Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Superman #3


I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Last issue, the Smith family discovered that their son Jon could suffer from concussions. Clark probably implied that it was caused by Lois's weak genes and then Lois was all, "Well at least he doesn't suffer from severe Kryptonite allergies that could kill him because of me!" This issue, they've taken a trip up to the Fortress of Solitude to run tests on Jon. While there, Superman discovers a strange person in a Superman outfit petting Krypto. So Superman says, "Hi! You must be a guest of Supergirl's since Superman left this place to her! I'm her cousin...sort of...and I've come to use some of her gadgets. My name is Clark. What's your?" No! Just kidding! Superman punches the guy in the face!


If somebody was punching me in the face because I looked like somebody who made them that angry, I'd probably deny being that person in the hopes that they would stop.

The Eradicator is claiming that he can save Krypton which is as bad an argument to get Superman to stop punching him as claiming that he is, indeed, the Eradicator. Krypton is gone, man! Let it go! Remember the last time somebody tried to bring Krypton back? You're lucky if you don't because it was a story by Scott Lobdell and it was awful. Pointing out a story by Scott Lobdell is awful probably isn't necessary but I just want to be absolutely clear that Scott Lobdell can't write worth shit. But at least he didn't kill Goldie.

During the fight, Eradicator finally does something that doesn't make Superman more suspicious: he saves Lois and Jon from the shoddy workmanship of the Fortress of Solitude. This is so cliché that I really wish Cat Murderer would have gone with my initial suggestion of having Superman greet Eradicator as if he's a friend of Supergirl's. He knows he's on another Earth and he has experience with dealing with people from other Earths. So why would he automatically assume that somebody who was an asshole on his Earth has to be an asshole on this Earth? Look at this Earth's Superman: total asshole! But Preboot Superman wasn't one at all. Well, at least not until now! Now he's got a case of punch-first-ask-questions-lateritis! Besides, Krypto seemed cool with him when they entered. Doesn't Superman trust his own dog? I mean, a version of his own dog!

After the Kryptonian technology tells Clark and Lois what they already knew from observation--that Jon's body is vacillating from vulnerable to invulnerable--Superman begins the questioning portion of his disease. The line of questioning leads to the discovery that Eradicator is now all about eugenics. He's trying to recreate the perfect race. One way is to have Superman and Supergirl fuck but since they're first cousins, that could lead to all kinds of genetic abnormalities by strengthening recessive genes when what Eradicator wants is strong Kryptonians. So he decides another way to make the master race would be better: obliterate the human DNA from Jon's body without parental consent. The first step of cleansing Jon is to ingest him. Sounds like the bylaws at a NAMBLA convention. During the ingestion process, Cat Murderer and his co-writer, Other Cat Murderer, decide to double down on their dead pet plot points.


Fucking dicks!

Now, I know Krypto isn't really dead. I mean, I'm pretty sure Krypto isn't really dead. Eradicator was just sucking Jon into him so he could digest the human DNA before spitting Jon back out. Plus, I think Eradicator's mouth is just a portal to the Phantom Zone. So Krypto is just back on familiar territory. He won't be too freaked out because I'm sure a good portion of the Phantom Zone has been marked by his piss.

Superman decides it might be time to go back to the punching part of his sickness since the questions asking part was a huge failure. While a probably confused Eradicator gets beaten to a pulp, Jon sheds more tears for Krypto than he ever shed for Goldie. What a cat killing dick. He also picks up Krypto's cape because it just happens to be a size 8y.

The Review!
What kind of review do you expect me to give this comic book?! It's all about killing pets! Is Tomasi on horse tranquilizers?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Now I've got to go out and register DogsinRefrigerators.com and PetsinRefrigerators.com to go along with KittensinRefrigerators.com. Should I just go ahead and prepare for the future by getting GerbilsinRefrigerators.com and HamstersinRefrigerators.com and ChinchillasinRefrigerators.com and GuineaPigsinRefrigerators.com and BunniesinRefrigerators.com too?! Who is going to continue to read a book about pets dying?! If I wanted to read about pets dying, I would log in to Facebook on a daily basis! Did Tomasi lose a bet with Geoff Johns? Was Tomasi's punishment to write stories that anybody with a heart would completely hate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

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