Should I have called this "Justice League: Gods and Monsters--Batman #1"? Who named this stupid fucking comic book?
I hope this comic book explains why Batman is a vampire trapped in a spider web. I also hope it explains why I'm reading it. Mostly I didn't mind buying it when I discovered it in my comic book subscription box because Bruce Timm stuck his name on it. So it has to be good, right? Even if that name is by J.M. DeMatteis's name? Even if this isn't a cartoon but a comic book? Am I wrong to hope for the best?
Shit. I'm definitely wrong.
The issue begins with a husband beating his wife and about to rape her. Everybody knows that other than getting breast cancer, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman. This husband is as vile and despicable a human being anybody is ever likely to meet. This is important because Batman is now a vampire and Batman is unsure if the city is corrupt or if he's just projecting his own vampiric corruption onto the city. But when Vampire Batman recognizes that this man is evil and chooses to punish him instead of choosing to watch or join in, it proves to the reader that Batman still has a working sense of justice. This allows the reader to think, "Whew! Batman is still a good guy! I was worried because vampires are always evil and they're never the hero of the story at all ever and this is still 1982, right?" I guess if you're a young, hip, modern reader, the main thing you're thinking when you find out Batman is a vampire is "I want to fuck that."
I should apologize to Anne Rice about that whole "vampires were not fuckable back in 1982" line because she was way ahead of everybody else and saw the sexy potential in homoerotic vampires and gay adoptions.
Vampire Batman can smell stupid and it makes him hungry, so very, very hungry! I guess stupidity is finally illegal in Gotham City! Yay!
Maybe they were just engaging in sexy role-play?
Vampire Batman heads up to a rooftop to feel guilty in exactly the same way I head into the bathroom to feel guilty after eating an entire tub of kettle corn. He knows he shouldn't splurge on stupid people but he just can't help himself because they're so tasty. How did Batman fall so far?! How did he allow himself to become this monster?!
Oh. That's how. He went to Kirk Langstrom for a cancer cure. Let me guess! In Gods and Monsters: Superman, Superman will have taken out a large loan from Lex Luthor, right? And in Gods and Monsters: Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman's therapist is Doctor Psycho!
Actually, Vampire Batman is Kirk Langstrom. So it makes sense that he's a weak piece of shit that can't just simply give up and die like Bruce Wayne would choose to do. Even Kirk's parents are disappointed in him. I suppose celebrating the cure for cancer isn't on anybody's minds when the cure just creates a race of monsters that now terrorize all of the healthy people. At that point, I suppose we all stop worrying about raising breast cancer awareness and begin raising garlic.
The abusive husband was the first time Vampire Batman killed a person. Until then, he's been stealing from blood banks and sucking off hobos. But now that he's felt the thrill of murder food, he's worried he's going to kill again.
Kirk Langstrom throws his ex-girlfriend's husband through a window which gives him the idea to become Batman!
Vampire Batman begins feeding on the criminals of Gotham City because he decides that eating is better than crying about the families of the criminals he's murdering. Why worry about whether or not the person he just ate was an evil scumbag or just somebody who got mixed up in a bad scene due to generations of poverty and abuse? Vampire Batman rejects the idea of a gray world and chooses instead to believe in a black and white world and a full belly!
Oh Kirk! Keep listening to the Louis inside of you! Don't let all of that wishy-washy Lestat garbage intrude on your thoughts! Be the vampire! Embrace the vampire! Feed! FEED!
After Kirk murders the crime lord Lew Moxon, he stalks Lew's family and begins to realize that just because he's hungry, it doesn't make the world less gray. He realizes good, honest people close to Lew Moxon have been terribly hurt by the death of the man. I suppose Kirk will have to learn not to kill if he's going to be allowed to join the Justice League. Unless of course he's willing to kill Lex Luthor so that Superman can get out from under those outrageous interest rates.
Whelp, I guess it's back to the hobos.
Jeremy's mother is killed by the mob because they believe Jeremy has something they want. Doesn't the mob always believe stuff like that? And aren't they always killing people to send messages? Maybe they should invest in a courier service because killing people seems like a lousy way to send a message. But Jeremy's mother's death at least gives Kirk an idea for dinner.
While hunting up some grub, Vampire Batman meets Vampire Joe Chill! He has a nemesis! Although he hacks his nemesis up into a bunch of pieces so that doesn't last long. Or at least it just puts a second confrontation well on the back burner until Joe Chill can get his pieces back together again. At least it gives Kirk time to almost kiss Jeremy!
Or to figure out Jeremy was actually a scumbag crime lord as well and a pretty decent apéritif.