Two-Step #3 (July 2004)

If this isn't the final issue, I'll be headed to Excalibur later.

I watched Furiosa last night and it left me with a burning question in the pit of my manhood: when did motherfucking stupid motherfucking male motherfuckers begin having problems with movies with women leads? Who was the king of the dipshits who was all, "Hey, fellas, it's gay to enjoy stories with women." I and the Non-Certified Spouse just finished re-watching the second season of The Mandalorian and she asked me, "Did all the nerd guys get upset about all the women protagonists in this?" And I was all, "If not for these online cucks who think they're alphas (who, also, are the only people who get upset if they're called cucks which is why they're the only people I call cucks (aside from Shakespearean characters, of course)), I wouldn't even notice." I didn't even think about it until the Non-Certified Spouse asked that question (although I was a bit disgusted by how many Twi'leks were in the series. Gross!)! My favorite book series in elementary school was The Wizard of Oz books followed by Beverly Cleary's Ramona books. I never once fucking thought, nor did anybody ever suggest, that I, a boy, shouldn't have been reading these books. I never thought, "Man, I can't identify with Dorothy or Ramona or Beezus. If only they had penises!" Fucking hell! I think my biggest anarchist anti-hero was Laura Ingalls! That bitch was a fucking hellion who was only kept in check by the power of Pa's grace and goodness! Who are these squareheaded dildos who have decided to cut themselves off from so much entertainment and storytelling because of some superficial fucking nonsense?! Read some books, motherfuckers. Any of them! No, wait. Not any of them. If they take me up on the offer, they'll just go get one of those books with "Alpha" or "Sigma" or "Business" in the title. Read a fiction book, man! And look! I'm not even suggesting you read some modern multicultural or feminist book! Just fucking read a book, man. How about Catch-22? That one has swears and prostitutes and death and loads and loads of male characters and jokes! It'll be right up your alley and you might fucking expand your narrow-minded view of the world a little bit.

Oh fuck. Who am I kidding?! I already know why they don't read. Because most literature offends and triggers them. The heroes never think the way they do. The antagonists are always shown as being despicable due to beliefs and actions that they identify with. And that's when they call it woke and virtue signaling. It's sad, really. The idea that somebody would have such shitty beliefs that they couldn't read a single work by Kurt Vonnegut without being absolutely triggered into a spray of blood and brains. Why would the people who claim to want free speech the most handicap their interests so drastically that they might as well be thrown in an oubliette with a tape recorder and one tape that simply repeats their small, narrow, simple set of beliefs? They're the type of people who have no joy but believe they're the ones who experience joy because they still laugh when somebody gets called retarded or a bully pushes some kid in a mud puddle. Their sense of humor is so shallow as to be non-existent. Most people contain multitudes, both good and bad. These chundernuts contain cotton candy and jelly fish. You can rip through them and barely even notice. They might as well be angry ghosts haunting an empty house.

What I was trying to say was this: "I hope this issue has as many ass shots of Rosi as the second issue!" This comic book has me so wildly horned up! Now I know how satyrs feel!

This issue begins with the rape of a Mini Cooper.

If any car in the Animal Kingdom were asking for it, it's definitely the Mini Cooper with those "Come hither" headlights and that cheeky fender smile. So slutty! Hmm, have I seen any Mini Coopers in my neighborhood? Um, I mean, this is so gross even when it's happening to a car! I'm totally disgusted by this and not intrigued in the slightest. Although I am curious about one thing: is fucking a car in the tailpipe the anal sex of cars? If so, what is vaginal intercourse with a car? The place where you stick the gas nozzle? Is that the car's vagina? Are all cars female? Are electric cars male or just female cars with strap-ons? How does a car perform oral on you? Sticking your dick where the oil goes? When you've sexualized a car, what position is it when you climb inside and jerk off? Do they call that the "Buffalo Bill"?

You know what? Never mind. You should never fuck a car, kids! No matter how much it's asking for it. Stay in school!

