Friday, July 29, 2016

Detective Comics #937

Republicans are going to be all, "I hate Batman because he cut up a flag!" But they'll also be, "I love Batman because he beats the shit out of thugs! And you know what we mean by thugs! We're the party of racism!"

The Commentary!
I would say that I hope I didn't offend any conservative readers of my blog with that initial caption but I doubt I have any conservative readers. Also, I don't care about offending them. If a person can't see how Reagan's tax cuts led directly to the destruction of the middle class, that person isn't worth a moment of my time. If a person doesn't think everybody deserves health care simply because they won't be able to cut in line for their heart transplant they need because they ate too much blended goose liver, they're not worth acknowledging as human beings let alone Christians (which they probably think they are and the only reason I mention it. What the fuck do I care if somebody is a Christian?). If a person is annoyed that I'm painting Republicans with a wide brush and they've now gotten some paint on themselves, they should probably think about the people they've with whom they've allied and whether or not their vision of America is the one moving into the future or the one pouting in Time Out because they refuse to not be fucking dicks. What the fuck do I care if I offend them? It's not like they're going to support my Patreon anyway. I mean, even liberals won't do that! And they pretend to care about art!

Yes, this is art, asshole! What more do I need to do? Shit on a picture of the Virgin Mary?!

The issue begins with some of Colonel Kane's Batmen inventorying Batman's utility belt. This is a perfect chance for some really good sex jokes! "Item 40: Stank ass Bat Ben Wa Balls. Item 41: Metal rod for sounding. Item 42: Bigger metal rod for sounding. Item 43: Even bigger metal rod for sounding." Instead they just find the normal stuff: laser cutters, rebreathers, lockpicks, Kryptonite, gerbils. I don't know how he fits it all in that belt! Although the bigger mystery is why does he even need a belt anyway. It's not like he wears pants.

The Batmen find a piece of Kryptonite in Batman's bat belt and now I'm wondering how he could have even conceived Damian with that hanging around his testicles. I knew Talia was fucking lying! Damian's real father is probably Java.

Batman is currently hanging about in some kind of high tech pillory device.

The General? Is that why Colonel Kane started his own army? To give himself a promotion?

Batman spits out his Smoke Screen Tooth which is something I didn't know he had. Then he pulls his extra Batarangs out of their special hiding place. You can probably guess the hiding place if you knew the definition of "sounding." And just like that, Batman escapes his prison! But before he knocks out both guards, he leans he's being held in "The Cave." Christ. Leave it to the military to rename something to make it even more boring.

Batman makes it to the main part of the cave and looks down on at least seventy infringements on his trademarks. Also hanging from the ceiling is an obvious American flag knockoff. Why so many red and white stripes?! And why is the first stripe under the blue field of white stars red?! I'm not even a Republican and I think this is a gross injustice! Mostly because it's so easy to type "flag of United States" into Google Images for a reference! This is just lazy!

Meanwhile, Batwoman and the Batkids have begun their first live action exercise in the field. Is that a thing military people say? I bet I fucked it all up, right? I suppose I could ask Lord Google but what am I? Not lazy and not a hypocrite?! Yeah, right!

Suddenly they're attacked by Doomsday! No, wait. That's just the Snickers advertisement. Never mind.

So the first subway system was built hundreds of feet underground? What a pain in the ass to walk down the stairs to that!

Rather than rebuilding a completely new subway system, wouldn't it be cheaper to order smaller subway trains? It has to be cheaper than building a new subway line! Also, don't you think they would have figured out the tunnels were too small almost immediately? Do you actually finish an entire system before ever putting a car on the tracks? Once again, I suppose I could research building subway tunnels! But I'd rather just rely on believing that they would have some kind of trains on the tracks to transfer materials further down the lines. And wouldn't somebody working the job probably have some experience building subways in other cities? And wouldn't that person maybe notice the railed cars used to deliver supplies to build further down the tunnel didn't fit quite like they usually did? And wouldn' know what? I just remembered I'm reading a comic book! I think I'm supposed to just think, "Holy shit! What an awesome idea! A Bat-Subway! Fuck yeah, motherfuckers! CHOO CHOO!"

So I guess Tim Drake is so smart that he skipped right past building model trains into building hypothetical rail gun trains. Did he do it all himself? I'm not sure I'd trust a train built by a 16 year old who doesn't sleep (his own words!). Take a nap and get back to me, asshole.

Tim did manage to figure out where The Cave was by being a genius though, so I can't be too rough on the little squirt. Plus he's fucking Spoiler. Way to go, brah! This is the part where I high five somebody else with a penis and we both pretend that we have big, mighty penises and have never cried over a girl before.

Back at The Cave, Batman notices some articles about Batman being seen around the world. How the hell did his Bat-computer not alert him to these sighting prior to this? Batman just hasn't been himself since the dionysium healed all of his childhood trauma! I'm not sure he cares about justice as much as he used to. There's only one way to get him back on track: let him have sex with Batgirl and then let the Joker cripple and rape her. I can't see any way around it! He needs to seriously suffer and what better way than by making Batgirl suffer, first through the betrayal of a parental figure pursuing a sexual relationship with her, and then through the trauma of answering the door and finding a fucking clown standing there. Oh, also the gunshot and the probable rape. That shit will really hurt Batman bad!

While wandering about The Cave, Batman takes down an IT dork and begins trying to extract information from the nerd.

An army of Batmen?! Trademark infringement #71!

This guy is yet another teenage genius. Every time DC Comics introduces another teenager who is a "genius" and can do incredible things that nobody could ever possibly do, I just picture a million hands reaching out from DC Headquarters to masturbate every teen reader in the world.

Odysseus here tells Batman that this Batmen Army Project has been going on for over two years. Too bad Batman was so busy building playgrounds for the underprivileged Gotham kids. Now he's got a huge mess to clean up because these are real soldiers killing real enemies all under the name of the Batman. Shit, Batman is going to get so rich from the lawsuit.

Odysseus stalls long enough for Colonel Kane (Uncle Jake to Batman!) to arrive and have a family meeting with Batman.

The League of Shadows sounds an awful lot like the Court of Owls!

Before Batman can be shot in the head, Batwoman and the Batkids arrive to save the day! Except the day will have to wait to be saved for two weeks because that's the end of the issue.

The Review!
Aside from the League of Shadows idea being a nearly exact replica of the Court of Owls idea, I'm being entertained by this comic book. Also aside from the sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the other sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the name of this issue being "The Great Escape" and yet nobody escaped. I think those are my only issues with the story. Maybe the whole Bat-subway explanation too. But other than that, the two pages that didn't have any of that stuff on them were great!

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