Friday, July 29, 2016

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Oh! It's also possible the editors at DC will find a way to blame the fans for not buying the comic books they claim they want to read. It's probably the main reason DC decided to have the Watchmen be the enemies. Because the readers are the watchers. We are the Watchmen. And it's our fucking fault, apparently!

Before the issue really gets started, Dan Abnett decides to waste a bunch of pages catching up the readers who began with this comic book. So basically those people who wasted money on Rebirth and Titans Rebirth #1 are also losing value on this comic book as the first four pages simply rehash the previous stories we've already read. Oh, Kid Flash also gets a new terrible suit so he can just be called The Flash and everybody can be confused. The suit is mostly terrible because Brett Booth is drawing it. He likes to distract the reader from his inability to draw proportions by drawing crazy lightning around everything.

Suddenly, The Flash is attacked by Doomsday! Oh no wait. That's the Snickers advertisement again. Never mind.

Flash is really just telling the story to Lilith who already knew it because she's psychic. But she needed an extra twenty dollars so she's reading Wally's fortune.

Oh shit! Donna has noticed us watching her! Hide!

Linda Park is currently in Keystone City waiting to be part of a love story that I don't give a shit about. I know, I know! All of the Wally fans are just gunging up their underwear over this crap. Will Linda and Wally get back together?! Will their love be strong enough to stand the test of erased time?! Will Wally slip in the show and penetrate Dick Grayson from behind while Dick's mouth is full of Tempest cock?! Oh, sorry. That's from Wally's life after Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) erased him from existence.

Linda is busy with a blog called It's actually some kind of usenet service provider or something in our reality. I didn't really use any of my brain when scrolling down the site. I was really hoping for a Linda Park run news blog Easter egg! You could have done at least a little work setting that up, DC. Don't you know that whenever you use an URL in your comic books, you should purchase that fucking domain name? Where's your business savvy! I'm going to go register right now!

Linda Park is going to make a name for herself by writing on the Internet! She probably shouldn't even bother. The way to get famous on the Internet is to come up with an idea that has no worth or merit after the initial revelation of that idea, at least not for the creator. Because if you're truly creative, being saddled with the daily job of putting philosophical quotes on top of pop culture images is a fucking chore. But people eat that bullshit right up! How about Peanuts comics with Smiths' lyrics! SO FUCKING GOOD! For, like, the one time I checked it out before I got bored and never fucking returned. But that's the kind of thing Linda Park needs to get over the top! That or a YouTube channel where she gets drunk and plays horseshoes or Minigolf three times a week.

Here we see Iris chasing down a lead! I mean Linda! Whatever. Does it matter?

The Titans are busy sitting around Dick's loft comparing their thighs. They have such massive thighs! I once had massive thighs back when I used to bike the Santa Cruz mountains. But now I have the thighs of a guy who reads a lot of comic books and used to ride a bike in the mountains. They're still fairly impressive but the inner thigh has gone pretty soft and squishy.

Roy has an idea that maybe they should talk to Mammoth about Wally's imagined threat to the universe because Mammoth was wrapped up in that Mister Twister thing that seemed a lot like this current problem. Dick almost chokes on his tongue when he realizes Roy has a good idea. So off some of them go to track down Mammoth while Wally stays behind to keep letting Lilith scrounge inside his head.

Does Roy realize he's not an Outlaw anymore and probably shouldn't be killing people?

I'm pretty sure Roy just killed three people. One probably broke his neck flying out of the crashing truck, one crushed under the tumbling truck, and one stuck by Roy's Lobotomy Arrow. Luckily I know he's probably not into killing anymore so I'm supposed to believe nobody even accidentally died here. Especially the one with the arrow sticking out of his forehead. Anyway, it works! Just before Wonder Girl shows up to break a guy's back with a shove, they get the name Psimon out of one of the bad guys. Now instead of asking people where to find Mammoth so that they can find Mammoth, they need to go rough some people up and ask where to find Psimon so they can find Mammoth! They're so much closer now!

Lilith uses her telepathy on Wally and does such a good job that she reads somebody else's mind inside of his! Then she panics and tells everybody they have to go to Keystone City. Wally's penis is all, "Keystone City! Right on! That's where Linda Park's vagina lives!"

It's possible Lilith's telepathy awoke the memories of Abra Kadabra. Now he's sending children into space instead of beating The Flash using the power of thought! Because nothing is faster than the speed of thought! Except for The Flash. I mean, obviously he's faster than thought! Thought isn't really that fucking fast. I mean, I have to decide what I want to do and then I have to tell my body to do it and then my body has to be directed at the thing I want to do it to. Even if the thought is some kind of psionic attack, I still have to direct it at something. I can't just think, "Blow up The Flash!" Although since those things only exist in comic books, I guess I could think that if the writer wanted me to.

Abra Kadabra declares that he was the guy who made Wally West disappear. But of course he didn't! He's a two-bit villain who can barely earn a living doing magic shows for kids' birthday parties.

The Review!
It's hard to review a comic book when the art is vying to destroy any interest I have in the writing. I like Dan Abnett's characterization of the Titans but I can't stand looking at their goofy faces and their extraordinarily long legs and thick thighs. Why hasn't Brett Booth signed an exclusivity contract with Marvel? Why doesn't Brett Booth go sailing with Scott Lobdell in a boat full of power drills and old sticks of dynamite? Why haven't I invented time travel so I can go back in time and hire a better art teacher for Brett Booth? Or maybe I can go back in time and convince Brett Booth that his art sucks and maybe he'd like to lead Germany? I wonder if that's what happened with Hitler? I wonder if his art was so bad and yet so ubiquitous that somebody decided to go back in time and get him to quit art. Then when he became a fascist dictator and ordered the genocide of thousands, the time traveler looked on his work, shrugged, and thought, "Still worth it." Yes, I'm saying that not having to look at Brett Booth's art might theoretically be worth six million lives.

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