddy even though this was a bar fight and not a gay orgy!" and Elliot was, "Dildo brother!" And Ash was all spitting beer and shit and going, "Did you just say 'Dildo, brother'?" And Elliot stops and cocks his head to the side and goes, "Oh shit! I meant ditto!" And when Elliot clarifies what he meant, Ash secretly slips the dildo back in his pocket because he realizes Elliot didn't really want it right now.

Long story less long: these two got each others' backs! And now cut to the present (can I say present when there are dinosaurs everywhere?):

Ha ha! Let him down! Ha ha ha!

Elliot marches off into the jungle to face off with a bunch of dinosaurs. It's super exciting!

Too bad he doesn't have a saddle!

Oh no! Troublemakers!

The chase!

Stand and fight!

Elliot triumphant!

If it seems like I'm not trying very hard, it's just that I'm reflecting the style of the writing. Oops! I called Elliot's triumph too soon!

Snickety snickt, motherfucker!

Since Elliot is now out of ammunition, the only choice he has left is to go hand to hand with this dinosaur. I'm guessing a Figure Four will immobilize this bitch.

Oh, the Sleeper Hold would have been my second option.

Elliot manages to hop on the dinosaurs back and choke it to death with a garrote. Yes. He manages to asphyxiate the dinosaur as if it didn't have heavy muscles in its neck. And I get the flashback was to tell us how strong this bastard was but I have my doubts he could strangle a dinosaur. And I'm not an Anthropomorphologist but don't dinosaurs breathe through gills in their assholes? Isn't that what the Bible says?

As Elliot sits and wishes he knew that he were in a comic book so that he'd know Stevens is still alive, he gets a static-filled radio message about the beach and safety. He sprints toward the beach and finds his ship!

Whoops!

One raft remains with a couple of sailors. Elliot hops on board, tells them the land is worse than what he just saw in the water (I don't know about that!), and they speed off across the ocean. But what about Stevens?! What has become of him?

Of course, he's already adapted and become super caveman.

The next story is the Unknown Super Soldier, so I'll keep it extremely brief.

The man U.S. caught last issue has just had all of his memories downloaded into U.S. Now he knows the plan and the faces of the white youths that will pull it off. Detonate a biological weapon in the New York City subway system. Since he's now a super soldier, stopping any terrorist threat will be easy. But how will he get around the problem of punching a teenaged girl in the face in a big crowd in New York? Well, since he can disguise himself as anyone, it really isn't much of a problem is it? Just disguise yourself as another teenaged girl and people won't break up the fight; they'll just film it to upload on Youtube.

Oh, well, it actually doesn't matter. With the intel, Homeland Security moves in and arrests all of the young white terrorists. It's a total win by page three! But U.S. has now disguised himself as Zaari the terrorist mastermind. He's going to attend the subway attack viewing party in Dubai with a bunch of other terrorists. I wonder if they got Subway to cater? That would be sweet. When you cut into a sandwich, a puff of red pepper sprays out! Everyone would laugh and choke and then die.

At the terrorist meet and greet, Unknown Soldier finds out that an hour after the subway attacks, the Red Jihad will be unleashed on American Embassies all throughout the Middle East and southern Asia. Which means he has to start killing the guests so that he can alert the proper authorities in time to save some lives!

The next few pages have U.S. killing dozens of men and saving the world. Or something. But then he dies. But only technically. His body shuts down or something as they operate on him and he regenerates. He has a dream that seems to suggest that he didn't actually have a family that was killed and possibly he is simply a clone implanted with false memories. The comic ends with U.S. and his handler, Komal, opening a door to some secret lab. Whatever U.S. sees shocks him. But that won't be until next issue.

Hmm. That wasn't as brief as I thought it would be.

I'll say this for Unknown Soldier: it's getting better. About half of it was just a stupid one man versus an army fight scene. But his character background could prove more exciting than the rest of the pulp.

G.I. Combat #4 Rating: No change. Unknown Soldier is getting better and the dinosaur story wasn't horrible. It wasn't good either! It's just a story to allow the artist to draw a bunch of dinosaurs!

Green Arrow #12

Is the House of Death actually outside?

Oliver Queen has found himself in China acting like a complete douchebag to Mr. Jin Fang, a man that owns nearly controlling interest in Queen's company Q-Core. As someone who isn't a businessman and doesn't understand businessmen (hell, I don't even understand adult men. Am I the only one that saw my father and uncles as real men and never actually felt like I reached that point in my life? Or do all men have that feeling since, unless you're Jewish, our society really has no real rite of passage for boys? (I'm willing to bet that previous parenthetical reference (not this one (that one referenced the previous one!)) would be a much more interesting essay topic than the story contained in this issue of Green Arrow), I'm just guessing that Ollie possibly made a critical business blunder by shaming Mr. Jin. Unless it's Mr. Fang. Fuck, I hope I didn't just insult him as well!

