Thursday, August 27, 2015

Doomed #3

I have no idea why this title even exists.

What do I care if this Doomed-man is hunted? I don't even know him yet! He was just a normal kid until he was bitten by a spider ate a bad germ and suddenly gained super powers. Now he has to deal with being a young kid in college trying to watch over his aunt and dealing with rent and dating and roommates and, quite possibly, an angry boss that thinks Doomed is a super villain. The first two issues have given me no reason to like the kid except that he must be nice because he sort of shrugged his shoulders when he nearly killed his aunt's dog which he hates. Also he pointed out that he didn't want anybody to be hurt when that bus crashed into him. Plus he almost had sex with a beautiful homeless woman and that makes me admire him? I guess?

The kid's name is Reiser or something? I wish Lobdell had just kept calling him Peter because Peter is easier to remember. Plus Doomed-man's transformation only seems to kick in when he becomes sexually aroused. So maybe that's why I should like this character. His story is an analogy about becoming sexually active. At least I think it is. If Lobdell wasn't Lobdell, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he meant to develop this theme. But I think I might be reading too much into it. The story is better if you pretend it's about sex though.

The issue begins three years ago when Roman (Reiser's gay superhero roommate) and his boyfriend are shot at the Metropolitan Museum of Oddity. They must have just discovered sex because it really fucks up a person's life if they're not ready for it. Remember how this comic book is about being punished for sex? Roman's boyfriend is dying from a gunshot wound so Roman leaves him to go get help. And since everything is so sad and scary, he makes sure to make a "worst class trip ever" joke. Sometimes you just have to lighten the pain and tension of your loved one dying by laughing and then becoming a super hero.

Mars was gay? That's a beard joke that eventually nobody will understand because homosexuals shouldn't have to pretend to be anything but themselves. I mean, unless they have unlikeable personalities. Then totally pretend to be somebody else because nobody can stand you.

Three years later, Roman's probably still mourning his first love so that DC doesn't have to show any more images of men kissing. Some guy will hit on him and he'll be all, "It's too soon! TOO SOON!" Roman seems happy as he and Peter walk Aunt May's dog in the park. Get this! The dog doesn't like Peter but it likes everybody else. Ha ha! Classic.

It turns out Roman doesn't have control of the Roman who takes over his body when he ties a cute little scarf around his thigh. Note the subtle use of Roman's name to indicate he's the vessel for Alpha Centurion, a Roman. And Peter's name shows that he's a vessel for his penis when it takes over. Neither one of them can control their bodies when thoughts of sex intrude. I can't wait until they battle so I can imagine them slapping their erect penises together.

Apparently Roman was only in the park to find a bush that might suck his dick. Peter has come to meet his co-intern Jayne. She's also super hot because she's a female in a comic book who isn't old or Amanda Waller.

Adorbs. Check. OMG. Check. Totally nailed young people. Check.

Mary Jayne just met Peter once at work the previous day. If I were here, I wouldn't have ten minutes for him at all, and I'm not even a...well, whatever she was going to suggest Peter thinks she is. Unless, of course, I was sexually attracted to the person asking me to meet them in the park. Then I'd find a nice bush and wait for them to stick their...I mean, I'd ask where to meet up and have a pleasant conversation getting to know them.

Peter considers telling Mary Jayne about how he met this chick named...oh, I don't know...Gwen? and almost totally nailed her without any protective gear. But instead he tells her the sex analogy about how he took off his protective gear in the "Clean Room" (which isn't a clean room at all but a quarantine room) and might possibly have gotten an infection of some form or another. Warts, maybe. The best part about thinking about telling Mary Jayne about his near sexual encounter is that he gets to picture Gwen naked in just a towel and you can see like three-quarters of her boobs! I hope just remembering that doesn't turn him into Doomed-Man!

Sure, keep whatever hideous disease you caught just to keep Mary Jayne's job safe. How about not giving a shit what she thinks? How about going to some lawyer and suing the shit out of STAR Labs for putting an intern's life in danger without any training or proper direction his first night on the job?

Peter apologizes for nearly costing Mary Jayne her job. She then declares they'll "figure this out." Figure what out? He said he's fine! What is there to figure out?! I don't think she's the genius she claims to be.

Mary Jayne leaves to go investigate the, ahem, "Clean Room" for any evidence of radioactive spiders. Peter is left to fantasize about graduating and getting a good job and marrying Mary Jayne and looking at Mary Jayne holding a baby while he looks into a microscope because of course he would continue to be a scientist and she would stay home in her baggy overalls taking care of the baby. I'm just glad he didn't fantasize about the only part of the relationship that would actually be worth fantasizing about or else he'd have become Doomed-man! And that would have...well, it wouldn't have done anything, I guess. It's not like he goes into some kind of Hulkian rage. He just becomes super strong and invulnerable and ugly. I can't imagine people at the park would pay him any mind. They'd probably just think he was with the Elmo and the Buzz Lightyear deeper in the park asking for tips for pictures.

After Peter finishes his fantasy where he's successful and married and Mary Jayne has given up all of her hopes and dreams for a baby, he realizes Aunt May's dog is missing. Ha ha! Classic!

Oh, I don't know. Everything?

Good thing Miles knew that Peter would be able to track Aunt May's dog deep into the park and into the abandoned zoo. Because now they can battle without any innocent bystanders getting hurt.

Peter gets a boner (I guess a slight breeze blew across the front of his jeans) and he erupts into Doomed-man. That's when he discovers Miles wants to kill him. Also, Miles can understand his monster language. Which is called--shudder--"Monstre'".

Peter talks the kid into letting him live for now because the kid isn't really a kid but Peter actually is. So Milo takes off for now but he'll probably be back to work with Doomed-man as his genius tech guy. That way whenever a plot gets too complicated, Milo can appear with his new Canis Ex Machina device and the day will be saved.

Meanwhile, STAR Labs has brought some of The Elite over from New York so that they can battle Doomed-man, just like always! Doomed-man is always tangling with other superheroes because nobody knows who he is! Also they all think he's a bad guy but that wasn't every part of the theme song.

Doomed #3 Rating: No change. Remember when you were young and you wanted some Transformers for Christmas and you asked your grandparents and they were all, "Transformers? What are these Transformers?" And you were all, "They're cars that turn into robots! Or robots that turn into cars! They're cool and neat!" But of course you left off how expensive they were because you were crossing your fingers and making your bedtime wishes and pretending to be on your best behavior in the hopes that your grandparents would be suckers enough to pick you up an Optimus Prime. And then you saw the present they got you wrapped up under the tree and it was too small to be Optimus Prime but, hey, maybe they got you Bumblebee, right?! And then on Christmas Eve when your family gathered to open presents, you excitedly ripped into the present and discovered that your grandparents only understood three things when you asked them for the Transformer: robot, car, and cheap. What you were left with was a Gobot. Well, that's what Doomed is. Doomed is what your grandparents got you when what you really wanted was Spider-man.

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