Saturday, July 30, 2016

Nightwing #1

"Nightwing" is a palindrome for people with a serious speech impediment.

The Commentary!
"Nightwing is a palindrome" isn't as sexy as it sounds if it sounded to you like "Nightwing is a pal in Rome." That's probably a euphemism like "from the other side of the shore" or "whitewashing the kidneys." This beginning isn't as off-topic as you're probably thinking it is because, as we saw in Nightwing Rebirth #1, DC Comics has finally decided to let Dick Grayson out of the closet! He is now as gay as every fanfiction writer has been portraying him! Okay, maybe not that gay yet. I mean, he hasn't tasted every dick and male asshole in the DC Universe just yet! Give him some time! Rebirth just began last month!

I know I always say "I know what you're thinking" (even though I rarely actually know (unless what you're thinking is, "Gee, Tess, you're kind of an asshole!")) but this time I think I really do know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "I would say Nightwing is bisexual and not actually gay because remember Starfire and Batgirl and Raya and Helena?" Wow, now that I list all the women he's been with, I'm impressed! Four women! Of course, he only did mutual masturbation with Batgirl, so I'm not sure that counts. Um, anyway, getting back to Dick and his penchant for it, I'm fairly certain Nightwing Rebirth #1 was all about him coming out of the closet and, in so doing, revealed that the women had all been trendy facial hair. Although he's probably going to do it to a lot of ladies in this comic book, so I should just go with the bisexual angle. It's going to be hard to keep defending the Nightwing is gay claim if he just bangs woman after woman and we never even see him kiss a guy. Which we won't because DC Comics likes claiming characters are gay but rarely let's them do anything about it¹.

This must be the new out-of-the-closet Dick Grayson speaking!

The person speaking is actually a woman named Doctor Leviticus. Unless it's a man because what woman could be a doctor? I mean what woman would want to be associated with Leviticus! That's what I meant! Pretend you didn't read the doctor comment or realize I was sexist when you read it! Dr. Levi (as she's known to all the cool kids like me and...well, probably only me. If there were other cool kids, I'd have some friends, wouldn't I?) is hanging out with her pet corpse and digging up treasure in a graveyard. She finds a small chest full of Charon's coins from the dead which she plans on selling to the Parliament of Owls. Not the Court of Owls, of course! Because even though the Court of Owls were just urban legends that nobody believed existed until a few years ago, everybody in Europe knows about the Parliament of Owls! Although if I were Dr. Levi, I wouldn't be so sure the Parliament of Owls doesn't already own the treasure she's going to try to sell them because the box is covered in carved owl images.

It's page one and Dr. Levi is already my new favorite character! I hope her gimmick is that she adheres absolutely to every law in Leviticus! Although there must be at least one law against graverobbing and palling around with the walking undead, right?

It's page two and Dr. Levi is about to be buried alive by a mystery person with a wrist gadget he calls Suyolak! It can cure whatever is ailing you! Although I think it's main cure is death because it's all, "Dude! Life is what's ailing you! It's so hard! Just slip into the quiet of the grave and all your troubles will be gone!" It's got a pretty convincing argument, really. Although I don't like that this Suyolak and the man it's attached to are already trying to rid my life of Dr. Levi. Jerks.

I had never heard of Suyolak so I had to ask Lord Google.

Tess: "Lord Google, Master of All Knowledge, Arcane Wizard of Enlightenment, please grant me with the answers I seek regarding Suyolak!"
Lord Google: "Seriously? You've never heard of Suyolak? *snort* I can't believe you've never heard of Suyolak!"
Tess: "Can you not judge me this time, Lord Google? I understand why you mocked me when I asked about the clitoris. But why should I have ever heard of Suyolak?!"
Lord Google: "Suyolak is a wizard in Romani myth who could find a cure for anything."
Tess: "Oh. That makes sense! It's just like the comic book! I wonder if it's a coincidence that Tim Seeley chose that name?"
Lord Google: "You're a fucking idiot."

I don't like to check Google more often than I have to. I'd rather remain ignorant than feel like shit.

Nightwing is currently in Turin, Italy, fighting crime at a circus opera that has been attacked by Kobra agents. Unless he just got a job with the scariest Cirque du Soleil ever. Although I doubt Italy has anything as gauche as Cirque du Soleil! They're all so refined in Italy, sitting on marble steps smoking cigarettes and drinking tiny coffees and weird, pastel ice creams!

