Justice League America #60 (March 1992)

Due to the coloring error, I thought Blue Beetle and Fire were holding hands.

It took Giffen and DeMatteis five years to get to this point in the series. It took me three and a half years to review them. I should probably speed this shit up. I've got so many comic book boxes to get through! Maybe, just maybe, I should stop reading comic books from my youth and actually live my adult life? Unless I am living my adult life and that's why it's taken me so long to write all of these reviews? I don't really know what's happening! It was so much easier when I was in college watching Red Dwarf on Sunday nights and feeling nostalgic about high school crushes while watching Sailor Moon and going to the local comic book store to play Magic the Gathering on Wednesday nights!

I just realized I could still be living my life that way! I think I just had a huge breakthrough!

This issue is called "Swan Song" because this is the final issue by Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. Oh, that's kind of what the phrase "swan song" means: a final performance before death or quitting a comic book run of five years. It's also probably called "Swan Song" because it's the end of a version of Justice League America without Superman. They tried it and it was just as abysmal and weak as everybody knew it would be. You could argue that Martian Manhunter is more powerful than Superman (although with a greater weakness (Oreos! I mean fire!)) but then I'd argue back by saying, "Are you a fucking donkey lover? I think you might be a donkey lover! What a stupid opinion!" That argument might not win in court and it might not prove that Superman was stronger but it would satisfy me and a lot of people would start asking questions about how many donkeys you've fucked.

The issue begins with Max's lover lying in bed almost showing her vagina.

I wish this were vertically lenticulated so you could tilt it and see what's going on under that blanket!

I'm just kidding! I don't actually get horny looking at cartoon images! I just like to pretend I do! Like how I pretend I want to get Erin Esurance naked and rub auto collision claims all over her her body! That's just one of my running jokes that isn't true at all and also you should know lying about it on the Internet isn't breaking my parole no matter how often my parole officer sighs when she hears me talk about how I don't actually want to do Erin Esurance.

Wanda and Max have a discussion about how he wasn't in bed when she thought he was in bed. During the climax of this scintillating dialogue, Max reveals that he's lost his Firestarter powers. I don't mean the power to start fires! I mean the other power from that book where a person "pushes" somebody else to do something with their mind and then their nose bleeds. So instead of celebrating by licking Wanda's butthole, he goes for a walk in the dark where he's harassed by a nosey cop. He's okay though because he's a white man in a suit. Cops know if they shoot a white guy in a suit they might actually have to face consequences.

Back at the Justice League Cave, Martian Manhunter tells Catherine he quits and Catherine's eye slides off the side of her head.

"Oh come on, Tess! It's not that bad!" "You got something to say to me, Donkey Lover?"

General Glory comes along to try to cheer up Catherine by mentioning how much he loved Al Jolson when the General was a kid. Catherine interrupts him before he can say what he loved about Al Jolson's act specifically which is probably a good thing. Although we all know General Glory, being a seventy or eighty year old American in 1992, probably had some pretty sketchy ideas about society. Hopefully that's not why Guy likes him so much!

J'onn goes off to make sure Max Lord doesn't leave the League because readers are going to need a few familiar threads linking this issue with the next one. Max acts reticent at first but who does he think he's kidding? Not the readers and certainly not the Martian telepath. He'll still be the leader even if he's only able to convince Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner to stick around.

Meanwhile Blue Jay looks at a photo of Silver Sorceress, Wandjina, and himself and cries. Not like you expect a Blue Jay to cry where it's all, "Rawk! Rawk! Rawk! Rawk! Rawk!", and it won't shut up because your cat keeps looking at it and then it starts dive bombing your cat because Blue Jays can be angry little jerks. He cries like a big human baby cries when people they've loved have died tragically.

Might get what? A boner?

Oh right! Silver Sorceress just died. Sue is asking if Ralph ever thinks he might be killed during battle. Ralph answers, "Yeah, I think about it a lot," which, coincidentally, is how often I think about him dying in battle too!

Guy Gardner and Power Girl argue over who will become team leader because they don't realize Superman will be team leader. Unless Batman is always the team leader. Sometimes he's Shadow Team Leader and pretends he isn't on the team. But he's always watching, just in case! At one point during the fight, Guy says Power Girl has an "oversized butt" and he means it as an insult and it might be the first time I've ever lost a tiny bit of respect for him. He's lucky Ice didn't hear that comment because her butt is pretty juicy too! Mmm, Ice's juicy butt.

