Friday, August 21, 2015

Bombshells #1

I'm already viewing this material inappropriately.

I will be referring to DC Comics' new comic book, "DC Comics Bombshells," as just "Bombshells" because DC Comic's DC Comics Bombshells sounds stupid. Although when Marvel comes out with their Marvel Bombshells, I will be sure to differentiate between the two so as not to confuse all the horny bastards reading this comic book.

Let me try to explain feminism's biggest hurdle in a way that doesn't make me sound like the misogynist I probably am! No matter how feminist a woman's presentation of ideas might be, no matter how the source engages the mind and logically points to the benefits of feminism to everybody in the patriarchy, no matter how threatening and scary the source material is toward those who have chosen not to see women as equal individuals within our society, no matter any possible thing at all which you can think of, some guy is still standing off to the side thinking about how he wants to fuck the woman engaging the audience. Like the ever present Eye of Sauron, the Male Gaze sees all, sexualizing and objectifying as it sweeps past.

Of course, these women in this comic book are supposed to be sexy. They are, after all, bombshells. Which means they're so sexy they will explode your pants.

The issue begins like this and now everything I read and say for the rest of the week will come out sounding like an overenthusiastic newsreel speaker who sounds like he's coming down off of a major methamphetamine bender delivered via helium balloon.

So instead of Bruce discovering the pain and grief of losing his parents in a mugging turned to murder, he discovers boners and masturbation. I have a feeling he's going to turn into a super hero with a seriously inappropriate nickname.

It's quite clever, isn't it? I don't mean that sarcastically the way I usually mean "It's quite clever" sarcastically. I really mean it this time! World War II. Bombshells. Women's baseball. Batwoman but with a baseball bat instead of a flying rat bat! It's the kind of clever that makes you think, "Why is my life such a fucking trainwreck of stupidity and lewd nonsense?" It's probably best you don't try to answer that question, especially as you get older because soon you'll have more stupidity and lewd nonsense in your past then you'll know how to cope with.

The women on the Gotham all-female baseball team wear masks because some guys who don't like having boners are against women in short skirts playing baseball. I was just about to type up another thought when I simply typed "butt" after typing that last sentence. My brain and fingers are rebelling! Sorry, fellas! We wasted the entire day doing nothing and now we have to write commentaries. The butts will have to wait.

Oh no! A gang of criminals are robbing the people in the cheap seats! They might make off with a buck forty-two if somebody doesn't stop them!

Rich people apparently used to love to go to fictional Gotham Knights games in 1940 because the criminals stuff their sack full of bills as opposed to nickels and dimes like I would have expected. And they would have been happy to have those nickels and dimes! That shit was like gold hundreds of years ago in the 1940s.

That last sentence was for readers of the future! I hope you're all fucking sweltering under a toxic sky full of ozone and carbon dioxide, you still living assholes! I'm so envious!

I think this is sexist because it portrays Batwoman as a woman who doesn't know the difference between home plate and the other bases. Unless it was Marguerite Sauvage who didn't know that. Or maybe it was Marguerite Bennett who wrote this scene imagining that home plate was something a person could just pick up and throw at criminals like this base which Batwoman does pick up which isn't home and thus ruins the effectiveness of her one-liner. That criminal nailed his retort with that "broad" quip though! Zing!

I just realized that by doing a commentary on this comic book, it's like I'm literally walking through a minefield! I mean, not literally literally! More figuratively literally but with a really close association between the name of the comic book (Bombshells!) and the mines in a minefield! Because bombshells have bombs in them and minefields are full of bombs and I'm going to step on at least five or six sexist comments before I'm done with this thing.

I think you'd better open up a bit more free time because, as I proved earlier, your insults are a bit off the mark. They're like curve balls!

This is probably a sexist statement so just skip the rest of this short paragraph if you're the type of person who wants to ruin somebody's life because they say something sexist. Although it might also be an empowering statement exuding feminist ideals as well! The line between sexist and empowering is often so hard for me to see! I mean, is Batwoman being empowering or is she being sexualized? It feels empowering to me but my boner says otherwise! Wait! That wasn't the sexist statement I meant to type! That was me just rambling! Here's what I was going to say: I find baseball really fucking boring but if it were being played by females only, I think I'd give it another chance.

Batwoman and her girls tie up the bad men and shove baseballs into their mouths. Is that how ball gags were invented? Is "is that how ball gags were invented" a ball gag?! Get it?! Ha ha! I've had plenty of free time to think these up!