I've never really understood men in suits. Not any man in any suit in any era! I love the television show Mad Men but I have nothing in common with any of the characters on the show at all! It's like going to the zoo and watching the chimps throw feces and masturbate. It's riveting and super fun but I don't feel a connection with any of them. Is it weird to not feel a connection with a chimp that just masturbated while you ate popcorn and watched?

Anyway, Mr. Fang's bodyguards attacked Ollie because that's apparently what everybody in the DC Universe does when somebody dissents.

The issue begins and I guess Ann Nocenti hadn't quite finished with her notes from her night of watching television poker.

If you have no idea what you're doing, then you have no tells. You have nothing. You're not even fucking bluffing. You're just spewing nonsense, you fucking stupid beautifully full eyelashed man!

Ollie's "nuts" are to act like a complete asshole. I don't know what he thinks Mr. Fang is supposed to have him pegged on. Mr. Fang told him his offer to sell the company shares. Ollie responded by telling him to shove it up his ass and generally flipping the fuck out. What the hell is Mr. Fang supposed to read from those tells?

Mr. Fang, Narration Boxing: "I knew Oliver Queen would not accept my offer. And since he insulted me, I know that he will not be swayed from his decision. I thought maybe we could haggle a bit but the way he's choking my bodyguard, I see that he's not willing to negotiate. That means I totally know his position! He won't budge! I'll have to kill him!
Oliver Queen, Narration Boxing: "Ha ha! Mr. Chinaman thinks I'm not going to sell! But I don't know what I'm going to do after I'm done choking this guy. Maybe I'll sell! Who can tell?! I'm reverse telling on my reverse tell after showing a fake tell with a real tell chaser! He'll never know what I'm up to because I don't know what I'm up to! I'VE GOT HIM NOW!"

The second page of the comic is even worse than the first page. It really makes me question my sanity. Am I wrong for finding this overly narrated style of writing obnoxious and lazy? Do people enjoy this? Or will Green Arrow fans put up with anything just to read a comic book about Green Arrow? I'm not going to bother scanning this hackery but I'll blockquote it so all can marvel at Ann Nocenti's professional grip on narrating a story.

First I gotta deal with these two thugs. Figuring out what's going on in the minds of lugheads is rough enough work...but lugheads with face scribbles? It ain't easy. I can tell by their stance they expect me to strike the head or the gut--so I choose the lowly, forgotten kneecap.

Holy shit. How many total issues of Green Arrow have been created across the years? After all this time, now you know why he's such a good hand-to-hand combatant! It's because he plays poker and can read the faces of his enemies! He can see in their eyes that they're defending the high and middle part of their body! So he goes low! It's like Ann Nocenti's only knowledge of fighting is from the arcade game Karate Champ. Actually, Karate Champ mixed with Texas Hold'em.

What's even more interesting about that blockquote above is that Ollie is sitting on the ground when he says it. So the thugs are complete morons if they're protecting their faces while he's sitting on his ass next to their lowly, forgotten kneecaps.

You know what? I give up. I can't finish this comic book tonight. It was when the bear attacked Oliver Queen but it was really a dog and it led to a casual conversation in the middle of the hostilities that put me over the edge.

So. Fucking. Idiotic. I wonder if Ann rereads her shit and just glows all over. You know, the way I feel when I reread my own shit!

It's really unnecessary for me to say this, but I'm off to bed. I'll continue this travesty in the morning for me and after the double-spaced break for you!

Good morning! Now I'm all bright and shiny and positive! I can approach Green Arrow from a brand new perspective! Maybe I should really get a brand new perspective? Perhaps I should get the eight year old boy from next door to read it and I can transcribe his reactions! Hey! Alex! Get your annoying ass over here and read this!

Me: "Here. Read this comic book."
Alex: "Read it to me."
Me: "Oh, fuck off, you retard."

Let's try something else. How about I scan the next page and you make up the commentary yourself! Then send me your comments via the "Ask Me Anything" link and I'll add them to the caption! Good luck! And don't feel nervous about sending me positive comments! Hell, I'd love to hear from people who enjoy this book and why they enjoy it!

"__________________________________________!"

Oliver Queen loses the fight and Mr. Fang gives him an ultimatum.

What kind of a threat is that?

