Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

But Hal Jordan missed all of that because he was off trying to find the Green Lantern Corps for some reason! I guess because he thinks of himself as a leader so he needs people to lead. Plus he had a brand new cool Green Lantern ring that he made all by himself and he desperately wanted to rub it in Guy Gardner's smug face.

Joween, Joween, Joween, Joween!

Hal Jordan has come to the planet Joween because, I assume, somebody stole somebody's man. Although is that really theft when the man has a will of his own? I mean, if my sexy lamp decided it wanted to light up somebody else's life, should I blame that somebody else or should I blame my sexy lamp?

I was pretty close with the guess about a man being missing! Except it's a lot of men that have gone missing. And women! And other entities gendered in a way that I can't comprehend being that they're aliens and probably have all sorts of different kinds of genitals that I wouldn't understand. I barely understand the genitals we have here on Earth!

While Hal beats up on leads to get more leads to beat up on so that he might eventually find his lost Corps, Sinestro stands on the balcony of his Recreational Vehicle waiting for the Parallax Viagra to kick in.

He's talking about sex with Lyssa. I think.

Somehow and somewhere, in some title I was apparently not reading, the Sinestro Corps have taken charge of the entire universe. I guess when Earth embraced the Sinestro Corps after it saved them from the Pope of Autism, it was representative of the Sinestro Corps being accepted by the entire universe. That's understandable because the Earth is really all that matters in the DC Universe. They're also the most stubborn, so if they can accept the Sinestro Corps as their saviors, why shouldn't the rest of the universe?

Sinestro's plan, now that the universe is in order, is to make everybody in the universe fear stepping out of line. That seems like reasonable. It's the only reason I don't go out and burn cars every night. I fear what would happen if somebody else decided to go out and burn cars every night! And while logically I know that my not burning cars is not preventing other people from burning cars, it still feels that by not burning cars myself, I'm somehow holding other people to the same terms. Think about that! That tacit agreement to not go around destroying everybody else's shit is the only thing holding civilization together! It's not the cops or the government or a religious moral code. It's just this vague hope that everybody else just toes the line along with you! It's why old people find teenagers so scary! Because they know teenagers care more about fun than getting along! Also because teenagers don't usually own their own property so what do they care if a bunch of cars burn? Oh man. I'm starting to fear teenagers!

Did I mention how Parallax looks like he's just an metaphor for Sinestro's manhood? Okay, I was pretty sure I'd mentioned it somewhere before. But, being Rebirth, I should point it out again. Parallax is just Sinestro's junk manifested into fear.

The scene shifts back to Joween where Green Lantern learns that the other Green Lanterns just disappeared into thin air a few months ago. I'm sure when he finds them, it'll be like the final scene on the beach in Goonies. "It was terrible! We were just going about our business when suddenly a pitch meeting of a half-assed idea caught us up in its gravity!" "I was minding my own business when suddenly I was being written by a hack in another universe!" "The octopus was the scariest part!"

While he's interviewing the brigands, Hal has an attack of Willpower. Or Fear. Or Diarrhea. That's the brown spectrum. Ba da dump!

Lyssa has to stand this way because the front of her outfit is Teen Plus Rated.

Soranik is surprised to see her father come around the corner looking forty years younger with a massive erection. Lyssa is all, "Daddy is feeling better! Which means Mommy will be soon!" No, seriously. She actually said that! That wasn't me paraphrasing! Those were the actual words she used! Oh, except for the Mommy line. I did add that. But the Daddy line was all hers!

Sinestro goes on and on about Sinestro's might which I guess I'd expect from somebody who thought they'd never get it up again. The members of the Sinestro Corps cheer his raging hard-on as he tells them about his renewed strength and power. But the only way to keep strength and power, he warns, is to use it! That's when Lyssa floods her shoes and collapses in a huge orgasm.

Venditti must be thanking all the gods of writing that Trump is happening right now. Allegory!

Soranik isn't happy about this turn of events because she was led to believe that she was going to be leader. Sinestro was supposed to die and she was supposed to use fear to instill order! I don't know how she would have done it any different though. Maybe the way I mentioned earlier. Just a low level fear jolt spread across all the residents of the universe so that they're too timid to cause trouble. That's different than what Sinestro plans to do only by degree, of course!

I really have a hard time remembering the name of any Sinestro Corps members whose outfits don't reach down to just under the top of their vagina so I'll just describe them. Triple Scoop Face and Skull in Jelly have arrived at Joween (Joween! Joween JOWEEEEEEEEEN!) to instill some fear. They don't realize that the fear tables are going to be turned against them when Hal Jordan steps out of the shadows and sprays his green spew all over them. The Yellow Lanterns are all, "*BBRRRRRRPPPPP*" and "*SQQQUUUIIIISSSSHHHLLLLEEEEZZ*", respectively, as they shit themselves.

Elsewhere in the universe, the Green Lantern Corps finally escape the shitty Lost Army bullshit they were shit shittily into. Normally I wouldn't point out that I feel any emotion at all because I almost certainly don't but I did smile at the double page spread of their arrival. I guess sometimes double page splashes are effective!

The Review!
Is this all it took for me to finally get back on board the Green Lantern Express as it barrels down the tracks to smash into the universe which Sinestro has maniacally tied to the tracks while twirling Lyssa's pubic mustache? I'm not good with analogies. Or metaphors. Or whatever that was I just attempeted. How about I just say I'm enjoying the DC Rebirth comic with the worst title, Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps? It shouldn't be any surprise though because I liked Venditti's Green Lantern when Hal was all by himself. Robert gets Hal and I'm hoping he gets Guy and John and Kilowog too! Oh, and he also seems to get Sinestro! Because this is a Sinestro I can appreciate! I think I can appreciate him because he's the villain who thinks he's the hero who simply appreciates order at any cost and not just that he's not being written by Cullen Bunn. I mean, that's a plus, but I like to believe that I've got some unbiased critical thoughts!

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