Friday, August 14, 2015

Starfire #3

I hope that monster loves to eat clothes.

Starfire's Vagina is busy trying to find sexual partners in Key West. So far, she's been unsuccessful because her friend, Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill, stopped her from ruining Handy Man Eye Candy, and the other guy Starfire wanted to deprave is still mourning his dead wife. But not to fear, Starfire's Vagina! A new male character that looks suspiciously like Dick Grayson has just been rescued at sea! His name is Soren Hook's Penis and I bet he's going to be really pleased to meet you!

Holey Moses does he talk sexy! I think my butt just popped a boner!

Soren Hook's Penis is actually a bad guy with some kind of mind-control powers. I don't think that's a dealbreaker for Starfire's Vagina. Being an alien who doesn't even realize that cats and dogs aren't born from the sky in terribly rainy weather, Starfire's Vagina is allowed to make mistakes like depraving evil lunatics and murderers. She can just say, "Oh, did I do that?!" Then the studio audience will laugh and laugh because she didn't know any better! Although I don't remember Balki's catchphrase when he made a mistake due to being super foreign so I used Steve Urkel's catchphrase instead. That probably didn't confuse anybody, right?

Starfire's Vagina is helping Sheriff McBuzzkill's Brother Sol's Penis clean up after the hurricane. Starfire's Vagina points out that a race of gnomes were some of the earliest explorers in the galaxy which must be why Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much. Another reason Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much is because a lot of Earthlings who think they're unique and awesome and fun-loving crazy whackos saw Amelie and decided they were going to be super unique snowflakes by copying something from a movie that they found adorable and quirky. The only punk rock gnome travel agents are those that inspired the writer of Amelie to use it in his movie. After that, stealing garden gnomes and sending them on trips became so derivative and lame that a traveling gnome is now a sidekick of a corporation that thinks they're hip and groovy.

Next, Starfire's Vagina learns about Hemingway's cats which is more interesting than learning about Hemingway's writings. Although Sol's Penis doesn't mention how much Hemingway loved to let his six-toed cats knead his penis area. That might be a lie I made up in my imagination after being told it by Dave Sim. Although it could have come from Gertrude Stein! I should write a pilot for a sitcom about Ernest and Gertrude sharing an apartment in Paris. And maybe Pablo could live upstairs in the spare room!

Starfire's Vagina needs to find a job to cover her bills now that she has a place to stay. Key West should pay her simply for protecting them and walking around the island looking beautiful. But first I guess the island needs something to protect it from! That's where the monster from the cover and Soren Hook's Penis come into play!

Ha ha! She knows so little!

Starfire's Vagina decides to go into town to shop for more food she doesn't know how to eat. Luckily, Key West is full of Penises that want to help her learn about carrots and sweet potatoes. Starfire's Vagina must not have eaten very well while living with Jason Todd's Penis and Roy Harper's Penis (get it?! That was a size joke as well as just the beginning of my sentence!) because she doesn't know anything about food. She thinks a pineapple is an apple with a pine tree growing out of it! Ha ha! Oh, Balki's Vagina! You're too much!

Starfire's Vagina and her friend Sheriff Stella investigate the cruise ship that picked up the Dick Grayson wannabe. This is the part of the story that gets exciting if you didn't blow all of your excitement over the part where the two young people were eaten by a monster under the sand at the beach or over the part where Starfire's Vagina wears the really short skirt.

"Why would someone...?" You just spent a few years with two someones who would...?! You even wanted to that time with the slave trader guy who the other someones talked you out of woulding and then woulded him themselves!

At this point, I think Starfire's Vagina fans have got to accept that she has a severe problem with memory loss. It definitely helps explain a lot of her time in Red Hood and the Outlaws! I think Starfire's Vagina should go see a neurosurgeon.

Sheriff Stella sends Starfire's Vagina off to relax at a restaurant called The Blue Monkey while she investigates the murders on the cruise ship. At the restaurant, everybody stares at Starfire's Vagina and falls completely in love with her. Even the cat and the fat guy and the comb-over dude and the bartender!

Yeah! What if Starfire's Vagina wants to act on it immediately?! Don't you dare tell her she shouldn't! Don't you dare tell any woman that she shouldn't act on depraved urges immediately and forthwith and on the spot! Please, please, please do not control your urges simply because it might send an inappropriate message! My Penis is begging you!

When the waitress tries to explain how one night stands are perceived by all the prudes, she mentions she is from "way south, south" of Key West. Where is she from South of Key West with alabaster skin like that?! Antarctica?

Starfire's Vagina's new friend, Atlee, turns out to be from below the Earth's surface. The monster from the cover is a creature from her subterranean homeworld which grows when it absorbs any kind of power, especially a starbolt. Atlee is also a superhero! Now Starfire's Vagina can have a superfriend with benefits! Oh man! That's the new cartoon show I want. Superfriends With Benefits! I can't wait to see what Apache Chief says to make just his penis grow.

Starfire #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's cute and stuff. And I just can't get enough of her misunderstandings! When she pictured the handle on the guy's head because he inexplicably said his "handle was Ezra"?! So hilariously non-contrived! Just like something that would happen in real life! Especially with a guy like Ezra with a mustache like that. He'd totally say his "handle." The only thing this comic book needs is more graphic depictions of sex. Just the one wasn't enough for me.

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