This issue is called "Better Than Batman" because duh! What a claim, though, right? What a way to start a series! Just come right out and say what everybody has been saying for like ten years now! Some people may have been saying it earlier than that but I said "everybody" in the ten year range! So if you're one of those who was thinking it before everybody else was, la dee fucking dah! I guess you were just a huge genius, weren't you?! Or maybe you just had such a huge crush on Nightwing that it clouded your vision and made you think Nightwing was better than Batman long before he actually was. Because if you thought Nightwing was better than Batman during Marv Wolfman's Titans years, you were high on whatever drug was popular in the late eighties and early nineties. I think it was Skiplets.

Dick saves some lady named Manfredi while offering more proof of how gay he's become. Or always was but finally decided to reveal to the world! I don't want people misunderstanding me and thinking I think it's a choice to be gay or not! Because if it was a choice, what am I doing trying to have sex with women?! They're always all, "Ew! I have standards!" While guys are like, "Did you just make eye contact with me here in the park? Are we jerking each other off behind a bush now?"

See? He's putting on a show by thinking a woman looks lovely! So gay!

Nightwing tells Manfredi that the Parliament of Owls sends its regards because he's currently working for them. I mean he's working as a double agent for them since he's working as a regular agent for Batman. Unless it's the other way around and he's the double agent for Batman and the regular agent for the Parliament of Owls! The Parliament of Owls think they have control over Dick because they still think their bomb is up Damian's nose. But it isn't because Midnighter, an expert at getting big things in and out of tiny orifices, helped Dick remove it.

Nightwing has to explain to all the chowderheads who don't know anything and also don't have access to that asshole Lord Google that a gathering of owls is called a "Parliament." I covered that for the readers last week, Dick! Not that they didn't already know that because my readership is way smarter than me anyway! At least most of them are! Five out of the six, anyway²! Dick also points out that a group of crows is a murder, a group of mallards is a flush, and a group of geese is a gaggle. Why doesn't he say what a group of Robins are? Is it a Wet Dream of Robins?

Yeesh. It just looks like they're all in blackface now.

The Parliament of Owls have called Dick in to chastise him for being too heroic. They want him on the team because he's "the Gray Son of Gotham" who's supposed to fulfill the prophecy and bring blandness and neutrality to the entire world. But he just won't kill as many people as he saves. And how are you supposed to maintain balance when all you do is good? Get with the program, Dick!

Nightwing's plan to infiltrate the Owls might have a few hurdles to get over if he's not willing to kill anybody. Eventually they're going to realize that Dick must not give a shit if they kill Damian, so they're going to have to stick a bomb in somebody else close to Dick. Until then, The Parliament of Owls have hired a more ruthless agent named Raptor to be Nightwing's sidekick. Get it? His name is Raptor! He totally fits in because a raptor has to do with birds or something. Dick has some time to kill before he has to start hanging out with Raptor, so he heads back to Gotham for a bit.

This is what happens when you have too many kids!

Damian gleefully punches his father in the face and everybody cheers. At least everybody currently in the same room with me. Damian may be gleeful now but he's probably going to pay for that left hook. Did I sound like an actual man by recognizing a punch? Are there even any other punches besides left hook, right jab, and uppercut? You might be able to tell that I learned all of my boxing terms from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

Dick has decided to come to Batman for advice over the Raptor situation.

Dick: "They want to make me work with a sidekick!"
Bruce: "That sounds awful. Sidekicks are the worst."
Dick: "I know! I'm still not over working with Damian and...hey!"
Bruce: "Why are you even asking me for advice? You're the one who left me!"
Dick: "That was years ago, Bruce! How can you still be dealing with me leaving the nest? Er, cave! I'm totally stuck on bird imagery now!"
Bruce: "I'm still dealing with that collar you chose for your first Nightwing costume!"
Dick: "It was an homage to my parents!"
Bruce: "You should have been homaging me! I'm your parent!"
Dick: "Seriously? If I based my costume on the parent that took care of me after my real parents died, I would have been dressed like a butler!"
Bruce: "You take that back!"
Dick: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Bruce: "--tt--"
Dick: "Um, before I go...?"
Bruce: "How much do you need?"

After the father-son talk, Dick heads out to finger bang Babs for old times sake.

Sounds like a fun night at the gay bar.

Dick and Babs decide to battle Spinebender again unless that's also a euphemism. I can't know for sure because the scene ends with Nightwing casually falling backwards off of a bridge after which I assume he dies. Batgirl apparently always answered "Yes!" when her dad asked "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" because she dives after Nightwing. And, I assume, also dies.