That guy fucking the car is Reg of the Quarry Gang's kid who has been tasked with fucking Rosi and Tony to death. When people here that they'll die while having sex, most of them think, "Cool! What a way to go!" That's because most people don't immediately think they're going to get pounded into jelly by a five hundred pound car fucking birth defect. What they should say when they hear they're going to die during sex is, "With an attractive partner while I'm coming on their face, I hope? Pretty please? Oh God let it be that."

Does this guy ejaculate nitroglycerin?

The panel before the above panel had another shot of Rosi's cute little caboose but I felt it was less interesting than a gigantic mutant monster demolitioning a Mini Cooper with its orgasm. This monster's handlers manage to shoot the tire on Rosi's scooter which enables them to capture the two miscreant protagonists. They're thrown in the back of a van with the car fucker. Luckily his libido is currently recovering so they're safe for the moment.

Oh cute! They're getting to know each other!

Instead of getting fucked to death, Rosi and Tony are dragged by to Reg's penthouse to get grilled about the location of Reg's massive musical penis. Tony's plan to escape is something like "let the water absorb them" or "eat the strawberry before the tiger eats you." I don't know, some Zen claptrap. I'm not familiar with being calm. I'm more of a Rage, Rage Against Not Just the Dying of the Light but Pretty Much Everything Else as Well Especially Ann Nocenti's Shit Writing. If I were in this situation, I'd probably trick Reg into saying, "Honk," and then he'd just get obliterated by Ron's explosive cum.

Reg gets tired of Rosi and Tony's flirtatious back and forth in the face of their final death fuck and gives the order for that final death fuck. Rosi realizes that Ron doesn't see people as people due to his gadgets and gizmos; he sees everybody as slutty cars asking for it. To save their lives and their exhaust pipes, Rosi hacks Ron the Carfucker.

Aww! He thinks she's beautiful!

This whole CGI rig thing that makes things look like other things didn't come out of nowhere for this save. Rosi's been talking about using it since the first comic book because she's become so bored with reality. But she kept getting pulled into Tony's mischief before she could implement it. But now she found a good reason for it! She makes it so Ron sees her butthole and pussy instead of her tailpipe and gas cap! Gross! Who would want to fuck a butthole or a pussy?! Make mine Mini!

Rosi also makes Reg and his righthand man look like cars via Ron's CGI unit. So he strips down and attempts to fuck them to death instead while Rosi and Tony make a run for it. They wind up in Ron's bedroom where they find an unfucked scooter behind a pile of destroyed cars. They hop on and Tony directs them to one of the windows of the penthouse. Remember how he kept reading that book, Zen Flight? And how he apparently flew in the first issue although we never saw it happen on panel. He just stepped off of a roof and then he wasn't dead later? Well, the readers, along with Rosi, are about to find out if he actually did fly.

I also just checked Mile High Comics' website to find out if this was the last issue of the series. It was. So, you know, Tony and Rosi could die after crashing through the window on a scooter and falling 80 floors to the street below! It's possible! I hope that doesn't happen though because they haven't fucked yet and that just doesn't seem right.

They manage to survive because it's a rocket scooter with only a front tire and a rocket on the back. They must have realized that and didn't just expect to defy the laws of comic book physics by driving down the front of a skyscraper and living when they hit the bottom. Obviously you can drive up them like Nightwing did in his comic book in The New 52. Duh! That's easy! But going down? And not splatting? So hard to pull off! But they pull it off! Because of, you know, the rocket.

At the top of the building, everybody blows up because they use some kind of anti-aircraft gun to shoot Ron off of his dad. Blowing up from the outside is probably a better way to go than blowing up from inside your butthole, I suppose.

The end! You'll have to imagine the fucking. I'm going to picture it like Ron fucking the Mini Cooper but with these two characters instead.

