Earth 2: Society #3

Humans in comic books are assholes.

I have a problem with these humans passionately hating androids. But I wouldn't have a problem if the angry mob was simply trying to destroy local television reporters. Fuck those guys. What a bunch of smug dildos. The current promo for the local Fox 12 news team in Portland, Oregon, is not the usual bunch of lies and half-truths to sell viewers on why Fox 12 is the best local news in the area. No, the current promo is pretty much a hand job to the residents of Portland. "We're intellectuals and coffee fanatics, vegetable growers and book lovers. We're hikers and bikers, amazing lovers and spectacular kissers. We hardly ever kill children for the Dark Lord and we rarely ever summon Great Old Ones. Blah blah blah. Tell me when you're going to come and I'll swallow it." I hate you, Fox 12. I hate everything about you from the chipmunk who does the weather in the morning to the female Joker who does the weather in the evening to that lazy-eyed newscaster on Sunday nights. But I hate the people who worship at your white-teethed altar even more. Go to hell.

I suppose I would be leading the angry mob on the cover of this issue. I know why I hate Tornado Lane! Let's find out why they do!

They might hate her because she begins the issue Narration Boxing, "Balance is an illusion. We're always moving. The question is...which direction? Straight ahead, of course. Where the story is." What? Why bring up balance to get to going after the story? It must be part of her Red Tornado Anti-Dizziness program kicking in. "Balance is an illusion. We are never actually perfectly balanced. We are just constantly in a state of falling down! Everybody's life is a decaying orbit around a lifeless planet full of poor decisions and regret! But the question is...did I use the ellipsis correctly? What Manual of Style do I use on Fake Earth 2? Do I start a new one altogether or do I continue to worship at the altar of Earth-33's Chicago Manual of Style? Am I, the only reporter on New Earth-2, doing important work for the good of the community or am I just a needy asshole who's deluded themselves into thinking they're serving the community by relabeling local gossip as news?"

The story Tornado Lane is currently after is the one where Terry Sloan is going to terraform Green Lantern's New Earth-2 back into Old Earth-2. That will probably destroy the local television news station, so if Tornado Lane wants to report on this story, she'd better help stop him. Are reporters allowed to get involved? Isn't there some kind of Hippocratic Oath for reporters and newscasters? I suppose if there were, they wouldn't have allowed their profession to become such a disrespected source for pap and bullshit. Hey media?! How about talking about things that matter like how Bernie Sanders could change the face of our political process while also increasing voter turnout by a huge percentage because suddenly there is a candidate that matters instead of incessantly whinging on and on about how Donald Trump needs to apologize to one of your own?

Can we also stop constantly demanding apologies from other people? We're ruining the entire concept! Apologies were not meant to be demanded and used to punish and humiliate people who offended or hurt you. If somebody offended or hurt you, point out that they offended and hurt you and that they're assholes and move the fuck on. If you demand an apology and they apologize, it means nothing. Apologies are meant to be said by people who actually regret something they've done. Apologies are not political shows just to get people off of their backs. There's a reason nobody finds apologies sincere anymore. Because they aren't. They're spin control. They're press releases. They mean nothing unless they're given freely and without coercion. Stop being so preciously thin-skinned! Y'all love victimhood so much it makes my butt hurt.

Currently everybody on New Earth-2 is about to be victimized by Terry Sloan. After they defeat him, they'll probably demand an apology.

There was no indigenous life on this planet. Green Lantern imagined it all into existence! And why does an android need glasses?!

I suppose only the handful of Twofers who suffered through Convergence know that the "indigenous" life on this planet was all created by Alan Scott's ring. Too bad he didn't make Planet Brainiac exactly like Earth 2 instead of whatever the fuck he made it like. I probably would have turned it into Greyhawk.

For some reason, Kara and Val-zod are not getting along. I guess they dated for awhile. Kara was probably under the impression they were monogamous and Val-zod was under the impression that hot reporter androids don't count as cheating and now Power Girl can't stand to look at Superman. Unless it was something not so cliche. I didn't guess the most boring possibility because it was the only thing I could come up with. I'm guessing the most boring possibility because Daniel H. Wilson has yet to truly impress me with any of his Earth-2 stories. Although I do enjoy how Dick Grayson keeps losing his kid. That's hilarious.

As Power Girl begins destroying the Genesis Machine, Lois Lane begins the part of Earth 2: Society that takes place one year ago when everybody arrived on the planet.

This is my reaction when the Robot Teller at the grocery store tells me to please remove my groceries and have a nice day.

Jesus Christ! Hey, writers! Not everybody is out to beat the shit out of anybody they find who's different from themselves! I'm sorry if a group of kids beat you up for reading books in junior high and shit but those assholes weren't the entire school! I suppose it does help to feel good and righteous if you believe everybody else is a complete dickhole. But you know what else feels better?! Masturbation! Hmm, I think I lost the thread of my thoughts.

Lois remembers first meeting the new Alan Scott.

Alan Scott: "Lois?"
Lois Lane: "I'm not Lois anymore! Alan?"
Alan Scott: "I'm not Alan anymore! But you're totally Lois!"
Lois Lane?: "No! I'm a robot without a home!"
Alan Scott?: "This is your home! It's totally different and not actually it but atomically, chemically, and biologically...it's the same!"
Lois Lane?: "That makes no sense."
Alan Scott?: "You make no sense!"
Lois Lane?: "Oh yeah?! How about this? Does this make sense: 'What about you, Alan? We're safe now. The ships have landed. Our society has to be rebuilt. When are you going to take off that ring?'"
Alan Scott?: *Leaves because Lois's programming has obviously been damaged and she isn't worth talking to*

Tornado Lane traveled the world for weeks after the Twofers crash-landed on it. She checked out Neotropolis where Val and Kara were holding hands and canoodling. She visited Midwest City where Jay Garrick was desperately trying to resist fucking his mom. She visited Erebus where Jimmy Olsen was forming the Cult of Freckles. And she visited the wilderness where Hawk Cop had decided to go full Walden. Or she was looking for the TSS Aphrodite so she could be the master of one of the new cities too.

Walls? Lois is impressed the humans could build walls?! "Hey look! You idiots managed to stack some bricks together! Good for you!"

Actually, the "walls" Lois is talking about are walls full of posters of survivors' missing family members. And even though Lois was now a robot and hated and feared by all humans with a lick of sense, she flew around and helped reunite some families. Lois Lane learned to smile again! And to also wear clothing! And fake hipster glasses! She can also cry which seems like a weird thing to program into a military android built to battle the parademons of Apokolips. General Lane must be a either a huge softy or a sadistic asshole. "I will make a robot that deals death and feels shame and remorse for all the vile things it will do in the name of war!"

Back to the present, Green Lantern appears to shut down the Genesis Machine before it can transform New Earth-2 into a Dungeons and Dragons world. Jerk. But he doesn't arrive until Terry Sloan is murdered and the Source Vault has disappeared! Oh no! The whole world is in jeopardy now! If somebody else begins a terraforming with evil intent, how will Green Lantern be able to stop it again in just a matter of seconds?!

Earth 2: Society #3 Rating: No change. Batman Beyond is just a continuation of the most boring parts of Futures End. And this is just a continuation of Earth 2 which was the most boring part of Earth 2. I can see some possibilities for this being an interesting comic book but it keeps running afoul of comic book cliches like using phrases such as "running afoul of". Here's my final though on this issue:

I'm glad Tornado Lane decided to wear clothing! It's so much more titillating when there's the illusion that she's trying to cover them up!