Am I wrong in seeing this as no kind of threat at all? If Ollie doesn't give Mr. Fang his facial recognition software, Mr. Fang will sell the stocks. So Ollie can have anonymous partners waiting to buy up all of the stock when Ollie refuses to give Mr. Fang what he wants! Does Ann Nocenti think that "liquidating shares" is akin to disintegrating them? If Mr. Fang does manage to sell the controlling shares to other people not associated with Queen Industries, it at least allows Ollie to deal with people who might accept something other than his facial recognition software. Am I missing something?

I think Ann Nocenti has the idea of liquidation of stocks and the liquidation of a company confused here. Since Fang has controlling interest (supposedly), he can liquidate the company and start a dog food company with the money. But he doesn't say that! He says he'll liquidate the shares! Different. Different. Die in a fire.

Ann Nocenti has won. I've lost all ability to comment on her writing. Where do I even begin with this compound sentence: "The pollution is awful but the hipsters turn face masks into haute couture"? The connection between those two clauses is so tenuous. I think Ann just wanted to bitch about China but realized it could be anywhere she was bitching about, so she added "pollution" and "rickshaw". Plus, fucking Chinese hipsters!

Ollie can't wait to turn into Green Arrow and go back and kick Fang's ass. I imagine that Nocenti meant Fang was going to liquidate the company even though last issue Fang merely had "nearly controlling" shares of the company. I guess on Ollie's flight over to China, Fang bought up a few more shares. So the answer is, of course, to beat the shit out of Fang. Actually, Ollie just wants to do that because he wants to get even for Fang beating him up. Although Ollie deserved some kind of slap on the wrist for acting like an asshole in their business meeting. I don't think Fang's thugs should have tried to kill him. But maybe Uncle Sam could have bit him on the leg or pissed on his shoes.

Ollie ditches Jimmy Crew and immediately gets captured by Fang's thugs because of the GPS on the phone Ollie stole last issue. He wakes up in a jail cell full of fun wikipedia facts and no actual dialogue to make it interesting.

Look at all the research Ann Nocenti did to make this scene realistic! Shuanggui! Black Boss! Cockroach races! Tongs! But what she failed to do was make the scene interesting!

Green Arrow and his new sidekick, English speaking Chinese Kit Kang, come up with a plan to break out of jail! It's the dumbest plan in the world but it works because the guards are the dumbest guards in the world!

In reality, this would have went like this: "Open the door or your buddy dies!" Guard shoots Ollie in the face without ever opening the door.

Ollie escapes and heads off on his mission to get even with the guy who kicked his ass and is going to destroy Queen Industries. Meanwhile, Jin Fang is raising his parents from the dead so that they can fight Green Arrow. Or something. I guess he at least knows Ollie broke out of the illegal jail and is going to come after him. So he needed some undead protection from his parents.

Green Arrow #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I can't even describe how much I hated this issue. Every page felt like Ann Nocenti wiping her ass with my face.

Batwing #12

This cover screams, "I AM A COVER ARTIST AND I GIVE NO FUCKS!"

I didn't think things were going so poorly last issue that Batwing has to resort to help from Justice League International this issue! But you know what, before I begin commenting on the comic, I'm not done with this cover.

Look at it! LOOK! I'm pretty sure it's half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing's left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand). A few of the characters have the majority of their bodies off-cover while the rest have a good amount of their bodies covered by other characters. No background. And where are they coming from? Batwing and Booster look like they're flying. Nightwing is doing his typical crouch jump. Godiva, Guy, General, and Batman are running down a non-existent hill. And OMAC is just belly flopping into the mix. I would like to say this is the shittiest, laziest, most horrible cover of the New 52 but there have been so many bad ones that I'm just not willing to commit to that statement. Okay. That's enough.

So, this issue looks like Batwing and the JLI (who kind of, sort of possibly still represent the United Nations? Or at least people probably think they do) are about to invade a sovereign nation. Bully for them!

The issue begins with Batwing, Nightwing, and the JLI already engaged in battle with Tundi's protectors, Blood Storm. Eww. Gross. Here's the problem with naming your Super Powered National Bodyguards "Blood Storm." Isn't exactly a picture of nicety-nice, is it?

Tundi Tourism Board: "We have beautiful sandy deserts! We have gorgeous wild animals! The people are the friendliest you can meet! But please, do not come to Tundi! DO NOT STEP FOOT IN TUNDI! Blood Storm, the name of our metagene enhanced protectorates, is a literal name! They will explode you like the fabled blood sausages of Bloodsausagonia! A whirlwind will be created of your vital life's elixir! The gore that used to be infected with your personality will rain down upon our people! Tundi thanks you!"

Anybody want the real names of the members of Blood Storm? The Hooded Reliquary is actually Sniper. Dora the Horror is Striker. So close! The Concierge is Neith (named for the Goddess of War). And Schwa is actually Fallen. Because he fell from the sky! Duh! So those are the real names of the people who are about to defeat Justice League International!