Two-Step #3 Rating: A+. How did I forget about this comic book? What's wrong with my brain? Are human brains even meant to retain the amount of information that flows through them in the 21st century? How does any of it work? Aren't our brains supposed to be set up to simply observe our environment, looking out for danger, food, and water? And maybe the occasional car to bang? We were never meant to be exposed to this much fucking information! Why shouldn't I forget a comic book I read in three separate installments over a six month period twenty years ago?! It would be weird if I did remember it better than I did! If I were one of those people to do repeat readings or viewings of things I liked, maybe I'd have retained more of the story. Or if I'd had another nerd who'd also been reading this at the time, we would have discussed it and it would have solidified the memory better. But just reading it once and probably jerking off to Rosi's ass once each issue wasn't enough for retention, I guess! Maybe next time I find a comic book adorable and sexy, I should jerk off to it more often! Maybe that's why I remember so much Sailor Moon! No, no! Wait! I didn't say that! Forget you read that! CUT! CUUUUUUT!

Two-Step #2 (March 2004)

New Idea for D&D: party must pass through a long hall during an iron golem orgy.

One of the first things I usually do when I read a novel is think about the title and what it could mean. I haven't thought about Two-Step at all other than a vague, "That's a weird title." Since the book seems to be about Rosi and Tony, I'll go out on a major limb and guess the title indicates the dance of their lives as they intertwine and parallel each other. They had a brief encounter last issue that ended with both of them admiring a singing willy but then left with nary a glance backward. I mean, they both glanced backwards once but neither one noticed and that's probably the definition of nary, right? Look, don't tell me in the comments. If it's not the correct definition, I don't want to have to realize how many times I used the word "nary" incorrectly in my life. It would be a real bugbear.

This issue begins in the hottest way possible.

My male gaze just jizzed itself.

If you were to tell me that the next panel begins without somebody's finger inside somebody else's backdoor orifice, I would put my fingers in my ears and yell, "Nyah nyah nyah I can't hear you!" Why are you trying to ruin my life by throwing the cold, icy waters of reality directly into my boner? Life does that to me on the regular just by time's inevitable march forward. Like when I was a little boy full of wonder and innocence and I was all, "Yay! Life is going to be so fucking awesome!" And then forty years later, I'm sitting in my pants (British definition) hoping that my obviously not-rated-X comic book is going to show butt finger fucking. The disappoints just come fast and furious until the ultimate disappoint smacks you in the face: another year of life! Look, by the time you're my age, death isn't the disappointing end to the story. It's the dessert! The sweet reward for choking down the rest of the shitty meal!

Now, let's turn the page and see some butthole finger banging!

Aw man. Amanda Conner owes me a very particular sketch!

I have nobody to blame for my severe disappointment but myself. Why am I always the cause of my own disappointment? Either I think things are going to work out in an overly fantastic way and they wind up mundane; or things don't work out in an overly fantastic way because I didn't take a chance to make them happen. Like that time I was fifteen and at that party in somebody's garage and I was sitting on a bench and this girl I barely knew named Dessa came over, lay down on the bench, and put her head in my lap. Why didn't I make a move? Hell, why didn't I fucking do anything at all?! She was basically the Jennifer Connelly of shitty urban freshman garage parties and I froze! No wonder I'm now an old man hoping comic book characters do weird shit to each other! I've never lost the utter horniness of that moment! I'm trapped in horny time!

That wasn't a plea for help; that was an exclamation of pure joy! How did I never realize this?! What a major breakthrough!

Tony continues to read his book, Zen Flight, as two giant robots fuck all around him. And then the adverts begin competing for my male gaze's time and energy.

What the fuck, WWE? Imagine this advert with two of your male wrestlers. Would you still print it? I mean, I think it would work! But I don't think you'd print it!

All that advert says to me is that the fighting is a stand-in for sex. So now I'm remembering all those times I watched Sgt. Slaughter fuck the Ultimate Warrior! Superfly Snooka from the top rope has all new imagery in my poor memory. Mr. Perfect making Hulk Hogan coming buckets by anally penetrating him in the ring and then turning to the camera, pointing, and saying, "Absolutely perfect!" Damn, wrestling was way better than I remembered! I should think about it incorrectly more often! Thanks, horny lesbian wrestlers!

Tony wanders into the London Frost Fair where I'm sure he'll run into Rosi with at least two fingers in her butthole. The first person he encounters at the Fair is a Not-a-Juggler.

