Batgirl #42

I'm just shocked by her outfit.

Dear Diary,
Frankie didn't fall in the shower at all. It was a fall-se alarm! Ha ha! Anyswayze, where did I leave off? Oh yeah! My dad, Honey Bunny Batdad, was about to try and arrest me! ME?! His own flesh and blood?! The next time he calls me, I might not tell him I love him before I hang up!

A little hot piece of electricity had just escaped from Batdad's clutches and then he figured he needed to arrest somebody so he decided to take it out on me. What did I do?! Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Batgirl costume while being attacked by a supervillain?! Even if Batdad is hunting vigilantes, it doesn't mean I'm one of them! When did Batdad get so bad at police work? I could have been anybody in that costume! It could have been the first time I put the costume on to show it off at the arcade and maybe get laid but then I was attacked by a girl made out of electricity and was just trying not to die! He can't arrest me for that?!

Another reason he couldn't arrest me? I'm the Gosh-darned Batgirl!

Also he kind of gave me a chance to leave because I'm pretty sure Batdad knows I'm his daughter. I mean, he's seen me grow up for twenty years and now he wouldn't recognize me because I have a little bit of leather covering the bridge of my nose?! I mean, I don't even hide my hair! If he doesn't know I'm Batgirl, it's only because he doesn't want to know I'm Batgirl and he's using that special power that parents have which lets them deny to themselves that their child can participate in any activity that the parent wouldn't want them participating in. Not like my dad ever had to use that part of his brain before because no guy in high school ever let me pretend to fall asleep on their couch past curfew.

I'm too pretty to go to jail! My cherries would never survive!

Batdad let me go that time but his "superiors" might begin to question why the power in his cameras goes out every time he encounters Batgirl, so I might have to be more careful. Although he really should just stay out of Burnside! It's not like the crime rate here is anything that rates on a Batman Crime Scale. Here in Burnside, people just dress bad, drink cheap beer, and roll their eyes a lot. I figured that I could probably risk going after Livewire as Batgirl, so Frankie and I began researching the super villain. Maybe she can become my Nemesister! I need a Joker of my own! Although not a literal Joker because even when Batman defeats that guy, half of Gotham dies. I just want to battle somebody who is into dangerous pranks or financial misdemeanors!

Before hunting Livewire and probably saving Batdad in the process so he'll say, "Thank you, Batgirl! I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to protect this city! And I apologize for grounding you that time when you called from the Mini-Golf course to say you'd be late and I said I didn't care why you were going to be late and that you'd be in trouble if you didn't make curfew! I always knew you were a good, honest girl who wasn't out getting into trouble and I should never have treated you like you were another James Junior! You're my favorite child and the best woman in the world!", I stopped by to see Qadir. I should start calling him Qa-Dear! Or Qa-Darling! I know I'm totally going to lose my virginal curse to his nerdy penis! Cross my fingers!

Oh no wait! Maybe I'd rather give my cherry bushel to Luke Fox! GOOOSH!

I'm pretty sure since about fourteen, the amount of time I spend writing about getting laid in my Diary has increased exponentially. If I don't get laid soon, every sentence is just going to be "Somebody please fuck this beautiful bat-ass already!" Then I'll probably have tons and tons of penises scribbled into the margins (especially now that I've actually seen one and know exactly what they look like! Thank you, Lenny Kravitz! Also, who knew they looked so much like a Snausage?). Actually, I've seen lots and lots of penises! Sometimes I wish I had a penis! I bet it feels so good when a cute girl looks at it! Oh! I bet it feels really good when a cute boy looks at my lovely lava pit! I should try to get that to happen as few minutes after I meet Luke Fox as possible!

Um, so, later that night, I found myself watching Batdad's suit get fried by Livewire! "Not on my watch, bitch!" is what I didn't scream because that would have been the wrong thing for a feminist like me to scream and not because I didn't think to say it before walking down the haunted staircase.

I did say something about kicking her butt though which was probably wittier but I can't remember what I said and you'd better believe that I don't remember even though I have an I-Tic-Tac Memory, Diary! Or at least allow me the dignity of lying from time to time!

Anyswayze, I totally saved Batdad's butt because his suit shorted out and he was stuck inside. Then I totally told him what to do and he was like, "You aren't my mother! *HUGE MANGA WINK*!" That almost made me laugh and break character but it's a good thing I didn't because if he doesn't know who I am (1% chance he doesn't!), he'd certainly know me by my laugh and the way I fart when I laugh and by the smell of my fart which I would have farted when he made me laugh!

Come on, Diary. He totally already knows I'm his daughter, right?!

So Batdad and I began working together to take down Livewire!

The only way she could have made me wish that is if she'd shown me photos of a hot naked guy waiting for me in my bed!

My plan totally came together and I captured Livewire inside my future Boy-Toy Qadir's gadget he gave me. I don't know why he had a gadget lying around that was able to contain a person made of lightning. But there are bigger mysteries in the world than that! Like how can a woman as hot as me not have had like at least eighteen super decent sexual experiences in her life?! I mean ones that don't involve gadgets or bathtubs or jeans with really tight seams in the crotch!

And that's when I got home and was super tired and began writing in my Diary and then thought I heard Frankie fall in the shower!

See? Also included in this shot: the purist vadge in Burnside.

And now the revelation of what distracted me between entries which I totally cracked myself up about earlier by calling it a Fall-se Alarm! BATSNORT! It wasn't a Fall-se Alarm at all! It was a False Al-ysia! I mean, it was the real Alysia! My old roommate who gets way more action than I can even imagine! And she had a huge bombshell! Probably not the biggest bombshell currently in Gotham because it is Gotham, after all, amirite? Anyway her bombshell was...she's getting married! And she wants me to be the maid of honor! And maids of honor get laid at weddings by handsome best men, right?! Oh wait. Her fiance Jo is probably also going to have a Maid of Honor. Damn my luck! Although if I get tipsy enough, maybe I'll lose my oral sex cherry!

Batgirl #42 Rating: No change. How adorable is this comic book? It's like super adorable, right? Like more adorable than ten puppies! But not more adorable than ten kittens. It's not even more adorable than one kitten! I'd rather have a kitten. But it's still adorable! It makes me want to eat gobs of candy. It also makes me wish I was a beautiful girl in her early twenties with a whole wide world of fucking ahead of me! Oh, to be young again! And a girl! If I had been female, I probably would have banged every nerd in my high school class. Devin Pruden and Miguel Chavez and Mike Birbalaglia or whatever his last name was and Franklin Kim and Andy Nesmith and Dan Felipe and probably a bunch of other ones I'm forgetting. Those were so my people even though I was totally cool and shit. Sorry, nerds, for not being a girl!