At least this Variant Cover allowed me to forget about The Darkseid War for awhile.
This issue begins with Kalibak beating dogs to death, probably because he was humiliated by Titus in Batman and Robin. He probably has a separate chamber full of cows where he goes to shit on the floor so that they slip and fall on his dung. He probably isn't torturing cats because he's too stupid to realize that Alfred Pennyworth the Cat masterminded the entire Animal Defense Initiative in the Batcave that caused Kalibak so much trouble while trying to beat up a ten year old. When I type it all out, it seems like Kalibak had a really tough and embarrassing year.
You just lost yourself a job, buddy! Believe me, I know! "For Kentucky Fried Chicken." "For Tess!" "For Repo Depo." "For Tess." "For Sidemark." "For Tess." "For Netscape." "For Tess." "For Gallup." "For Tess." "For Ellington Leather." "For Tess." "For Academic Book Center." "For Tess." "For Tess!" "Damn straight 'For Tess!'"
Everybody tries to cajole Batman down from the Batchair but Batman doesn't fall for any of their petty attempts to steal his Batchair. He's a god now and he'll be damned if anybody expects him to thank them profusely after forcibly yanking him from the chair after which he'll claim that no man should have that much knowledge. Then he'll point out to Diana that the Batchair taught him a way to make a woman come spectacularly by just the use of his tongue and her asshole.
Meanwhile Superman and Lex Luthor explore Apokolips where they were sent by Luthor's traitorous and Darkseid loving sister.
Whew. Good thing there isn't any lead! Proceed.
The Batchair helps Batman explain some of the plot to The Darkseid War to the other Justice League members. Now they know that Grail is an Amazon, that her mother is Myrina Black, and that her father is Darkseid. They also learn another thing.
Go back to shutting the fuck up, Billy.
Back on Apokolips, Geoff Johns gives an example of European film versus American film.
In the European version of the film, we get this perfect moment with just the right amount said. The reader gets it. Lex would never have finished his sentence with "human."
But the American version always assumes the audience needs everything completely spelled out for them. That first panel said it all. It was enough. But the American version always adds just a little bit more to be sure it's understood by the apparently goofy yokels buying the tickets.
I was curious as to the name of the remake since I sincerely couldn't remember it. It was Let Me In. Jesus Christ, America. Anyway, I glanced through the Wikipedia to see what negative things critics had to say about the remake since everybody seemed to generally really like it (and I'd agree if Let the Right One In didn't already fucking exist). Here's what Beth Accomando wrote about Let Me In: "[It] makes obvious all that the original film made subtle and does so with less complexity." I quote her here because she's a genius saying exactly the same thing I've been saying about the film. Good job on being a total genius, Beth!
The Titans...I mean, The Justice League arrive at the Anti-Monitor's side just as Darkseid and Kalibak and Steppenwolf and thousands of Parademons arrive too. Fight! Fight! Fight!
As opposed to the queer of Messina? Ha!
Wonder Woman thinks about how Odysseus chose which monster to sail past since he couldn't avoid them both. She says his story doesn't matter and that sometimes no matter what choice you make, you lose. But she also mentions that six of his men died while sailing past. Being that the choice was to sail his boat directly into a whirlpool of teeth where everybody would have died or sailing it past a monster with only six mouths, I'd say the choice was obvious and that Odysseus and all but six of his men made the right choice and won! So if that's her analogy, the Justice League had better figure out which one of these cosmic assholes represents Scissors and choose that one as the less dangerous opponent to back in the fight.
So that fight is about to begin next issue. All that's left of this issue is to see Superman's cells charged by the pits of Apokolips.
Who knew solar energy could have an "evil" charge?!