Metamorpho and Rocket Red discuss fatherhood while Blue Beetle engages in a fascinating talk with Rocket Red's daughter Tanya.

Why is it cute when a six year old asks this but I keep getting punched in the nose?

I bet Blue Beetle wishes he owned a goat right about now! That's because goats love knocking children on their asses and, being a goat, they can get away with it. If Blue Beetle were to shove Tanya on her ass, he'd get arrested. But if you own a goat and the goat does it for you, it's just funny! And if you get it on video, you could win $10,000! Or you used to be able to win $10,000. Does America's Funniest Home Videos still exist? I can't remember the last time I watched actual network television.

Fire flies around New York contemplating the meaning of being a superhero. She discovers it when a bunch of guys catcall her from the ground. Actually, they praise her and the Justice League's efforts to keep the city safe. But we all know what really would have been shouted if a naked green woman flew over a bunch of male New Yorker's heads. I won't even speculate on that filth! So filthy what with saying where their tongues are going to go and what orifices they're going to put their corncobs and how long they can do the act of doing it. Gross!

The final member to catch up with is Crimson Fox. She offers to help support the League while it transitions to whatever it's going to transition to. See, she has loads and loads of perfume money. Although it was almost stolen by a cult that worshiped giant worms. Everybody thanks her for the offer and they're probably getting ready to accept her check when Max Lord and Oberon walk in and declare they're back in charge! They're figure out how to finance the League and how many people they'll have to fire to afford Superman.

Justice League America #60 Rating: B+. This was a transitional issue full of character-driven scenes to lay the groundwork for whatever's going to happen in the next issue. I'm sure a bunch of people will leave and a bunch of people will be hired. Then a few issues after that, a bunch of the people hired will have to leave the League because DC needs them in another comic book and they'll have to have an issue discussing membership. But eventually the League will be full of characters that DC doesn't mind being in two places at once or don't actually have any other monthly home to appear in. Dan Jurgens will be the new writer and since my biggest problem with Dan Jurgen's stories is that they're all written like they take place in the '80s, I shouldn't have too much of a problem with him seeing as how he's writing these comics in 1992!

Rest in peace, Keith Giffen! You've given me more entertainment than probably any other artist I can point to (other than Johnette Napolitano and Traci Lords!). You created two of my all-time favorite characters: Lobo and Ambush Bug. I remember the first time I saw Ambush Bug on the cover of a comic book lying on the floor of Philip Newby's living room. And I remember him excitedly telling me how hilarious it was. And I trusted Phil's word when it came to funny because he was always laughing at all sort of stuff that I barely understood in elementary school, like Monty Python and Tom Lehrer! I like to imagine Ambush Bug and Lobo sitting around crying and exchanging stories until they move in for a warm, consoling hug and begin kissing passionately only to wind up jerking each other off. I should have begun that last sentence with "I really like to imagine (and often do)"!

Justice League #1 (1987)

This is actually a more impressive line-up than I remember.

I'm pretty sure this line-up is a huge scam. I don't remember Doctor Fate interacting too much with this group and I think Shazam bows out fairly quickly. Batman probably does that thing where he acts like he's leader (even if Martian Manhunter actually is) and only helps out every sixth mission. So at that point, the line-up is already decreasing in strength and intimidation factor quickly. Adding Fire, Ice, and Booster Gold later won't really improve the team much. But I'm getting ahead of myself. My impressions from this initial cover were "Wow! Pretty interesting team!" and "What asshole fucking decided on the shit stencil font for the title?" Sorry, I cuss a lot when I'm writing on the Internet and trying to seem like a bad-ass.

The issue begins with Guy Gardner calling the other Green Lanterns jerks and suggesting, to himself, that he should be the Commander-in-Chief of the new Justice League. Some people would read this first page and think, "What an arrogant fucking asshole." But my stomach got all queasy and I giggled a little bit and I muttered quietly under my breath, "I love him."

I'm not saying it isn't composed of some truly ridiculous aspects but Guy still has the best costume in the DC Universe.

