Saturday, August 15, 2015

All Star Section Eight #3

I guess this is a fart joke?

What have we learned from Section Eight so far that we didn't know before delving into this series? Alcoholism is funny? No, no. We already knew that. Lecherous sodomites would love a sentient pile of colon and intestines? No, I think Garth Ennis taught us that lesson in Preacher. Being a human being is ninety percent faking not being disgusting by showering regularly, wearing clean clothes, and keeping our lust in check? Yeah, I think that might be the main thing I'm learning here! One other minor thing I've learned is that reading a book about sweaty, drunk people in a sleazy bar makes me feel nauseated about the human condition and adds one more addition to the "PRO" column of my "Should I kill myself" spreadsheet.

Hopefully Martian Manhunter will bring a level of respectability and hope to this comic book so I can feel good when I'm done. Although it's not a good sign if he's blasting martian ass gas on the cover.

The issue begins with the revelation of the, um, person who stopped Bueno Excellente from masturbating while watching Guts undress.

Oh Christ. I'm going to start running the tub right now and hope I can find my razors for when I'm done here.

So that's canon now. Sir Percival Orifice, Tape of the Wyrm is a thing in the DC Youniverse! I hope he winds up in Twat Lobo's intestines. That might actually make that comic book interesting. And in case you didn't notice from the scan, Sir Percival has a cute little waxed mustache.

Even if this entire comic book winds up being Six-Pack's hallucination while in a fugue state, I'm just going to assume that the entire DC Youniverse was that hallucination which means Percival will still exist in the DC Youniverse.

While Bueno deals with his imminent duel with a tapeworm in Noonan's women's restroom, Martian Manhunter, in the bar proper, declares that he will join with Section Eight! He declares that Six-Pack's return has been the talk of every hero in the world!

I guess J'onn is taking one for the team. But apparently he smells so bad, he's going to get cut.

Maybe the smell is actually from all the weird shit going on in the women's bathroom. But I have a feeling J'onn is going to be blamed for it and kicked off the team. You can't have a putrid smell around Six-Pack who is constantly on the verge of vomiting. Although Guts made the team and she can't smell pretty.

Back in the toilet, Bueno discovers that he gets to choose the weapon of battle in the upcoming duel with Sir Percival and he's got one in mind. It probably involves sodomy.

Six-Pack gets a moment to talk to J'onn privately when J'onn follows Six-Pack out to the alley where Six-Pack makes room for some more alcohol. I might have to take a shower before I can finish this comic book. Human beings are gross. Hasn't Google invented the technology to attach my head to an automaton? And maybe my penis too.

Uh-oh. Six-Pack is getting meta-textual.

Martian Manhunter convinces Six-Pack that every hero has doubts. He even points out that people scream mean shit at him all the time like "You look like a douchebag in that gay-ass outfit" (I filled in the parts of the quote that were edited out in the comic book). J'onn convinces Six-Pack that the only way to quell the doubts and ignore the assholes is to find some action! It's finally time to hit the streets and battle evil! Maybe.

Six-Pack imagines Section Eight in action and it's exactly as glorious as I think it would be if these disgusting creatures could ever get their asses out of Noonan's.

I'm feeling a little better about being a gross human being now!

Before Six-Pack and Section Eight head out to battle the evil that Six-Pack has been warning everybody about, Martian Manhunter has to take a dump. But the men's room is out of order so he knocks politely at the woman's door. When nobody enters, he walks in on Bueno and Sir Percival's "Perve-off."

This probably takes place just prior to Martian Manhunter #1 and was the cause of the split between the superhero J'onn and Mister Biscuits.

Martian Manhunter goes insane and flies out through Noonan's roof. Also, to nobody's surprise, Bueno wins the Perve-off and the heart of Guts. This team has its first romance! It could get sticky! Heh, heh, heh. Excellente.

All Star Section Eight #3 Rating: No change. John McCrea might be an artistic genius. He captures so truthfully the opposite of majesty which is what being a human is really about. We are not majestic creatures. We are gross and disgusting and I can barely stand to look at any of us. All of the other comic books are lying with their beautiful people who you imagine must smell dreamy. That's not reality at all! Of course Garth Ennis helps what with writing the most disgusting characters he can think of. But McCrea really brings their putrid disgustingness to life in a way that truly turns my stomach. We are all so gross. Thanks for the reminder, Garth and John! That "thanks" was sarcastic, dicks.

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