Maggie Sawyer stops by with half the GCPD so the Gotham Knights skedaddle since I guess it's illegal to play baseball and catch criminals at the same time. Maggie Sawyer is all, "Look at my fantastic forties hair-do! Why did this go out of fashion? And the clothes! Everybody was so dapper!"

Oh Kate! Looking gorgeous and a Hemingway put-down to boot?! The last thing I need is to fall in love with a fictional lesbian!

Later Mags and Kates shower together. But it happens off-panel so I'm able to keep reading without needing a, well, um, "bathroom break." The next scene does have them sleeping in bed in sexy nightgowns but it in no way makes up for cutting the shower scene. What does make up for cutting the shower scene, though, is the appearance of a new character landing a plane on the roof of their apartment.

Yes! Best comic ever outside of the DC Youniverse's main continuity (which is currently pretty flimsy itself)!

This story was fun and evocative and beautifully drawn! I suppose I should also say that the lettering did not distract from the story (although the font was a smidgen too small) and the coloring helped the art to leap off of the page! I don't want to hurt the feelings of the letterer and the colorist although I might have already hurt the colorist's feelings when I said Sauvage might not know certain details about baseball. This is the type of story that should comprise fifty percent of comic books on a yearly basis. This is the kind of comic book story that people shouldn't have to see as being feminist because it should just be one of any number of stories led by women because some stories are that way and some stories are the other way. This story was smart and engaging and adorable and it's only the first of three in this comic book! Yowzers! I don't know if I can handle two more like it!

The next story takes place in the same year but the location is off the coast of Greece. You all know what that means! Insert sodomy joke here for some reason! Why is Greece always portrayed as the place where men engage, liberally, in butt-stuff? Back in Richard F. Burton's day in the Middle East, the Persians were thought of as the guys who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp and the ram in the rama lama ding dong. Also, the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop and the dip in the dip da dip da dip. Maybe Middle Easterners still think that way while Westerners think the thing about Greece. Personally, I don't get it. If they like butt play, more power to them! Stop being such prudes, America!

After an introduction to Steve Trevor and his obsession with Wagner, he crashes his plane and awakens washed up on the shores of Paradise Island to become a prisoner of Wonder Woman. I expended all of my words on the Batwoman story so we'll have to cut this one short and say that it ends with Steve Trevor's plane singing as it sinks to the bottom of the ocean where a huge eye looks at it. I think.

The final story takes place in Moscow because Supergirl would be so sexy with a Russian accent. That was probably the whole reasoning behind having her raised by Russians.

Does Kara not know she's a super hero yet? Maybe her powers don't kick in until she deep kisses another woman! Or has her first orgasm! No, if it's that one, she's not going to be Supergirl for another fifteen years! I don't think women had yet discovered orgasms in 1940.

A guy hits on Kara and points out that his fingers can do wondrous things. Like tie a perfect bow? Or play a harp? I think he must mean something more vulgar because Kara flicks him in the head and gives him irreparable brain damage. Afterward, she and her buddy Kortni Stargirlikov head off to the airfield to get their flying assignments.

Amanda and Kate are also at the airfield on a mission for Task Force XX. But they're not part of this story yet! They still haven't even made it to this point in their own story! So that will have to wait until next month. Until then, Kortni needs to blow up in an airplane which just seems a bit, um, inappropriate? No?

Kara saves her friend and the two planes and lands among the other Night Witches. But having super powers is against the law in a Communist nation unless you can share your powers with everybody else. So Lady Nightwitch tells the other Night Witches to arrest Kara and Kortni and throw them in a gulag where they'll probably just break out considering the demonstration of power everybody just witnessed.

Bombshells #1 Rating: I purchase comic books mostly to be entertained. I suppose I also purchase them to distract me from the dark gulf of non-existence coming ever closer, snorting and shuffling and breathing its hot bull breath on the back of my neck, day after ever-quickening day! This comic book did both in spades! I hardly once thought about the cold dark of the grave while enjoying the stories contained within the comic book's pages. The setting may be over fifty years older than the majority of the people reading the book but it translates well while not losing any of the feeling and sensibility of the time evoked through its more than competent words and its nearly flawless art. If this comic book were the broad it's pretending to be, I would totally stare at her from afar and wish I could have sex with her while knowing full well that I am not, nor would ever be, worthy of her notice. I would even know better than to go back to staring at her after she caught me looking once or twice because compared to her, I'm a disgusting, loathsome beast not fit to experience the same light waves reflected off of her own eyes. I would sully her simply by making eye contact! I'm so gross and horrendous!

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