You can't juggle two items with two hands! Unless he's got a third leg of turkey in a surprise orifice for the best opening juggling move of all time!

"But Tess! Why didn't you mention 'Beat the Freak'?!" "Because I have standards, you lowbrow cur of a reader!"

Rosi appears looking as adorable as ever and calling attention to both her arse and her tits in record time. Not like I hadn't noticed them immediately but then she was all, "Stuff is going up my arse!" and "Stuff is on my tits!" and I was all, "I'm in love with ink on paper!" But I've also been fooled by that before when Mahmud Asrar was drawing her and paper cuts on a penis take way longer to heal than you'd think. So I'm just going to keep reading this comic book as opposed to the stray horny thought that keeps insisting that it's the most crucial thought I'm having at the moment instead of the worst idea of the morning.

Rosi wound up at the Fair trying to find something exciting for her cam girl stuff. She runs directly into Tony like a good character in a romantic comedy.

No, brain! The paper cuts! Remember?!

Rosi explains to Tony that she's, once again, super bored. Tony, being all Zen and shit, tells her she's being ridiculous. Then he explains how to view life differently in a Zen way: just stand back and watch life wash into you. Like when Dessa put her head in my lap! Of course, I just sat there and let life wash Dessa's head right back out of my lap. So I think you're not supposed to simply watch. You're supposed to participate when something washes up on you that you're interested in! Why am I learning this lesson nearly four decades too late?!

Is the Get Pelted By Condoms booth a traditional Ren-Fair attraction?

While Rosi's enjoying the woman flinging condoms with her nipples exposed, a bunch of the Quarry gang appear and begin shooting at Tony. He drags her along with him as he flees, in the name of keeping her safe, I guess. Although shoving her in the opposite direction would probably make her safer. Unless the gang knows she's the one who stomped on Dreadlocks' face and took the massive musical dong from him. And since she did stream the entire event live on her web cam, it would seem reasonable that they're after her as well.

Tony gives Rosi a gun so she can protect herself and she immediately shoots one of their pursuers in the dick. Tony decides she isn't running away fast enough so he picks her up and runs.

Goddammit. I'm going to wind up with penile paper cuts, aren't I?

This review is way too horny. I need to tone it down. Hopefully somebody will die graphically on the next page and the horny level will decrease a slight bit.

Hmm. Didn't work. Now I'm just thinking about how his dick probably blew through his own butthole. That's hot.

The entire Fair takes place on the frozen Thames and the explosion causes a massive hole in the ice. Cracks begin to radiate out from the hole, threatening to dunk everybody at the event, especially the woman with her nipples exposed.

Tony and Rosi manage to make it to sure where Rosi's motor scooter waits to aid in their escape. It's at this moment that Tony finally realizes what's going on in Rosi's backyard.

The man with the oral fixation discovers the other main fixation.

The gang obsessed with penises give chase in a car shaped like a penis. But Tony shoots them all to hell and they crash into the famous British penis (stolen, of course), Cleopatra's Needle. It falls and crushes them, thus ending the chase with some penis on penis action. Rosi decides to take Tony back to her place. She says she needs to change but we all know you don't get chased by a penis car and then see it sandwiched by another penis and not want get in on the getting smashed by penis action.

We won't know if they actually fuck until next issue because this issue ends with Reg, the guy with the regular, non-musical, non-massive willy because Tony and Rosi stole it, letting his son out of his cage to go fuck Tony and Rosi to death. I thought Warren Ellis was writing this? That sounds more like a Garth Ennis plot point!

I am so glad I'm not a car.

Two-Step #2 Rating: A+. If you show me enough comic book tits and ass, especially drawn by Amanda Conner, I'm only going to have high praise for you. Now does anybody know a good ointment for paper cuts?

Two-Step #1 (December 2003)

What's the word I'm looking for here? Oh yeah! AWOOOOGA!