I don't love everything about Guy Gardner because most writers at the time didn't truly understand him. They made him a jerk that nobody would like because they were too cold-hearted to see the brain damaged cool guy that he really was. Guy Gardner often needed to be written by somebody who loved the character; it would have done him a world of good. He could still have been that abrasive jerk. But written deftly, those who actually cared to take the time would see his true self. Sure, that would also be an abrasive jerk! But a little bit more likable!

Stallone was pretty sensitive in a few scenes in Rocky IV!

Black Canary is second to arrive, after which Mister Miracle and Oberon show up. I never quite understood how Oberon fit into the Justice League. Wasn't he like an agent or a manager? Did Batman and Martian Manhunter need Oberon to sign off on every mission or else Scott Free would have to remain behind? I bet he was included just so Giffen and DeMatteis could make dwarf jokes.

Why would Guy choose Sneezy?! Oberon's breathing has been impeccable since he arrived!

Normally after some kind of cynical prediction about the comic book that immediately is proved true, I'd write, "Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!" But it doesn't feel right to say it in this case. I mean, Oberon is present for four panels before he becomes the butt of a joke based on his diminutive nature. And by Guy Gardner, no less! Is this why I loved him so much at sixteen?! What a terrible and typical sixteen year old white heterosexual male I was!

Black Canary (whose costume I'm just now noticing is really fucking weird) responds to Guy's awful behavior by saying, "Dozens of GLs around and we get 'Rambo' with a ring!" That's unfair to Rambo! I'm also unsure who in this story (including the writers of this story) have actually seen First Blood. Gardner is more like the authority mad Sheriff Teasle than the sensitive green beret John Rambo! Rambo should be admired as a hero, battling back against corrupt cops who think they have the right to use as much force as they want for any stupid fucking reason! It's possible they were talking about the Rambo from the second film who gets to kill more than one person because the people he's killing are Russians and Vietnamese. He does get a bit murder crazy in the second film. Or maybe they're talking about Rambo from the third film which wasn't actually out yet so I don't have to read up on it.

Next to arrive are Captain Marvel, Blue Beetle, and Martian Manhunter. Martian Manhunter proves to be a buzzkill, reminding everybody how the old series ended in total death and disaster.

His view of the media is pretty spot on though.

J'onn calls up the files of Steel, Gypsy, Vixen, and Vibe before purging them completely from the Justice League computer. That's probably a good idea, like deleting old joke tweets on Twitter that were a bit racist and also boring.

Meanwhile Maxwell Lord IV watches from a distance, doing that Ozymandias thing where you watch dozens of televisions at once. I think it proves you're a genius whose done the research and contemplated all sides of an issue before making up your totally rational and logical mind about any issue. As opposed to us losers who simply use compassion and empathy to almost immediately understand the correct and most ethical path to take. Maxwell Lord IV watches all of this television and decides the correct course to take is to leave the "America" off of the Justice League of America this time. Oh, and also the "of".

Maybe this is why I liked Guy so much: because he knew the saying was "you've got another think coming." Look, I'm going to be desperately finding good reasons to have liked Guy Gardner so much when Giffen and DeMatteis are this determined to make him a huge and unlikable jerk.

Look, I was fifteen! Hardly the best time in a young man's life for qualities like compassion and empathy and fashion sense and hair styles! I'm also fairly certain it wasn't this comic book that made me like him so much. I'm pretty sure he gets knocked out by Batman with one punch before the year is over and I remember loving that scene. So I probably despised him like a good reader of Justice League was supposed to do. Hopefully he'll have some character moments during this series that will show why I wound up liking him so much as a character. Right now, he's just a complete and utter asshole.

The five panels following the one I just scanned consist of Guy once again calling Oberon "Sneezy" and then suggesting Black Canary is going to want to fuck him soon enough. Martian Manhunter tries to break it up and just winds up part of the chaos.

Okay, I'm starting to get why I might have liked him at fifteen, even after the first few pages. To a sixteen year old white male, mocking Martian Manhunter with a "Ho-ho-ho" trumps ableism, sexism, and, with this attack on J'onn for his inherent physical Martianness, almost certainly racism as well.

Guy continues to play the role of Squeaky Wheel for another page or two. I suppose if you want more on-panel time than the other heroes, you've got to be a raging asshole. I can't say I'm not entertained by it!

Captain Marvel earns a little of my love with this line as well. No shame in drinking warm milk at night!