Throughout this issue, Nightwing has resorted to Narration Boxing as if he's doing a commentary track on a DVD. But you know what? It doesn't bother me. I suppose I don't hate them that much when they're written by a good writer whose actually saying something thematic throughout the story inside the Narration Boxing. I guess my positive bias toward Tim Seeley's writing gives him some leeway to engage in aspects of comic book writing that I usually can't stand. What I'm trying to say is I'll suck his dick if I meet him at a convention. Just out of appreciation for his skills! I'm not gay like Nightwing!

Nightwing heads out to his Moscow mission and the meeting with Raptor afterward. It turns out Raptor is the guy with Suyolak. It also turns out he's not as fun as Tiger was. And Tiger was a huge jerk, so you get what I'm saying, right? Nightwing's reaction to meeting me made me laugh out loud. Raptor is all, "You suck at stuff. The worst. So bad at it. Amateur. Gay, even, if you can pardon my insensitive use of the term because I find lame, the oft suggested substitute, ableist." And Dick is just, "Oh. You." Classic understated Dick!

Dick also makes a proctology joke which is pretty good too. Especially since Suyolak could probably remove whatever is stuck in somebody's ass. Also whatever else proctologists take care of the other 5% of visits.

At first I was like, "This Raptor guy is a jerk. He killed my new fave, Dr. Levi, and now he's being a dick to Dick." But then I was all, "This guy is totally my new fave!"

Raptor doesn't know what he's talking about! Dick and Babs have totally mutually masturbated multiple times to The Cure's "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me"!

Raptor ends his lesson with Suyolak prescribing a dose of sitting down, shutting up, and forgetting everything Batman ever taught Nightwing. Mostly the part about not killing people, probably. Because remember the best cure for a malady is death! Solves it every time!

The Review!
So far in Rebirth, if I could only afford to read on DC Comics title, it would be Nightwing. I know that's a tough choice and all with Tom King writing Batman but holy jizz up my nose, Tim Seeley rocks the cock off of Nightwing! This book is better than The Bible! That statement was made purely due to my excitement and was probably a bit hyperbolic and over the top. It's not like anybody needs to understand Nightwing to understand 99% of all Western Literature. So I'd probably have to go with The Bible being the better book, if I were forced to make that decision and gunpoint and I would be killed if I didn't answer "The Bible." This is the kind of comic book Cullen Bunn reads and thinks, "Why do I even exist?" That statement was made purely due to Cullen Bunn having actually responded in annoyance at my reviews of him. Ha ha! He should have just not said anything because I would gladly have forgotten him since he was nowhere as bad at punctuation as Howard Mackie, or as bad at dialogue as Ann Nocenti, or as bad at art as Brett Booth, or as bad at general writing as Scott Lobdell. But he posted a picture on the internet of a person flipping the bird and directed it at me! So fuck you, Cullen Bunn! You're my go-to bitch³ now!

Speaking of Rebirths, I think this Review might be the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Rebirth. I haven't been giving the same amount of time and care to these things as I was giving a year or so ago (maybe since October 25th, 2014). But I want to get back to doing reviews like this one. This gave me a lot of joy even if it took twice as long as usual or more. This is the kind of review that I think my patrons on Patreon deserve and are supporting me for. I just want to thank them all once more because they're supporting me for something that is mostly free (I still occasionally do a handful of Patreon-only reviews). And I'd like to point out that along with the reviews, I'm planning on creating some alternate writing projects that will only be available in actual, real, hard copies. Check the Patreon for details. There isn't much now because I'm not sure what'll be first, but it'll probably be a book of poetry by a fictional ruler of a fictional country from an RPG that doesn't yet exist called "The Chicken by the Gate". Um, anyway, thanks for reading! Here's to hoping I can find the time to do more reviews like this one. ________________________________________________
¹Midnighter was a grand exception! DC Comics really should make more comics about gay heroes and heroines like Midnighter! Not that I enjoy seeing two men kiss! Ew! I'm so heterosexual I don't even like eating corndogs!
²I have many, many, MANY Tumblr readers. But only six Patreon readers. They're the only ones that count. And just so five of them don't feel like I'm calling them dumber than me, the one that is dumber than me is Doom Bunny!
³I meant that in the least sexist way possible, even though that's still pretty sexist!

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