I remember absolutely nothing about this comic book except the art style. When I found it in the stack, I simply thought, "Oh yeah! I remember those tits!" Maybe it has something to do with a genie, I think? I don't even remember the Cliffhanger publishing imprint of Wildstorm but I suppose I should since they also published two other comic books I read: Crimson and Steampunk. This title doesn't even get a mention in the Cliffhanger Wikipedia entry! I normally wouldn't trust myself on how memorable a comic book is but if it wasn't even given a brief aside in a Wikipedia entry on a publishing imprint that didn't even publish that many titles over it's five or so year life, it can't be that great, right? I mean, I trust Warren Ellis to give me something interesting and Amanda Conner to make my eyes come. But what's Jimmy Palmiotti doing on this thing? Did he add the swears?

The story begins in an alternate London of 2001 that looks like it was reverse-colonized by India. What I mean by that is everything seems to be based on India instead of hodgepodge of Franco and Germanic and Nordic and Roman and Pagan influences as opposed to what I think the real idea of "reverse-colonizing" might be: where the colonizers seem surprised when their homeland becomes less "home" than they're used to because all the immigrants of the places you've colonized have also made it home and brought a lot of their culture from their homeland. It's one of the things that seems to piss off racists even though it's like, "Hey, buddy? Maybe be mad at your racist predecessors for going around trying to take control of every country in their line of sight! Nobody in the countries you colonized asked for you to water down their culture with prudish religious ideas and milquetoast cuisines. But by invading their countries, they practically begged them to come live in theirs as well. Share and share alike, you know?"

What I'm trying to say is, "This London looks like my kind of town!"

Would I genetically engineer my cat to be a smoker? Yes. Yes I would.

Everybody is dancing and singing in the streets like they've been cursed by a dancing demon. No, something isn't right there. Maybe witches?

Oh wait! This really might be a series about a genie! Maybe my memory didn't fail me and this was somebody's second wish! Their first wish was for an 8-inch pianist for some reason. Or I could just accept the casual world building introduced visually in the first few pages.

The main character from the cover (the one without the tits) has been learning to fly. Mostly he's been listening to Pink Floyd and reading Zen Flight. But he's now decided the only way to do it, is to do it. So he jumps off of the roof of a building directly over the other main character (the one without the no tits). Her name is Rosi Blades and she's a cam girl. Oh man! Remember cam girls! No wonder she's doing that "put your dick on my tongue" Only Fans face on the cover! Because Cam Girls are the grandmothers of Only Fans!

Oh no! Y'all better stop boring Rosi because I do not want her to lose those flesh potatoes!

"Fart blood." That must be the part Jimmy wrote. For not remembering this comic book until I saw it, I absolutely remembered "fart blood." But, again, only after I re-read it. Which seems, to me, a terrible way to say you've "remembered" something. Oh yeah! That thing I just read and looked at. I remember it now that I've once again seen it and read it! Good job, brain! That was sarcastic, in case you didn't notice, brain, because you don't seem to be that with it.

Rosi has a little floating web cam that follows here around as well as a camera on her left eye and her right tit. I bet it costs extra to watch the feed from her tit. Sort of a premium kink channel. "I've always wanted to know what it was like to be a boob! Look at all the eye contact I'm making with pervy men!" Not that all men who look at boobs are pervs. Looking at boobs is an art. You can't just stare at the boobs divorced from the sex object they're on. I mean the person! The woman they're on! You have to admire them with the entire package. Keep the eyes roving. Head back to the tits a few times, just to make sure your initial impression was accurate. The same rule applies to admiring tattoos. You want to glance and scan, glance and scan. Staring too hard gives the impression you're judging the person!

One time I was walking through an airport and a cute woman was walking toward me. I looked her in the face but she was looking away. Then I looked down at her tits and back up to her face to find she was making eye contact with me at that moment. She had caught me looking! But then she smiled and I was all, "Is this love?" But it wasn't love. It was just a butterfly on a stupid meme.

Later, Amanda draws two cats fucking.

Feed 3, the one not quite focused on the chicken running by (because her boob is jiggling. It's unfocused in some shots and not in others. Because of boob jiggle!), is from Rosie's boob. Apparently she's got a camera in her ass as well (ROSI POV 4). I'm just kidding. That's probably the thing on her shoulder. But I wish I wasn't kidding.