But at least Justice League International were still on their feet and fighting when this comic book begin as opposed to being unconscious like in their own title! At least Judd Winick has a modicum of respect for their abilities. But that fight is getting ahead of the story anyway because Judd likes to tell his stories out of time. He once saw this little movie called Pulp Fiction and he got ideas. Big, lofty ideas that he could never reach so he went with this stupid thing where he starts a comic book in the middle of a fight and then a few pages later he puts up a "10 hours ago" caption.

So, ten hours ago everybody was getting briefed in Haven. Batwing revealed that Tundi had a nuclear missile (care of The Penguin!) and were prepared to use it on a rival nation. Tundi needed to be stopped.

I'm glad to see Booster has the same reservations that I had.

And I'm glad to see Guy doesn't.

Then the team sneaks in and then the team is discovered almost instantly. It's as if the story didn't even need the flashback! Maybe I was wrong about Judd Winick ever seeing Pulp Fiction! Where are the subtleties in the exploded narrative that explain other parts of the narrative? Where is John Travolta constantly missing everything because he's going to the restroom, a habit that eventually gets him killed when he refuses to acknowledge the sign of the bullets that missed them? What am I talking about? Why the fuck do I think any mainstream comic book writer is ever going to impress me at this rate?! Perhaps it's time to call this writing exercise complete and dive back into Grunion Guy's novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous?

You know what used to keep me reading comic books back in the eighties? I was excited to see how the lives of these characters would turn out. Now, 95 percent of all of DC's characters have no personality outside of their super heroing persona. Maybe Batwoman. Nightwing. Batman and Robin. Fuck, Jason Todd if he was being written by an actual writer could be a fucking fascinating read! But instead, Lobdell treats him as a teenager with an attitude. Lobell has had less than five really interesting pages in eleven issues of three different comic books. That's about two percent of his writing on target. Yet if he had a good editor, the editor would read his shit and point to those five pages and say, "This! This is where your story needs to go!" And how the fuck did I end up ranting about Scott Lobdell? Judd Winick dodged a bullet here!

Continuing on with the comic, I find the next few pages quite enjoyable. But I find them enjoyable because of me and my project! I did that little fanfic Tundi Tourism Board thing earlier. So when Batwing and the JLI encounter Lord Battle, he says, "Welcome! I hope you are enjoying the Nation of Tundi! I'm afraid your visit will be a short one!" So even when I'm fucking around, I'm beating these writers to the punch and outguessing most of their moves.

Listen to me! Going on and on, yet again, about how shitty these professional writers are while I've never published anything professionally. But that's okay. I'd like to point to Dwarf Lover to show that I can put a better comic together than this tripe. Oh, and this issue of Batwing isn't even that bad! I've just gotten into complainer mode so it sounds like I'm hating Batwing #12 when I'm really just despising DC in general! It's probably time for a picture!

Like a good mudslinger, I cut out the context for that last narration box because I want everyone to see Batwing saying that the JLI are useless!

Before I continue with the battle and get to the part where they realize how to defeet (misspelling intended!) Lord Battle, let me say that the match-ups shown at the beginning of the comic never happen. When Blood Storm is introduced on the first page of this issue, Nightwing and Godiva are fighting Striker and Sniper. But later when the team is attacked, Sniper fights with OMAC and Booster while Striker battles August General in Iron and Batwing. Fallen does encounter Guy, so that's okay. And Neith attacks Booster and OMAC instead of Booster and August General in Iron as shown on page one. Just wanted to point out that whole discontinuity crap.

With the help of Matu (Batwing's Alfred! The guy that owns the shirt with the incorrect dice on it!), Batwing realizes that Lord Battle seems to gain his power from his connection to the land of Tundi. So OMAC lifts him off of the ground (he DEFEETS him! Bwa ha ha!) and tosses him to Batwing who flies him out of his country's boundaries. Lord Battle loses his power once he's removed but his entire country begins to lose its vitality. Sick people begin dying. Trees wither. Blood Storm become gaunt and weak. Without Lord Battle, the country will die. Lord Battle pleads to let him go back for the sake of his people and his country.

New prison nickname: Lord Butthole!

The issue ends with a foreshadowing page of some asshole named King Shadow who has apparently organized every conflict that Batwing has faced so far in this comic to create an Africa devoid of super powered people (Massacre, Lord Battle, members of The Kingdom) so that he can take over. Good luck, King Shadow, organizing Africa under one rule, even a tyrannical one. It'll never happen. You're defeated before you even started by overstepping what is possible! Jerk!

Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?