This is only nine pages into the first issue and Guy has completely derailed the formation of the new Justice League. Was this blasphemy to previous fans of the Justice League where the team may have had some minor squabbles about various things and Batman would quit every six issues but mostly they didn't break out into brawls whenever they got together? Or were internal struggles and arguments a regular plot point? I have no idea because the only Justice League comics I read previous to this title were the terrible months where everything was breaking down and then Steel betrayed them and Vibe was killed off and Martian Manhunter felt like a huge failure. Although was Aquaman leading the team at the time? I dislike Aquaman so much, I'm just going to believe he was leading the team and that's why everything completely fell apart. He sucks.

Once per day, I think about that lousy meme trying to prove Aquaman wasn't useless by using the image from New 52 Justice League where he controls a bunch of great whites to breach and kill a bunch of parademons and I hate everybody who actually thought that was a cool moment.

Batman and Doctor Fate arrive in the middle of the Justice League brawl (which even Martian Manhunter, the only adult in the room, is taken part in) and shuts shit down The Batman way.

I guess heroes are also a cowardly lot.

Meanwhile, Doctor Light winds up being held hostage with the rest of the United Nations by some white terrorists. I felt I needed to say they were white because a lot of racist assholes can only envision terrorists one way. Also, I should always describe people as white when they're white since I don't want to be an accomplice to maintaining a world where we assume a person mentioned is white, male, and heterosexual unless they're described more fully.

Doctor Light was given a Justice League emergency beeper by a mysterious figure some time previously. This isn't revealed but I just read Justice League Spectacular #1 so I know Maxwell Lord gave her the device so that she could alert the Justice League when the United Nations was taken hostage by terrorists that Maxwell Lord IV paid. It's all about getting some early press!

There's an advert for the new Flash which I'm surprised I didn't pick up since the advert shows him having some kind of accident in a sperm bank.

Ew Flash is right!

The Justice League head over to stop the terrorist attack. At some point, Doctor Fate disappears to go do something else and I think he never comes back? Is that why I barely remember him as a part of this league? Was he just there to look cool on the cover and fool all the lovers of DC magic users?

The League storms the UN, murdering several terrorists.

Look. Manhunter either phased their heads into the solid ceiling or he smashed their skulls straight through the roof. Either way, I don't see a high percentage chance of their survival.

The Justice League capture all the terrorists and then Batman has the building evacuated, leaving just the leader of the terrorists alone in the United Nations building threatening to kill himself so that the bomb attached to his heart would detonate and kill them all. He does kill himself but the bomb doesn't detonate. And the thing is, Batman realized during the mission that the bomb was almost certainly a bluff. So he left the man alone to kill himself. Later we discover the man had a history of mental illness. So this, to Batman, is justice? Batman almost certainly realized the man was being manipulated and that he'd definitely kill himself to blow the bomb and Batman let the man do it. Batman is a fucking monster.

After the event, the media points out that the terrorists were mostly composed of 60s radical groups like the Weathermen and the Black Panthers. Which is odd because there wasn't one black terrorist in the bunch.

The issue ends with Max Lord talking to himself and admitting to being the one who staged the terrorist attack. He also knew the leader was unstable enough to kill himself for the cause and he sent him in with a bomb that definitely wouldn't blow. So he's a fucking monster as well. And Martian Manhunter is a monster, not because he's a weirdo martian, but because he basically popped the heads on a few of the terrorists. No way will I believe those guys hanging from the ceiling by their necks survived!

All in all, Guy Gardner is starting to look like a rational member of this group!

Justice League #1 Rating: B+. A better than average start to the new Justice League, building some intrigue and conflict right from the start. Who is Max Lord? What are his plans for the Justice League? Why is he acting like it's his group? Will Doctor Fate ever return? Will Oberon poison Guy Gardner? Will Black Canary and Doctor Light become best friends because they're the only women in the League? Will Guy Gardner and Batman ever come to blows? I can answer that! They will not! They'll just come to blow. One punch by Batman. And that one punch causes some severe psychological trauma to Gardner and nobody thinks he should get medical help simply because he starts acting nicer. They're all fucking monsters!

