Sunday, August 9, 2015

Bat-mite #3

Obviously Bat-mite will be murdered before this issue is through.

Bat-mite is currently living with a Shaggy look-a-like named Weed and a derpy woman named Reagan. They work for some place called The Agency. I think they invited Bat-mite to live with them so they can have a wacky three-way. If that's not why they proffered the invite, I don't know what they want. Nobody is that friendly without wanting a little kink out of it. At least, I'm not.

For an E is for Everybody book, there's an awful lot of booze guzzling and bare ass! I guess if nobody is drinking or doing drugs to excess and the ass isn't portrayed in a sexual manner, it's okay. Plus it's Bat-mite's ass and he's kind of like a cherub, right? And children are allowed to see as much cherub ass as they can stomach.

Reagan's supervisor tells her that she has to allow Bat-mite to live with her as long as she wants. He doesn't say it exactly like that. He just kind of orders her to find out everything she can about him. That shouldn't be too hard since he's been living there for just one night and she's already seen his penis.

Now we're getting to the part of the story that isn't just rehashed jokes from old eighties sitcoms about roommates.

Bat-mite helps out Damian by using a rehashed jokes from an old sixties sitcom about Bat-roommates. Damian doesn't seem to like Bat-mite and threatens to cut his head off. That threat isn't out of place in an E is for Everybody comic book because Damian's contract with DC Comics allows him to commit one decapitation per comic book no matter what the rating is.

Gridlock arrives just in time to forestall a battle between Damian and Bat-mite. He also reveals his plan which he previously revealed only to the readers which they've probably forgotten if they don't keep detailed notes about the comic books they read like I do.

So Dan Jurgens is basically basing Gridlock on himself?

Gridlock moans about blogs and tweets and likes and instagrams and vines and periscopes and redtubes and youtubes and bluetubes and video games because he's an old fuddy-duddy robototron stuck in the eighties! He plans on forcing the youth into watching old eighties television dramas and liking them! I hope he makes them watch Little House on the Prairie because I can't flip past a station if I find that playing. I'll probably never buy the set on DVD because then I'd do nothing but watch Laura Ingalls be a raving bitch over and over and over again. She's my fucking hero.

Bat-mite says, "It's time to pull the goalie," and Gridlock is all, "Dur? What does that mean? I am into stupid sports that are not hockey!" He doesn't realize that the only sport worth going to see live is hockey. The only sport worth watching on television (and I use "sport" in its loosest sense) is golf because everybody talks really softly (except the one or two idiots who are still fucking yelling, "Get in your hole!") and it's super calming and helps facilitate falling asleep for a nice nap on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Gridlock paralyzes Bat-mite and drops him in the water where he drowns yet again. But Damian keeps him from being eaten by sharks because Damian is a hero and can't even let an annoying imp die. Although he did die so whatever. Mini-series over!

Oh yeah! I forgot about mouth-to-mouth! I probably should never have been allowed to be a lifeguard.

Bat-mite blows a horn that sounds like a fart and then leaves Damian because Damian has no sense of humor. After Bat-mite leaves, Damian cracks up at the fart horn which proves Damian has no sense of humor.

The issue ends with Skeets informing Booster Gold that they are going to need Bat-mite's help to stop Gridlock.

Hopefully in the next issue we'll find out what the fuck is happening in Booster Gold's pants.

Bat-mite #3 Rating: No change. I hate when people say, "It is what it is," or "Everything happens for a reason." I especially hate when people say them both. Fuck you, Clay from Big Brother. What an idiot. Although your mother fosters raccoons so she's cool.

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