Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever Daredevil can't! Look out! Spider-man doesn't rhyme with can't!
Spider-man is a jerk. He thinks he's funny but he's really just inaccessible. He uses humor to remain emotionally distant. If he doesn't form close bonds, he doesn't have to worry about having his feelings hurt. His entire shtick is devised to keep him detached. Why would you choose to be associated with a spider? I mean besides because a spider gave him his powers. I mean, he didn't have to choose to be Spider-man. His super powers are the ability to sense danger and being inordinately strong. That doesn't scream spider to me. But you know what does scream spider? Anybody who sees one! Which is probably why he chose to be a spider because it creeps people out and keeps them wanting to get close to him. He also developed his web technology so he can apprehend villains from a distance. You never know when Black Cat is going to try to seduce you and you're going to fall for it and you're suddenly going to open up and realize you have no idea how to handle the flood of emotions you've locked away inside of you since your mother taught you emotions were only to be used to manipulate and control! I mean, you know, that's probably what Peter Parker learned early on in life. Frickin' Aunt May.
That's about as good as I get at to a Browning's style dramatic monologue! I'm not as clever or subtle! That's also about as good as I get at a review of a Marvel comic book! Now you're left wondering: "did Tess like it? Tess didn't even talk about it? What the fuck is wrong with Tess? How is this a comic book review site? Who the fuck does Tess think Tess is? Why am I avoiding the use of pronouns? What am I doing with my life? Reading comic book 'reviews' on the internet? I should be pursuing my dreams and desires! Why am I such a horrible failure? Maybe I can at least disappear into the unthinking pleasures of a self-induced orgasm to suspend, for even the merest of moments, the crushing weight of choices that have left me paralyzed and unable to live any semblance of an adult life!" Come on. You know that's what you were thinking!
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