Crime Syndicate! (as seen in Forever Evil)

HISTORY
On Earth-3, a parallel world vibrating on a slightly different plane than the world we know, history had chosen a strange, opposing path. There, it was the American Christopher Columbus who discovered Europe; colonial England that won her freedom from the United States during the Revolutionary War; and actor Abraham Lincoln who shot President John Wilkes Booth [And yet even on Earth-3, they still have a Western bias to important history. So it really isn't very different at all.]. On this strange world of contrary reality, the only super=powered beings were [still white] not heroes, but rather five super-villains who had banded together as the Crime Syndicate of America.

The membership of the Crime Syndicate included Johnny Quick, an arrogant super-speedster who received his powers in an as-yet-undisclosed manner [He was probably doused in lightning when struck by a bolt of chemicals.]; Owlman, a diabolical master planner whose highly advanced mind allowed him to momentarily dominate other minds without their knowledge; Power Ring, who had received a mystical ring of almost limitless power from a mad Buddhist monk named Volthoom; Superwoman, a renegade Amazon who possessed extraordinary super-strength and a magic lasso capable of reshaping itself at its mistress's command into almost anything; and Ultraman, the strongest of them all, who received a new super-power every time he was exposed to Kryptonite.

It was during one such exposure that Ultraman suddenly developed Ultra-vision, which enabled him to peer through the dimensional veil and discover the parallel world then called Earth-1. Fearing they were growing rusty battling the normal forces of their own world, the Crime Syndicate decided to travel to Earth-1 and take on the members of the Justice League of America (see JLA) in an effort to hone their skills. It ultimately required the combined memberships of the Justice League and Justice Society of America (see JSA) to defeat the Syndicators, who were left in a life-sustaining bubble between the dimensions, surrounded by signs in every language designed to warn of those who might attempt to free them.

Despite the warnings, members of the Crime Syndicate were freed from the bubble several times over the years, joining forces with such other criminals as Per Degaton and the Secret Society of Super-Villains (see individual listings).

Even with their awesome array of super-powers, the Syndicators were unable to save their world or themselves from a power that dissolved entire universes, and all perished during the Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Deadshot! (as seen in Suicide Squad)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Floyd Lawton
Occupation: Former Millionaire, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None [As you can see from this and the above answers, this Who's Who entry was before he got some serious character development time in Ostrander's Suicide Squad. This entry probably also shows why he was one of the B Villains picked to be in the Squad! Which also shows what a great service a comic book like Suicide Squad and Secret Six can do for marginal characters. Get some great writing on these characters, and they can be great. So stop following characters that you love even when they're written by shitty writers, people. Because every character can be interesting when a really fine writer is pulling the strings.]
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: BATMAN #59
Height: 6'1" Weight: 202 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown

HISTORY
Scion of a wealthy Gotham family, Floyd Lawton adopted the guise of Deadshot, a master marksman who posed as a crime-fighter in an attempt to discredit The Batman (see Batman) so that Lawton could ultimately become Gotham's crime boss [Jesus, Lawton. Can you come up with a more convoluted scheme? You're a fucking deadshot sniper. Just shoot the Batbastard in the face and take the fuck over already.].

Exposed and captured by The Batman [Of course!], Lawton spent several years behind bars, devising a new uniform [Because THAT was the problem!] and a battery of high-tech weapons to make Deadshot even deadlier than before [So basically he came out of prison with a roll of toilet paper marked up with theoretical weapon designs and patterns for his new costume?]. Upon his release from prison, Lawton hired out his services as a professional hitman, willing to murder anyone for a fee [Which is, um, the definition of a professional hitman. It feels like somebody is padding their article!]. Deadshot's attempted murders have consistently been thwarted by The Batman [What do you call a thwarted attempted murder? Attempted attempted murder? Maybe just murder because it's like a double negative!], and Deadshot is currently serving time at Gotham State Penitentiary.

POWERS & WEAPONS
An almost inhumanly accurate marksman, Deadshot's colorful costume includes a telescopic infrared sight and a compact wrist-rifle with interchangeable barrels, enabling Deadshot to fire from a high-velocity bullet to a miniature grappling hook [For his dolls. I guess.].

Deadshot is such an extraordinary marksman that he prefers to utilize ricochets and other more challenging shots to accomplish his ends [Well if Batman keeps thwarting his "ends," perhaps it's time to just use the direct approach, asshole.].