Batman Loves Superman #2

Hey DC! Stop portraying people who laugh as pure evil!

Now that I've just read this cover as Fatman/Pooperman, I can't get the thought out of my mind. I think my life is a version of The Matrix but I'm actually five years old in a kindergarten cubby hole dreaming my entire adult life. Man, I can't fucking wait to wake up and play another round of "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?"

When playing online multiplayer games, I often think, "I would have been happy to simply play Halo 2 year after year." But I think what I really mean is "I would have been happy to play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button? year after year." Maybe every now and then, I wouldn't mind taking a break to play Four Corners for a bit.

The only proof I have that I'm not dreaming the life I'm currently leading is that I don't have the imagination to come up with Ann Nocenti dialogue. That's purely from outside my own head. Philosophically, that means I know the universe consists of at least two people: me and Ann Nocenti. Does that also mean I have a responsibility to mate with her? Not that it would be possible. Her sex talk is almost certainly a boner killer.

I don't know what genius centrist character speaks first in this comic book but fuck them.

People love to make statements that make them sound above it all. Statements that let them get away with sounding like a logical and rational person while really exposing the terrible things they believe. "Weapons are only tools." The "only" in that statement speaks volumes. They're defending weapons. Weapons are neutral. They're beyond blame. They're innocuous. Their follow-up statement providing evidence to bolster the first statement, "means to an end," shows that they don't give a fuck about context. What "end" are you trying to reach if your tools are weapons? Silverware are only tools as well, a means to an end, but we know that the end reached by silverware almost certainly is simply an empty tub of ice cream as opposed to a school full of murdered children. Oh no! Look at me bringing up murdered children to play on the emotions of the audience! How dare I bring in a real world example of an end that the means of these mere tools brings about! If your defense of weapons are that they're simply tools to be used to reach a particular end, you can't just ignore that the "end" you're discussing in the most general terms is violence. Weird that people who can't wait to be attacked so they can kill somebody and prove that their choice to carry a weapon was the right one often try to distance themselves from the inherent violence of their beloved weapon.

The person speaking is Commissioner Gordon who laughed last issue so he's obviously a monster. I guess he's trying to point out that the real evil has been locked away at Arkham and the tools the evil people used aren't dangerous on their own which is why they've been locked in an armory outside Gotham City. He's come to liberate them with the help of a mystery person who has a sort of claw hand (Black Condor?!). A good writer would reveal who it was because they know that would get the reader really excited about Batman and Superman's confrontation with them. A good writer continually gives up surprising information. A mediocre writer hides as much as possible from the reader because it's the only way they can make a story suspenseful.

Meanwhile, Shazam has begun calling himself "Earth's Mightiest Nightmare." See, he usually calls himself "Earth's Mightiest Mortal" so you can see how hilarious his wordplay is. But don't laugh because you don't want to appear wicked to the people around you.

Bullshit. Batman absolutely wants to fight him.

Shazam uses his magic lightning to try to destroy Batman but Batman just dodges because he probably trained with Himalayan Lightning Dodgers years ago. When Shazam uses his magic for evil, The Phantom Stranger's nose bleeds and Zatanna gets severe cramps. I guess magic in the DC Universe is like the Force in Star Wars. It's disturbing and shit.

Superman almost gets the upper hand but, as I pointed out how the exciting battle might go last issue, Shazam turns back into Billy Batson to remind Superman he's fighting a child. So Superman is all, "Aw, shucks! I didn't mean nothing! You can fight it, Billy! Stop finding things funny!" But then Shazam is all, "SHAZAM! Fooled you!", and Superman is all, "D'oh!", and Batman is all, "SMDH."

But remember! Batman is the king of the DC Universe! So he's definitely got a way to stop Shazam. I bet he's got a Bat-Monkey's Paw in his belt with two wishes left on it. Batman doesn't like to talk about the first wish and why Alfred now has to care for that tiny pianist living in the terrarium in the study.

Batman doesn't use his Bat-Monkey's Paw to save the day but if you thought that idea was completely ludicrous, you'd better prepare your mind for Joshua Williamson's solution.

Batman finds the Batman Who Laughs Batwing, flies it up in the sky where Superman and Shazam are battling, and then, um, I don't know. He launches himself out the cockpit window against the g-forces of the accelerating Batwing? I suppose Batman learned to do this while training with the Sheep Hoppers of Aberdeen?

Um. Wait a second. Is Batman the greatest detective or am I because I think I just solved the mystery of the six heroes turned into Heroes Who Laugh.

The poison batarangs all have the symbols of the hero they're meant to infect on them! Just look more closely at the molds you found, idiots!

Shazam escapes because Superman held back and because Superman had to save Batman after Batman thought he could beat Shazam by crashing through the sturdy glass of a jet's cockpit while it was accelerating while only having a boomerang as a weapon. I guess Batman is only as smart as the writer writing him. He should have used his fucking Bat-Monkey's Paw.

