Monday, July 4, 2016

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #1

Two girls with red eyes? What are the odds?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm going back to Bullet Points and Summations for any non-Rebirth books I read because I have to get this shit out of the stack already. The Universe is different, comic books! Let's move it along already!

• I don't know anything about the Lumberjanes but I'm assuming they cut down trees, eat regular meals, and go to the bathroom on a regular basis.

• I do know about the kids of Gotham Academy. They like pizza and solving mysteries and kissing secretly in closets wondering if they should experiment with finger banging.

• The term "finger banging" is one of my favorite terms because it's so awkwardly childish and aggressive and should never actually be used by a mature person in any context other than using it because it's so fucking ridiculous. FINGER BANG!

• I don't read Lumberjanes simply because I don't read a lot of books maybe I would be choosing to read if I wasn't reading all of these DC Comic books that matter less and less to the zeitgeist as time goes by and they continue to let Zack Snyder ruin their movies. I read Blue Monday a long time ago and remember enjoying it so I'd probably enjoy Lumberjanes too.

• Remember how Alfred Hitchcock always made sure to get a cameo in all of his movies? Zack Snyder does the same thing except his cameos are all just piles of his own feces.

Exhibit Gross.

• The Pizza Club stumble upon a missing person's case that they shouldn't get involved in and decide to get involved. Olive finds some trash at the scene of MacPherson's disappearance and says, "A clue! I found a clue!" The other members of the club accept Olive's gut instincts and wildly insane assumptions as gospel and follow her into the woods. They must all want to finger bang her pretty badly (the "pretty badly" is ambiguous here because I'm betting none of them have much finger banging experience).

• The Lumberjanes badger their scout leader into letting them help find somebody called Rosie who has been mauled by a Bigfoot. Maybe. How about I just assume she's missing, like MacPherson, and may be in trouble?

• In a surprising shock twist, the Lumberjanes and the Pizza Detectives run into each other in the woods! Lots of names I won't remember are thrown about. Finger banging does not yet commence. But soon, I'm sure, because the heterosexual or bisexual or pansexual or super slutty Lumberjanes will probably think Kyle is super cool!

• The Lumberjanes are all eighteen or over, right? Sure they are! Now I don't have to feel weird about my future bullet point where Pomeline teaches Jo about the Shocker.

• Soon after the introductions are made, some devil worshipers appear!

Let the finger-banging commence!

• The important characters escape from the devil worshipers. That means Olive Silverlock and Scout Leader Jen were captured, just in case you had no idea which characters were important to the story being that you're probably not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

• Next issue will probably be about the trauma of finding your scout leader and one of your best friends eviscerated.

• According to the sneak peek at James Tynion IV's new comic book, the trend in independent comic books is to show friends hugging a lot and saying things like "You're cool, my friend!" and "Friends are the super best! Let's hug for twenty pages and maybe say 'Squee!' a few times while we're at it!"

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