Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Bizarro #3

This issue would have sold more copies if Chastity Hex were on the cover.

Me am not review this book later. Ha ha! GET IT?! I was typing like Bizarro! Ha ha! I just wish I were imaginative enough to keep that up throughout the review. It would be so hilarious I'd probably get a job writing sitcoms for CBS! I think I could write for Mike and Molly! Hey CBS! Read this pitch that you'll probably find when you Google "CBS" to see what everybody is talking about!

Mike: "Hello, Molly! I am doing this thing that everybody does but it is funny because I am so grossly overweight!"
Molly: "Oh Mike! Let me help you because it is even funnier when two overweight people do the thing that people do every day without any trouble at all!"
Mike: "Did we do a joke yet where I mention how much I love food?"
Molly: "Yes, that was the first fifteen minutes of the show. Remember when your African American partner was making all of those fat jokes at your expense because he's allowed to make them because you two are such good friends?"
Mike: "Oh yeah! He is my nigga."
Molly: "MIKE! You can't say that!"
Mike: "But he's my friend and he calls me fat all of the time. Is it not the gentle ribbing between good police friends?"
Molly: "I cannot believe I let you put your penis inside of my vagina, you racist."
Mike: "I am not a racist. I am a cop from Chicago."
Laugh Track: Ten minutes of canned laughter.

So do I get the job or not, CBS? Maybe I should write a scene for The Big Bang Theory too. Just in case!

David: "When are we going to play Halo?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "You know we do not play Halo anymore, David. Remember how angry you were that they changed the Battle Rifle to the DMR in Halo Reach and how you just couldn't figure out the special abilities so you'd often quit in complete nerd rage?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
David: "Oh right. Remember when The Flash ran on his cosmic treadmill and found that alternate Earth?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "Of course I do. Everybody remembers that. They also remember when The Joker beat Robin to death with a crowbar and when Katana gave Halo a kitten."
Laugh Track: Laughter.
David: "We should have an argument about the rules of the apartment now before Penny comes in and makes judging faces at us."
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "Bazinga!"
Laugh Track: Canned laughter until the show ends and Chuck Lorre puts up some quote about his butt hurting.

Now do I have a job? Maybe one more scene! This is for the new version of The Odd Couple. I hope that show is also on CBS since I've never seen it.

Chandler: "I am so different than you!"
The Other Guy: "It is causing so much strain on our relationship!"
Chandler: "If only we were more alike!"
The Other Guy: "Is our show not funny or did those nerds break the Laugh Track again?"
Chandler: "You said 'again'! Nice touch!"
The Other Guy: "I wish you were dead."

Now that I'll probably be spending a lot of time working on scripts for CBS, I imagine this Bizarro Review will be one of my last. I just won't have time to read comic books when I'm scripting America's funniest sitcoms!

The first page of the issue is nearly identical to the cover except the characters do not have weapons and Chastity Hex was allowed to join the group for the photo op. Her face isn't as hideous as her name would suggest. Not the Chastity part! That part suggests that her face is hardly ever looked at because she's probably dancing naked.

Jimmy, Bizarro, and Bizarro's cock have found themselves in an actual ghost town where the ghost part of the name is both descriptive of a town that was abandoned and also of the residents living in the town. Either they're all actual ghosts or a whole lot of seedy real estate speculators are trying to scare each other off so they can buy up the property at pennies on the dollar.

All a woman really wants is for a guy to stop farting.

Chastity Hex is bounty hunting some guy named Jeremiah Blackhearse who is not a ghost even though his name sounds like he's been dead for one hundred and fifty years. Jimmy Olsen and Bizarro find him first which means Jimmy Olsen can snap some pictures of him as he gets away. And Bizarro can yell, "He am staying right here slowly!"

After Jeremiah gets away like I pointed out he would not two sentences ago, a ghost outlaw named El Papagayo rides into town with his gang and his parrot. So that shouldn't cause any trouble, right? As living beings, Jimmy and Bizarro can just ignore them and get on with their business. Most of that business is Jimmy trying to get into Chastity's pants because he isn't paying attention to her name. This is a comic book and names are meaningful! Although sometimes names are opposite, like when you call a tall guy Shorty or a fat guy Slim. So Chastity might be a great big whore!

Yes, please! More kisses on my bloodpumper!

Bizarro tries to battle Papagayo but finds it impossible because he doesn't own a Proton Pack. But Papagayo has a whole stable of ghost tricks to try and eventually possesses Bizarro. At least it allows Bizarro to speak normally for awhile.

Papazarro recognizes the name of Hex and figures it should be fun to wipe out any relation of Jonah Hex. Jimmy figures he should call Superman but realizes his Cracker Jacks' Superman Alert Bracelet was stolen a few days ago when he met The Riddler. I guess that means Jimmy will have to remind Bizarro how they're worstest friends ever so that Bizarro will regain control of his body with the power of friendship.

I'm only half Spanish and I know how to conjugate better than stupid Papagayo.

In my tenth grade Spanish class, we had to give an oral report that described our hobbies and aspirations. When I got to my aspiration, the conversation with my teacher Mr. Edwards went something like this:

Me: "Yo quiero dominar todo el mundo."
Mr. Edwards: "¿Como Hitler?"
Me: "¡No! Como Napoleon."
Mr. Edwards: "¿Qué diferencia?"
Me: "¡Más diferencia!"

I didn't know enough Spanish to defend Napoleon's campaign to conquer the world. I'm not sure I know enough English to defend it! But it sounded better than being compared to Hitler!

Jimmy Olsen blows the bugle hanging on the wall of the Brass Bugle Saloon and the ghosts of J. Jonah Hex and Cinnamon and Bat Lash and some other Western DC heroes come riding into town to destroy the ghost of Papagayo! Apparently J. Jonah Hex has a Proton Pack because he sucks the ghost of Papagayo right out of Bizarro's head and hauls him off to ghost jail, earning himself ten thousand ghost bucks in the process.

Chastity Hex hitches a ride with Jimmy and Bizarro as they head into Branson to drop off Jeremiah Blackhearse (who they caught at the end through silly shenanigans) and claim the bounty. Also in Branson? Zatanna! More sexy ladies for Jimmy Olsen to work his barely functioning charm on!

Bizarro #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. Jonah Hex was in this issue so you know it was a racist adventurous comic with an insensitive uplifting tale about a lone white man beating the odds in a savage dangerous world! Also Chastity Hex is a character that should get more on-panel appearances, especially panels that take place at the beach or near a swimming pool. Bizarro has never been better and I mean that either in the literal sense or in the Bizarro sense, depending on which you agree with. Because I don't want to wind up arguing with anybody about my opinions because how am I supposed to convince you that my opinions are right if you're too stupid to agree with them in the first place?!

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