I'm sure this had nothing to do with Amanda's Harley Quinn gig but nobody would be surprised if this was the reason she got it.

Remember Jenny Cam? Just slowly blink at me if you do so you don't throw your old-ass neck out by nodding.

So current-day London isn't just a big Bollywood movie. That's just this neighborhood. It seems what everybody thought of as online living spaces where anything can happen is how living in the 2001 London of this alternate world is. And Rosi here is already bored by all of it.

Rosi's stuck in an existential rut brought on by the constant need over the course of the year to keep her viewers excited and engaged. She's got Twitch burnout.

Stop looking up the cat's butthole. Check out the dog with the anal beads tail!

The guy who jumped off the building earlier (and, I'm assuming, flew?) goes running past Rosi as she knocked over by the guy he's chasing: some white guy with dreadlocks in a puffy jacket. He seems to have stolen something from flyboy. Rosi doesn't give a shit what's going on because it's excitement! She chases after to give her viewers a thrill and/or to fuck the good-looking guy.

See? Plus more jiggle footage!

The bad guy (you know he's the bad guy not because he stole something from Zen Flyboy but because he is white with dreadlocks) hits Flyboy in the bollocks and runs off into a club called Avant-Spook. That gives Rosi time to introduce herself to her soon-to-be new boyfriend.

I've decided I quite like Rosi.

I also have decided that I quite like Zen Flyboy.

While also liking Rosi even more, especially when she pulls out her wedgie.

I hope this series only went three issues or else I'm going to have to track down the rest of it!

Zen Flyboy introduces himself, on camera, as Tony Ling. So if he was a secret Zen Assassin, he's now a not-so-secret Zen Assassin. Rosi and Tony chase Dreadlocks through a fetish club and out the other side where they feel each other out for a potential romantic encounter later on.

Tony's game could use a little improvement.

I'm having trouble deciding what not to scan while reading this comic book because Amanda knocked it out of all the ballparks for this. I mean, she always does. But I guess I adore Rosi so much that it feels like Amanda's doing more work than she normally might. Plus that jiggle in the boob cam? So fantastic.

Tony shoots Dreadlocks' kneecaps out and he collapses to the ground. He's about to pull a gun and shoot Tony in the face when Rosi jumps up and down on Dreadlocks' head. While doing so, her boob cam catches a shot that I can almost guarantee has never been in a comic book outside of maybe an R. Crumb book.

Cat with a used tampon! Cat with a used tampon! *guitar riff*

After helping Tony retrieve the trombone case, Rosi learns that he wasn't retrieving it at all. Tony was stealing it from Dreadlocks. Well, I mean, how could anybody have known?! If you don't want everybody immediately assuming you're a douchey prick, don't be a white guy with dreads!

Apparently the item in the trombone case was headed to Reg Quarry, the leader of the Quarry gang. Tony was hired to make sure the item never got to Reg. Somebody really didn't want him to have whatever was in the case.

Reg's wife must have hired Tony.

There's a button on the willy that Tony tells Rosi to touch. But she's all, "I'm not touching it. You touch it!" Can she get more adorable? Tony also refuses to touch it but he presses the button with his gun and the penis plays "Ride of the Valkyries".

Now that Tony has what he was paid to get, and Rosi had a fun stream, the two decide they never want to see each other again. But they betray that feeling by each looking back at the other as they walk away (although at different times). What is this? The most vulgar romantic comedy meet-cute ever written? I hope so because it is so fucking cute and adorable. I'm going to get this comic book pregnant now.

Two-Step #1 Rating: A+. How could I not remember this comic book?! What is wrong in my brain that it doesn't remember something that I find this adorable now? Did I not find it adorable when I first read it? I must have because my tastes really haven't changed much at all! Although when I first looked at the cover after pulling this stack of comics out of the short box they were in, my brain did scream like a little girl first discovering whatever it is little girl's really love. Other little girls, maybe? That sounds right.