Later at the Bermuda Triangle Fortress of Solitude, Batman and Superman note that each Batarang Who Laughs has been infused with a specific Batman Who Laughs Juice based on the DNA of the intended victim. What they don't notice is that the Shazam one was a lightning bolt on it and the Superman one has the Kryponian symbol for hope (I know. Lame back story on the "S" on Supe's chest) on it and that they found the fucking molds for six Batarangs Who Laugh. Which means the answer to who else has been infected is in their stupid hands! Unless I'm supposed to believe that the symbols were carved onto the Batarangs Who Laugh after the fact. Which I totally don't even though that would probably be the way to do it seeing as how you're probably going to want to eventually make more than just six heroes laugh. My real opinion on this situation is that Joshua Williamson didn't actually think it through very well.

Batman and Superman don't know what to do so they decide to pretend Superman was infected by Shazam. Shazam knows he didn't infect Superman but I'm sure he won't say anything to the Good Guys Who Laugh and ruin Batman and Superman's surprise when Superman goes undercover to work with the Batman Who Laughs. I'm sure failing to infect Superman so that Superman would have to pretend he's the Superman Who Laughs and thus free the Batman Who Laughs so he can find out the Batman Who Laughs plans is totally the Batman Who Laughs' plan. Because whatever the heroes do to stop the bad guys in the beginning of a story is always exactly what the bad guy knew the good guy would do. They're evil geniuses, remember! And Batman and Superman fell for it!

Batman Loves Superman #2 Rating: C. If you didn't read this comic book yourself for a real world example, let me tell you how a mediocre writer writes a comic book: first, the bad guy attacks the heroes rather than doing something criminal or evil while trying to avoid the attention of the heroes. That's because a mediocre writer doesn't know how to write heroes discovering crimes being committed and instead need the villain to wave a lot and shout and say, "Hey! Jerks! I'm doing crime!" Or, better yet, have the criminal's entire plan simply be "I will antagonize the heroes for petty vengeance!" After that, the heroes will fail to stop the criminal. Depending on how long the story is, the heroes will either have to redouble their efforts and super believe in themselves to rally and win the day or the heroes will begin plans to defeat the villain. If they begin plans which make them seem like they're getting the upper hand, those plans will always be exactly what the villain wanted to happen in the first place. The heroes will then be defeated again just when they thought they were going to win! At that point, they'll probably need to do the rallying thing where they just fight a little bit harder than they did before and believe a little bit more than they believed before to show their strength of character and will. Because good always has stronger will and greater strength of character than evil!

I really wish a writer would simply come up with a genius plan by the villain that isn't simply the villain saying, "They're falling right into my plans," after whatever the fuck bullshit the writer wrote. How these evil geniuses can plan such complicated and intricate plans that rely on knowing exactly what every hero is going to do is beyond my limited comprehension. I might even say it's contrived bullshit!

Batman Loves Superman #1

Batman teams up with a Superman pencil topper?

I was tricked into buying this comic book because I'm a comic book fan. If I were in the Star Wars Universe, I'd be getting Jedi mind tricked left and right. I couldn't leave a Jedi bar without wondering why my breath smelled like semen and I couldn't remember the last five hours. I'm not saying Jedis are rapists but if even the supposed most decent Jedi in the galaxy can fuck with some guy's mind who's just looking for a couple of droids, I have to assume that they're all abusing their mind powers in various ways. I think Ayn Rand was a Jedi because pointing out somebody has a weak mind seems to be the only excuse needed for manipulating that mind. Plus, it's too simple a theology to believe the Light Side is upstanding and non-problematic and the Dark Side is gross and cancelled. I bet the Dark Side has some really great ideas about how to run a small moon or death satellite. Why hasn't the Light Side ever come up with a super weapon? To be used for peaceful purposes, of course! Their main weapon is the lightsaber which looks like a baseball bat. Did none of them ever think, "Hey! The Death Star looks like a giant baseball! What if we build a fucking really fucking huge lightsaber?!" Shit, their training apparatus was a mini-death star that shoots lasers that Jedi must block. How could they not think about making a massive lightsaber to block Death Star bolts?! Fucking idiots. Dark Side all the way!

