Batman #2

Here we see Batman thinking, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

The Review!
Tom King's Batman is the best Batman because...that's where I would put a bunch of smart reasons that I don't want to come up with. But you know they'd be really smart and super intelligent and way funnier than any reasons given by those guys at the Weird Science blog! Their motto is "We don't know who Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is but we know we're not as cool!" I think. Their motto might also not revolve around me at all. In fact, if anybody has ever mentioned my blog to them, they probably responded with "What do you want me to eat, asshole?!" Anyway, Batman with no Narration Boxes is the best Batman. If you like Batman with Narration Boxes, you're basically Kevin Smith. And who would want to be Kevin Smith? I mean aside from the success and the loving family and the ability to eat anything you want because hockey jerseys fit people of any size. Did that sound like I was slagging off Kevin Smith? I didn't mean to! I love Kevin Smith! I also love telling kittens at the Humane Society that I'm going to be taking them home and then sneaking out without another word. Oh! I also love San Dimas!

The Commentary!
I am glad that DC Comics has continued to have faith in the success of light-hearted, hilarious books like Batman. I, for one, like to see a crime-fighter with self-control who merely breaks arms, legs, and jaws. A person in authority who does not pin a man to the ground and shoot him in the face because they felt disrespected, or have a huge power trip, or know that no District Attorney is ever going to seriously convict a policeman for murder because they work too closely with the department to get convictions and even the so-called good police officers will close rank if any one of the horrible ones is ever actually brought to justice for murdering somebody (always a black somebody) in cold blood. So it's refreshing to pick up a comical book like Batman and lose myself in the laughter and jokes and misadventures of a caring, empathetic soul!

Last issue, Batman met Gotham and Gotham Girl. Batman refrained from snickering at their names. Although later he had a good laugh telling Alfred about them even if he didn't quite catch what Alfred mumbled about the name Batman as he walked out of the room with the tea tray. This issue begins with Solomon Grundy in town on business. I think he's on a stand-up comedy tour.

"Played the Laugh Factory on Wednesday! Bombed on Thursday! Had therapy on Friday! Beat himself up emotionally on Saturday! Cried all day on Sunday!"

It's nice to begin a comic book with Solomon Grundy already on a rampage because who wants to set up the story surrounding his motivations?! He's just a big dumb zombie comedian! Why waste space on his trials and tribulations when we already know the troubles which comics have to deal with since every other program on Netflix is about comedians? It's best to just begin with Grundy smashing stuff so that the reader can immediately think, "Oh! Bad set, hunh Grundy?"

Gotham and Gotham Girl think the best way to defeat Grundy is to punch him while he's reciting his act. But Batman knows the proper way to stop Grundy is to wait until he's finished and them throw him out of the club.

Wait! Grundy said the whole poem but he forgot about falling in love on Friday!

I bet David Finch was disappointed that Tom King was making Solomon Grundy the enemy. I bet he whined and hedged and tried to convince King to make it the White Rabbit. Or since it's Rebirth, what about a female version of Solomon Grundy who looks hot and sexy and wears almost no clothes?

Batman seems to think sharing the responsibilities of keeping order in Gotham is a good idea. He doesn't tell Gotham and Gotham Girl to beat it any times which is way less times than I thought he would. Instead he lectures Gotham about how he needs to do better and doesn't even bother speaking with Gotham Girl. I bet Bruce Wayne has sex with Gotham Girl later! Or already?

Batman is beginning to feel like the old guy being forced out of a company because he's old and earns too much money and doesn't have any super-powers and did I mention how old he was? He accepts that it's better to have heroes like Gotham and Gotham Girl in Gotham. Mostly because it would be weird if they were in Metropolis. But also because he is just a man. A regular man who shouldn't probably be climbing around on the outside of a plane to save the day. He's best at scaring kids so that they don't go around spraying graffiti on everything. And he's okay at bouncing Solomon Grundy from a club or two. But what if an asteroid full of dinosaurs infected with Cosmic AIDS was crashing down on the city? How would he climb on that to save the day?! The best thing he can do is accept Gotham and Gotham Girl as a new regular feature of the city.

Oh, will he? I think Dick has moved on with his own plans, dude!

Above the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is throwing a gala for the opening of a children's hospital! You know what that means, right? Time to meet Gotham Girl in her civilian garb and bang the stability out of her! Probably while Gotham watches. I meant the city! Because he'll do her on the helipad on top of his company skyscraper! And also Gotham will probably be watching too! The hero!

Meanwhile, a man with PTSD kills himself in Commissioner Gordon's office after saying that the Monster Men are coming. And by PTSD, I mean Post-Therapy of Strange, Doctor. Or something. You get it!

At the gala, Bruce Wayne is rubbing his erection on the thigh of a young woman who thinks they're just dancing when he looks out the window, sees the Bat Signal in the sky, and says, "I have to go! It has nothing to do with that light in the sky! I just have to masturbate now!" Then he rushes off with the young woman saying, "Why do you need to masturbate?! My underpants are currently a swampland!" At least David Finch was given a few panels where he could draw a woman! Or was it a young girl? No, no. I'm pretty sure it was a woman or else Bruce wouldn't have been so sexy to her.

Oh, and remember that part where I said this boock was light-hearted and hilarious and you thought, "Fuck you, you stupid idjit!"? Remember?

Boom! In your stupid face! Hilarity!

Just for a second, let's go back to that Monster Men are Coming bit that I breezed over like I usually breeze over things thinking that everybody is filling the empty spaces of the things I'm not saying with things that I would be saying if I didn't think they were so obvious! Is Tom King going to have a bit of a meta-conversation between his book and the television show, Gotham? Because basically this whole Monster Men thing and Dr. Hugo Strange stuff was the cliffhanger for the last season of Gotham. The other part of the cliffhanger was when was Selina going to poison Alfred for slapping her? So tense!

On the roof of Gotham Central, Commissioner Gordon makes sure Gotham and Gotham Girl feel just how much he dislikes having to work with more freaking heroes. Although he might like how Gotham Girl likes to fly above him while wearing a really short skirt. I wonder if her bum is as cute as Supergirl's?

Batman rushes off to investigate leaving Gordon and the Gothams to awkwardly stand around discussing how Batman isn't there anymore. But he's got their number, apparently, so I'm sure he'll call if he needs somebody who can fly or see through walls or thinking up really boring names for things.

The epilogue proves that Hugo Strange is behind the people doing bad things and then killing themselves. The real surprise is that standing behind Hugo who is behind the bad stuff is Amanda Waller and, presumably, General Lane. And they think they're the ones saving Gotham! So I guess that's the mystery! Who are the monsters?! The Gothams? Grundy and others? Strange? Waller? Batman's sticky penis?

Can I end on that? I can probably end on that, right?