Sunday, July 17, 2016

Wonder Woman #2

DC Comics is obsessed with rebirths, infinities, and year ones. Years one? Fuck English.

The Review!
It's wit a heavy heart that I say goodbye to the Finch Era of Wonder Woman and reluctantly welcome in the Greg Rucka Era. It's not that I don't like well-written Wonder Woman stories that aren't constantly accidentally sexist! But I definitely like commenting on mediocre Wonder Woman stories that can't stop being sexist no matter how hard they try to feminist! I'm like a kid in a candy store that is also full of porn when I get to comment on those kinds of comic books. And the Finches were like a piƱata that I could keep hitting over and over again and it wouldn't stop dropping treats! Now I have to put up with stories that are thoughtful and philosophical and insightful! Blech! Those aren't any fun to write about! Sure, I get to say things like "Nicola Scott's art is the opposite of crows feasting on one's eyes" and "Greg Rucka's story is full of emotional weight, I think. Emotions aren't the things that make your anal sphincter clench up and your dick hard, are they? If they are, Greg Rucka's story doesn't have any of that. His stories are full of the other stuff that makes your eyes go blurry and your heart feel like its full of kittens." I don't have anything to say about the colorist or the letterer because I'm not a big phony who only includes those things in my review because that's what people do in comic book reviews. "Oh, the lettering was totally readable!" Bah! Fuck you, Jodi Wynne! So you can pick out nice fonts and fit the word balloons in unobtrusive places! La dee da!

The Commentary!
So the odd issues of Wonder Woman have to do with her in the present trying to figure out why her life is so fucked up (Hint: the editors at DC Comics never really know what they're doing and so they panic every five to ten years and blow up their shit). But the even issues are about Wonder Woman's past and how she came to leave Paradise Island (Hint: it wasn't because of a serpent. Although a man's penis is often compared to a serpent. So maybe it was because of a serpent). How is Greg Rucka going to turn his Wonder Woman Year One into a huge epic when I can summarize it in one sentence: Wonder Woman gives up paradise for cock. Now that I've typed that and reread it a few times and fantasized about Wonder Woman wanting my cock, I'm suspecting that maybe my synopsis isn't entirely accurate and possibly a little bit vulgar. So maybe I should just trust Rucka to make Wonder Woman's story seem less sexist than I did.

After the first scene, I'm not so sure Mister Rucka is going to convince me that he isn't writing a sexist story. I suppose that's because I'm reading it through my own sexist lenses. I knew I should have purchased glasses at a store other than MisogynyCrafters. I'll give an example of my problem!

When I read this, all I can think is, "She's talking about getting laid! With a penis!" I guess that isn't Mister Rucka's fault that I can't engage this comic book philosophically!

If I were to write Wonder Woman's Year One story, it would be all about her wondering what the mythical men are like and how amazing sex with one must be. She'd know all about male anatomy and how children are usually made. She'd know about the kinds of birds and bees that result in offspring and she'd constantly fantasize about how great an act that can create life must feel. Of course she's already have had many, many orgasms, both self-induced and orally induced and digitally induced and toy induced. But because she was denied penis, she would grow up thinking that all of the other orgasm inducing acts were just pale imitations of sex leading to conception. The appearance of Steve Trevor would tempt her more and drive her wild with lust. And then she'd leave the island to have sex with him (because he'd be dying on the island and sex with a dying person is no fun and can even lead to accidentally having sex with a corpse). Finally, she would slip a penis inside of her! And Steve Trevor would come nearly instantly and completely disappoint her. And now she's stuck in the real world surrounded by scads and scads of disappointing dick, realizing that all of the other methods of achieving orgasm were actually the center around which copulation merely orbits.

Or, you know, you could have a Wonder Woman story that doesn't even consider Diana as a sexually curious being. Maybe she's just plain curious of the world outside of Paradise Island! Now if only I could read this comic book with that in mind! It should be easier now that I've indulged my Wonder Woman Year One Coming of Age story.

Diana's friend Kasia tries to convince Wonder Woman that the world beyond Paradise Island is full of disappointing, violent, awful men who treat women as sexual objects and nothing more. I would like to argue with her but I think I already proved her point.

Meanwhile in the real world, the penises practice with their penises.

A few scenes compare the lives of Steve and Diana as they go about their regular routines, Diana's as an Amazon and Steve's as a soldier. Both are shown to be missing something that their daily lives isn't providing for them but they're not so much outsiders that they don't enjoy the company of their friends and compatriots. They both seem to feel somewhat imprisoned by their lives. But only in a small ways and tiny doses! Overall, they both seem upbeat and happy and enjoy what they can from their daily lives.

One day while Diana is out racing her horse about the island, she discovers a tree she's never seen before and decides to investigate.

Ahh! A penis! I mean serpent!

Well, that does it! Diana now has knowledge of all good and evil! Or she's been poisoned. I think they're basically the same thing.

Diana's sisters and friends and lovers find her lying delirious in the field as a god watches from a tree branch. The serpent and the grizzled tree have disappeared. I wonder if the tree was Zeus and the serpent was his penis?

Diana does learn that the tree and the serpent and the stupid owl were all definitely messages from the gods but probably not the message about Zeus wanting to have sex with everything. Instead it was probably a message about Diana's need to leave Paradise although it's strange for Greek Gods to use Christian symbols.

The issue ends with Steve's world colliding with Diana's world a little more literally than Steve and his army buddies would have liked. Especially since everybody but Steve dies. Oh! Maybe the whole serpent message was that there would be a serpent entering Paradise soon and it would cause Diana to be expelled. The serpent is Steve's penis! Or just Steve. It was a prophetic fantasy that almost killed Diana!

The Amazons find Stever Trevor is the only survivor when he touches Diana's foot and she blushes like crazy and probably pees herself a little bit.

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