Oh, so as I was saying, I was tricked into buying this comic book! I don't care much for Joshua Williamsons's writing but I still picked this up because it sounded like I needed to if I were to understand everything happening in the DC Universe in the upcoming months. But then I should have thought, "Do I really want to understand any of it if Joshua Williamson is writing it?" But I didn't think that. I hardly think at all when I'm in a comic book shop. I just look around and go, "Ooh! The Batman Who Laughs! Ooh! Harley Quinn! Ooh! The Hulk's cock must be huge. Ooh! Another Terry Moore book where all the blonde women look like Katchoo so I'm often confused! Ew! Walking Dead is still employing Charlie Adlard to do art! Ooh! A new Chris Ware book so I can remember how dreadful existence is! Ooh! My retailer put a book I don't read in my pull box and I don't have the capacity to engage in the smallest amount of conflict that I feel will result in my refusing to buy it after they went through so much trouble! Ooh! How the fuck did I just spend fifty dollars on this shit?! Ooh! I hate myself!"

I didn't even read the previous Batman Who Laughs mini-series so why the fuck did I get dragged into this shit?! I also bought Issues one, two, and four of Event Leviathan but then stopped because I couldn't find Issue three and now I've wasted money on that series that I'll never even read. Fucking comic books. Why do I bother?

Oh yeah! Chris Ware is why I bother! I can't wait to snot cry my eyes out over Rusty Brown.

When did Perry White become interested in Batman and Gotham stories? Oh, that's right. When Joshua Williamson began writing him. Oh, and what editor puts a fucking exclamation point in their headline? Even "Dewey Beats Truman" didn't have any punctuation!

If Jimmy Oleson can get a picture of Batman from that angle, then somebody needs to begin investigating Jimmy Oleson. He might be Superman.

It's going to take me all night to read this one comic book if I keep getting bogged down in the details. Although the details are where all the fun is! The plot probably won't even be worth mentioning. I can probably state it right now without even reading the comic book! "The Batman Who Laughs introduces some kind of virus into the DC Universe which begins infecting heroes whom Batman and Superman need to sniff out and inject with Bat-Antidote." That's pretty much what the cover said and I don't expect it to get any more complicated.

While Clark is at work surrounded by his fellow employees (and employer!), Batman calls for Superman's help. Instead of excusing himself from the room, he simply disappears at super speed. I mean, he's fast so nobody will notice that he left without anybody noticing him leaving! Plus, Clark Kent's persona is so boring that I guess everybody just shrugs and thinks, "Was he even here? Who knows? *YAWN*".

The second page and Williamson is already losing me by having Superman engage in trite comic book philosophy. Think up better reasons for Superman to be better, you lazy jerk.

"You know why I don't punch people on the street? Because then I'd be like people who punch people on the street!" is a pretty lazy code of ethics. Even "I don't punch people on the street because I don't want to be punched on the street" would be better and even that's pretty much the bare minimum of being a good person. How about Superman doesn't treat bad guys like they treat people because he follows the teachings of Jesus, especially the bit about how the man with no sin should cast the first stone. And, no, that doesn't mean righteous people get to act like assholes, Tumblr. It means everybody should have a chance to redeem themselves and their past horrible behavior. It's an anti-death penalty statement made at a public execution. And it's not because Jesus doesn't want people to become like the convicted! It's because he understands that everybody throwing rocks has, at some point, done something for which they've needed forgiveness. And the only way to get forgiveness is to earn it through works and actions. And you can't do that if a bunch of self-righteous assholes on Twitter murder you with stones.

Fucking, Jesus, man. It's weird that I totally get what you're saying but I don't believe in you at all and there are millions of people who don't fucking understand you one bit but claim you as their Lord and Savior.

If you're not religious, just replace "Jesus" with "Gandalf" in the prior exchange and remember that Gandalf's lecture to Frodo about how we can't give life so why are we so quick to take life away is the reason Gollum survives to destroy the One Ring. Mercy and compassion and forgiveness are the only ways to allow for redemption. Oh, sure, Gollum never really redeems himself and the One Ring is only destroyed because Gollum is a greedy and clumsy asshole! But I think you're supposed to kind of ignore that part and just realize without him, Frodo would have become just as greedy but way less clumsy and Sauron would have won.

Anyway, that was Earth-Negative-Whatever's Superman thinking that trite bullshit so maybe I can let it go! I'm sure the Superman of Earth-Positive-0 has way more complex thoughts about moral superiority! Earth-Positive-0 Superman has been called to Gotham by Batman to discuss The Batman Who Laughs and his special serum. I didn't read The Batman Who Laughs but I assume Batman defeated The Batman Who Laughs in it. But it was close and Batman was forced to consider what could happen to the world if he ever stepped over that line! You know the line! Superman just said it in my previous scan! The line that Batman uses to prove that Batman doesn't believe in justice at all; he's just trying to keep from becoming a serial killer one day at a time.

Ugh. I forgot that in Batman Loves Superman comic books, we're subjected to this kind of constant Narrationg Boxing. And the more mediocre the writer, the more intolerable the "playful" thought exchanges.

