Monday, August 10, 2015

The Omega Men #3

Save the princess. Save the...why the fuck is Heroes coming back? That show had enough chances that they blew spectacularly.

Last night, I saw an article entitled "Black and Unarmed" on the front page of The Columbian, a Vancouver, Washington, newspaper. The article was by three writers from the Washington Post which means it was perfect for a Washington paper, I guess. I mention that the article wasn't original to The Columbian only because it makes it unclear which ass-sprites were responsible for the subheading between the article's name and the body of the article. The sub-header went like this: "Since Michael Brown died a year ago, police killings of unarmed people have hit black men disproportionately." And people wonder why print media gets no respect anymore. That statement is, at best, poorly constructed, and at worst, racist and ridiculous. First off, Michael Brown did not simply die. Don't fucking construct a passive sentence out of somebody who was murdered. At the very least, if The Columbian (or the Post! Who the fuck knows when one paper relies on articles by other papers to fill space!?) thought the word "murdered" was too controversial for their audience, they should have said he was killed. And the rest of the statement is just preposterous. "Police killings of unarmed people" should not be a casual statement followed by who the killings are "hitting" disproportionately. How about making that proportion zero to zero? Also, stating it as if police have only begun killing more unarmed black men since Michael Brown's departure from the mortal coil suggests that it was Michael Brown's decicion to stop living that has caused the uptick in black men's deaths at the hands of police officers. I'm pretty sure that before Michael Brown's cute naptime shenanigans, police killings of unarmed people was a perfectly proportionate pie chart of black men, white women, Hispanic babies, and Japanese diplomats. A year and a day ago, the header probably would have read "Police killings of unarmed people have hit white men disproportionately," and I mean the good kind of disproportionately in that case!

The media is full of assholes and idiots and failed writers who somehow still consider themselves writers when they're really just glory-holes for their corporate erections.

Enough of Earth propaganda, let's see some of the Citadel's now! I'm more willing to believe The Citadel's propaganda though because those Omega Men are horrible terrorist monsters. Just like the propaganda says!

The issue begins by making sure the reader knows the Princess of Euphorix is a mean jerk with delusions of kindness.

Speaking of mean jerks with delusions of kindness, why did The Beast's curse end when somebody else could learn to love his hideousness? Belle did all the work! I guess somebody loving you is proof that you're, ultimately, not a monster and must have exhibited enough decently shallow traits to fool the other person into sucking your monstrous cock. Not that Belle did that! She's a Disney princess! They only do weird things like shack up with Dwarves and use mice as Ben Wa balls in an innocent and non-sexual fashion.

The Princess is on the planet of Euphorix because The Omega Men had to leave Ogyptu in a hurry. I think leaving Ogyptu is supposed to make them like Moses or something. Now they're going to wander the Vega System for forty years before finally returning to their homeland which will be The Citadel's headquarters. I can't wait for Issue #480 to read about it!

Come to think of it, The Omega Men could use another woman on the team. And I'm disliking this Princess as much as those other terrorist scumbags, so she should fit right in! Plus her name seems to be "Princess" and she's a princess! She's perfect for the team.

The Princess has no love for The Citadel. They transported her and her people to the Vega System and stuck them on Euphorix where her father became king. The earlier scenes showing her trying to be kind in the only way she knows how and trying to erode her vanity even in the face of sycophantic servants suggests that she isn't in any way at fault for being part of these colonial oppressors of Euphorix. She began training in swordplay when she was six which means she's been inculcated to believe a bunch of crappy things. I bet The Omega Men will help her to become a better person and a great big fat terrorist to boot!


Tigorr has come to save the Princess. This must be the eighth castle he's stormed! Unless he cheated and used a warp. I used to be able to beat the arcade Super Mario Bros. on one quarter without using warps. I spent a lot of my teenage years in a 7-11! My first year of college, I mastered the Willow game and could play it to the end on one quarter as well. My social life rocked and rolled.

The Princess and Tigorr battle across two pages and then the Princess tells a joke and I fall in love with her. Unless I fell in love with Tigorr. Maybe I'm just into them both and only when they're together and bleeding? Lust is weird.

The Princess stabs Tigorr through the neck and he collapses. Doctor Robot is going to have more neck surgery in his future! Well, well, well, Tigorr will be feeling fine. But first The Omega Men need to rescue him from The Princess. The next challenger is Snark. Was that her name? Snark? Or was it Scrappy Doo? I can't remember.

To get to the battlefield, Broot and Scrapps invent this move where the big one throws the smaller one! They should come up with a name for that move! Like the Catapult Special or something.

Scrapps shoots down Princess Kalista (we should just call her "Princess" since what does a "Kalista" do? That name doesn't fit the mold of The Omega Men!) while Princess throws her sword and takes out Scrapps. I hope Doctor Robot has prepared enough LSD for this many patients. The Princess's guards rush in but so do Broot and Primus, so everything works out in the end for somebody. The good guys, I think? Or are they terrorists?! I'm just so torn! I don't know who I'm supposed to root for! Although I guess I should root for whoever's side the Princess joins because she swoons my nether regions.

I have an idea for a new Birds of Prey comic book! Scrapps, Maps, Vampire Tig, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! Is that how you pitch a comic book to DC? You just list characters you want to use? Sometimes it seems that way, amirite?

Doctor Robot fixes everyone up so nobody will have to go without cereal tomorrow morning. The Princess is thrown in the brig with Kyle. That's where members of the Omega Men who don't realize they want to be members yet have to sleep. Princess and Kyle have a conversation. It's a really cute conversation. It's one that I'd usually scan and then ruin with a stupid comment. Instead I'm just going to say that the conversation is worth the price of the comic book. And even if it wasn't, you still get all the other great stuff that makes this comic book worth more than the price of the comic book.

After the Princess and Kyle begin to become friends, Primus calls for The Princess so they can have sexual relations. Don't worry, the sexual relations are her idea.

This scene needs less Primus and more Scrapps.

I need to use the term "vulgar" more often! This is why people don't recognize the heroic work I'm doing here! They don't notice the sublime beauty of my thoughts or the terrible justice of my words or the generosity of...well, maybe I'm not that generous in any kind of way at all. But it's because I'm so horribly vulgar! I'm written off as an uncouth, unsubtle, probably misogynist and very possibly racist scumbag! But it's just because everything about my writing is a vulgar fog hiding from most readers the shining light on the hill which my intellect truly is! The poor saps!

The Omega Men #3 Raring: +1 Ranking. Tom King is appropriately named because he is the current Uncle Tom of comics. I mean King! He's the King of Comics! Stupid fingers! Stop listening to the part of my brain that loves whim!

No comments:

Post a Comment