Monday, August 31, 2015

Justice League of America #3

So nobody told DC that I think this JLA logo sucks because it's the same logo as last issue and it still sucks.

This comic book must be an Elseworlds book because Aquaman is my favorite member of this Justice League of America and that never happens. That didn't even happen when it was just him, Vibe, Commander Steel, Gypsy, and Vixen! And that's a shitty line-up! Although Green Lantern and The Flash haven't really been given a chance to shine yet. Maybe I'll like them even more than Aquaman. Although it'll be pretty tough to beat that scene where Aquaman tells the Missionary of Rao that Rao is the most incompetent "god" he's ever heard of.

Just as the cover shows, this issue begins with Barry and Hal tossed into the middle of a battle between Purple Pointy Skirts and the Gray Straight Edged Skirts. Even if I don't learn any more about them from this point on, I totally get why they're going to war.

Hal charges his ring by pulling his battery out of warp space because that's a thing the Green Lantern's used to do when writers got tired of them never having access to their batteries when they needed them. I guess Bryan Hitch hasn't read a Green Lantern comic book in some time so he never read that story where the Keepers of the Batteries went crazy after losing their jobs when the Lanterns stopped storing them on their planet when they weren't in use. I'm glad the issue begins with the ring being charged though because now it will last the entire issue. There's no excuse now for a scene where Hal is desperately trying to defeat the enemy before his ring runs out of charge.

Speaking of running, Barry runs so fast protecting Hal as he charges his ring that Barry disappears. That's when Hal asks his ring what the fuck is going on and the ring is all, "You're on Krypton, dude. 250,000 years from where you just fought Parasite." At least now Hal Jordan has a chance to be Clark's ancestor!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman finds an Oraculum among the ruins of Olympus and begins asking it questions. Diana and Hal are lucky they have access to objects that can answer anything they need to know to further the plot.

Although the Oraculum isn't nearly as useful as Hal Jordan's ring.

Back on Earth, Rao goes about trying to steal all of Christ's followers. He's all, "Stop praying to that do-nothing! I'm here to change everything for the better! Nothing bad will ever happen again!" And all the Christians are, "Thank Jesus Christ for Rao!" That's when Rao learns how to facepalm.

Rao's doing everything Batman told Superman he shouldn't do! Batman is going to be pissed!

The leaders of all the nations not yet overthrown by Rao begin to get really nervous. How are they going to retain any power if Rao gives everybody everything they ever needed?! What good are happy, content people to people in power?! Rao is ruining everything!

Batman calls in Superman to have a talk with him so after all of this goes to shit Rao turns out to be just another manipulative asshole, Batman can have this conversation in his bag when he brings out the "I told you so."

Batman wants Superman to stop being so trusting and he mentions DNA as he does so. I think he wants Superman to get a sample of Rao's DNA? And I bet I know how he can accomplish that! With a kryptonite cotton swab! Also with a blow job which was what you all knew I was actually thinking. While Batman awaits the DNA test to see if Rao is actually a Kryptonian, he begins his own investigation into Rao. Batman also says "covert" when he meant "convert" because he's always thinking about spy stuff and conspiracies.

The Infinity Corporation apparently set in motion all of the events they needed to set in motion in the present, so they've gone back to September, 1961, to do something else. They're not sure what they're supposed to do because they're letting some magic stone do all of the thinking for them. And the stones have decided that The Flash needs to be in 1961. Great. Here comes another Flashpoint!

Back on Krypton, the warring groups have decided to call a truce for some reason. Maybe they were just out on a picnic when Hal and Barry arrived. Anyway, they know of Green Lanterns even 250,000 years ago which may or may not be how it's always been. I'm certainly not a DC Historian. Hell, according to some mean person on Tumblr who wants me to kill myself, I don't even know anything about Deathstroke! Apparently calling Slade a "psychopathic murderer" was crossing some kind of line! Maybe he's never been officially diagnosed as a psychopath but it seems anybody who can murder as many people as he's murdered might not be the most empathetic person on the planet.

Green Lantern makes friends with the Kryptonians who march him off to Kandor to meet Rao. I'm sure Hal won't be too impressed. Hal might even start a fist fight with him. I can't actually speculate on what might happen because I'm still agog at the Kryptonians having been around for 250,000 years! What a civilization! No wonder they could all leap fantastically across the landscape. I think.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: No change. Not a lot happened this issue. We discovered Wonder Woman learned nothing about her situation from the Oraculum. We learned Green Lantern learned little more from his ring. We learned Barry Allen has time traveled with the Infinity Corporation. And we learned that Batman doesn't trust anybody while Superman super trusts everybody. It's possible Bryan Hitch didn't get the memo that comic books are actually telling stories now (no matter how bad!) instead of being decompressed. But I guess he was kind of a pioneer in decompression, so maybe he's having a hard time letting it go. Although maybe I'm wrong! Perhaps I just stopped being able to tell when a story has been decompressed because I'm just happy I didn't wind up spending two hours writing a commentary on it. I really don't mind slow pacing and lots of visuals but come on! Something has to fucking happen in a comic book when I laid out $3.99 for it! My guess is when this series is collected in trade, you could leave out 90% of this comic book and it wouldn't make a difference to the overall story. Also, Deathstroke is a psychopathic murderer! So there!

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