Two-Step #2 (March 2004)

New Idea for D&D: party must pass through a long hall during an iron golem orgy.

One of the first things I usually do when I read a novel is think about the title and what it could mean. I haven't thought about Two-Step at all other than a vague, "That's a weird title." Since the book seems to be about Rosi and Tony, I'll go out on a major limb and guess the title indicates the dance of their lives as they intertwine and parallel each other. They had a brief encounter last issue that ended with both of them admiring a singing willy but then left with nary a glance backward. I mean, they both glanced backwards once but neither one noticed and that's probably the definition of nary, right? Look, don't tell me in the comments. If it's not the correct definition, I don't want to have to realize how many times I used the word "nary" incorrectly in my life. It would be a real bugbear.

This issue begins in the hottest way possible.

My male gaze just jizzed itself.

If you were to tell me that the next panel begins without somebody's finger inside somebody else's backdoor orifice, I would put my fingers in my ears and yell, "Nyah nyah nyah I can't hear you!" Why are you trying to ruin my life by throwing the cold, icy waters of reality directly into my boner? Life does that to me on the regular just by time's inevitable march forward. Like when I was a little boy full of wonder and innocence and I was all, "Yay! Life is going to be so fucking awesome!" And then forty years later, I'm sitting in my pants (British definition) hoping that my obviously not-rated-X comic book is going to show butt finger fucking. The disappoints just come fast and furious until the ultimate disappoint smacks you in the face: another year of life! Look, by the time you're my age, death isn't the disappointing end to the story. It's the dessert! The sweet reward for choking down the rest of the shitty meal!

Now, let's turn the page and see some butthole finger banging!

Aw man. Amanda Conner owes me a very particular sketch!

I have nobody to blame for my severe disappointment but myself. Why am I always the cause of my own disappointment? Either I think things are going to work out in an overly fantastic way and they wind up mundane; or things don't work out in an overly fantastic way because I didn't take a chance to make them happen. Like that time I was fifteen and at that party in somebody's garage and I was sitting on a bench and this girl I barely knew named Dessa came over, lay down on the bench, and put her head in my lap. Why didn't I make a move? Hell, why didn't I fucking do anything at all?! She was basically the Jennifer Connelly of shitty urban freshman garage parties and I froze! No wonder I'm now an old man hoping comic book characters do weird shit to each other! I've never lost the utter horniness of that moment! I'm trapped in horny time!

That wasn't a plea for help; that was an exclamation of pure joy! How did I never realize this?! What a major breakthrough!

Tony continues to read his book, Zen Flight, as two giant robots fuck all around him. And then the adverts begin competing for my male gaze's time and energy.

What the fuck, WWE? Imagine this advert with two of your male wrestlers. Would you still print it? I mean, I think it would work! But I don't think you'd print it!

All that advert says to me is that the fighting is a stand-in for sex. So now I'm remembering all those times I watched Sgt. Slaughter fuck the Ultimate Warrior! Superfly Snooka from the top rope has all new imagery in my poor memory. Mr. Perfect making Hulk Hogan coming buckets by anally penetrating him in the ring and then turning to the camera, pointing, and saying, "Absolutely perfect!" Damn, wrestling was way better than I remembered! I should think about it incorrectly more often! Thanks, horny lesbian wrestlers!

Tony wanders into the London Frost Fair where I'm sure he'll run into Rosi with at least two fingers in her butthole. The first person he encounters at the Fair is a Not-a-Juggler.

You can't juggle two items with two hands! Unless he's got a third leg of turkey in a surprise orifice for the best opening juggling move of all time!

"But Tess! Why didn't you mention 'Beat the Freak'?!" "Because I have standards, you lowbrow cur of a reader!"

Rosi appears looking as adorable as ever and calling attention to both her arse and her tits in record time. Not like I hadn't noticed them immediately but then she was all, "Stuff is going up my arse!" and "Stuff is on my tits!" and I was all, "I'm in love with ink on paper!" But I've also been fooled by that before when Mahmud Asrar was drawing her and paper cuts on a penis take way longer to heal than you'd think. So I'm just going to keep reading this comic book as opposed to the stray horny thought that keeps insisting that it's the most crucial thought I'm having at the moment instead of the worst idea of the morning.

Rosi wound up at the Fair trying to find something exciting for her cam girl stuff. She runs directly into Tony like a good character in a romantic comedy.

No, brain! The paper cuts! Remember?!

Rosi explains to Tony that she's, once again, super bored. Tony, being all Zen and shit, tells her she's being ridiculous. Then he explains how to view life differently in a Zen way: just stand back and watch life wash into you. Like when Dessa put her head in my lap! Of course, I just sat there and let life wash Dessa's head right back out of my lap. So I think you're not supposed to simply watch. You're supposed to participate when something washes up on you that you're interested in! Why am I learning this lesson nearly four decades too late?!

Is the Get Pelted By Condoms booth a traditional Ren-Fair attraction?

While Rosi's enjoying the woman flinging condoms with her nipples exposed, a bunch of the Quarry gang appear and begin shooting at Tony. He drags her along with him as he flees, in the name of keeping her safe, I guess. Although shoving her in the opposite direction would probably make her safer. Unless the gang knows she's the one who stomped on Dreadlocks' face and took the massive musical dong from him. And since she did stream the entire event live on her web cam, it would seem reasonable that they're after her as well.

Tony gives Rosi a gun so she can protect herself and she immediately shoots one of their pursuers in the dick. Tony decides she isn't running away fast enough so he picks her up and runs.

Goddammit. I'm going to wind up with penile paper cuts, aren't I?

This review is way too horny. I need to tone it down. Hopefully somebody will die graphically on the next page and the horny level will decrease a slight bit.

Hmm. Didn't work. Now I'm just thinking about how his dick probably blew through his own butthole. That's hot.

The entire Fair takes place on the frozen Thames and the explosion causes a massive hole in the ice. Cracks begin to radiate out from the hole, threatening to dunk everybody at the event, especially the woman with her nipples exposed.

Tony and Rosi manage to make it to sure where Rosi's motor scooter waits to aid in their escape. It's at this moment that Tony finally realizes what's going on in Rosi's backyard.

The man with the oral fixation discovers the other main fixation.

The gang obsessed with penises give chase in a car shaped like a penis. But Tony shoots them all to hell and they crash into the famous British penis (stolen, of course), Cleopatra's Needle. It falls and crushes them, thus ending the chase with some penis on penis action. Rosi decides to take Tony back to her place. She says she needs to change but we all know you don't get chased by a penis car and then see it sandwiched by another penis and not want get in on the getting smashed by penis action.

We won't know if they actually fuck until next issue because this issue ends with Reg, the guy with the regular, non-musical, non-massive willy because Tony and Rosi stole it, letting his son out of his cage to go fuck Tony and Rosi to death. I thought Warren Ellis was writing this? That sounds more like a Garth Ennis plot point!

I am so glad I'm not a car.

Two-Step #2 Rating: A+. If you show me enough comic book tits and ass, especially drawn by Amanda Conner, I'm only going to have high praise for you. Now does anybody know a good ointment for paper cuts?