Commissioner Gordon sends Batman and Superman on a mission to save some kid that was apparently kidnapped by a Superman Who Laughs. After Batman and Superman leave, Gordon laughs. Not much but it's a slight laugh. So I guess I'm supposed to suspect anybody who laughs is evil now? I guess I'll have to kill myself to save all of my loved ones from my gregarious personality! I'm a monster!

This is a trick question, right? More to the point, "What could Superman do that wouldn't stop Batman?!" I can think of about five thousand ways that Superman could stop Batman without even having thought about it before! They just all came to me as soon as Batman asked the question!

I get it. Readers of DC have been trained to believe that nobody can stop Batman. Batman always has a plan. Batman is always prepared. Batman will, if he has to, kill Superman to save the world. Except we also know that Batman won't kill or else that will make him no better than the bad guys! And if we assume that in the final battle between Batman and Superman that Batman will finally kill, maybe we should assume Superman will as well. And maybe we should assume that Superman isn't as naive as Batman thinks he is and that Superman will be killed by Batman in a surprise attack (like how the Batman Who Laughs kills his world's Superman in the beginning of this issue). Maybe Superman will just fly into space and incinerate Batman with his laser vision from orbit. Or maybe Superman will suck all of the oxygen out of a ten mile radius around Batman, knocking him (and everything else) unconscious after which Superman will eat his heart. Or maybe he'll just throw his unconscious body into the Phantom Zone. That's more Superman's way than the heart eating thing. That's more my thing, I guess, since I laugh so much I must be a truly sinister fuckmonster.

Batman winning the fight against Superman always has enough presuppositions in Batman's favor that everybody simply believes Batman can defeat Superman, any time and any place. But more to the point, Batman will probably always beat Superman because that seems to be the more challenging story for a writer to write. And they always want to attempt the more challenging story! I'd like to say more surprising too but, at this point in DC history, it would be more surprising if a writer chose to let Superman win.

You know how Batman has prepared to take out any other hero if they go bad? What if Superman has used his x-ray vision to give Batman super cancer that can be activated with one more small blip of x-ray vision, leading to Batman's ultimate demise. Sure, it'll probably take about six months but Superman can just hide in a quasar until then. I bet the residents of Kandor aren't actually dead! I bet Superman implanted them in Batman so they can end him at any time! They probably live rent free in Batman's brain!

If I don't stop, I'm just going to list all five thousand ways I figure Superman can kill Batman. I should probably keep the other four thousand, nine hundred, and ninety six ways of stopping Batman for future Batman Loves Superman commentaries.

Batman keeps pressing Superman about Superman's "What if Batman turns evil?" contingency plan. Batman is such a narcissist. What makes him think Superman would have any trouble stopping him?! I bet he's already given Alfred some special Kryptonian tea which causes impotence whenever the person who drinks it is around kryptonite which Batman surely noticed by now so he never has any kryptonite on him when he's out whoring around as Bruce Wayne which is when Superman will strike. Four thousand, nine hundred and ninety five ways left!

"Oh, uh, right. Sentimental!" replies Batman as he positions his bat cape to hide his bat boner caused by thinking about his sex toys.

Batman and Superman discover a mold for six batarangs which obviously means The Batman Who Laughed only made six batarangs with which to infect six heroes with Batman Who Laughs juice. And I'm sure they can only be used once because that makes it easy to follow the plot. Save six heroes and Batman and Superman win! And the first hero they need to save is Captain Marvel. Or is it Shazam now? I mean, it shouldn't be Shazam because then Billy Batson can't say his own superhero name without killing the power across several city blocks.

Of course Captain Marvel can kick Superman's ass. Captain Marvel is magic! But then again, he's also an inexperienced child. But then again, Superman wouldn't want to hurt a poor innocent child! So see? This fight is already more exciting than a Superman/Batman match-up where Batman would be a pile of ashes/broken bones/cancer in seconds!

I just remembered that this issue was called "Who are the Secret Six?" At first I thought, "Oh boy! The Secret Six will be guest stars. But then I realized, "Oh, see? Finding a mold that can make six batarangs at once obviously means it was just used once and only six heroes have been turned. I hope the big surprise will be Batman and Superman getting killed by six more turned heroes just when they let their guards down."

Batman Loves Superman #1 Rating: C. It gets an average grade because it's exactly what I expected written exactly as averagely as I expected plodding the same old Batman Loves Superman ground as I expected. And while I might normally drop the series, I'd forgotten how much fun it is to write about a comic book that I'm completely biased against! Hey, at least I admit it! Try reading one of those other comic book review sites that think they're objective and just see how much fucking garbage they'll recommend to you. I mean, the Weird Science blog loved Neal Adams' Deadman comic book! At least for a few issues before they could no longer make excuses for how thoroughly fucking awful it was! At least my review began with, "Holy fucking shit I think I just found the anti-Bible!" Or words to that effect. It would be narcissistic for me to remember every single word I've ever written!