Saturday, August 22, 2015

Black Canary #3

How is Black Canary not yet rich as fuck? Everybody in the DC Youniverse listens to the band!

Last issue, the story took a depressing turn as Kurt Lance was discovered stalking the band. It's been said that his superpower is the ability to amplify or negate the powers of other heroes. But I have a theory that his super power is to suck the fun out of every comic book he appears in. He was in Team 7 which was as entertaining as having a tick up your urethra. He was in Teen Titans which was so poorly written that fans of Tim Drake began to hate Tim Drake. And generally those fans will eat dog shit if it means they get to read another fan fiction where Tim gets his dick sucked by Conner Kent. He was in the first version of Suicide Squad which was only selling enough issues to seem like a popular comic book because Harley Quinn fans are even more obsessed than Tim Drake fans. They don't even need the promise of more Harley Quinn fan fiction to eat dog shit. And finally, Kurt Lance was in Turds of Prey which received that nickname for the finest of reasons: it was shit and "turd" rhymes with "bird." Now Kurt Lance has decided to send this comic book into the literary toilet. I'm kind of excited to watch it happen since this is the first book he's appeared in that didn't already suck before he made an appearance. Which might seem to be evidence against my theory but it's not, so there and fuck you.

The story begins with Black Canary performing in Keystone City. But the real story is what happened on the way there. I guess she had a Road Warrior adventure in the tour bus on the way to the gig. Speaking of Road Warrior, I saw Mad Max: Fury Road a few weeks ago. It's a fantastic movie and fits right into the series. It's the exact same plot as Road Warrior and Beyond Thunderdome but that's why it works so well. It's like the Conan stories of Robert E. Howard. The stories are essentially other people's stories in which Mad Max finds himself entangled. What I found so fascinating about the movies is that it's like reading a Post Apocalyptic Role-Playing Game Source Book. The movie is filled with so many little details about each of the different tribes of people. It's a world that I think would do well to become the next 007 type of franchise. Keep pumping these stories out and replace Mad Max whenever the current Max is ready to move on. It doesn't matter who plays him at all since the real meat of the stories are the other people and their problems, even though Max always plays a pivotal role in the plot. The movie was a blast and I'm so happy when I see a movie that exists because people loved the idea of it existing. And it occurs in a setting so outrageous that nothing they can put on that screen can pull a person out of the movie. Everything on the screen becomes acceptable by the sheer audacity of every other thing surrounding it.

On the way to the show, Black Canary had to fight off a bunch of troops who were working with Kurt Lance. They're probably covert government troops but I don't know which covert organization they're from since the DC Youniverse has so fucking many of them. While Dinah fights, she's also apparently choreographing her stage routine. I think I mentioned somewhere previously how that plot was being set up. Somebody said her stage moves sucked. Other people said she's the best hand-to-hand fighter they've ever seen. Chocolate meet peanut butter.

One of Kurt's men winds up captured by the rest of the band, thrown on the back of the bus, and devoured by an Alien Scribble Monster.

It seems more like a Paranormal Ink Creature now.

Dinah dances her way onto Kurt's truck so she can stick a gun in his face. She's already killed him once, so Kurt shits himself and tells her everything he knows. Ditto is an alien and the Alien Scribble Monsters want to capture her. But Kurt and his people also want to capture her. I bet she comes from that world in the song 2112 where music is illegal and hidden in caves.

Kurt and Dinah decide to head back to the tour bus because one of the things Kurt says that he probably shouldn't have is that one of the Alien Scribble Monsters was aboard the bus and about to capture Ditto. Dinah arrives just in time to scream at it and it goes away in pain because I guess Alien Scribble Monsters have really sensitive organs for hearing.

After the gig, Kurt says some boring stuff that bores me even though I thought it was totally working for the story. But he's so boring! What did Dinah ever see in him? Besides her tongue? And maybe two fingers.

Oh my god! Ditto is one of those aliens from Bloodlines!

But they won't have to worry about Ditto for much longer. She's kidnapped by Bo Maeve, the original singer of Ashes on Sunday, or Black Canary, or whatever. I don't think Bo is actually bad ass enough to keep Ditto contained. This problem will eventually just solve itself.

Black Canary #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. At first I just thought the comic book read quickly because it contained a lot of action sequences. But then DC Comics overplayed their hand with two pages in the back which were laid out like Burnside Tofu. That made me suspicious because usually DC Comics only adds weird incidental pages at the back of a book if the script comes up short a few pages. I thought that maybe the story would wind up being eighteen pages with the two extra zine pages in the back. Imagine my surprise when the story as only sixteen pages long with the two extra pages added at the back. Only sixteen pages of comic book this month! Sure, eighteen if you count Burnside Tofu which is a good enough addition to the comic book that I wouldn't complain about its inclusion. But that still just gets the total to eighteen! Hey! DC Comics! I fucking warned you! This is what happens when Kurt Lance guest stars in a comic book! He's already sucking down the page count! I feel like I've been mugged! I've been violated! My liberties and freedoms have been shackled to a dungeon wall and hosed down with rancid water! Nobody has ever felt this violated in the whole history of existence. And I'm not saying that in a hyperbolic fashion, DC Comics! I mean it! You have taken my innocence and I'll never trust another corporation ever again as long as I live. And I'm not the only victim! How do you think Brenden and Annie are going to feel when they see their drop in the ranks on my blog!? I suppose I could blame them for being short but I don't blame any worker who finds out exactly how much they can get away with and then does just that much. How many pages short is this going to be next month if you don't nip this in the bud, hunh? And so, Black Canary receives minus one in the rankings for every page DC Comics now owes me. Jerks.

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