Friday, July 8, 2016

Superman #2

In this issue: Superman versus clouds.

The Review!
Don't think I'm going to easily forget that Pete and Pat killed Goldie the Cat last issue to manipulate the feelings of the readers! Goldie's death should be about Goldie and not about how Jon reacts to having killed Goldie! Godlie's death should not be a footnote in Jon's life! She was a person! Well, a cat! But that probably makes it even worse because cats are cute and adorable! I can't wait until my new website, Kittens in Refrigerators, is up and running so I can really lay into Peter J. Tomasi! What a jerk! By the way, this issue was as good as it could possibly be after having the entire series be ruined by the Goldie's death scene! So, you know, it was enjoyable! But I still hate you, Tomasi and Gleason! With burning rage! I will probably write a poem about it later!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Superman and his son, Jon, flying out to help an Icebreaker caught in the ice. Well, well! You thought you had the perfect name for your ship, didn't you, Mister I Built The Icebreaker Ship! Now who has egg on their face? You! Not you the reader! You the person or people responsible for the Icebreaker! It was probably a whole team of scientists and engineers and warmongers who came up with the idea after the Titanic hit some ice and sank. I wonder if the hulls of Icebreaker ships are made out of teeth because my teeth can break ice like a champ!

It turns out the ship needing rescue is a submarine that broke through the ice and became damaged and the Icebreaker just sent out the distress call so I guess the egg is on somebody else's face now! I won't mention whose though because I wouldn't want to embarrass me. Although it's also possible that Tomasi, being a huge cat-killing jerk, thought Icebreakers were submarines and completely screwed up this entire story right from the start! I bet that's what happened because I like to believe that pet murdering jerks make stupid mistakes!

While Superman gloats about his victory to the crew of the submarine, a giant squid attacks! It must be after the uranium fuel! Jon watches off in the distance afraid that if he uses his heat vision to help, he'll kill all of the cats in the world.

The Squid is being controlled by some robotic attachment which makes sense because I didn't really think a giant squid was hungry for uranium. Although how do they get so big if it's not by eating uranium, hunh? Answer that! Not so stupid a thought now, is it?

But what about all of the cats ever?!

Superman teaches Jon how to concentrate his heat vision into a fine laser so that next time he has to save a cat from a tree, he doesn't burn down the forest and all of the cats too.

I don't think I've expressed my anger at Goldie's death enough yet! So here's another fuck you, Tomasi!

Oh, and by learning to use his heat vision, Jon destroys the technology controlling the squid and saves the day without killing any innocent creatures.

Superman gives Jon the talk. Not the one my parents never gave me so now I have no idea if I've ever had sex or not! The talk about how being Superman isn't about punching things into submission. He's all, "That was the other Superman! The one who didn't know any better! But we're good Supermen! We're not worried about fangenders thinking we're too powerful or that we're cosmic boy scouts! We do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done for the right reasons! And that's that!" And Jon says, "I killed the fucking cat, okay?! It was me! You knew I did it and you tricked me into admitting it and I hate you forever!" Unless he actually reacted like a good kid who feels ashamed for what he did and for lying about it too. That might be how he actually reacted but it's so foreign to me that I had to make up my own story at this point. Parents and kids just don't have sweet talks about real life! They scream and throw McDonald's pies at each other!

After Superman and Superboy leave, the remains of the robotic technology take samples of the plasma created by Superboy's heat vision and determine that there is a half-human, half-Kryptonian kid running around Earth. And it knows the kid is from the House of El! So it must be Brainiac since he knows so goddamned much.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! Stop bonding over Goldie's death! I miss Judas so much!

The neighbor girl wanders out to sit in a tree with Jon and maybe sneak a kiss. It might not be behind the barn but on the cheek will do just as well. But Jon gets embarrassed and destroys the branch they're sitting on by clenching his super butt cheeks too tight. He knocks himself out from the fall so I guess his invulnerability hasn't kicked in too well yet. He's fire resistant but not knock to the head resistant, I guess.

Oh, and apparently Lois and Clark have changed their name again from "White" to "Smith". Creative!

Clark and Lois can't figure out why Jon could get a concussion when he's developed so many other powers. I bet it's because nobody wants another character that's overpowered! He needs to have some flaws! I guess concussions are going to be Jon's kryptonite.

And finally, the mystery DNA reader winds up being Eradicator. That makes sense because last issue's Next Blurb mentioned something about eradication. I just forgot because I was so angry about the death of Goldie. But I think I probably made a Squash joke about the Eradicator! That's a Kids in the Hall reference!

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