Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Constantine the Hellblazer #13

Is Constantine bisexual because everybody he meets gets fucked?

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue is called "Worthless" which is a good start toward my prediction that Constantine's plan to rid New York of Neron was to make New York worthless to him.

• Constantine and some of his Justice League Dark pals who he's steal on speaking terms do some magical tweaking of the very nature of New York. Apparently that's something magicians aren't supposed to mess with but since it's never been mentioned until this story, it's really easy for Constantine to break that rule. He breaks them all anyway, right? But how much easier to break a rule that was just made up to be broken! So easy!

He won because the writers are on his side, dummy.

• Constantine has turned New York into the most boring city on the face of the earth, full of boring bores whose souls are worthless. So it's Portland now?

• I wonder if Portland, Maine, has a couple dozen confused hipsters living there?

• Lady Alexandriel of Faerie proves she's a top one percenter by offering to buy out Neron in his time of desperation. She smells somebody about to lose it all and she offers him next to nothing for everything he has. I bet a lot of this is going to be going on in Britain in the next few years. Does Britain get to declare itself its own continent now? Did leaving the European Union cause it to leave Europe completely?! That'd be awesome. Maybe they can call their new continent Pluto.

• In return for helping make New York a part of Faerie, Constantine gets Oliver's daughters' souls back. And New York is...well, probably not a whole lot different. Maybe there will now be a few more musicals?

• Constantine learns a lesson that most people never learn: communicate! Make sure the people close to you know what you're doing so they don't call the police when you keep on taking dozens of kittens into the basement. You don't want to find out the hard way that your Kitten Cuddle Room has branded you as a serial killer. So instead of letting Oliver know that he had a plan to save Oliver's girls, Constantine just rushed off to do it after telling Oliver he failed. So Oliver went out and made a deal with a devil to get his girls back on his own. That devil was Blythe, who really dislikes Constantine right now.

• So once more, Constantine loses somebody he loves because that's just the way Constantine's life is. I would like to say it's a curse and it's through no fault of his own but that would make the character far less interesting, wouldn't it? No, John knew when he approached Oliver that Oliver was probably going to end in a bad way. And even though John thinks he cares, he knows he didn't care enough to simply stay away. He tried to leave Oliver but, of course, that was after it was way too late. And it's not like Constantine didn't already know that it was going to be way too late the moment he introduced himself to Oliver.

• I'm excited for the next chapter in Constantine's life! I love seeing innocent people damned to hell for being too sociable to the wrong people! Serves them right!

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