Martian Manhunter #3

Gross.

Can you imagine if men could shapeshift but they only had the original mass of their body to work with and all shape-shifting only occurred in the space of a few weeks as opposed to instantaneously? Men would be walking around with skinny little arms and legs, flat chests, and huge bulges in their pants. Men would spend hours each week working out at the gym and their muscles would never get any bigger. But they'd have to buy trousers with more room in the crotch area. I don't know how women would look if they could shapeshift. Maybe they'd all want big penises too? Me personally? I'd just add a beautiful raccoon tail.

Last issue, Martian Manhunter voluntarily stepped into a teleporter slash suicide machine because he realized he was too dangerous to mankind to be left alive. If anybody ever took control of his mind or infected him with the Doomsday virus or shot him full of Joker venom, he'd be the worst threat to the world since those things happened to Superman. But unlike Superman, Martian Manhunter doesn't want to live at the expense of all the people who would be killed if those things ever happened to him. So the only choice was suicide! Or teleporting to wherever the destination was set on the Wormhole Generator.

As J'onn disintegrates (or transports?), he says, "Don't let them find you. Plea...". Then he's gone! Dead and/or teleported! But who was he talking to?! That's the greatest mystery of all! Although being that this comic book has a limited amount of characters over the last two issues, it's probably Mister Biscuits or Pearl. Does Martian Manhunter have a pet? He could have been talking to his pet.

Quick! Somebody activate the machine while this menace is still inside!

Meanwhile in the Martian Psychic War Room, the martians whine about how J'onn ruined their plans in the way Superboy refused to ruin NOWHERE's plans. Although Superboy ruined their plans in an entirely different way by making every story he was in so unreadable that no editor would allow the world to be destroyed in such a low selling title. Between the Martians' J'onn and NOWHERE's Kon and Doc Magnus's Metal Men, I've learned that maybe people should think twice about giving their weapons sentience. Either they're going to betray you and not attack the target you aimed them at, or they're going to constantly try to fuck Superman. It's almost certainly better to just build a Big Fucking Gun with a trigger that doesn't pull itself but waits for you to pull it at the appropriate time. Maybe build in a safety feature where it only responds to your DNA though or else the weapon might be used against you after it's wrestled out of your weak-ass evil scientist arms. Although then your enemy will probably just cut off your trigger finger and use it to activate the weapon. Maybe the best idea is to just apply at Applebee's and forget about building non-edible weapons.

So a place exists in the DC Youniverse called the Martian Psychic War Room. It's possible that means this book is supposed to be silly and not to be taken seriously. Or I might be approaching comic books with the wrong attitude and this place is totally serious and super bad-ass. Whatever the case, a character I'd completely forgotten about decides to be Mister Biscuits' nemesis.

Wasn't this guy in the Martian Manhunter series from the nineties? Maybe I'm just creating new memories.

Mal (mind if I call you "Mal" instead of Mal'a'f'a'a'ge'q'q'e'q'e?) points out that Earth will still become New Mars. They just need to find every atom of J'onn that was dispersed across the planet, put him back together, and smack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. He is the weapon and he will destroy the Earth whether he wants to or not! To capture him, Mal uses Black Martian Magic (which is the "Anti-Red Magic"!) to merge the four martians of the Martian Psychic War Room into The Martian Man-Eater!

Okay, seriously, this book is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, right? It's a parody of the super hero comic book genre, right? It's satire on Alan Moore's work?

If humans weren't necessarily threatened by a guy named Martian Manhunter, I doubt they'll be smart enough to be frightened of a Martian Man-Eater.

The scene shifts to an Agent Wessel who is watching over a kid in the hospital who insists his mother was an alien. The kid is driving Wessel crazy with his questions and/or mind powers. I'm not sure if I should remember any of this from the previous two issues because my commentaries on this series have been particularly lacking. Martian Manhunter's ghost shows up to tell Wessel to run. But then Wessel doesn't run because Martian Manhunter touches him on the forehead and reabsorbs him. I guess Martian Manhunter not only has various human disguises around the world but actually has turned pieces of himself into beings who have no knowledge of their falsity. I guess J'onn has to collect them all now that he thinks the martians think he's dead. I bet Mister Biscuits is the heart part of him! I bet J'onn was mostly just penis.

Daryl runs from the FBI with the kid, Leo, in the back of an ambulance. Also, the FBI are not human but martians. But they're not part of J'onn so they're just kind of useless civilian martians. J'onn and his various aspects around the globe are the only weaponized martian which is why he is needed. While the others can cause chaos and violence around the globe, J'onn is needed to Marsform Earth.

Martian Man-Eater appears to try to collect Daryl and Leo. But somebody else arrives to save the day! You'll never guess who! No, really! Guess! You'll never do it.

Damn, you guessed it.

Mister Biscuits stuns the Martian Man-Eater long enough for Alicia, Daryl, and Leo to get away in the ambulance. Mister Biscuits hops on the outside and removes his mask so Daryl will be more frightened of him. Then he drops the big old martian bomb! Mister Biscuits is J'onn J'onzz! And so is Daryl! What a twist shocker!

Martian Manhunter #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's too bad the first issue didn't have a larger hook to it because this is steadily becoming a compelling story. I'm not sure if the Mister Biscuits character was enough to lure most comic book readers into buying a second issue. I was all in with the introduction of Mister Biscuits but I don't suppose I'm a typical comic book reader. I'm better than a typical comic book reader. I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader. I've been training for thirty years so don't feel bad when I point out that I can read comic book circles around you. Some people might think they're also Grand Master Comic Book Readers but they'd be wrong. What they actually are are Mad Scientist Comic Book Readers and my mortal nemeses! All of this is to explain that when I say this is a well-written comic book telling a story that's obviously been thought about and plotted as opposed to dashed off without care or concern about characterization or making sense (otherwise known as Lobdelling It), you should probably believe me. I'm like that late night Mad Money idiot who screams at everybody about where to invest their money but I can't help you make more money. I can just help you spend your money more wisely and on better comic books. So trust me when I say this: spend your money on Image books. That's the place with the best stories going on right now. But if you're going to buy DC Comic books, then I can help you there too! This one's pretty good even though it's low in the rankings. It just got a slow start but I feel like it'll steadily gain each month and my feelings are almost always completely accurate. Wasn't I the one to say Maps was the best character since Vampire Tig? Enough communicated!